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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to back off, don't I?

50 replies

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 10:23

I am recently divorced.
I have a male friend who has been an amazing support and who I have confided lots of things, including the MH issues I have suffered as a result of the difficult divorce.

He's married. We chat mainly by txt. He makes me feel good. He cares.
He says nice things about me.

But I think he's being inappropriate considering he is married.
e.g. telling me I looked really nice. It was really good to see me (in a group setting).
He did ask me to the cinema. I replied saying 'ermm, you're married' and he apologised. So he knows I am not interested in him in any other way than as a friend.

Am I doing wrong?

OP posts:

user1488723505 · 05/05/2017 10:29

It his not his place to make you feel good. I would question a good friend able to deceive his wife. You know what he wants. This is your chance to back away. Quickly and look to other friends and family for support. It's easy to feel confused and he is taking advantage of your vulnerability.

magoria · 05/05/2017 10:29

You have told him clearly he is married and you are not interested so you are not doing wrong.

I would consider backing off from him and finding support from a friend or other who isn't going to try it on if possible.

You don't want to end up feeling pressured or obliged and ruining a friendship if that makes sense.

QuiteLikely5 · 05/05/2017 10:33

I would back off. I'd be very concerned if my husband was offering this kind of 'support' to another woman!

He just wants a bit of you know what and once he has it he will be skipping back off to his poor wife.

Another thought maybe you should suggest he takes her to the cinema- don't enter into an emotional affair with this man - find someone else to confide in

HotNatured · 05/05/2017 10:40

OP only you know whether this guy is crossing the line, but from your post I can't see what he is doing wrong. I have loads of married male friends who tell me I look nice when I see them, who offer emotional support. They don't want to shag me

IPokeBadgers · 05/05/2017 10:42

Morning OP
Whilst it is good that you have had support in difficult times, you and your friend are treading a fine line and there is the risk of lines becoming blurred. You have recognised this, and to respond to your thread title, yes, I think you do need to back off and start creating a bit more distance.

You are in danger of relying on this married man to rebuild your self esteem, and I think you are vulnerable. This situation could quickly escalate into an emotional or even physical affair which would indeed be wrong and hurt a lot of people. There is also the possibility that your friend isn't as good a friend as you think and he is willing to take advantage of your friendship by being inappropriate. Do you want to be "the other woman"? After all you have already been through? That would be very foolish and only do you damage.

It is time for you to make a new start and start looking at ways to introduce new activities and people into your life that don't involve this friend. Look after yourself.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 11:12

Thanks for the replies, pretty much confirming what's in my head.
Yes, I am feeling vulnerable. I absolutely do not want any sort of physical relationship (with him or anyone!) right now - it would not aid me in my recovery.

I have lots of support. Some male, some female, family, friends - I'm very fortunate.
I have married male friends who don't give me this slightly uneasy feeling, so maybe there is a spark there that I'm not acknowledging to myself.

I would never ever be an other woman. I've done nothing wrong, but yes, time to back off. Should I tell him? He is my friend and I don't want to look aloof or make him wonder if he's hurt my feelings.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 11:18

You know he's after you... Friends aren't open to shagging you. He's playing the knight role in the hope you'll shag him. That's manipulation, not genuine support. If he had a fuck buddy on the side right now he wouldn't be listening to you. You know that. That's why you're uncomfortable. His intentions toward you aren't friendship based. He's not your friend.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 11:24

That's a bit OTT Hilda and quite insulting to men.

OP posts:

rumred · 05/05/2017 11:26

She's right though

MissBax · 05/05/2017 11:35

If you're truly just mates then of course you're doing nothing wrong. But the fact you're questioning whether it's dodgy makes me think you know he's more interested in you than that, in which case I'd back off.

EphraimWaite · 05/05/2017 11:42

Trust your instincts and lean on the people you are confident there's no risk of 'complications' with. Even if you're wrong, why take the chance?

Tell him you're taking some time to just 'be' on your own for a bit.

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 11:43

Most of my friends are men Cherry. I love men but there are a lot of creeps who feign friendship with women to get sex. There's a huge difference between a male friend providing solutions to a problem and a man who plays the knight role while looking for the opportunity to get in there while you're vulnerable. If he was a friend he wouldn't be angling for sex and you know he is.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 12:10

Well, that's it, I didn't know that he was/is. I am not sure of my instincts or anything really at the moment.

He's a fairly new friend (though I knew of him through a mutual friend way before I met him) so I don't know him that well really.

It makes me sad to think he's preying upon my vulnerability.

OP posts:

CheersMedea · 05/05/2017 12:20

^This. It's a sad fucking day when a married man can't compliment any other women than his wife without everyone howling "Adulterer".

There are 2 possible situations here:

He's just a basically a nice guy, being friendly and supportive and OP is reading more into it than is actually there precisely because subconsciously (whether it's to do with actual intent or just a need for an ego boost at a time of crisis) she wants there to be more to it.
He's of mal-intent and seeking a shag.

No one online could assess which this is. Only the OP and/or someone who knows them and can see them interact could definitely say one or the other.

OP says "maybe there is a spark there that I'm not acknowledging to myself." It could be that she is looking for it or it could be that it is there.

Bottom line: if you are having to ask a question like this of a ton of strangers on the internet, something isn't quite right. It's a bit sad to throw away a supportive friendship though because you are branding all men evil shaggers. Depends on what the true position is.

HotNatured · 05/05/2017 12:20

Actually cannot believe some of the bile on this thread, HildaOg WTF! OP these people don't know this guy, you do, you have to make your own decision and follow your instincts. As prev mentioned, I have many male married friends who provide the sort of support you mention in your original post. They are all wonderful men who would not 'prey on my vulnerability'. Jeez MN is full of man haters lately

HotNatured · 05/05/2017 12:22

CheersMedea

Some sense at last.

MissBax · 05/05/2017 12:25

Cheers and Hot Natured - the OP states that she feels he is being inappropriate. No one's saying people of the opposite sex can't be friends, but if she's on here posting she obviously thinks there's something wrong with what's going on.

FritzDonovan · 05/05/2017 12:25

Why can't two friends of the opp sex go to the cinema together? I can't think of a more innocuous pastime. And why on earth can't a friend of the opposite sex offer support to a friend going through a hard time?
Depends on what kind of a person they are. My idiot OH went to something I didn't want to see with a female 'friend' of his, with my blessing and no doubts whatsoever. Later on down the line it turns out he had developed feelings for her to the extent that he was thinking of leaving me for her. She didn't feel the same at this point. So I can understand how a seemingly innocent night out may not be only that. And I don't think I would feel comfortable with OH suggesting a night out with a single female friend now because of this.

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 12:30

So he's a new friend and your entire friendship is based on you telling him all your problems? Ahem...

With all my male friends, we're friends based common interests. We like each other. We talk about things we're both interested in. Men are good for practical advice but I'd never turn to one for emotional support. Maybe there's exceptions but most think very differently to women.

A man isn't going to play Dr Phil with a woman he barely knows unless he wants sex. Because really, they don't care. They're not interested in your feelings and all your issues. But they'll listen if there's something in it for them. Sex.

I feel sorry for his wife. She's the one stuck with him, possibly completely unaware that he's chasing you.

EphraimWaite · 05/05/2017 12:39

He may or may not be 'preying' on you. You (both) may or may not be able to resist any underlying attraction that may or may not be there. But you don't need anything else to deal with, so take the safest path and back off him. Play it safe.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 12:40

No Hilda. We became friends before I confided in him.
I am a keen runner and we have run together a few times. That's always a good time to open up to someone. He wasn't prying.
We do share a lot of interests. He just seems like a nice guy.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 12:42

Nice married men don't provide shoulders to cry on for needy women.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 12:48

I disagree. Many of the husbands of my female friends have supported me, with full knowledge of their wives.

OP posts:

MissBax · 05/05/2017 12:51

Many of the husbands of my female friends have supported me, with full knowledge of their wives.

But does this man's wife know? It's hard for anyone to answer other than you, but if you think he's doing this behind his wife's back or you think she'd be upset by the messages he's sending you, then I'd back off.

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 05/05/2017 12:52

He did ask me to the cinema. I replied saying 'ermm, you're married' and he apologised

If he was genuinely offering friendship and support his response would have been "I know I'm married, you've got the wrong end of the stick, I meant lets go as friends".

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