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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I need to back off, don't I?

50 replies

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 10:23

I am recently divorced.
I have a male friend who has been an amazing support and who I have confided lots of things, including the MH issues I have suffered as a result of the difficult divorce.

He's married. We chat mainly by txt. He makes me feel good. He cares.
He says nice things about me.

But I think he's being inappropriate considering he is married.
e.g. telling me I looked really nice. It was really good to see me (in a group setting).
He did ask me to the cinema. I replied saying 'ermm, you're married' and he apologised. So he knows I am not interested in him in any other way than as a friend.

Am I doing wrong?

OP posts:

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 12:58

Bax I don't know if she knows he is supporting/texting me. I do know her and we go to the same sports club and chat. And we've all been together at various things and there's no atmosphere or anything.

I'm going to back off. I guess if he is after something more then it will become clear very quickly.

OP posts:

MissBax · 05/05/2017 13:04

It sounds like a good idea Cherry. I don't think you're in the wrong fwiw, but if I had doubts about his intentions Id think the best idea was to back away. You could always casually drop into conversation with his wife that he'd asked you to the cinema and I'm sure you'd quickly tell by her reaction whether it's appropriate or not.

Adora10 · 05/05/2017 13:10

Please do back, off, he's already asked you out (for a shag on the side) and you know he is married; he is not a nice guy, he's an opportunist and is using your vulnerability to take advantage.

Apart from his wife, do you really want the whole office gossiping about you because I am afraid to say, you will be painted worse than him.

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 13:11

Your friends husbands are providing you with emotional support? 😂 I bet that goes down well.

I agree that his response to you telling him he was married when he asked you to the cinema says everything. If he was after friendship, he would have told you that he wasn't interested in you that way. He was asking you on a date.

OutToGetYou · 05/05/2017 13:13

Surely the question is - does his wife know?

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 13:31

Do you posters going "OMG! Can't opposite sexes be friends !" not believe the op when she says this bloke has made her feel uncomfortable ? Do you dismiss her experience...one out of the only two people who were there at the time? Because that seems a bit high handed to me.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/05/2017 13:38

Hilda is right. He has a hidden agenda and the cinema invite was upping the ante.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 13:42

Your friends husbands are providing you with emotional support? 😂 I bet that goes down well.

What? These are people I have known for years and years. What's the problem?

OP posts:

EphraimWaite · 05/05/2017 13:53

AnyFucker Called it. The OP is getting vague heebie-jeebies from this guy, as distinct from any of her other male friends. So she should back of for her own self preservation.

CheersMedea · 05/05/2017 14:09

I certainly didn't dismiss her experience if you read what I posted. I made the point that it could be she is "looking for it" for subconscious reasons of her own (because she is attracted herself or in a crisis time wants an ego boost) - in other words she wrongly feels something is "off" because she is subconsciously projecting OR it could be that she is right and there is something in it BUT that no one here can answer that because it is impossible for strangers to assess.

Jesus.

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 14:20

The problem cherry is that most women don't go to their friends husbands for emotional support and I can't imagine many women would be particularly impressed.

Now you have this guy who assumes you're open to an affair because you've been using him for attention for all your problems.

You may want to consider how you're presenting yourself. It's really weird to be looking to married men for attention, telling them all your problems, sharing mental health issues... It's needy and many will take it up the wrong way.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 15:11

hilda I don't go to anyone's husband, it happens that they have supported me as they've been around when I've been in a crisis.
I don't want to go into massive detail but believe me, it's all above board. Please don't imply Im throwing myself at my friends husbands because I am needy or whatever.

OP posts:

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 15:20

I never said you were throwing yourself at them. I just find it strange that they would be involved in that way. And if it's in the same way that you have with this man, you've been using him as a therapist, then... It's open to interpretation.

Maybe it's particular to your set of friends. I know that if I turned around to any woman I know and told them that their husband was going to be a strong emotional support for all my mental problems, I'd be booted out of their marriage very quickly.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 15:26

Hilda...you are sounding victim blamey now

Op hasn't done anything wrong. But with this particular guy that is raising her hackles....yes, she should trust her instinct and back off

Nothing more sinister than that

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 15:30

AnyFucker; we're all responsible for our actions. She inappropriately overstepped with a married man not knowing or caring about whether his wife was OK with that. The only victim is his wife who's married to a creep who's looking to cheat on her.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 15:37

Oh, give over Hilda. Op sounds upset enough without you sticking the boot in further.

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 15:42

If his wife is aware of what's going on then she's a lot more upset, if she finds out she'll be a lot more upset.

Op has nothing to be upset about. She needs to lose the creep and have some boundaries. She chose her position. The wife hasn't chosen to bring her into their marriage.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 15:50

You got issues, Hilda.

HildaOg · 05/05/2017 15:54

You can't argue my points because I'm right. It's not me with the issues, stop projecting.

nigelsbigface · 05/05/2017 15:55

Well you aren't really doing anything wrong.but he is tbh-or it sounds like he would like to be.
In these circs I would back off were I you.Its got too much potential to upset his wife and cause all sorts of drama that you don't need.

haveacupoftea · 05/05/2017 16:03

If he was your friend before your problems started fair enough. Any man who starts sniffing around when you're newly single is probably after one thing tbh.

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 16:09

I am not arguing with you because I simply can't be arsed and your own posts say all there is to say. I stopped getting aerated with folks on'tinternet a long time ago

Adora10 · 05/05/2017 16:32

Sorry but I think telling a married man your mental health and emotional issues in private by text behind his wife's back is over stepping so I think the OP already knows she's crossed a boundary there but is very much aware and has decided now to back off.

I also find women sharing their emotions with married men a bit odd.

Original poster

CherryAlmondTart · 05/05/2017 17:37

As I said up thread I am going to back off. It'll be fine.

Thank you to those who have been kind in their comments.

OP posts:

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 20:29

Take care cherry x

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