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Original poster

AIBU re: partners football trips

44 replies

rubee132000 · 05/05/2017 08:09

I am a SAHM to a wonderful toddler. My husband has a season ticket for a premiership club and regularly attends away matches, mainly at the weekend. Although this requires approximately a two hour trip each way, he often books train tickets that ensure he has plenty of time before and after the match,so that it often ends up being at least a twelve hour day out of the home.

AIBU to think this is quite unfair? By the time the weekend arrives, I am usually pretty tired and ready to share parental caring responsibilities ( my husband also works long hours, and is arrives home late in the evenings). I fully appreciate the choices we have made for me to be at home for now, but I feel annoyed that he takes so much time out of family life, whilst accepting it is his hobby.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 08:15

I wouldn't have agreed to family money being used to purchase the season ticket in the first place, sorry.

I assume you discussed such a large outlay and the implications of it before he bought it ?

Undercoverbanana · 05/05/2017 08:21

Do you get to enjoy your interests? When do you get to run/swim, have a day out with mates, paint ..... Whatever your "thing" is?

Norland · 05/05/2017 08:22

Only 12 hours!

I support Bournemouth, when I do an away trip to Sunderland or Newcastle, it's more like 16 hours. Liverpool away a few weeks ago saw me return home at about 0330.

I decided after last season it wasn't fair on my good lady to do so many away games, so this season I've only been to 6 away games. If we had a toddler, I'd probably only go to local home games and Southampton away.

It's something most men accept when they have a family; it's unfair to carry on activities enjoyed pre-children, where the other parent is left doing far more than their fair share.

ImYourMama · 05/05/2017 08:22

I'd leave. Seriously, these things are an obsession, and I highly doubt it'll change!

TheNaze73 · 05/05/2017 08:24

Did he go before you met? If he did & you knew this, YABU if however, it's a recent thing & it's not balanced with you having your own time to pursue your interests, YANBU

Crispbutty · 05/05/2017 08:25

The football season is over now though, and away matches are every other week. Does he now take over childcare and let you do your hobby, or do things with you as a family?

TipTop333 · 05/05/2017 08:26

YANBU, it would really wind me up.

However, I can't imagine that he will agree with you. His main argument will probably be that you knew what you were letting yourself in for when you met him as football is a huge part of his life blah blah.

You need to come to arrangement around getting the time back. What hobby do you do? Would you like to spend the equivalent money and time on trips with friends etc?

QuiteLikely5 · 05/05/2017 08:31

Relationships are about considering the other person and the children.

some people wouldn't mind this but you do. I agree with a pp who said life changes once kids come along and you need to re-adjust how your spend your time.

My dh loves football but only goes for special occasions. Once ds is old enough apparently they are both getting a season ticket and to hell with the rest of us!! Smile

Scribblegirl · 05/05/2017 08:35

DP is a huge fan of a certain Midlands team and we live in London now. He has a deal with one of his mates that his mate goes to home games and away matches in their local area, and DP buys the away matches down south off him using the mate's season ticket. Mate gets season ticket and money back and it doesn't go to waste. Could that be an option?

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 05/05/2017 08:36

DH used to do the same but slowed down when we got married, and since we had DD he wouldn't dream of giving up 12 hrs every weekend at the expense of seeing her.

If it was a 2hr round trip and the game itself it wouldn't be too bad, and as long as he's giving you some time to do your own thing well.

Can he compromise and just do the home games? Or sell his ticket and just get some ad hoc tickets?

Forgettheworld · 05/05/2017 08:52

I'm a massive football fan too so I can understand his passion. I used to go to every game away and home but since having children I hardly go now. My DP supports the same team he goes to every home game still but very few away. I think your partner is being unfair. If my DP does go to an away game and it's somewhere nice I get a babysitter and go with him and we stay over night. He needs to majorly reduce the away games but maybe you could go with him to some?

User627938362 · 05/05/2017 09:31

If he does to all of them then yanbu. I think 6/7 a season wouldn't be a big deal though.

I assume you knew about this passion when you met and agreed to marry him though? Trying to change somebody can be a dangerous tactic.

I left my first wife because I was sick of her dictating to me. (Amongst other things)

peggyundercrackers · 05/05/2017 09:55

I dont think its a big deal - he must have been doing this before he met you so you must have known this. how much free time do you both get otherwise? why must any free time be spent as family time? its healthy to have activities you do on your own with friends as well as spend time with family.

fizzicles · 05/05/2017 09:57

Do you ever get 12 hour days away from childcare responsibilities? If not, then talk to him about the discrepancy- it's not ok for him to get time off completely if you never do.

36plusandtrying · 05/05/2017 10:04

Make sure that during summer, you get plenty of long girlie days away. With him picking up the childcare or plan fun weekends away as a family, when he takes the strain of the early morning care leaving you to have breakfast in bed or time to yourself (spa treatment, run or a couple of hours at the shops - whatever you love doing) Also the value of the season ticket, you should get the equivalent to spend on yourself ? (Bag, jewellery, tech item, $$ into saving for you and the little one)

PushingThru · 05/05/2017 10:09

'Did he go before you met? If he did & you knew this, YABU'.

Did he have children & family responsibilities before they met?

yetmorecrap · 05/05/2017 10:35

I think asking did he go before he met you as some are doing is a bit unreasonable. Its a very different thing being a single guy to one with a wife/DP and kids. In my opinion its no different to saying did he go down the pub 5 nights a week before he met you and had a family. It was a huge issue in my divorce 27 years ago from EXH. I got fed up of the amount of money spent on it whilst being tight to me and the fact most weekends I was left with kids on my own. I think every other week approx to home games is fine and an "occasional" away one but when it starts taking over most weekends and often nights in week too for cup matches etc it can become an issue, both in money and time.

scottishdiem · 05/05/2017 11:18

Did you talk about this before the baby or was this something you assumed would change? Can he just change to home games?

Do you get opportunities to relax and de-stress in a way that suits you? As noted above, football is not all year round. Do you get time to yourself during the summer?

This line from AnyFucker is spectacular though:

"I wouldn't have agreed to family money being used to purchase the season ticket in the first place, sorry"

I thought MN believed that all married mens money is family money so one presumes that AnyFucker believes no married man should be at the football?

Desmondo2016 · 05/05/2017 11:24

It's different in our family as me and DS1 (12 years) have the season ticket AND occasionally travel to away matches, leaving DH and DD (5 months) at home, and have done since she was 12 days old! Can't believe people actually say LTB lmao. On what planet is that an appropriate first step

MissBax · 05/05/2017 11:28

I think him going out for the day at the wkend is not a big deal if that's his way of winding down and enjoying himself. However you should be able to do the same, whether that means he takes over the childcare when he gets home from work so you can enjoy hobbies, or another day of the wkend you get to yourself. It's all about compromise and both of you getting some down time

MommaGee · 05/05/2017 11:55

Did he go before you met? If he did & you knew this, YABU'

But life changes when you heaver children. I used to volunteer eve rye weekend away from home when I was single - I cut it back when I was in a relationship and stopped it when I had a child. I'll restart it when Dc ate older. It doesn't mean I don't get time out but parenthood is about balancing everyone's needs

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 13:09

Are you being dim on purpose, scottish ?

User627938362 · 05/05/2017 13:12

Was that made clear before the baby decision though momma?

A lot of men need this spelling out and agreement reached. My ex couldn't understand why I wanted to go to football at all let alone away days.

It is effectively 19 days a year so cut that in half and it would be 9/10. That's not really too much is it?

bebox · 05/05/2017 13:51

I'm not being dim on purpose AF, but I thought the same as scottish.

How would a married man buy a season ticket if not with family money?

AnyFucker · 05/05/2017 14:06

"Family money". Large purchases using such for things like football season tickets and expensive travel to get there that benefits only the individual is something to be discussed jointly, yes or no ?

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