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Relationships

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Original poster

Boyfriend neglects my birthday and anniversary

56 replies

jojo89jo · 05/05/2017 03:21

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. He is not the most romantic, but he does remember dates (anniversary, birthdays, etc). He earns 4 times more than me as I am a student and have a part time job and he has a professional full time job. We see each other quite often as we live in the same neighbourhood. We barely ever go on dates, when we spend time together we are either at each other's houses or at the gym.

He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring. He does not buy me gifts or takes me out on many dates. May I also add the fact that he never buys his family any gifts for birthdays, or even holidays like Christmas, even though everybody in his family always buys him something.

We had a one year anniversary, and he didn't make an effort at all. He just texted me saying happy anniversary. I have bought him a gift, but he did not buy me anything, nor did he take me out. Fast forward to my birthday. My birthday came up a few weeks ago, and he didn't buy me anything, and didn't plan anything either. Not even a card. What makes it worse, is the fact that a few months in advance he would talk about my birthday, telling me that he is planning something, that he wants to do something with me for my birthday. Which got me excited. The day came and he came to pick me up after my lectures. He said happy birthday and said he is sorry but he hasn't got me anything. He dropped me home and we said goodbye, and I haven't seen him anymore that day. He had a day off work as well, so its not like he was busy. I thought he would at least have flowers and a card waiting in the car, or something at least. I thought because he is picking me up, he might drive me somewhere and surprise me. I don't expect much from him, but I appreciate when a partner is thoughtful, and would much rather prefer a thoughtful gift or date rather than an expensive gift or dinner at a luxurious restaurant. This has made me quite upset as it was a symbolic number birthday. A few weeks have passed and still nothing. A month later he got me a small gift which wasn't related to me at all and something I would not use. I thought this was not thoughtful at all. I said politely that I'm very grateful I asked if we can exchange it for a different gift as I want something I would make use of. He said we could, and after it was returned I suggested a few ideas but he hasn't bothered with it since. May I add that I have had his birthday all planned out and spent a lot of money on gifts, things that were personal to him and things I knew he'd love. So my question is, am I right about getting upset that he is neglecting big anniversaries?

OP posts:

fiftyplustwo · 05/05/2017 03:36

Is he of some other religion than Christian? Not everybody pays attentions to birthdays. In any case it was a good thing you discovered this personal trait now, and that it did not evolve when you had been together for a while. Maybe he's not all that interested in you? After all, you did spread the word of your upcoming birthday.

Original poster

jojo89jo · 05/05/2017 03:50

He is not religious at all! He celebrates birthdays! The thing is our relationship is very serious, and he tries to show love for me like picking me up from the airport etc but neglecting big dates is a big thing! Especially if he knows how much it means to me!

OP posts:

36plusandtrying · 05/05/2017 04:12

Read the love languages and get him to read it also. People show low in other ways - might help ?

HappyJanuary · 05/05/2017 05:46

I could understand not celebrating the anniversary I think. You're not married so it isn't really an anniversary, and it may not have occurred to him that you wanted to mark the occasion.

But not acknowledging your birthday in any way, after telling you he had big plans for it, is actually quite cruel. It is hard to believe that anyone would take the day off, pick their gf up...and then simply drop them home.

I know people show love in different ways but no gift, card or date is monumentally thoughtless and shows a lack of care or concern IMO.

Silverdream · 05/05/2017 06:24

There's a bigger problem than not acknowledging birthday and Christmas etc.
You said you never go out only go to the gym or stay in.
This is not a normal healthy relationship. Even if you haven't much free money you can go for a walk and a drink in a pretty pub. Meet up with mutual friends. Etc etc.
Him not acknowledging your birthday is an extension of him not acknowledging your relationship. Cuddling on the sofa and him saying he loved you is not enough. You need to do life with him.
Stand back and look at your friends and families relationships then look at yours. Is this how you want it to be.

TheNaze73 · 05/05/2017 06:34

Why do you say anniversaries in the plural sense if you've been together 18 months? I think you're being a bit prescious

sparkleandsunshine · 05/05/2017 06:40

I would be fuming, sounds like a selfish brat who expects everyone to give him presents on his birthday but doesn't think of others on theirs, my little brother is like this (he's 21) and currently blames it on being a student, but he worked full time the last 3 years and he did it then too!
I'm forever telling him he should at least ring our mum or dad or grandparents on their birthdays AND THEN when he does, they praise him like he's gods gift cos he remembered! And there's me with a card, a present, a phone call and a visit and no one bats an eyelid! They're all obsessed with the fact that HE REMEMEMBERED! And I always want to scream "NO THAT WAS ME TOO" but it would crush them.
Prick.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/05/2017 06:43

Is he just tight with his money?
Talks a good game but won't actually spend to make it happen?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 05/05/2017 06:44

jojo,

Why are you and he together and what do you get out of this?. This is not a relationship at all really. Did you meet online?.

Re your comment:-
"He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring. He does not buy me gifts or takes me out on many dates"

Those two sentences really do not go together at all. How does he show you love and care?. It sounds like you are simply his pretty young thing to him. What do you really have in common?.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?. What sort of an example did your parents show you?.

MyOtherProfile · 05/05/2017 06:47

Have you actually told him these things are important to you? He may just not really get it. However it is important to you so make sure you explain that to him on words of one syllable. Also second the idea of getting him to read the love languages book. Then if there's no change you have to decide if you are happy to stay with someone who won't make a fuss of you or consider what you feel.

LoveForTulips · 05/05/2017 06:51

Anniversaries, plural? I presume one birthday and one year anniversary? I agree with thenaze and think you're being a bit precious.
Anniversary, you're not married so is it important? I agree that saying that things were planned for your birthday and not happening is just unfair - I would call him out on that!

junebirthdaygirl · 05/05/2017 06:52

He sounds tight. I would be more worried about ne er going out. Do ye meet with friends? Have you met his family? Have ye ever been out to dinner cinema or a concert? He comes across mean so be very careful.

Chloe84 · 05/05/2017 06:53

So he celebrates birthdays, just not yours?

I would be getting a refund on his presents. He sounds like a tight prick.

Barbaro · 05/05/2017 06:57

Well you know he doesn't even buy his family presents so why are you expecting them? He doesn't like giving them clearly, whether thats because he doesn't want to spend his money or because he doesn't like the anxiety that can come with present buying for some I dont know.

It was cruel of him to say he had something planned then not bother. I think he struggles to think of what to get people, even flowers aren't obvious to him, so he doesn't bother to avoid the stress. Some people are like that so if you want to be treated to dates and if presents are important to you, find someone else as he won't change.

mactavish · 05/05/2017 06:58

I don't think its the end of the world if he doesn't buy you gifts, my DH does only rarely but that is part of his background. It does hurt me sometimes when he knows its my birthday but doesn't make the time to get a gift, but I know he loves me like nothing else and would do anything for me, so that is more important. It sounds like your boyfriend is similar to that? The important qualities to be looking for in your future mate are loyalty, calm patience (no angry tendencies), good work ethic, etc. and not present buying.

However it sounds like he does have a tendency to think of himself a little more than is healthy in a happy relationship however, so I would say its up to you to steer things in the right direction for you now and think of him as an unchiseled diamond!
Explain or show him a visual diagram (bloke's seem to understand these better) with examples of what you expect for birthdays and Christmas, with 3 columns for Acceptable (e.g. flowers), Impressive (a thoughtful present) and Not Acceptable (nothing).

Is it possible he may have felt overwhelmed by the pressure to get you something perfect and then failed to find anything to come up to the expectation? If you go on with him, I would prepare to be disappointed by him sometimes, not just in this way but others, e.g. with childcare, relatives, the house, however, in that you will not be alone. Many wives are regularly disappointed by their OH. What helps in all this is good communication - if you tell them in good time what specifically what you expect and make it easy and attainable. I know one friend who gave her new boyfriend a clue what she wanted for their first Christmas together, she gave him one word 'Benefit' which he was delighted to solve with a massive gift box for her.

In other words, his mother has not turned out the finished product, there is a whole heap of work left for you to do - millions of women find this tiring when they have their own children to cope with as well.

Also, I would definitely cut down regular easy contact and make yourself more of a challenge for him to get time with. Read a copy of The Rules, these really do work, sadly!

TheTabardOfDoom · 05/05/2017 06:58

I would bin any boyfriend that knew it was my birthday but CBA to even get me a card, no matter how much chuffin money he earned.

category12 · 05/05/2017 07:08

The birthday story is really very sad. And nasty, getting you hopeful and then nothing. I would ditch if I were you. He's an arsehole.

Heathcliffitsme · 05/05/2017 07:23

Very hurtful to not get anything for your birthday and not even take you out.

Have you actually said, why did you not get me anything? Or remind him that you got him something?

Just say to him, I was very hurt by that and see what he says.

I think it's a good point from a pp that it's easy to be a boyfriend sitting on a settee in the evenings but that's not real life is it?

It also sounds as if he is tight so that's alarm bells as well.

7to25 · 05/05/2017 07:23

Mactavish
" his mother didnt turn out the finished product"
The blaming of the MIL on mumsnet plumbs new depths. I presume that HE was bought birthday presents as a child and that he knows they exist!

Chloe84 · 05/05/2017 08:30

In other words, his mother has not turned out the finished product

Agree with 7to25. Fathers obviously have no hand in how their children turn out.

Isetan · 05/05/2017 08:44

If celebrating anniversaries are important to you then say so but given that he talked the talk about your birthday but didn't follow through with the wall, I'd be more concerned about his at best flakiness or at worst, poss taking.

This is your relationship too and if you don't speak up for yourself, no one else will. Only you can decide how important this is to you but dont waste your time hoping he will morph into someone different This is is who he is, get used to it or get out.

Shayelle · 05/05/2017 09:05

Sounds like a dry, unfulfilling, tedious, completely boring relationship. Wouldnt you have a better time being single?!!

wizzywig · 05/05/2017 09:10

Imagine your life if you choose to get married, get a house, kids etc etc. Your expectations differ from his. Dont think that getting him gifts will prompt him to remember to get you one. It wont

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 05/05/2017 09:12

He 's just not that into you imo.

Cut your losses and find someone on the same page as you.

Someone with manners for a start.

MatildaTheCat · 05/05/2017 09:45

Only stay with him if you are prepared to settle for this and, quite possibly worse, behaviour in the long term.

He sounds very mean and not only financially. Look around at friends and ask if your relationship is similar to theirs or what you would hope for? Birthdays only come once a year but other little meannesses will be part of life every single day.

Ditch.

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