Boyfriend neglects my birthday and anniversary

[jojo89jo]

Me and my boyfriend have been dating for a year and a half. He is not the most romantic, but he does remember dates (anniversary, birthdays, etc). He earns 4 times more than me as I am a student and have a part time job and he has a professional full time job. We see each other quite often as we live in the same neighbourhood. We barely ever go on dates, when we spend time together we are either at each other's houses or at the gym.

He is a respectful partner and is loving and caring. He does not buy me gifts or takes me out on many dates. May I also add the fact that he never buys his family any gifts for birthdays, or even holidays like Christmas, even though everybody in his family always buys him something.

We had a one year anniversary, and he didn't make an effort at all. He just texted me saying happy anniversary. I have bought him a gift, but he did not buy me anything, nor did he take me out. Fast forward to my birthday. My birthday came up a few weeks ago, and he didn't buy me anything, and didn't plan anything either. Not even a card. What makes it worse, is the fact that a few months in advance he would talk about my birthday, telling me that he is planning something, that he wants to do something with me for my birthday. Which got me excited. The day came and he came to pick me up after my lectures. He said happy birthday and said he is sorry but he hasn't got me anything. He dropped me home and we said goodbye, and I haven't seen him anymore that day. He had a day off work as well, so its not like he was busy. I thought he would at least have flowers and a card waiting in the car, or something at least. I thought because he is picking me up, he might drive me somewhere and surprise me. I don't expect much from him, but I appreciate when a partner is thoughtful, and would much rather prefer a thoughtful gift or date rather than an expensive gift or dinner at a luxurious restaurant. This has made me quite upset as it was a symbolic number birthday. A few weeks have passed and still nothing. A month later he got me a small gift which wasn't related to me at all and something I would not use. I thought this was not thoughtful at all. I said politely that I'm very grateful I asked if we can exchange it for a different gift as I want something I would make use of. He said we could, and after it was returned I suggested a few ideas but he hasn't bothered with it since. May I add that I have had his birthday all planned out and spent a lot of money on gifts, things that were personal to him and things I knew he'd love. So my question is, am I right about getting upset that he is neglecting big anniversaries?

Its important in a relationship to do nice things for each other including marking important dates like anniversaries & birthdays. Making an effort is more important than how much money is spent so he could have thought of something to do on your birthday - from going for a walk by the river to a fab meal there are so many possibilities for every preference & budget - that would then form a nice memory.
Is this a first relationship for both of you? You seem to have an idea of how you think it should be but perhaps he doesn't have a clue?!

He's not "sorry" though, is he? If he was likely to be sorry at his own ineptitude he would have made more effort. But he chose not to. He chose not to bother buying you a card, a gift, or to spend time with you. That was his preference.

The fact that he treats his family the same brings me to the only logical conclusion possible. He is a selfish, self centre, man-child arsehole.

Dump him.

And picking you up from the airport is not romantic, or a show of love. At best it is a moderately nice thing to do.

You need to seriously raise your own standards.

One thing I really dislike about it is people who are happy to accept gifts from other people and never reciprocate. I just comes across as mean.

I wouldn't be in a relationship with someone, who couldn't even bother to buy me a birthday present and especially knowing its not because they can't afford to.

This is a tight fisted man and a future with him would not be the best idea.

What happens when you have kids? He doesn't want to buy them gifts either.

My DH isn't overly generous, but he has always bought me birthday and Christmas gifts and he does get flowers for our wedding anniversary.

He's just not one to buy ad hoc gifts like many other men might do, but I can live with that. Would be lovely, but hey ho.

It sounds like you are young

Why settle for someone "who ignores your birthday and does not take you out on dates" ???

He is either lazy, bored or not that into you or all of these

Find someone who cares and loves you who has a passion for you and for life !

Some people are not into celebrating occasions like birthdays etc and that's fine. I don't like a fuss myself and i hate the trend of celebrating every bloody thing, but, this is part of a bigger picture in your relationship. As pp said the birthday thing was just nasty. It sounds like he makes no effort at all, no dates, no gifts, no fun by the sound of it and its not likely to improve as time goes on. I am sorry op i don't think you are his Miss Right, you are his Miss Right now. I imagine you would be happier in a relationship where your partner puts in as much effort as you do. I think you should bin him off and start really living. I assume you are young, you should be having the time of your life right now.

Tell him it's really hurtful. If he's a caring and respectful partner he won't go on to willingly hurt you in future.

Tell him it would be nice to have a date night once a week or once a fortnight. And ask him to come up with something.

Great! You don't have to buy him anything either.

I really don't mean this to sound condescending or anything, but are you sure he sees you as his gf? You say he's very loving and caring but you don't ever go out together, other than the gym? And on your bday he picked u up from uni and took you home. In what way is he loving and caring? U said he doesn't buy anyone in his family presents but is happy to accept from them, sounds like an immature, selfish idiot. I had a friend in a similar "relationship". She was with someone she considered her bf but he didn't ever take her out or talk to her about the relationship. It turns out she thought they were serious and he just saw it is a casual thing. I don't know how she didn't realise this but u think sometimes we don't want to face the truth.

You are going to have to seriously scale back what you have planned for his birthday at the very least.

he sounds awful, do you really want to be saddled with someone so unfeeling and undemonstrative?

only a year and a half and you go to each other's houses or the gym, nah sorry that would not be good enough for me, it sounds boring and he sounds incredibly tight and inconsiderate.

Recent BF was like this. His taking and taking just got worse. He's now been arrested for DV against me.

I'm not saying this is how your relationship will turn out at all but I am saying his selfishness became gradually more and more extreme and turned into aggressive and violent control and I think everyone is best off avoiding relationships with selfish people because giving more than you get back never ends well.

I think you need to address what you understand about relationships, in particular, those of a romantic nature.
Two issues jump out at me from your original post: 1. You are either very young, immature or vulnerable or maybe a combination of all three...

1. You have low self esteem, a lack of confidence in yourself quite possibly, because in accepting such behaviour from him, you haven't put into place the self respecting personal boundaries that confident women normally do.

I feel very, very concerned for your future wellbeing with this type of person and can only advise you to detach, end things and move on before he erodes even more of your sense of self.

Have you given him his presents yet for his birthday?
If not then return them or sell them.

Sorry but this will just get worse as the years go by.
He doesn't even take you out!
All of this would be a total deal-breaker for me.
Not present on my birthday!??? = FUCK-OFF!!!

Thank you will give the book a try!
The thing is with the one year anniversary, is that a few months in advance he would hype it up saying 1 year together is coming up etc etc, same as he hyped up my birthday beforehand and didn't deliver.
I think I would be fine if he didn't make that much of an effort if he didn't remember or if big dates weren't significant to him, but he KNEW and he kept talking about the big dates.

TheNaze73, the anniversary was for one year and not an 18 month anniversary.

sparkleandsunshine, i can understand how annoying that makes you! 21 years old is old enough to understand that this kind of thing is important, he needs to man up.

AndTheBandPlayedOn, he's not tight with his money, he's actually very careless with his money and doesn't budget well at all. For example he would spend like £500 on a night out on drinks. I don't like that quality in him how bad he is with money. I try to teach him to budget well and that saving is important and that going on dates is important too but he doesn't have to spend a fortune. But I don't think anything comes from it.

AttilaTheMeerkat, we are together as we love each other. He is my shoulder to cry on, he is always there for me when I need him. It's 1am and I'm sad, hell come pick me up. It's 4pm and I'm sad, he will come too. We did actually meet online yes. We don't actually have a lot in common, but I wouldn't describe it like what you have. I have met all of his family, he keeps talking about the future of the relationship, I have met all his friends etc.

MyOtherProfile, yes I have told him a birthday is a big deal. Christmas and celebrations like that, present wise are not a big deal to me but I have told him how important a birthday is to me to be celebrated.

LoveForTulips, what do you mean by precious? Yeah anniversary is not such a big deal when you're not married, but the fact he kept talking about the fact 1 year together is coming up etc etc made it a big deal.

junebirthdaygirl, yes met all of his family, we do go out sometimes, like once every 2/3 months.

Chloe84, his birthday was before mine so he already got the presents. It made me happy as we was so happy with everything he received. I really don't like the fact that for Christmas all of his family bought him gifts but he didn't buy anybody anything. He doesn't buy his mother flowers on mothers day, even when I encourage him to do so, or doesn't buy anyone in their family a birthday present, even when I say lets go shopping maybe we'll find something even if its small.

Barbaro, I am expecting them because he hyped up my birthday before it came around, so naturally I was expecting something. We had a conversation at the start of our relationship and again after, that he wants to spoil me and buy me gifts etc, so its not like he said to me 'I don't really do present giving' he just says a lot and doesn't deliver.

He thinks nothing of spending £500 on a night out FOR HIMSELF. I doubt he'd spend that on a night out for you...

Seriously he's a selfish waste of space. You're only young, don't settle, you're worth so much more. He'll never think that though.

Have you heard of future faking? He's doing it.

mactavish, thank you I will try that!
"In other words, his mother has not turned out the finished product,"
I think that is so true, he comes from a big family so maybe the parents didn't put much focus on him.

We have already had a conversation about expectations etc.

Will have a look at the book!

Heathcltiffitsme, yes i have said to him that i was very hurt he didn't celebrate my birthday, and he responded with "I'm sorry but I can't go back in time" and "I was very depressed at the time, I wasn't in the mood" and "I was going to do this but spent my money on this instead" Which is unacceptable.

I don't see much of a future with him, yet he talks about the future all the time. I think he has certain qualities which I really don't like and I could never picture him as being a good dad.

ocelot7, it is his first relationship, however I have had a few relationships in the past. Yeah I think because it is his first relationship he might be a bit clueless.

MrsJamesMathews, I thought picking me up from the airport was romantic, since it was a 2 hour drive. I really liked the fact he picked me up.

FFr1day, he is lazy yes. He is a little boring, but I feel like I can't cut ties as we love each other.

MissBax, Yes i am his girlfriend, he introduced me to all of his family and friends and he keeps talking about the future together. He is just very lazy and maybe dates aren't his thing. We do go out just rarely. Yes I think he is a little immature for his age.

Hissy, his birthday has already happened, it was a few months before mine.

pallasathena, May I ask what makes you think I am immature? But you are right with the fact I have low self esteem, I can see how a confident woman wouldn't put up with that.

hellsbellsmelons, I have as his birthday was before mine.

Look at what you have written op. He talks about big occasions long in advance, hypes them up in fact, but when they arrive, nothing. That is very odd behaviour. He talks about your relationship, your future, but will he fail to deliver there too, I really think he will. Talk is cheap. Obviously you know him and we don't, but it doesn't look good. Can I ask, what does he say when he is given presents and doesn't reciprocate, is he embarrassed? What does he say when you suggest flowers for his mum, does he give a reason not to buy anything? He is there when you need him, except when it will cost him something. I have never heard of future faking, but it sounds about right here.

"FFr1day, he is lazy yes. He is a little boring, but I feel like I can't cut ties as we love each other."

Cut the ties. That's no kind of love, esp so early on in the relationship.

What to you is a mutually loving relationship because what you describe is certainly not it. I wonder whether anyone actually bothered to show you what that is because I do not think that they did.
Was your childhood a really sheltered one as well looking back on it?.

Re this comment:-
"He is my shoulder to cry on, he is always there for me when I need him. It's 1am and I'm sad, hell come pick me up. It's 4pm and I'm sad, he will come too".

I think he feels on some level that you now owe him. The above I am sorry to say makes you sound rather pathetic, immature and vulnerable which is paydirt to someone like this person you are with. I am not surprised to see that your self esteem is low; he will further lower it.

You "love" each other but you do not really have a lot in common. This is really going nowhere fast isn't it?.

Why is your relationship bar so very low here to begin with?. What happened?.

A good article on future faking:-

www.baggagereclaim.co.uk/future-faking-is-like-the-emperors-new-clothes/

I think it's horrible that he did make any effort for your birthday. Something simple would have brought a lot of joy but he didn't even bother with that. I also think you need to come to terms with the fact that this is who he is. He will NOT change. You've just seen what your future will be like if you stay with him. Nothing but hurt feelings and resentment.

Great article, Attila.

There are women on MN who think you're selfish to expect a present on your birthday or Christmas and think just because they get nothing, you shouldn't complain when you get nothing.

Your boyfriend's in a league of his own because he tells you he's going to get you something, then doesn't turn up with anything.

You seem to think that you can't end the relationship, even though you think he's boring, he's terrible with money, he winds you up about presents, he doesn't treat you to anything, you never go out on dates, etc.

Why on EARTH would you want to continue this relationship? Surely you know you'll still be complaining about him in years to come? Surely you don't think he's going to get better than this?