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Original poster

We've had sex - OLD and 'exclusivity' chat.

46 replies

Runningthroughposies · 03/05/2017 20:16

Evening all,

I met a guy from Match.com around a month ago and we have been on 3 dates so far. We get on brilliantly, it seems like we have known each other ages despite only recently meeting. We text daily, he seems very keen on me and wants to arrange a fourth date.

I went round his house on the weekend and we ended up sleeping together (third date). I know some people will be judging that but it felt right at the time. The issue is, we haven't officially had an 'exclusivity' chat. I know he has still been logging into his Match.com account. I don't want to be sleeping with someone who could potentially be seeing other people at the same time.

How do I approach 'the chat' without scaring him off? Should I mention it at all or is it too soon? Baring in mind we have been chatting for a month but really have only been seeing each other in real life for a couple of weeks.

OP posts:
Princesspinkgirl · 03/05/2017 20:21

I would def broach the subject i met my new dp on a site called meetme we discussed things right away and did actually have sex right away this was a year ago we're still going strong op if aint a keeper then best to know now then later

TheNaze73 · 03/05/2017 20:23

Seems a bit too soon for me. I'd be out off. Don't look into the sex bit too much. Not an indication of anything these days.
Good luck & remember you're the prize

MagnumPieEye · 03/05/2017 20:27

Just tell him you don't feel comfortable sleeping with someone who might be sleeping with someone else. If he doesn't like it you know where you stand.

DrMorbius · 03/05/2017 20:29

Three dates, way too soon. If you don't want to have sex, fair enough, but you are at least two months short of the "chat".

FlyWaxSleepRepeat · 03/05/2017 20:31

For me personally, an exclusivity chat is way too soon after only 3 dates.

But as you don't want to be sleeping with someone who is possibly sleeping with others (though it's a bit late for that), then it's quite simple, you choices are, you either stop sleeping with him or have the chat.

MaisyPops · 03/05/2017 20:32

It depends on what you're both after.

E.g. Friend of mine was after kids and marriage and was 'getting on' (her words) and was after a guy with similar time frames so their exclusivity chat happened after 3 months but that's because neither of them wanted to waste each others time.

But if it's just general dating and see how it goes the it's way too soon. Only way I can see is asking if he has other partners because you're going to the clinic and are sorting contraception or some reason like that. That'll get you a response but don't have the 'are we together' can't

Kittencatkins123 · 03/05/2017 20:51

Yeah, sorry I think it's too soon, you've only just started sleeping together - I would give it a bit longer yet. I used to call this being 'sexclusive' and made it clear it wasn't THE CHAT chat but just about not having sex with anyone else.

I actually never had this chat with my bf! But as we're past the boyfriend/girlfriend/I love you stage I think it's probably covered Smile

rumred · 03/05/2017 20:58

Ask him if he wants to be exclusive. Don't be mithered by timescales. Go with gut

SuperFlyHigh · 03/05/2017 21:08

Hmm, I had sex about 6 dates after me and SO first met. we'd been chatting by text/email for 6-8 weeks before that and meant to meet up.

I, personally, at my age (45) prefer to have sex sooner rather than later these days to work out if we're sexually compatible.

He assumed afterwards we were exclusive though it was a bit awkward with us as he "bumped into" a woman friend of his a couple of weeks after this whom who'd known when he lived in a different town a few hours travel away. They had a friendly drink together but I had to work out and ask him what was happening with her (he insists just mates!) as I think he may have been attracted to her as well as me!

Anyway he's with me now but I wasn't quite sure about things until the above.

Arealhumanbeing · 03/05/2017 21:08

You can have sex whenever you like. Forget anyone who judges you for that and trust yourself. Don't read dating advice websites or get hung up on 'the rules'.

You were an equal participant and I assume you had a lovely time. It's ok to own that and be confident about it.

However you may now have your feelings hurt. Sometimes it's painful enough when they're seeing others and you haven't even slept together.

What you want is important. Be your authentic self and ask him. If he's in the place as you he won't be scared off.

Arealhumanbeing · 03/05/2017 21:12

same place as you.

UpYerGansey · 03/05/2017 21:19

What ARealHuman said.

3 dates is fine, especially if they were "deep" dates.

See him a bit more and see where it goes. It's hard not to get angsty when you like someone. But be true to yourself (with a light touch) would be my advice.

Cricrichan · 03/05/2017 21:26

I wouldn't sleep (or in this case, carry on sleeping) with someone who was seeing or sleeping with someone else. Just tell him what you're comfortable with.

PamDooveOrangeJoof · 03/05/2017 21:31

What ARealHuman said.

Personally if I startedsleeping with someone regularly I would feel pretty shit if they were still looking around for someone better and/or sleeping with someone else at the same time.

If he likes you he won't be scared off. If he's not that fussed the answer wouldn't change on the hundredth date.

Thephoneywar · 03/05/2017 21:43

If he's a great guy, enjoy the moment. Enjoy spending time with him and having sex with him.

scoobydoo1971 · 03/05/2017 22:16

It doesn't matter if you had sex after 3 dates...your body, your choice...but if you start the 'exclusive' chat now then he may think you are controlling. Take precautions to protect against STD...lets be honest, you met in the melting pot of OLD and he may sleep around...you don't know him yet, give it 6-8 months before you start to know what he is really like warts and all...just not genital warts tbh, so keep your interests as a priority. Even if you have the exclusive chat, he may insist he is not seeing other women and he may well continue...this is the whole point of dating off-line, to see the person as they are and let things take a natural course, what-ever that may be.

TheStoic · 04/05/2017 06:55

Just say to him exactly what you've said here.

"I don't want to be sleeping with someone who could potentially be seeing other people at the same time. How about you?"

If he's not on the same page, you have to be prepared to stop sleeping with him, or stop seeing him altogether.

CherylVole · 04/05/2017 06:57

God I slept with h after about three hours. I'd relax a bit.
If he's falling for you he will want to be exclusive. If not then hey

Clnz4fun · 04/05/2017 10:10

It doesn't have to be an exclusivity chat it's just you drawing a line in the sand.
I had a dp that when we were a few dates in and had sex he found out I was sleeping with others/keeping my options open.
He was totally fine/respectful and accepting of it but said he wasn't comfortable sleeping with me knowing I was sleeping with others and he had no expectation that I should stop for him.
We went on to have a fantastic relationship.
Smile

You can just withdraw from having sex if you like until you know he is only seeing you or it might fizzle out anyway as it's only a few dates in.

YrOriginal · 04/05/2017 10:38

If he doesn't raise "exclusivity", assume there isn't any.

YrOriginal · 04/05/2017 10:44

Personally - and I know its an unpopular view on MN whose general outlook is "You Go Girl!" regardless of the hurt and insecurity this can create for many women - I think its better not to have sex until you are clearly exclusive (without that awful word necessarily being mentioned).
Unless neither of you want an (that word again!) exclusive relationship.

ArcheryAnnie · 04/05/2017 11:11

I would not like the idea that anyone I had started sleeping with was still shopping around for a better offer.

I think it's fine to have the "are you sleeping with other people while sleeping with me" chat anytime you like. If you have already have had sex, then it's not too soon. It's not a declaration of undying love, just an expression that you don't want to be one of a stable.

MyOpe · 04/05/2017 17:20

Yes, OP, its a bad sign, he's back on the dating site after you slept with him.

What you do now is difficult because I'm guessing (apart from in-the-moment lust) you were never clear about "how much he was really into you" when he slept with you on the third date. Its not "judgment" as you suggest in your OP, its just protecting yourself from being exploited, truly!

If I were you, I'd keep dating other men, really! I wouldn't bother sleeping with him again either if he's pursuing other woman. I suppose you could ask him. But if he hasn't made it clear, thats your problem right there.

Marmalade85 · 04/05/2017 17:24

What matters most is what's right for you OP. If you aren't comfortable then you have to ask him if he intends to sleep with other people and if he says yes then you move on.

MyOpe · 04/05/2017 17:27

Well if he's back on the dating site Marmalade he's interested in sleeping with other people. But I agree, you could check his intentions. But after 3 dates the OP is assuming alot. Newsflash Just because a man sleeps with you doesn't mean he has any intentions whatsoever!