We've had sex - OLD and 'exclusivity' chat.

[Runningthroughposies]

Evening all,

I met a guy from Match.com around a month ago and we have been on 3 dates so far. We get on brilliantly, it seems like we have known each other ages despite only recently meeting. We text daily, he seems very keen on me and wants to arrange a fourth date.

I went round his house on the weekend and we ended up sleeping together (third date). I know some people will be judging that but it felt right at the time. The issue is, we haven't officially had an 'exclusivity' chat. I know he has still been logging into his Match.com account. I don't want to be sleeping with someone who could potentially be seeing other people at the same time.

How do I approach 'the chat' without scaring him off? Should I mention it at all or is it too soon? Baring in mind we have been chatting for a month but really have only been seeing each other in real life for a couple of weeks.

Just to add, on a practical level, now the deed is done, you could ask him when you next see him you saw he's still on the dating site, is he still looking? His response will tell you everything you need to know. Good luck, and please come back and tell us how you got on.

He may have been back on the site but how do you know he wasn't checking to see if YOU were?

I've never really had the exclusivity chat as have always assumed that before sleeping with someone - I guess I'm still a bit 20th century in this...
But don't get how you can be sleeping with someone but then to suggest (belatedly) having the exclusivity chat would be controlling?

Hi all,

I actually met up with him for lunch earlier, didn't have 'the chat' though as we were in a cafe and it didn't seem appropriate. He does still seem keen to organise more dates, texts me etc.

Next time we are in an appropriate place to chat I am going to approach the subject from a sexual health point of view. Just basically say that I am not happy to enter into a sexual relationship with him if he is sleeping with other people. That way it doesn't come across as too forward.

He could well be accessing the dating site to check if I am still on it, as I have been doing with him . Although I have told him that I don't respond to the messages anymore and he told me he never gets any messages and the ones he does get are 'weird'.

3 dates is fine, especially if they were "deep" dates.

What the hell is a "deep" date?

Shagging on the 3rd date is way to soon imo. Even when I met my DH (over 2 decades ago,) we didn't do it for 2 months (we had met up/gone on dates over 20 times by then.) Even now, I know several young couples who waited several months.

I doubt very much that the man the OP has been seeing was looking on the site to see if the OP was on there; most likely he was looking for other women 'just in case.'

As ocelot said up there ^ I wouldn't be shagging someone, until we were actually exclusive anyway. Old fashioned maybe, but that's how it is.

OP this is really a hard thing for others to advise as everyone has their own timescales and approaches to this. For example I wouldn't have sex with someone after three dates or without knowing we were in a relationship. Call me old fashioned. For others that would be fine.

Re the sexual health angle do you mean to suggest no condoms? Please be careful, it's so soon and I agree with PPs who have said asking for exclusivity after 3 or 4 dates is just too soon.

Aargh that sounds judgemental/bad wording and it isn't meant to be. Just such a subjective thing. Hope it all works out Ok.

Things are really weird, IMO, if 3 dates is just fine to shag someone but way too soon to ask if they're shagging anyone else.

I mean, is this what women are reduced to these days, merrily shagging anyone whenever they like but WOE BETIDE that they express any sort of desire for exclusivity? It's like we're free prostitutes.

OP, if you want an exclusive sexual relationship which is a perfectly valid desire, by the way, and not something to feel ashamed of, or be scared to bring up then the time to negotiate that was before you had sex.

All you can do now is either have the exclusivity chat, or stop having sex until you're ready to have the chat.

But (and I'm sorry to use your thread to make this point), I really hate how the modern dating world has made sex casual, while making feelings, emotions, and vulnerability become dirty words. Something is so wrong with that.

I met my bf OLD. Slept together after 8 dates and like you would not be comfortable sleeping with someone who isn't exclusive and told him so. I gave him the choice to ditch the site and be exclusive or be just friends. We both came off the site and still going strong 10 months later. I recommend the chat - at least you'll know.

Great post What's Going On. I totally agree.

That said if a woman likes sex for sex's sake and wants to shag whether exclusive or not that's fine too (you weren't saying otherwise).

I'm sorry, OP, but if he is checking out potential shags on the site post sex, when he should be daydreaming about when it will happen again and how wonderful you are, he is not 'very keen'. I know it's hard to hear but it's better that you don't get too attached to him if he's not as into you as you are him. And I think you are deluding yourself if you think that he is checking the site to see what you're up to. Sorry, but I think you are too attached in the circs.

I don't know, I'm even more conflicted now from all the response as it seems quite 50/50! I think I just need to have a conversation with him about it soon.

He still seems keen, texting me throughout the day asking what I am up to and generally being very complimentary towards me, paying for all of our dates etc.

To be fair when we have met up I have joked about me being on the dating site, showing him silly/crude messages I have received. Although I did say I don't really reply to the messages I get, but maybe he thinks I am still actively on it? Who knows. I find dating very confusing

Starting a conversation on this from a sexual health POV is totally the right angle, IMO.

Personallly, I would never sleep with someone new now and consider exclusivity. Unfortunately that is the dating attitude now.

But I don't think there's anything wrong with having the chat.

I belong to a generation where the man paid on dates, but it really isn't OK to do that these days. I'm surprised you allow it.

Er, just speak to him in an honest and clear way. You are over thinking this.

Why is he paying for the dates?

It all sound unbalanced. Both you expecting him to pay, and you tying yourself in knots about raising things the right way not to scare him off. Don't start off with this dynamic deferring to him. If you don't want to sleep with someone who is still (potentially sleeping with someone else then just say so. If you scare him off by having and expressing boundaries, then he's better gone!

totally agree with the point made above I'm surprised prostitutes make any money these days as most men can get free sex on the Internet after a few messages.

Sorry, where did I say I expect him to pay for the dates?

I offered to pay on the first two dates, to which he declined and said he believed a man should pay. I'm not going to force the issue, making it awkward by insisting I pay when he's already made it clear he doesn't want me to.

It only makes it awkward if he's an arsehole who doesn't respect your wishes though.

This really is part of point though. You don't want to make things awkward by not accepting his claptrap that a "man should pay". All about him. You're deferring to what HE wants, not presenting what YOU want. And you also are worried that you'll scare him off my saying that you don't want sex with him if he's still having sex with others. Again, you're thinking about what he wants, his reaction.

Put YOU first. Tell him, that you want to pay your way. Tell him, that you enjoyed the sex but you'd rather not do it again until you both decide it's an exclusive relationship - and you're not there yet yourself. Unless you are there yourself - in which case, it's fine to tell him you want exclusivity.

Stop deferring to him!