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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Devastated...again

47 replies

catmadmum · 03/05/2017 14:55

Hello,

DH and I have been married 15 yrs and have 2 DC 9 and 7. I don't want to drip feed but am at work and haven't time for a long post. Anyways, this morning I felt the urge to check his phone. He's been a bit odd or I've been having one of my sixth senses and I had a look at watsapp, search history etc. Nothing there, phew I thought. Then I thought to press on the google bar so as to paste the last thing he's copies and an encrypted type email address for craigslist came up. It wasn't a link to the website but an encrypted email address. Over our 19 yrs together I've put up with him posting stuff on gumtree, casual encounters type websites. It's happened every 2-3 years with a promise to never do it again/seek help but then it does happen again. The last time that I know about was in Nov 2014. I told him to go and he ended up in a hotel for a few nights. That's the closest I've even got to thowing him out. Even while at the hotel I could see that he was texting random women at 3am probably whilst drunk. That time in 2014 I found out he'd travelled across London to meet someone from craigslist and I only know that as I checked his oyster card. At that point he'd denied he'd ever met with anyone and just did it to read the replies. Not that that's OK. I'd seen him email indecent pics of himself to someone that had replied and he'd received one back. I feel totally sick writing this. I'd totally be LTB if I was reading this. However, I've not left him. We're still together and on the whole (until this morning) I thought those dark times were in the past. Rather than stew all day I confronted him this morning and he denied having done anything, That he doesn't know how to copy and paste and that if he did it was from years ago. Does anyone know how long a pasted item stays on the clipboard? He's had a new phone since 2014 anyway!! He's a good husband in most senses, he works (so do I), he goes 50/50 with childcare and does most of the running around after school clubs etc. He pulls his weight around the house etc. However, I've just had a niggle this past few weeks that he's been getting up extra early on the weekend (i like a lie in) and given what I've found today he must have either replied to something on craigslist or posted something. What he posted in 2014 btw was the most revolting vile stuff. I am absolutely devastated.We've just got the builders in to do work on our house. We've got the summer hols all booked. The £2500 it cost was paid for by me from my work bonus but it's a driving holiday and I wouldn't attempt that on my own. I just know he's going to minimise this and make me out to be wrong/paranoid etc or blame me in some way. I'm just posting so I have something to look back on and for support. I don't really want to hear LTB but just don't know what else to do. I'm a strong independent woman. I've always worked ft and earn more than DH. I'm not dependent upon him. The kids adore him. Argh. how I wish I'd not snooped this morning.

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 03/05/2017 14:58

The problem being the first time you let him off with it was the green light for him to continue. .
So he has.
Ltb really is the only way to stop him cheating on you.

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 15:05

You wished you didn't know your husband was a vile, sleazy pervert, really, I think you're best knowing what you are dealing with.

He never stopped OP, and you never stopped letting him off, I think you've even convinced yourself it's not so bad because you are that used to it.

It is bad, it's awful, he's making an arse out of you and risking your sexual health at the same time. I honestly think he needs psychiatric help.

Fuck the holiday, I'd happily forgo it and concentrate on getting this total embarrassment out of my life.

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 15:07

How can you even have a shred of respect for him? No respect, no trust = no relationship, you are just kidding yourself it's anything more.

Want2beme · 03/05/2017 15:09

You'll always be suspicious because that's what he's done to you. You'll never feel secure with him, I know, I've been through this. Do you want to live this way forever? I'm sorry you're being treated this way and having to deal with this again. He obviously wants to do his own thing without any consideration of you.

Maudlinmaud · 03/05/2017 15:12

You are worth so much more!!!!

jeaux90 · 03/05/2017 15:38

What's to love about someone who can do that to you? Xxx

SparklyMagpie · 03/05/2017 15:44

How long are you prepared to keep putting up with this shit? Because if you don't leave it's going to continue to happen because he gets away with it

Heathcliffitsme · 03/05/2017 15:49

You don't want LTB so what do you actually want? What is realistically going to make him change?

HotNatured · 03/05/2017 16:01

what do you really expect people to say other than an unequivocal LTB?

SandyY2K · 03/05/2017 16:03

You've taken him back every 2 to 3 years, so what's different now? Do you believe you actually caught him every time he did it? This is his lifestyle. The sooner you realise he won't change, the sooner you can accept that or move on.

You saw and accepted the vile things last time by staying. You need to accept he's addicted to these hook ups.

He's had a new phone for over 2 years and you believe that stuff is still on the clipboard? That Doesn't even make sense. It's not possible.

Penfold007 · 03/05/2017 16:13

Unwittingly you've enabled his behaviour for the last sixteen years. He isn't going to change. Why would he? He cheats, you find out and there are no consequences. He knows you won't leave him and you will carry on funding holidays etc. Currently you are not a strong independent woman but you could be. That driving holiday could be a first step, show the DC what an amazing mum you are. Take control OP Flowers

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 16:16

And every two to three years you find out, what about all the other times you don't.

Can only echo above, be that strong independent woman and show your children that nobody should put up with this crap in their lives.

He's actually disgusting, makes me feel ill.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 03/05/2017 16:45

Jesus pervert is a bit harsh.

I try to find a way too make a situation "innocent" and not worse case scenario. But his story isn't making sense. For that link too have been copied he needed to have gone on Craig's list. Did the link not point too his name? You could search via Craig's list his name I believe.

loobyloo1234 · 03/05/2017 16:56

So how many times have you let him get away with this then OP?

He isn't going to change. Do the self respectable thing and find a way to end it with him and move on with your life, away from this disgusting cheat

Chops2016 · 03/05/2017 16:57

Your clipboard is cleared every time your phone is turned off/restarted. He is gaslighting you. I'm sorry you're going through this.

Lovemusic33 · 03/05/2017 17:05

He's just gong to continue to do this, he won't change, it's not just a one off. Kick him out Sad

Adora10 · 03/05/2017 17:07

Jesus pervert is a bit harsh.

Really, he's travelling all over London meeting up with folk of Craigslist, do you know what that is, he's also posting as the OP says, vile stuff, and you think that's not perverted, well I do, it's rank.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 03/05/2017 19:06

The OP finds it vile. Doesn't mean everybody else would. Each too their own really but labelling somebody or their actions perverted when it sounds far from it is a bit dramatic.

Havalina · 03/05/2017 19:11

Sorry you are going through this too. Just dumped bf of 2 years for the same thing, with the added loveliness that he was messaging men too. Apparently he never met them, or he did when he was single but never went through with it Hmm.

He wont change he is a deeply selfish cuntbag. Ltb

HildaOg · 03/05/2017 19:54

You have recognise that this is who he is and make a decision based on that reality. If you are happy to turn a blind eye for the rest of your life, then accept this behaviour and carry on. If you aren't happy with his habits, then you need to dump him.

The worst thing you can to is get upset, forgive him and then expect him to be the faithful husband until the next time you catch him and repeat the upset cycle. His habits are engrained. They're not going to change. Accept or rid. It's your choice.

NotTheFordType · 03/05/2017 20:00

He is not monogamous. He will never be monogamous. You must, at some level, know that? You've been closing your eyes to his extramarital affairs for what, at least 15 years. If he is otherwise acceptable as a husband and father, then why not practice a "don't ask don't tell" policy and stop torturing yourself by looking for evidence of what you know you will find? You are not prepared to leave him, so what's the point?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/05/2017 21:40

This is just terrible. I'm so sorry. But sadly, I don't see why you would think your husband has or will change. You have let him get away with this over and over and over with absolutely zero consequences. He has no motive to change and I doubt he would anyway. You need to get checked for diseases, asap.

Huskylover1 · 03/05/2017 21:48

Well I would leave him. But you know what? If you can't or won't, I'd think "what is good for the goose is good for the gander" and I'd fucking cheat on him too.

Not saying that lightly, btw. My ExH cheated and it devastated me (10 women at least). I remained faithful for 4 years then lost my shit and cheated too. After that, I left him.

I'm now married to a lovely, lovely man, and wouldn't want to go back to those days. But do I feel any guilt? Fuck no. It was good fun actually, in a very bizarre way.

Blodplod · 03/05/2017 21:49

I've literally read the first 3 lines of the OP, and that was enough for me to think Jeez, why is this woman bothering with such a twat.. I couldn't read on because there's no other answer than leave, gain some self respect and go.. go now.. please..

Blodplod · 03/05/2017 21:55

I would literally tear my husband to pieces if he behaved like yours.. literally. Sorry, I don't normally post to these types of posts but why do women put up with this sort of crap from men? Why? I'd rather be in a studio flat in the arse end of hell than put up with shite like that..