Devastated...again

[catmadmum]

Hello,

DH and I have been married 15 yrs and have 2 DC 9 and 7. I don't want to drip feed but am at work and haven't time for a long post. Anyways, this morning I felt the urge to check his phone. He's been a bit odd or I've been having one of my sixth senses and I had a look at watsapp, search history etc. Nothing there, phew I thought. Then I thought to press on the google bar so as to paste the last thing he's copies and an encrypted type email address for craigslist came up. It wasn't a link to the website but an encrypted email address. Over our 19 yrs together I've put up with him posting stuff on gumtree, casual encounters type websites. It's happened every 2-3 years with a promise to never do it again/seek help but then it does happen again. The last time that I know about was in Nov 2014. I told him to go and he ended up in a hotel for a few nights. That's the closest I've even got to thowing him out. Even while at the hotel I could see that he was texting random women at 3am probably whilst drunk. That time in 2014 I found out he'd travelled across London to meet someone from craigslist and I only know that as I checked his oyster card. At that point he'd denied he'd ever met with anyone and just did it to read the replies. Not that that's OK. I'd seen him email indecent pics of himself to someone that had replied and he'd received one back. I feel totally sick writing this. I'd totally be LTB if I was reading this. However, I've not left him. We're still together and on the whole (until this morning) I thought those dark times were in the past. Rather than stew all day I confronted him this morning and he denied having done anything, That he doesn't know how to copy and paste and that if he did it was from years ago. Does anyone know how long a pasted item stays on the clipboard? He's had a new phone since 2014 anyway!! He's a good husband in most senses, he works (so do I), he goes 50/50 with childcare and does most of the running around after school clubs etc. He pulls his weight around the house etc. However, I've just had a niggle this past few weeks that he's been getting up extra early on the weekend (i like a lie in) and given what I've found today he must have either replied to something on craigslist or posted something. What he posted in 2014 btw was the most revolting vile stuff. I am absolutely devastated.We've just got the builders in to do work on our house. We've got the summer hols all booked. The £2500 it cost was paid for by me from my work bonus but it's a driving holiday and I wouldn't attempt that on my own. I just know he's going to minimise this and make me out to be wrong/paranoid etc or blame me in some way. I'm just posting so I have something to look back on and for support. I don't really want to hear LTB but just don't know what else to do. I'm a strong independent woman. I've always worked ft and earn more than DH. I'm not dependent upon him. The kids adore him. Argh. how I wish I'd not snooped this morning.

Thanks for your replies. I had to wait for kids to go to bed to speak to him. I just told him to sleep on the sofa and that I don't believe him and that I'm not putting up with it this time. He was on his very last chance (he v much knew this). I think that the email address is proof enough but he thinks that it shows nothing and of course knows nothing about it.
I have no proof over the years that he has ever cheated on me. I guess that if I did I would have left. I do have proof of intent but he has always maintained it was for fantasy and he'd never go through with anything. Who knows though. The Craigslist email address that appeared when I pressed paste was like this
[email protected] - this is all I have to go on. I guess I know it means he either posted something or replied to something. I'm not going to just chuck him out. I have no choice to get the building work completed and probably have to sell before he can go. Anyway. I just wanted to put it in writing precisely so I don't just let it go and to hear your views. Thanks.

How soul destroying for you. I presume you only know the tip of what he's doing. I would also presume he's been cheating and would check phone bills or cash withdrawls. Sounds like he's addicted to it.
What a weak willed arse of a man he doesn't deserve you.

The OP finds it vile. Doesn't mean everybody else would
Maybe not, but I would think most ppl in the same position (ie partner of the cheating bastard) would find it vile. What's your point.
OP. Leave, or accept that he'll continue. Sorry. He does sound vile and disrespectful.

Just seen your reply OP. If it's innocent he won't mind showing you the email? But no doubt it's already deleted. Does he have an explanation of what it said?

Fritz: All I could show him was that Craigslist link. He said he knew nothing about it. I have no idea what it was about. He has a work tablet that I've never looked at (don't know how to get in) so he must have all details on that and a secret email address. I am exhausted by all of this and feel so sad and let down. Kids are so beautiful. How could he do it to them never mind me.

OP

You cannot live like this.

You deserve much, much better

The number of people who arrange meetings with escorts, prostitutes, Craigslist users and allegedly never go through with it is amazing.

That's the standard script. Then if you have evidence of the meeting... It was just a kiss..... Then.... They tried to have sex but he couldn't get it up...

Lies lies and more lies.

Have you asked yourself why you're willing to be treated like this? You're intelligent and self-sufficient. He's gaslighting you left, right and center. You say the kids love him but how much can he really love and respect them when he repeatedly cheats on their mother? Is how you're living the example you want your kids to learn from? Maybe it's time to make some HUGE changes, right now. There is no reason he has to remain in the home. He doesn't deserve it.

As soon as the phone switches off it deletes what's on the clipboard. He's lying. Sorry

When I went to that link you posted, this is what showed up....

Whatthe: I took 2 digits out of the link I posted. I clicked on the link I found and it just goes to the Craigslist home page and not the actual page you posted. Lying here sobbing as I know what I have to do. So many things going on at the moment. I can't kick him out as he's nowhere to go and would just stay in a hotel that I'd end up paying towards. I'm not leaving my home (and have no where to go ). I'll have to think hard about how it ends but it is over. I don't expect anyone to understand but despite all the shit he's put me through we have been v happy.

Oh how bizarre. It brought up a google listing for me. That was the first listing on it

I know how you feel anyway OP. I've been there. I know what it's like to know you HAVE to walk away and SHOULD walk away. But you love them so much.

It doesn't sound like he will ever change though!!!!! Do what is right for your kids. They deserve a happy Mummy that's not needing to check Daddy's phone! X

I know how you can believe that you are and have been very happy together, but this was with him getting his kicks on the sly. Bottom line (for a lot of us) at some point is deciding if you are still happy, knowing your OH has a secret life which they KNOW FOR A FACT would make you unhappy if you knew the details. You have evidence that it is recurring, fwiw I think you are making the right decision. Ppl who do this kind of thing (and hide it) are truly selfish and ultimately out to please themselves. I'm not sure how you could rely on him to make the best decision for you and your family rather than himself, if it ever came to that.

I am sorry OP but if you think he's never cheated you are deluded, he's met these people and has been for years; this is his little secret life where he gets his kicks, fine, if you knew and were open about these things but you are not and should not have to be; he's a liar and a cheat; he has nothing to offer you other than more of the same.

I really hope you get rid of him; he sounds absolutely dreadful.

And I'm afraid by not asking him to go you are basically carrying on the status quo.

Oh dear OP, I know exactly where you’re at.

I had a partner who continued to post on casual sites, “without my knowledge”. He also swore it was all for fantasy and that nothing would ever happen.

So many times I found things on our shared computer, in the history. I was often able to log in to the sites to check his messages as he was very unimaginative with his passwords. It may take months, but always started again.

I’m sad to say I baited him once and he walked right into it. I joined one of the sites under a fake ID. When he was off work and I wasn’t for a few days, I arranged for the fake woman to meet him, so he texted me to say he was going to the bank with some mortgage papers, at the time I’d baited him to meet. I know he turned up at the meeting point and wasn’t at the bank until the following day. I never told him that.

I let it go so many times, I was aware he’d arranged to meet other men for oral sex but hadn’t gone through with it. Multiple sites over multiple years.

Until the last time. He always swore it was just fantasy, and I told him if he ever actually went with someone else I was gone. He did, I left.

The stupid part is I work in IT, programming and security. He knew I could check anything. I reminded him enough times – wherever you go on the internet you leave a little footprint behind.
He lied about meeting the woman (she came to our flat, in fact). So I tracked her down, emailed her and asked what happened. She told me enough. He was on a swingers site and she thought he was single. She left a glowing review of a genuine meet on his profile, which I read. I keep a printed copy of his profile, and some of the messages, just to remind me what a total shit he is on the occasions I miss him.

I'm happier now, and can only hope he's not doing the same to a new GF.

fritz you not going too put the rest of my statement there? Or just going too leave it out of context.

The OP finds it vile. Doesn't mean everybody else would. Each too their own really but labelling somebody or their actions perverted when it sounds far from it is a bit dramatic

It was in regards too him being called a pervert.

Could you continue to live like this if he was honest and open about his life and choices? You say he is a good father and husband, but he is lying to you and you don't trust him. I'd say trust is a foundation block of marriage- but it doesn't seem to be the case for you? Which is fine if you are honest with yourself at least.

There are always going to be reasons why it isn't a "good time" to end a marriage. I didn't walk away because it was "too close to xmas" ffs... But maybe if you went to see a solicitor and got some advice you could see a way forward. Your holiday should be insured? Check and see if you can cancel or move the value towards a family holiday for you and the kids? You sound like a powerful woman at work, but what is it about your role at home that differs in this?
Could he be a good dad if you separate and he can share custody? Could you leave for a few nights and have the hotel room?
Sorry for the million questions. It's a horrible time I know, and I hope that you can feel suppprted by all us MNers who know you're worth so so much more than this guy.

"The number of people who arrange meetings with escorts, prostitutes, Craigslist users and allegedly never go through with it is amazing.

That's the standard script. Then if you have evidence of the meeting... It was just a kiss..... Then.... They tried to have sex but he couldn't get it up...

Lies lies and more lies".

This - standard cheaters script (male or female) is to only admit to what the other person can prove. They know their partner desperately wants to believe the minimum for emotional reasons, family/stability reasons etc.

Also - almost single everytime I see a poster on here saying their partner's cheated/ed ... they mention numerous incidents of unproven cheating or 'intent' in the past.

(Should have been 'cheating/ed').

Catmadmum - there are people on here who've left partners when they were fully dependant on them, no job of their own, no equity, would have to get benefits, would have to scrape by etc.

You are in such a good position compared to them; good job, earn more than him, house etc.

You say you couldn't do all the driving on the holiday yourself - you probably could. You're underestimating yourself. My Mum is a nervous, highly strung little lady who hates new situations & is scared of motorways; but she drove all over the midlands of Scotland once with us to visit my sister because she was motivated enough.