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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Can Relate cause more harm to a betrayed spouse?

27 replies

Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 14:39

Hi, I went along to first session and I have to say I'm not sure. No advice offered whatsoever, just another opportunity for him to throw my anger in my face as an excuse for everything. I should be angry, it's root cause is him stonewalling, cheating and compulsive lying to my face. Anyone had success with Relate councelling to at least get over this if not stay together.

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Original poster
Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 16:16

Should I expect the councelor to point out that he is unreasonable to expect no anger or do they just sit there and spectate. Top dollar for this and I don't know if it's going to be money worthwhile.?

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 03/05/2017 16:19

Tbh I think there are good and bad counsellors. I personally found Relate unhelpful (more interested in getting the fee, when I was really upset after a horrible session. They got, and would have got the fee...but it was so uncaring, the way it was done. Seemed quite ruthless). Other people I believe have mixed experience of them. Doesn't sound like your counsellor is that good. Sorry.

Lonecatwithkitten · 03/05/2017 16:20

It was excellent for me as counsellor pointed out I was not unreasonable to end the marriage of ExH was not prepared to stop seeing OW (though to this day he maintains that he did everything he could to save the marriage).

BadToTheBone · 03/05/2017 16:29

Dh had an affair nearly 10 years ago, we went to relate and we're still together. The main difference between your experience and mine, that I can see, is dh was completely committed to me and making it work, he never blamed me. He never got angry because I was angry, but I did have to get over it, we had to make the marriage a happy one, that wouldn't have worked if I'd kept hold of my anger. It was hard, I'll be honest, but so worth it.

WeeMcBeastie · 03/05/2017 16:36

I didn't find it that useful... I went twice; the first was after my EXH had an affair. I felt as if I was being blamed slightly where I now know that it was not my fault at all. I also didn't tell any of friends and family except my best friend so I didn't have anyone telling me to LTB (as I should have done)
It made things better for us for around 5-6 months. He started being vile to me again and I caught him messaging another woman a year later and another 2 years after that! At that point I realised that I deserved better and I made the decision to start making my exit plan.
I really wish I'd ended it the first time as you can't ever fully trust someone after they've cheated on you. You'll always be wondering what they're up to and that's a horrible way to feel. You deserve better, I would never give someone a chance again if they cheated.

Twitchingdog · 03/05/2017 16:53

Your 1st session is not counciling it just a getting you session and what you want from counciling. Next time you have have session ask boundaries to be set where he can't shout at you or what ever you find upsetting.

StrongerThanIThought76 · 03/05/2017 18:03

I went to one session. My exh was such a horrible, confrontational, lying, blaming, ridiculous arse that I walked out knowing it was definitely time for divorce.

Original poster
Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 18:11

Thanks for replying. I am just so fragility atm and I don't think I can take any more punishment for his fuck ups. I thought the Intake session was for background info, they were given all the details of what was going on then.

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Garlicansapphire · 03/05/2017 18:12

I went to counselling for 4 months with my husband after his affair. It was useful - we both managed to hear each other and say our piece. The counsellor was not judgemental and taking sides but did focus on his lack of emotional engagement and infidelity and the causes of it. Then I dumped him. Because it helped me realise how little he had to give and why I didnt want him back. It was good value in my opinion.

Isadora2007 · 03/05/2017 18:12

It's such a shame you don't feel supported. That's not the way couple counselling should be at all. At my service you can request an individual appointment with your couple counsellor if that would help at all? She may need to also see or offer an individual appt to your husband too. But that may work?

magoria · 03/05/2017 18:14

He clearly is not interested in sorting a fair open relationship.

You have the choice to stay and put up with his shit.

Or leave and be far happier without.

Original poster
Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 18:17

Yes but I don't think I need to have my nose rubbed in it anymore, this is supposed to be him trying. I suppose I am looking for validation though because after betrayal you just have an unbearable need to be heard and some kind of closure.

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Original poster
Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 18:18

I think I'm going to try individual isadora

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AnchorDownDeepBreath · 03/05/2017 18:23

It doesn't sound like he's trying if he's angry that you're angry.

Going to counselling does not constitute trying. It's his fault you need counselling in the first place.

The counsellor can try and help you both deal with what has happened and why; but they can't change your partner.

Original poster
Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 18:26

I have told him this Anchor. He has said if it doesn't work that's him done. His name on house, I'm sahm, young baby...... He's completely fucked me over.

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Original poster
Hesabawbag · 03/05/2017 18:33

He also thinks that this place is full of bitter women and the last place to seek adviceHmm

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StrongerThanIThought76 · 03/05/2017 18:49

Try the Wikivorce website for support and advice on your rights re house in his name. Minimum is 50/50 starting point x

deckoff · 03/05/2017 19:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thethoughtfox · 03/05/2017 19:38

It's not recommended if one partner is abusive.

magoria · 03/05/2017 19:48

If you are married then the name on the house is not as important.

It is an asset of the marriage. That you have DC and you stay at home to look after them will also be taken into account.

Don't assume you have been fucked over.

Get proper legal advise so you know where you stand.

Dadaist · 04/05/2017 16:52

Er - ad the last post said. his name on the house means absolutely nothing if you are married!
But importantly you should feel supported by counselling, and there should be some intervention where the other party is not being fair or reasonable. But it may be that the counsellor is getting the measure of things before intervening too early, and your DP might be in for a fall. That said of course, holding and expressing anger, however justified, isn't really okay - and counselling is not going to tell you that it is. I hope you start to feel more balanced for you soon.

Dozer · 04/05/2017 16:54

The problem is not relate, the problem is your H. He doesn't want to take responsibility or, apparently, stay with you.

I would, however, suggest that BACP qualified counsellors can be better: many relate counsellors don't have this qualification.

Dozer · 04/05/2017 16:55

And yes, if your H is emotionally abusive best not attend with him.

SleepingTiger · 04/05/2017 16:56

All counsellors are forever learning.

Original poster
Hesabawbag · 04/05/2017 19:50

I don't want to be angry, it's not a good feeling but it is a natural reaction surely. I asked him towards the end of the session why he was there and he said because he loves me and wants it to work.Confused just feel as though he thinks that if he keeps me angry it deflects from his misgivings. I feel worn out.

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