What were your doubts before getting married?

[user1486956786]

I'm definitely an over thinker and over analyser. This is also my first long term relationship. We are not engaged yet but im sure it will head in that direction at some point (we openly discuss it). I'm just wondering what are some of the doubts (if any) you had prior to marrying/settling down with your other half? And how have those transpired down the track? On the whole the great outweighs the bad by far but there are moments when I do question things and I'd love to hear other experiences. I'm 28 and my partner is 38 (he's been married before).

Don't be alarmed OP, some people people over think and analyse everything. I am one of those people, some people just think with their heart some with their head more.

It's not a bad thing at all, and by analysing doesn't mean your love isn't true, or they/you are not in love or right for each other, it's just different personalities.

You will also get on mumsnet the very defined split of 'I hated my husband we are divorced, I didn't spot the reg flags' and the 'I had no doubts whatsoever, we have been together 417 years and I love the bones of him and we never ever argue" types.

The people in the middle are massively under represented on mumsnet in my opinion.

I had no doubts and neither did DH.

After previous relationships where I was walking on eggs trying to please my DP it was such a relief to be with DH - I could totally be myself and never worried about upsetting him or whatever.

We never argued before marriage and we rarely argue since (maybe once a year, literally).

We had all the important conversations before he even proposed - countries we'd be prepared to move to with jobs, children (how many, how to raise...) and the biggie - money.

Where I live it is very common to have marriage contracts which dictate how money is treated (all in a pot, or totally separate finances, or seperate before marriage then in a pot after marriage - the contract can be changed at a later date). So we had big long conversations about money, including with a sollicitor who drew up our contract.

You can't know today who you will be at 48 and what you will want and need.

Similarly your potential future husband will be 58 by then and he doesn't know who he will be, what he will want and need.

Try asking people who are or have been in relationships with 10 years gap and see what worked and what didn't.

As for this forum, one of the recurring themes is a mismatch in intimacy and sex.

Are you prepared to stay together if there is a significant mismatch? If you wont be interested anymore and he complains about it, how will you react?

Also you keep saying that "I repeat, we will never fight over money, house, housework etc."

It's not because you are both well off now and have several properties that these wont constitute dramatic problems in the future.

I didn't have any doubts at all and 5 years into our marriage I still don't.
We don't argue over money or housework, it's not a given that all couples will!
I think a 'personality clash' is a massive issue though. People's personalities don't really change. If you're clashing now, you'll clash even more if circumstances get tough for any reason.

I had doubts. It's difficult to convey exactly what they were, just a general feeling of it being not quite as right as it should be.
We got married. Then we got divorced 4 years later.
I'm not sure having doubts is a good thing no matter how you spin it.

It really depends on the doubts, I think.

If I had any doubts about my husband's character, I wouldn't have married him. Likewise if I thought we would have huge issues surrounding money, family, kids or any other big issues.

I was perfectly happy being single and I think that helped a lot. I think anyone who is very keen to get married will overlook a lot of crap.

I worried a little, I guess, that I would feel trapped or that I'd lose my independence, but we talked about it a lot beforehand and I definitely don't feel like that now.

None

I got married quite late and already had a few 'interesting' relationships behind me. DH was a breath of fresh air and I knew I wanted to marry him almost immediately. I still feel the same about him. I never felt like that in my previous relationships and two were particularly testing. Both could be incredibly unkind/make thoughtless comments.

One thing that I have learnt is that you cannot change people. You have to accept them for who they are. If he makes unkind comments then he will continue to do this and probably get worse as he gets older/you become more familiar. If you can't shrug this off then you need to really consider if he is the one for you.

Before DH came along I had a really good think and listed all the things that were important to me. He's not perfect by any stretch (who is?!) but he does tick most of those boxes.

I didn't have a single doubt and nor did DH. He'd been married before and I'd wasted 10 years of my life on someone I'd had lots of doubts about but hadn't been brave enough to leave for all that time. So both of us were determined to be 100% sure before getting married / getting into a relationship again. Luckily we both knew pretty much immediately - I knew I wanted to marry him by the end of our first date! - and we haven't had a single doubt since.

That's not to say our marriage is sunshine and roses all the time - of course it's not, and we still have to work at it and make effort. But making the effort and doing the work is an absolute pleasure, if that makes sense. And we are perfectly matched in every way, from big important things right down to small little ones. There's nothing I'd change about him.

peach you absolutely described my situation, except my husband has never been married.

I knew as soon as I met him, and I have never doubted him. We have our issues, but working on them always feels worthwhile.

the only worry i had was about how i would feel and react to being married. I worried that it would feel pressured and cause me to act weird and put a strain on our relationship
I was wrong though, it was fine.
I didnt have any worries or doubts about the man i was marrying.

Ooh, I lied: I said there's nothing I'd change about him but I WOULD change how grumpy he gets in traffic.

Had major doubts (mostly sex related). We divorced. Apart from my children, which I could never regret, I wish I had talked about the doubts and walked away. I really do.

I think personality clashes are the worst really.

House, money, housework - these problems can all be temporary and/or externalised (you can move house, you can earn more money, you can outsource housework) - when you're having personality clashes these are much harder to resolve because you can't just get a new personality or sidestep the one you have.

Do you have compatible core beliefs?

Marriage is a big deal (duh alert ) - don't fall into the trap of doing it because it seems to make sense with the person who happens to be around when you seem to be in the right sort of place to do it. You should be sure that you want to share your life with this person and make them your family.

I was worried my STBH was gay. Turned out he was. I wish I'd listed to that inner niggle!

No doubts at all for me and i think the same is true for dh. We were early to mid 30s and as an over thinker and worrier and someone indecisive it was the easiest most straightforward decision I've ever made.

No doubts at all. If I had any I wouldn't have married him. Got married late 20s & over a decade later I'm still as sure as I was then that he's the only one for me. He feels the same. If our personalities didn't compliment each other & if he was rude to me I wouldn't be with him, simple as that. Fundamentally people don't change. Marriage isn't easy...but if you have doubts now I'd say things aren't going to suddenly become rosy just because you get yourselves a marriage certificate. Tread carefully.

No doubts at all. If I had any I wouldn't have married him.

This. I was with my first BF for 8 years and I always thought 'yeah it would be fine if we got married, we could make it work'. However I knew deep down it wouldn't have worked. I never had any of those niggles with DH.

I had no doubts whatsoever. If I had I wouldn't have married him.

I have had previous long term relationships and I would never have considered marrying (or even a joint bank account), they never felt like my family, when I thought of home I thought of my family home (mum and dads). Dh was the special one and still is.

I think, as women, we are conditioned to think we have to 'work at relationships'. Put up with poor behaviour. I find it easy to consider dhs feelings day by day and I know he considers mine just as much.

No doubts whatsoever with my Dh. We married quickly (5 months after getting together) although we'd known each other a while.

Still married 13 years later and 4 children.. And feel very close to each other.

Thanks for all the feedback everyone, loved hearing everyone's experiences. I definitely agree with one in particular, I think with my head over my heart.

First year there would have been no doubts of course but after the reality of living with someone for four years, of course I have moments where I think I wasn't expecting this! I think marriage is just not a priority for me at the moment so I am just not getting too excited for it right now as there's other things I want to achieve first.

We had no doubts because we were very realistic. We both have flaws, definitely not perfect. We went into our marriage eyes wide open (long story and issues that are being addressed which may take a long time - not with each other though). I'd say our relationship is incredibly strong and gets stronger every day. Our marriage is our sanctuary and we are incredibly proud of it.

I love the "competition of kindness" quote.

Unfortunately there are no certainties in marriage, I have been married twice, I di question myself briefly on the way to the church with my first marriage, but only because I was asked on the way to the service by my Brother, my dad passed away a month before, he was a lovely lovely man, brilliant father and after 13 yrs we split I caused the split and to be honest I talked myself into leaving him, what I did not know at the time was I was in the middle of a massive breakdown that's the first time ive admitted this, I had lost my brother in unusual circumstances. I pushed him away even though he adored me.
I remarried a year after meeting another man going through a divorce as his wife had been cheating on him when ever he went away, he was in the Royal Navy. So when I was asked what had happened I told him My husband had controlled me, and I had concerns on how he treated the eldest daughter,( she was a handful with tantrums it gradually got worse over the years until at 11 she stole out of my purse and took her siblings with her to the local shops whilst we were still asleep early of a Sunday morning, he over reacted and frog marched her around the shops where she had been and made her ask for refunds and that she had stole the money from us.) She attacked her little sister and brother whenever my back was turned of a night time, so much were they scared of her they refused to live with me when I announced I wanted to move to the west country. I was a mess, and was drinking an immense amount, I should never of remarried at that time, it was too soon and I was very ill mentally we had enormous rows when drunk , even on the evening before I threw my ring at him, but we were in Jamaica so the following day without thinking I married him, Hes not a bad man but neither of us were ready for marriage our previous relationships were still very much in our thoughts, I knew if his ex had not slep about that shed still be his wife has he had adored me.
what started as a bit of fun in the bedroom quickly spiralled. until I attempted suicide.
Were still together after 15 years together, but not because we adore each other but we both fear being alone.. im disabled so need hi help a lot now and he doesn't want to be seen as a husband who leaves a wife in medical and mental need.
SO WHAT EVER YOU FINALLY DO ALWAYS ALWAYS BE HONEST WITH YOURSELF, AND WITH YOUR PARTNER .I WISH YOU ALL THE VERY BEST FOR THE FUTURE AND HOPE YOUR BE VERY HAPPY.
XX

I had no doubts whatsoever before I married my dh. I was nervous, but no doubts.
I agree, perhaps you should speak to someone about how you're feeling.

I was worried I would get bored and fall out of love and that our pretty dull sex life would get worse.
6 years on I love my DH with a fierce passion and our sex life has improved dramatically. It turns out that when both parties put the work in things get better.