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Original poster

What were your doubts before getting married?

74 replies

user1486956786 · 03/05/2017 04:49

I'm definitely an over thinker and over analyser. This is also my first long term relationship. We are not engaged yet but im sure it will head in that direction at some point (we openly discuss it). I'm just wondering what are some of the doubts (if any) you had prior to marrying/settling down with your other half? And how have those transpired down the track? On the whole the great outweighs the bad by far but there are moments when I do question things and I'd love to hear other experiences. I'm 28 and my partner is 38 (he's been married before).

OP posts:
Cricrichan · 03/05/2017 08:24

Any 'faults' will likely continue or even magnify after marriage. In every relationship I've had, the doubts that I suppressed because I was in love were the ones that ended up breaking the relationship. You have to think really hard if these faults will be something you'll be able to live with, put up with when you're tired and stressed and juggling kids, work etc.

There should never be a compromise on your oh treating you and what you do with love and respect and as an equal.

beekeeper17 · 03/05/2017 08:25

Only you will know if you want to marry him, and you will know. The only bit of advice I would give you is to be careful of making excuses for his behaviour e.g. saying he can be rude but he doesn't see it as being rude so that's ok. In hindsight, I did that a lot with my ex boyfriend, and looking back on it I should have just realised that he was being rude, no excuses, and asked myself if I was happy to put up with that. I'm not saying you're in the same situation as I was, but I do know how easy it is to start making excuses like that because you want the relationship to work.

Yes of course you'll have arguments, but as long as you're both prepared to listen to each other and respect each other's point of view, you should be able to work most things out.

pincha · 03/05/2017 08:28

How can you be sure you will never fight over money/housework etc.? Do you want kids? Are you certain he will do his fair share if you do have them?

pincha · 03/05/2017 08:31

I ask because the only way I can imagine being 100% certain that you will never ever have a fight over anything like that is because you plan on being a doormat and doing all the work yourself.

Original poster
user1486956786 · 03/05/2017 08:35

Because I'm very sure we won't.

Thanks Beekeeper, definitely going to have more serious / firmer chat about the rudeness and see if he makes changes

OP posts:
GlamClam · 03/05/2017 08:36

If I'm being brutally honest.

I own my own house, I'm still paying the mortgage on it, but it's all mine.

I have a dsd who is extremely rude and nasty to me and the children (really) the thought of her getting some of my inheritance balks me.

After two dc dp started to show signs I recognised, of emotional abuse.

I'm very glad I didn't marry him.

Joysmum · 03/05/2017 08:39

I had doubts, most of my friends did. It's a big commitment and we all know the divorce rates.

My doubts were that I was my dh's first and only. I was concerned about that.

I think as far as your dh's traits go, look at how he is with others. If he's only rude with you, this isn't just how he is, he's reserving his worst behaviiur for you and that's warning bells.

Also you say you would never argue over money or housework. That's a bold claim. I'm sure many before you have felt the same having not had those subjects tested before.

Original poster
user1486956786 · 03/05/2017 08:46

Stop challenging me on the money / house work. I've said a few times now it won't be an issue for us. Im sure there will be a bicker here and there but that's going to be it.

But I agree, I have seen so many divorces / affairs and I think it's made me nervous or a realist!

OP posts:
PitilessYank · 03/05/2017 08:56

I had major doubts! I was scared about the idea of a lifelong commitment, was nervous about moving, which I was about to do, and we were very different people. I had also been witness to my parents' own dysfunctional marriage so I had a poor role model there. However, I could not see myself marrying anyone else.

We have been married for 21 years now and it has been terrific!

JustMystified · 03/05/2017 09:02

I've been married twice and both times had cold feet.

The first time it was because he lied over silly little things, like whether the puppy was clean all night finally (he said she was and then I found soiled paper in the bin). He lied saying he hates broad beans like me, but when we had Christmas dinner at his parents his mum laughed when I said he hates them. Apparently he loves them. It concerned me that if he would lie over little things how much more easily he would lie over big things. Sure enough, within a year of being married, he was lying about a woman at work and whether he'd had an affair (to this day I don't know if it was physical or emotional).

My second husband I'm still married to but 2 weeks before we married I wanted to call it off. He'd been particularly horrible to me and I though he drinks too much. I went ahead with the wedding anyway and had a second child with him, and there are days I would happily walk away but I stay because of the children. He confessed to being an alcoholic (how had I missed that?!) and went dry, but still is quite a selfish person. I heard someone on MN quote a lovely saying yesterday "marriage should be a competition of kindness". Ours isn't. It's a competition of who's more tired. He tells me he's perfectly content in our marriage but I tell him that's only because he thinks he can get away with murder! Nobody in my family has a perfect relationship though, and so I guess there's a certain amount of trouble that you've got to expect and I am pretty certain that even the best relationship is under a huge strain when kids are put in the mix - they're exhausting! I wouldn't tolerate physical abuse though, if it got to that I'd be off. (It hasn't).

ToastDemon · 03/05/2017 09:04

I had no doubts, and I'm also a massive over thinker.

Hermonie2016 · 03/05/2017 09:06

Do you know why his first marriage ended?

How does he speak about his ex?
How he left and dealt with (or deals with) his previous marriage is a good indicator of how he will be post marriage to you.
Don't know assume you are different or more suited to him as he previously choose his ex and married.

elQuintoConyo · 03/05/2017 09:16

Ididn't have any doubts because DH and I have alwats been on the same page.

He isn't rude to anyone (me, his siblings, waiting staff etc), he isn't controlling, he doesn't expect me to do all the shit jobs around the house. He doesn't go off in huffs or gaslight me or manipulate me in any other way.

We are both far from perfect, but in small silly ways that don't really matter in the long term.

We were together 12 years before marriage, now married 7. I'd do it all over again in a heartbeat (maybe invite different people Grin).

BornStroppy · 03/05/2017 09:21

I had doubts, not about the man himself, but about the idea of being legally bound to him. Much of this was due to my parents nasty, acrimonious, endlessly traumatic divorce. I was so bad I was having panic attacks! And we are great ten years on, very much in love. I think it helps that I am so vigilant and we are always kind to each other. (Hes been divorced so is wise and wary as well)

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 03/05/2017 09:25

Like others, no doubts, despite having just turned 21 and knowing that people thought it was too soon (we were married just over 2 years after we met, only lived together 4 months before the wedding ).

My biggest and only fear on the day was getting gravy on my dress.

Bisquick · 03/05/2017 09:36

Read the OPs posts, not all responses. I was another one who had no doubts going in. That's not to say it has all been smooth sailing - there are plenty of issues that cropped up early on. We don't argue about money or housework etc - but our ways of arguing were a bit counterproductive. We needed to work on that.
My only advice is that you never know what circumstances life will throw at you, but be clear on what values you will use to deal with all those situations. We've had many challenging situations arise in the past few years, but I could predict the way we'd deal with them based on our characters. And it's not universally good, just that I'm aware of where we are lacking, and what our strengths are.

juneau · 03/05/2017 09:37

If you have serious doubts then you should address them now and if he speaks to you in a disrespectful way that's not the kind of thing that's going to improve with time unless it's addressed head-on. Where do you think that language comes from? Does his DF speak to his DM like that, for instance?

I would also want to know why his first marriage broke down.

I didn't have any serious doubts before my marriage. I'd been out with several different people before I met DH and I knew he ticked all the main boxes. But even small things can become big ones over the course of a marriage and pre-marriage counselling is a really, really good idea IMO. The big things you need to agree on are money - how you both earn/spend/save is really important and can become a major bone of contention if one of you is a spendthrift and the other a prudent saver. Whether you want DC, how many and when is another one. How you want to raise those DC inc. methods of discipline, schooling, etc. And do you both really want the same things from life? Someone wise once said that it's where you come from, it's where you're going to (as it needs to be the same place as your OH).

juneau · 03/05/2017 09:38

*it's NOT where you come from

thethoughtfox · 03/05/2017 09:40

No doubts and still love him. It helps that I find him incredibly sweet and so see all his gross little habits and annoyances as endearing and can't stay cross with him. Your lives, health and financial situation will change in ways you cannot predict so what is important is his personality and is he a decent person who treats you with love and respect. The sex may go ( indeed will go at times), you may not always be physically attractive to each other at times, and your hobbies and freedoms may be curtailed so can you just have a great time talking to him sitting in a car in a traffic jam or on the sofa?

thethoughtfox · 03/05/2017 09:46

OP, the problem is: your experience of a person is their personality and behaviour. Their personality determines their behaviour so if you have a personality clash, this is the basis for an unhappy life together. You may not argue over money, household issues etc now but most young people don't have much reason to. When challenges arise: children, more housework, less time to it in and one or both with a lack of sleep so too tired to so it, then that personality clash can make this very unpleasant.

LittleIda · 03/05/2017 09:49

I thought maybe op knows they won't argue over money and housework because she is wealthy so won't have money worries and will be able to hire a cleaner etc.

juneau · 03/05/2017 09:50

what is important is his personality

Very true! Is he kind OP? Does he take care of you, if you need him to? Those things, in the long run, are very important.

Firenight · 03/05/2017 09:53

None.

However lots of doubts about marrying my first husband!

Pinkheart5917 · 03/05/2017 09:54

I had no doubts, me and dh had a good relationship, wanted the same things, were equal in terms of money/housework etc and he was all I wanted. We are still just as happy now

Is he kind?
Do you want the same things in the future? ( I.e children, travelling etc)
Does you treat each other as an equal?

If you've any serious doubts they need sorting before your marry

juneau · 03/05/2017 09:56

be clear on what values you will use to deal with all those situations

This is also really important. When the shit hits the fan (and it will at some point), how do you think he'll react? Are you two a good team when the going gets tough? Because as a long-term couple you'll be dealing with serious illness, the death of loved ones, money worries, possibly trying for a baby/infertility/miscarriage/sleeplessness ... lots of hard stuff.

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