What were your doubts before getting married?

[user1486956786]

I'm definitely an over thinker and over analyser. This is also my first long term relationship. We are not engaged yet but im sure it will head in that direction at some point (we openly discuss it). I'm just wondering what are some of the doubts (if any) you had prior to marrying/settling down with your other half? And how have those transpired down the track? On the whole the great outweighs the bad by far but there are moments when I do question things and I'd love to hear other experiences. I'm 28 and my partner is 38 (he's been married before).

No doubts or questions.

If I were you I would either ask here or go talk to a councillor about the bits you are questioning. Sometimes they are far worse then you realise and talking them through with a third party wil help.

I completely agree with the above comments.

Having doubts is no bad thing. I had major doubts before I got married but pressed on anyway. 10 years later those doubts have manifested into some major relationship problems. I really don't know whether we will stay together....

I had no doubts whatsoever. I even remember how sure I felt on the day waiting to go in to the register office.

We separated after four years and went through a very nasty divorce.

I had no doubts what so ever. We were together 10 years before marrying.

We married in 2000. I don't think I had doubts. We married after a year and I still don't have doubts.

No doubts at all. However, my previous boyfriend and I did discuss marriage and I had a few doubts but I tried to make excuses for them. I'm so glad I eventually realised I wasn't 100% happy and left before we went down the road of getting married. When then I met my now DH, it felt a lot different, I knew very early on that I wanted to marry him, no question about it.

I had no doubts. Had been together 7 years, now married for 9.

On the whole the great outweighs the bad by far. This is a worrying sentence - what is the 'bad'? Are you expecting it to get better, or just continue to be outweighed?

XDH - lots of doubts including "he says he wants to change, but will he?". Much older and much wiser second time round.

Only thing for me was not wanting our relationship to change after marriage. Fortunately it hasn't

Surprised with feedback, I thought everyone had doubts, apparently not! My doubts are more personality doubts. The money, house etc etc is not and will not be an issue or an argument, it's more occasionally he says things or does things when I think, what the .... ?

Wow eye opener here.

I don't like the way he talks to me sometimes. He can just be so rude when it isn't necessary.

Maybe you should start delving into those doubts.

Doubts about house and money are legitimate worries. Do you have the same opinion on saving and spending money? Is gambling acceptable? Drugs? Save for a house or rent? While they may not be a problem now. They certainly will when you have a couple of DC and one of you has lost their job.

Many marriages break up because of disagreements about money. So don't dismiss those.

Also think about what he says that worries you. They could be an indicator of long held beliefs that will cause tension.

I am not typical then, as although I was deeply in love, I definitely had doubts- not doubts about getting married, but I saw my partner very clearly, his faults, the things he found difficult, I knew him well and wanted to marry him despite these things, but I wasn't unaware of them or starry-eyed.

This has not been a huge problem for us, I also have faults and irritating features, and you know what- we still both do! But we also love being married and love each other and would do it again tomorrow.

I don't agree with the MN mantra that up to the marriage should be some type of suspended animation blissful time in which you don't notice the bad things; this should be the 'honeymoon phase' is a phrase often trotted out. I prefer to get real early on- look at the bad things and think- can I cope with a lifetime of that? If the answer is that this person is decent, trustworthy, kind, as well as being flawed, with your best interests at heart, then go ahead if it feels right.

Rudeness is a horrible trait as it can easily slip into contempt for you. I would challenge this each and every time. Just say 'I don't like the way you spoke to me earlier, I don't mind you raising XYZ, but please don't speak to me like that'. See what happens.

There's a difference between a slightly abrupt manner that can be modified a bit- and horrible talk, words, aggression and even abuse.

That's the difference I'd be looking at- and be upfront with him that this rudeness is making you think twice about long-term commitment and see what happens. If he persists with rudeness, or is nasty/abusive- you need to leave otherwise a lifetime of that would indeed be unbearable.

We argue in a forthright and rude way, having said that, but are very equally matched - this is our interactional style. I found Gottman's work very helpful on this: 'Why marriages succeed or fail and how to make yours last'.

Thanks foureyes, I appreciate your comment as its very much my opinion but interesting to hear others. I'm very wary that relationships do not go to plan so I think I like to protect myself whenever possible.

I repeat, we will never fight over money, house, housework etc.

I genuinely believe our only true issues will only ever be personality clashes. I think it's our similarities that make us clash.

Gottman's work is extremely helpful because he doesn't just say well, that's your personality type, get on with it- he shows how each interactional style has its good points, but also its downside, what to be aware of and how to actively counter that.

I wouldn't say you would never fight over money, house, housework, I don't think this is realistic or at least, I don't know any people who haven't had disagreements over them over the past 20 years.

Some people love the fairy-tale aspect of those early days, for me, falling in love and relationships made me nervous and over-analytical and focused on the other person's faults- it's a miracle I married at all really!

I just saw your second post foureyes. I call him up on it each time. He just doesn't see it as rude but merely how he talks so need to keep working through that. We never have rows, more bickering over not understanding each other. Thanks for your advice :-)

Oh I'm sure there will be disagreements over money etc here and there but it wouldn't be make or break moments, I know that much!

When it comes to marriage, if in doubt - DON'T.

I didn't have a single doubt on my wedding day. No niggles. Married over a decade, would marry him again today.

I didn't doubt I wanted to marry my husband though, which is different than having worries/niggles about the relationship, which is what I think the OP was getting at. If you doubt wanting to get married, I wouldn't do it.

My doubts were about things like he didn't automatically think of me or be considerate and he wasn't over first marriage.

Things like he wouldn't ask how my day was, of wouldn't listen to the answer. I'm now wishing I'd listened to myself.

If he's rude to you or speaks in a way you don't like that won't get any better.

I had major doubts when I married my first.

We had been together 10 years and he was rude to me but I kept telling myself it wasn't bad enough to cancel a wedding

It didn't last at all as it just got worse after the wedding. Divorced 3 years later

Now with dp and we are engaged and I don't have any doubts about him, my doubts are now about if a marriage is worth it after the fall out I experienced from last time

No doubts at all.

I was so happy. Still am.