I'm flogging a dead horse here aren't I?

[puglady]

I've been with my partner for 16 years. We got engaged a year into our relationship but have never made firm plans for marriage. We don't live together, never have. He used to tell me he loved me but hasn't said it for years now.

I think I know deep down that his heart isn't in this and that he probably doesn't love me.

I've had MH issues - anxiety and depression - and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and endometriosis. I have a daughter who is almost 18 and I work 35 hours a week.

We've had issues with sex. He was a virgin when we met. He holds my hand if we're out but other than that, he's not affectionate. He doesn't put me first, he goes on holiday without me. He doesn't just hug me, if he does he gropes my bum/boobs. I will fully admit I haven't wanted to have sex with him for the last year or so, but this is because I don't feel loved, cared for or anything like that. When I say no he behaves like a child and I often end up doing it anyway.

He tells me that he's engaged in sexual acts with a stranger, he wants to see me have sex with someone else. He wants me to perform sexual acts on another man while he watches. I don't want to do this. He talks about all the time. It's got to the point that I dread being alone with him.

He uses the fact that I've slept with other people against me. He knew I wasn't a bloody virgin when we met - I had a child. I can't change what I did before I met him.

I'm not perfect. I went on a couple of dates when we had 'split up' briefly. I only did it to get some kind of reaction from him, to get him to show some kind of emotion, I wanted him to tell me he didn't want me to see anyone else. He didn't. This is now used against me to. He says that I've dated other guys so he should now date other women.

He doesn't have me or anyone I know on FB. He has his mate and his mates family and a couple of Radom women on there though. Says he doesn't use FB but his relationship status has changed to single. I was talking to him tonight on the phone and heard his FB messenger ping. I asked who it was and he got angry, said I was pissing him off. Of course, he said it was a male friend. Who knows.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have many friends and I guess I just want someone else's perspective.

Stop wasting time...

It sounds utterly miserable & sordid.

You didn't post one positive about the relationship.

Finish it.

Concentrate on yourself. Have some fun, live a little!

Oh OP, please please think about yourself and what you've written and end this. Free yourself.

Bye bye Felipe!

He's not worth it. Not by a long chalk.

You deserve someone who accepts you for who you are and doesn't hold your 'past' against you or use it as a weapon

I know what I need to do. I just want him to love me. 16 years is a long time, I feel like I've wasted it.

I wanted to get married and have a baby with him. I've had 2 miscarriages. The first one I didn't know I was pregnant. The second one I did. He never really said much about it. But a year or so later his friends wife had a miscarriage. He named a star after their baby. That hurt.

You haven't wasted your time. You had that experience. Now, being better informed by your experience, you can ditch the nasty man and have some fun.

If he has a single redeeming feature, you haven't mentioned it.

Sorry

It's not often I say this, but leave him.

You haven't wasted your time, but it now is the time to make a rather large, equine shaped delivery to the glue factory.

Omg...what a horrible man.

You can do so much better than this.

He's a nasty piece of shit and that's swearing!

I know that feeling Op. I felt i wasted 18 yrs with exdp. But concentrate on now. Dont waste anymore time.

I too just wanted exdp to love me...

He's not a horrible person, he's really not. He'd do anything for anyone and has done a lot for me. Maybe I just bring out the worst in him?

He's not treating you well. The reason why doesn't matter. If he's not making any effort to make you happy then you need to look somewhere else for happiness.

You sau he was a virgin when you met him bit then said that he has said that he has engaged in sexual acts with strangers? Has he cheated?

I don't know if he's cheated. He says he has. But when I question him further he says he hasn't. He's never straight with me.

He says he's been dogging. I don't know. I'm confused, I'm hurt, I'm sad, I feel humiliated.

He masturbates a lot and watches a lot of porn. He says that's my fault because I don't let him near me.

I have a suspicious mind.

Whatever you do please don't have a child with this man. He doesn't have the emotional or empathetic capacity of a teaspoon. A child should be born into a place where both parents deeply want them. It doesn't sound as if he's all that 'into' having a child.

As far as the length of time you've been with him, please don't fall for the sunk costs fallacy. It's a path to a lifetime of unhappiness.

OP he sounds absolutely dreadful and you sound as though you're not convinced you deserve someone less crap. I also think the length of time you've been together is holding you back from leaving, so may I suggest you have a read of this article about sunk cost fallacy because this shit relationsip has run its course.

And I totally agree with AcrossthePond55 when she advises not to have a baby with this man.

Why is your relationship bar here so very low?. What do you get out of this other than misery?.

What did you learn about relationships growing up as well?

I think you were targeted by this man and deliberately so 16 years ago. He sensed your vulnerabilities a mile off and honed in on you accordingly. The only person this man loves is him, not you and I doubt whether he has ever loved you at all to be honest. He does not know the meaning of the word.

This is no life for you at all, please tell me you do not want another 16 minutes let alone 16 more years of the same from him. This is about power and control; he is abusing you and has done likely throughout the last 16 years as well.

And what about your DD here in all this, after all she has grown up seeing you involved with this person. Is this what you want to teach her about relationships, would you want her to have a "relationship" like this?. I would hope not.

Please read your OP back to yourself.
There is not a single reason for you to be with this vile man.
He's nasty!
It's a horrible example you are setting your DD as to what healthy relationships look like!
Just block, ignore, delete, remove from apps, social media and get out there and enjoy your life.
This guy is what I call a 'fun-sucker'!
You would benefit from doing the 'Freedom Programme'

The relationship is pointless and you're certainly wasting your time with him.

He wants to be a cuckold by watching you with another man. He can seek that fetish with another woman.

Just end the relationship, because he sounds like a nightmare.

You say he's really nice.. Would a nice person continue going on about seeing you with another man when you've said you don't want that.

Start thinking more of yourself and realise that he has kept you of FB for a reason.

Dollars to donuts he has a life you know absolutely nothing about.

Why don't you take him at his word? If he says he has been dogging and is having sex with strangers, how much more evidence do you need?

Either he has cheated, which it sounds like, or he's just telling you has to deliberately hurt you, both are as bad as each other. It's clear that he doesn't really care about you and I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. He sounds quite depraved really. I don't think he is going to change, he's treated you like this for years and has gotten away with it for so long.

He has*