I'm flogging a dead horse here aren't I?

[puglady]

I've been with my partner for 16 years. We got engaged a year into our relationship but have never made firm plans for marriage. We don't live together, never have. He used to tell me he loved me but hasn't said it for years now.

I think I know deep down that his heart isn't in this and that he probably doesn't love me.

I've had MH issues - anxiety and depression - and have recently been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and endometriosis. I have a daughter who is almost 18 and I work 35 hours a week.

We've had issues with sex. He was a virgin when we met. He holds my hand if we're out but other than that, he's not affectionate. He doesn't put me first, he goes on holiday without me. He doesn't just hug me, if he does he gropes my bum/boobs. I will fully admit I haven't wanted to have sex with him for the last year or so, but this is because I don't feel loved, cared for or anything like that. When I say no he behaves like a child and I often end up doing it anyway.

He tells me that he's engaged in sexual acts with a stranger, he wants to see me have sex with someone else. He wants me to perform sexual acts on another man while he watches. I don't want to do this. He talks about all the time. It's got to the point that I dread being alone with him.

He uses the fact that I've slept with other people against me. He knew I wasn't a bloody virgin when we met - I had a child. I can't change what I did before I met him.

I'm not perfect. I went on a couple of dates when we had 'split up' briefly. I only did it to get some kind of reaction from him, to get him to show some kind of emotion, I wanted him to tell me he didn't want me to see anyone else. He didn't. This is now used against me to. He says that I've dated other guys so he should now date other women.

He doesn't have me or anyone I know on FB. He has his mate and his mates family and a couple of Radom women on there though. Says he doesn't use FB but his relationship status has changed to single. I was talking to him tonight on the phone and heard his FB messenger ping. I asked who it was and he got angry, said I was pissing him off. Of course, he said it was a male friend. Who knows.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I don't have many friends and I guess I just want someone else's perspective.

OP, this man is awful. You're so involved and after 16 years, that's understandable, but listen to what he's telling you. He's cheated - been dogging! He's treating you awfully - you've never lived together, he hasn't told you he loves you for years, and he clearly can't commit to you. Getting married wouldn't solve anything - staying together will only make you more miserable and depressed and anxious. There has to be a correlation between your current situation and your mental health.

You have a daughter - how would you feel if someone treated her this way?

From an outside perspective, this man is a horrible, cruel, awful person. Your defence of him is based on shared experience - once you're out of this mess, you'll honestly struggle to understand why you stayed so long.

You need to build yourself up and get away from him before you lose the last bit of self-respect you have.

You. Deserve. Better. Get. Out. While. You. Can.

Wise up OP, he is not a nice person, he is basically using you for sex and nothing else and is no doubt pursuing sex with other women.

he actually sounds like he hates you, I have no idea why you even class this as a relationship, it's nothing like it; it sounds like you are dependant on him like an hold habit, time to break it and live a nice happy life with a man that respects you, he aint going to change now OP.

Get sti checked as soon as op, and you might be surprised how your depression and anxiety might start getting better if you cut him out of your life .

Doesn't sound as though the relationship is any good for either of you TBH, surely its time to move on.

And this leapt out at me too

'he behaves like a child and I often end up doing it anyway.' - nice big dollop of coercion there too. Please get rid of this man yesterday. He is an abusive cheating vile porn addicted arse who has not one jot of respect for you or any woman in general. STI check needed too. And please get yourself some counselling to work out why the hell you have tolerated this excuse of a human being for all this time. And Freedom Programme too.