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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I know I'm being unreasonable

36 replies

ihaveacampervan · 02/05/2017 18:55

A good friend of mine is getting married next year. She's chosen her bridesmaids as I've seen it all over facebook and Instagram. Over the weekend I saw my friend and she told me shes chosen 6 bridesmaids: her 2 sisters, 2 girls who are couple friends and 2 other close friends. The only issue and I know iabu is that me and this girl are really good friends with another girl it's like the 3 of us. She's asked the other girl in our 3 and not me fair enough it's her wedding and I would never dream of saying anything but it just makes me feel like the periphery friend and I realise I've always been that person.

OP posts:

Original poster

ihaveacampervan · 02/05/2017 19:22

Someone slap me

OP posts:

Ellisandra · 02/05/2017 19:27

Ah, screw her! Tell me about your camper instead. I have a converted T5 - are you new style too, or classic?

Of course she can choose who she wants, but let's face it - we all know 6 is OTT

Kittencatkins123 · 02/05/2017 19:35

I've never been a bridesmaid - and I've never let it make me think I'm a lesser friend. Quite a lot of my friends didn't bother having bridesmaids - it doesn't mean anything wrt your friendship. Plus being a bridesmaid isn't all that - you have to do stuff eg hen party hassle, looking after people on the day. You'll probably have way more fun so focus on that, and the awesome (non identical) dress you're going to wear.

springydaffs · 02/05/2017 19:43

Well, with all that, it's still a bit of a slap in the face. Desperately tactless for starters!

Ah, bridezillas. Did she not for one moment think how that would come across to you??

Dust yourself down. I suspect this is the death knell for that friendship /3some as far as you're concerned. Who'd want such a tactless friend anyway.

Make some friends who deserve and value you. They're out there xx

Original poster

ihaveacampervan · 02/05/2017 20:40

I've given up on friends near enough. Anyone else with me?

OP posts:

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 07:23

Well, we need friends. So I keep going...

Not that I don't pull back to lick my wounds sometimes! I hold friendships much more lightly these days - because there's no contract with friendships, no obligation, so people can seriously take the piss. If that's their thing. I'd not be interested in someone like that, not long term anyway - I might hang around bcs they're good fun but I'd know that when it came down to it they're a duff friend so not to hold out any hope. I suppose I recognise the signs much earlier these days, the 'friendship red flags'.

That said, you can get shocks in friendships, just like in romantic relationships. This might be one of those ie you didn't see it coming. It's pretty shitty of you ask me

AlcoholAndIrony · 03/05/2017 07:40

Och, you don't want to bridesmaid anyway. The brides end up moaning that they're not as interested as they should be and it means you need to pose for photos.
......ok not really a help. But it is a bit naff being left out.

ShatnersWig · 03/05/2017 07:50

If this was a bloke posting, someone would have been on by now berating you for using the word "girl" rather than "woman"

I'd think of it as a lucky escape, OP. Being a bridesmaid can be an absolute nightmare. I do think, in some respects, brides can't win - there will almost always be someone who feels left out because they weren't picked for the "honour". Men seem not to mind not being asked to be a best man or an usher though. Once upon a time, a bride had one or at most two bridesmaids. These days more and more seem to be having four, five, six like it's some competition.

Bluntness100 · 03/05/2017 07:51

Honestly. Being a bridesmaid involves quite a bit of commitment, I've been a bridesmaid three bloody times. Go and enjoy the wedding and consider yourself having a lucky escape. You're still friends, bridesmaid or not.

reluctantlondoner · 03/05/2017 08:03

Please don't fall out with her over this if she's otherwise a good friend. Being a bridesmaid is a nightmare - this is a massive result for you! Also people choose bridesmaids based on other reasons in addition to or even other than being a close friend. Some of those reasons can include - duty (family), obligation (was she a bridesmaid for them?), availability (will they be able to go to all the dress fitting appointments, hen do etc.), perceived organisational skills (can they do a decent job of organising the hen do?). Perhaps you have kids so are less available, live further away, or perhaps your job takes you away a lot, or are you scatty and fun-loving but possibly not that organised? The wedding is just one day. However, if you let your disappointment and upset affect your behaviour towards your friend then you will lose her as a friend because she will be hurt that you weren't supportive during one of the most important times of her life. I am sure there are plenty of her good friends going to the wedding who aren't bridesmaids! Six is a lot by traditional standards but I assume they're having a lot more wedding guests! Forget about being a bridesmaid - be glad you aren't caught up in all that self-obsessed bride-worshipping drama and can just turn up and enjoy the day! You're also not obligated to spend multiple weekends in the run up to the wedding attending to wedding duties. Result!

TheNaze73 · 03/05/2017 08:07

Tough decision for the bride. Respect it & move on.

Only1scoop · 03/05/2017 08:07

6 bridesmaids
How tacky
Just be relieved that you can go and do your own thing and wear whatever you like

Gah81 · 03/05/2017 08:09

Bridesmaids get chosen for all kinds of reasons - not necessarily because they are a good friend but because hey stay calm, have no ego, are good at organising etc.

I have been a bridesmaid 7 times. It may hurt now but remind yourself that: you get to wear what you want, you get to enjoy and not organise the hen party, you don't have to see the bride at her bridezilla worst in a way that leaves you seriously questioning the value of the friendship, you can relax and enjoy the day instead of being her bloody handmaiden.

I have had a few nice brides tbf but I am refusing to be a bridesmaid in the future.

Skp87 · 03/05/2017 08:13

I'd feel left out too. But as others have said - lucky escape!
I a,so feel like giving up on friendships sometimes. People can be crap.

rizlett · 03/05/2017 08:18

I'm with you ihave - given up with friends.

Orangebird69 · 03/05/2017 08:19

Honestly, why does anyone over the age of 8 want to be a bridesmaid??

marthastew · 03/05/2017 08:20

It could mean that you get to properly enjoy the wedding!

user1491572121 · 03/05/2017 08:24

OP...are you more attractive than the bride to be? More attractive than the chosen friend?

Skp87 · 03/05/2017 08:27

Good point user...!

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 08:41

Hang on folks. They are a group of 3 close friends, bride has chosen one to be bridesmaid and not op. That's pretty shitty.

No amount of you've had a lucky escape /I've been a bridesmaid eleventy times (not sure how that helps tbh..) blunts that.

Perhaps I'm the sort who prefers to grasp the nettle and not fudge it. Though there is mileage in that being a bridesmaid is can be a pita and you've had a lucky escape op xx

Garlicansapphire · 03/05/2017 08:45

Unless you're married - and thats the reason she didn't ask you - I think its natural you'd feel a bit left out and sidelined.

Still being a bridesmaid isn't that cool judging by the frightful frocks I was set up in - but I did enjoy the status I must admit.

Gah81 · 03/05/2017 09:07

I think, springy that the point of highlighting the number of times one has been a bridesmaid is to emphasise the "take it from one who knows" aspect.

Always find that thinking of the positives that arise from a situation you're unhappy with helps blunt something tbh.

HTH

Kittencatkins123 · 03/05/2017 09:25

springy OP suggested she was BU and that she needed a slap so I focused on not taking it the wrong way and looking for the positives.

I understand why OP is upset but I actually don't think focusing on this as a hideous friendship ending rejection is all that helpful.

I had a scenario where someone I considered a fairly good friend only invited me to her hen, not the wedding, and then had a special 'pre-hen' for the select few Now that made me feel shitty - but when I look back, I wish I'd spent less time feeling upset about it as it did me no good and made bugger all difference at the end of the day.

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 09:35

Spent less time feeling upset about it? How do you do that at the time? Afterwards, once you're through it and out the other side, you can see it maybe wasn't worth your upset - but you have to go through that to get there, surely. Or perhaps I've had too much therapy lol.

Yy to aspects that mitigate the original strike but a pause to acknowledge the strike - yes, it was shitty - and let it roll through. As these things do if you let them (and dont bank them up with platitudes). Respect emotional /mental health and all that.

Original poster

ihaveacampervan · 03/05/2017 09:46

To be honest they don't know this but I'm going to have a 8 month old baby by the time the wedding rolls round. I don't really want to spend my mat leave running after a bride lol I've got more important things to think.about.

OP posts:

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