Emotional abuse of daughter

[Littlemist]

What would you do? My grownup late 20's daughter has been in a relationship for 3 yrs. She hasn't been totally happy for a long time. Her partner regularly tells her that she is useless, takes home a crappy wage, job not worth doing etc. He has loads of money saved up during the years of living with his parents. He moved out of his parents home to live in my daughters rented home, and until then had not ever paid a bill and lived rent/bill/food etc free with his parents. Now he has began to check her mobile, looks through it and checks to see who she has rang /text spoken to during the day.

If they go on holiday, which he chooses and books, she has to pay her half share. If she hasn't got the money, he lends it to her and she has to pay him back weekly.

She once ate some of his cereal and he demanded that she buy him a new box to replace what she had eaten. He hides 'his' food so that she can't eat it.

New Year they had arranged to go and meet her brother and partner, plus son's friends in town. Daughters partner last minute decided he wasn't going and didn't want daughter to go. So they didn't, but a few hrs later, he decided that he wanted to meet his friends, and so he went. Daughter went to pick him up, he was drunk, sick all over the car and bathroom. Next day he spent in bed and blamed daughter for not being sociable and he just had to get p....d.

There is far more to say, but at the weekend she cut herself, crying and saying she feels as though she is in a fog and cant think straight.

I have now intervened and made an appt at Dr, as I fear for her mental health and that she may harm herself more seriously.

This is the first time I have ever interfered in relationships, but I feel that I have to.

What would you do?

I think as a mother - even of young adults - there are times it is absolutely right to interfere and show an alternative. This sounds like one such time. Good luck.

Can you move your daughter into your home for a while?

As somebody who has been in your daughter's situation I would say as much as you would be right to despise her boyfriend for treating her that way don't make it apparent to her or him. Keep her close and make sure she knows she is welcome home as soon as she is ready even if it is just for a break. It's good that you have booked her in to see a GP, the fact that she is open to going shows that she is very aware of how dysfunctional the relationship is.

She has shown she isn't in control of her mh.

Now it is your time to step in.

Help her gain the emotional strength to get rid of him.

I have adult dc and being a dm doesn't end when they hit 18.

It is actually harder. .

Has she ever self harmed previously?

Hi Aqua, I have said many times to come and stay, that there is always a bed here for her. i just wish she would, but she has said the dp would go mad. She is frightened of going back to her home after work though.

Hi Jayho, no she has never self harmed before, she rang me in tears to say she had. It frightened her v much that she had done it. I wanted to go to her but she insisted I didn't. Her dp told her to go ahead and commit suicide as he couldn't care less.

Your daughter’s relationship sounds very similar to one I was in during my late twenties and early thirties, right down to the demands I get into to debt with him, to go on a holiday of his choice. I also used to self-harm, and frequently called my mum crying and saying I couldn’t think straight. She was supportive, and made vague noises about us not being right for each other, but I think she felt that if she slagged him off, it might have driven a wedge between me and her. Looking back, I wish she had interfered more. I think once I was at the stage your daughter is at now (it took about 18 months for me) I would have listened. I wish someone – anyone – had explained to me that what I was experiencing was abuse, because I didn’t know at the time. I honestly think that if I’d been given a copy of Lundy Bancroft’s Why Does He Do That? (if your daughter hasn’t read this, she should), I would have taken those ideas on board. It took me six years to get out, and though I did eventually piece together what had happened by myself, I will never stop regretting the time I spent on him. I’m afraid I can’t put a positive spin on those years; they were entirely wasted. If you read the threads on here about emotional abuse, every woman says the same thing; they are haunted by the years they lost and wish they could get them back. You are right to interfere, and though she may not thank you for it now, I think she will eventually. I have been out of this relationship for two years. I’m with a lovely man now who makes me happy every day. My mum adores him and says I’m like a completely different person (and she’s right, I am). I think she’s sorry that she didn’t say something sooner, but I was an adult, and we all make mistakes. Something that doesn’t often get talked about, but I think is worth mentioning, is that emotional abuse has a very infantilising effect, a lot of the time. When you’re fighting every day just to maintain your autonomy, you aren’t able to grow and change as you would in a normal non-abusive relationship. In fact, you go backwards a lot of the time, because your abuser will treat you as a child, and you’ll start to believe him. So while you feel like you might be acting beyond your brief, as a mother of a twenty-something woman, it’s possible (probable?) she needs you more now than at any other point since her teens.

Can I ask what her relationship with her dad is like?

Pocketsaviour, her father and I are divorced. She hasn't spoken to her father for a few months. He is an alcoholic. I am now with a lovely man who she respects and they have a good relationship. She talks to him as if he was her father.

Bonjourbear, thank you for your reply. It was so awful to know how you suffered, but it matches my daughters life. You have given me insights as to how she may be feeling. I shall carry on and interfere/intervene/help/support. Congratulations on your new life.xx

ah, thank you. I couldn't read and run! I really feel for you too; it must be horrible for a mum, to see her child go through this. You sound very supportive though, and like you're doing all the right things. Abusers will often try and cut their partners off from family, because deep down, they know that family and friends are a source of strength (notice the way he stopped her seeing her brother at new year). It might not seem like it at the moment, but your love and support will be making a difference to her. And I know it must be enormously frustrating to watch, but the best thing you can do for her at the moment is just remain consistent, so that when he's messing with her head, and making her feel like up is down and black is white, she'll feel she can come back to you, and reset her internal compass. Best of luck xx

Little , has she self harmed before?k

Littlemist - I have worries about my DD. I am not 100% sure exactly what is going on but what I can say is that I get a fair bit of the brunt of her unhappiness. She also expects me to provide financially for her even though she declares herself to be an adult.
I wish I had the courage to do something like you have done (or more). It definitely seems to be a thing that men find women who have houses and latch on. I had one like that too but he didn't last long. I don't know what I or anyone can do for young women who allow themselves to be controlled like this but there really should be something. Your actions do you proud you are a good and loving mum and your DD is lucky to have you to speak for her. I hope other mums will have the courage to follow your lead including myself.
WELL DONE (hope that is not shouting)

Similarly I was in an abusive relationship for several years and my mum only ever made vague noncommittal noises when I would
phone her in tears or run away to her house. It was only afterwards that she said she had been so worried about what I was going through but was worried I would break contact with her if she criticised him. Now I have a situation where one of my sisters is in a similar situation and I often tell her the behaviour is not acceptable. She may well not like to hear this but I can't stand by and not say anything after my own experience. Sometimes it needs an outsider to say things in order for the person to find the courage to break away. With me it was my GP after my mental health broke down, but I don't think it would have gone on so long if other people had been more explicit about it earlier on.
I hope your daughter gets out of this situation quickly. She is very fortunate to have you on her side and you sound like a lovely mum. I often say to my little kids 'it's my job to keep you safe' and I don't think that changes when your children are older. You have her lifetime of trying to keep her safe and the instinct is still there regardless of her age. That might be a way of explaining it to her?

Thank you all for your encouraging words, but I am feeling for you all too. My partner and I have given her the chance of coming away with us for a week, where she can have time, space and a chance to be out of her situation so that perhaps she can realise what is happening to her.
I too am worried if I push too much, she will stop contact too. But, like you say, and I agree, it sometimes takes other people to be firm and take control of this sort of situation, before serious mental / physical harm is done. (Sometimes I fear she may take her life). I would rather her not speak to me than not be alive.

Thank you again

Shewhomustgowithoutname. Please try and find the courage, go for it. I didn't think I could and always said I would never interfere in my children's lives. But to see them cry, personality change and hurt, the maternal instincts kick in. Go for it and pm me if you would like to. We can be brave together for our beautiful girls x

Cauliflowercheese. Thank you for your words. Very helpful x

Littlemist - Thank you so much. I cant talk just now I am too upset. I will advise soon. Thanks for kind words

You did the right thing. She may be feeling overwhelmed so may need encouraging but not pushing. It sounds to me like that's exactly how you're going about it. She is very lucky to have a mom she can talk to.

I agree with Bonjour.. she needs to be your child again, not your adult child. Take baby steps, be firm, but don't push. Help her to see him for what he is. Her self esteem will be at rock bottom too so that will need building up. Any chance you can book a holiday away with her for a couple of weeks to see if she opens up more and to also give her a break from him? (Maybe somewhere that has no phone signal so he can't abuse her via text/calls)

OP I'm so sorry you and your DD are going through this.

What an abhorrent individual her "D"P is. This is terrible abuse.

I think the holiday idea is good and to get her to a GP. My initial reaction when reading your posts was such anger imagining my daughter in this situation, but the others are right, because of her delicate mental state, the gentle approach is the way forward as he has completely messed with her mind. She will need strong guidance to make the necessary decision.

God I hope she escapes him soon.

Take care of yourself throughout this as well.

Can you get her to stay with you, just for a few days/even one night as a visit? Just provide a calm, welcoming, loving atmosphere and that should stand as a contrast to the way things are in her home (which is unfortunately now her normal, you can try to reset that). If you are lucky, she might find the thought of going back so hard that she stays for a bit longer, and then a bit longer.... even if she does return she will have had the chance to remember what life is like when you're not living with an arsehole and it will give her valuable respite, thinking space and confidence boost and hopefully shorten the time it takes for her to leave him permanently.

And I do understand it's her house and in the long run if they broke up she should be the one to have it. But actively booting him out must feel impossible to her as things are, so it might be easier for her to break with him if she removes herself from the house temporarily.

Oh, and one of the best things my (very practical straight talking) friend said when I was in a shitty relationship was that I really should get the Mirena coil asap. I can't thank her enough for that advice now. I don't know if you have the sort of relationship where you can talk about this sort of thing ( I think it's harder in a mother daughter dynamic sometimes) but if you could gently push her in that direction it might be worth it.

Please intervene.

Towards the end, I only realised the relationship was bad when I was at work. A colleague saw us together and the way he spoke to me. He said 'You know that's not normal, right? You know that's not how men speak to women?' He said it so gently.

It started a chain of events after that.

But my own family, they all knew what he did, how he bahaved. Never once said anything. Not even when I taped an incident and played it. Nothing.

It took a stranger.

Please intervene. Wishing you all the strength. Your daughter is crying out for help x

I am improved in heart that so many people who have been in this bad place have agreed that someone speaking to them or to someone for them is a good thing.