Emotional abuse of daughter

[Littlemist]

What would you do? My grownup late 20's daughter has been in a relationship for 3 yrs. She hasn't been totally happy for a long time. Her partner regularly tells her that she is useless, takes home a crappy wage, job not worth doing etc. He has loads of money saved up during the years of living with his parents. He moved out of his parents home to live in my daughters rented home, and until then had not ever paid a bill and lived rent/bill/food etc free with his parents. Now he has began to check her mobile, looks through it and checks to see who she has rang /text spoken to during the day.

If they go on holiday, which he chooses and books, she has to pay her half share. If she hasn't got the money, he lends it to her and she has to pay him back weekly.

She once ate some of his cereal and he demanded that she buy him a new box to replace what she had eaten. He hides 'his' food so that she can't eat it.

New Year they had arranged to go and meet her brother and partner, plus son's friends in town. Daughters partner last minute decided he wasn't going and didn't want daughter to go. So they didn't, but a few hrs later, he decided that he wanted to meet his friends, and so he went. Daughter went to pick him up, he was drunk, sick all over the car and bathroom. Next day he spent in bed and blamed daughter for not being sociable and he just had to get p....d.

There is far more to say, but at the weekend she cut herself, crying and saying she feels as though she is in a fog and cant think straight.

I have now intervened and made an appt at Dr, as I fear for her mental health and that she may harm herself more seriously.

This is the first time I have ever interfered in relationships, but I feel that I have to.

What would you do?

He does speak to her as though she is a bit of dirt, and then once she has cried he then claims how much he loves her and needs her. Then she begins to think that he isn't so bad after all. She thinks that he will change and the 'nice' bit will continue. It doesn't, a week later, she is in the same state again.

My partner is so supportive and helpful, he isn't emotionally tied as such, and can guide me too. Calm me down !!!!

Ugh, the classic cycle of abuse.

What is he like towards you and your partner?

PollytheDolly - He is rude and ignorant. We don't see him hardly ever.

Could you get her to phone Womens Aid?
They could certainly help her see it for what it is.
Look up the 'Freedom Programme' see if there is a course in your area.
If she can attend that it will really help her!
Also ask them about DV support services in your area.

I'm sorry you are going through this.
My DD was in a slightly EA relationship.
Not like your DD but he was controlling.
I told her many times but it was her friends who got through to her in the end.
But she knew I was there and would never judge.

The ‘nice’ bits are not separate to the abuse; they are integral to its design, and will keep your daughter hooked in, and hopeful he’ll change. I don’t know if you’ve looked around much on here (sorry, am new and don’t know how to link to old threads) but there is one called ‘abuser profiles’ which is lifted straight from the Lundy Bancroft book. From what you’ve said, it sounds like your daughter could be with ‘demand man’; if so, it will be doubly confusing for her as he may allow her more freedom than the ‘conventional’ abuser. Your daughter may be thinking ‘well he lets me wear what I like, and he doesn’t set a curfew, and I’m allowed to have a job, and earn my own money, so he can’t possibly be abusive’. It’s helpful, to see your abuser’s tactics written down in black and white, and realise that there are names for his behaviour. I’ve been thinking about your post a lot, and the practical help you could offer. I think the idea of a holiday is a good one. Breathing space away from him will give her some perspective. And as someone said on here earlier, it will just give her the chance to see how nice and peaceful life can be without him. She’s already at an advantage, because she has a mum who can recognise and name abuse. But it never hurts to get more educated on the subject. If you haven’t already, have a look at the profiles on here, and then get the book. Even if she’s not ready to read it, you will find it very helpful (it’s not an exaggeration to say it changed my life). When you can identify and name abusive tactics, it robs them of a lot of their power.

OP: I have a good relationship with my mum. She heard a lot over the years about how my EX treated me, but I didn't share everything for fear of her not liking him if things did carry in working out. Only now, I have left I feel I am able to tell her more things. She is very supportive, listens without judgement and only ever told me on repeat "you deserve to be happy".

A few months ago i was worried for my own mental health, and she gently reminded me that she was worried, but stood by my side and gave a lot of love and reassurance. That unconditional love really helped me. You sound like you are a very loving caring mum, so just be there for her and let her talk it out. It might take her a while to leave, but with support she will be able too, just don't tell her its what she should do, let her come to that decision herself. Good luck

I second the Lundy book, I heard it mentioned here a few times and bought it recently. It makes a lot of sense. I also bought the book by Luncy "should I stay or go". I wish I had read it years ago to be honest. It has lots of reflective exercises in there and might help her clear the FOG.

Thank you every one. I have got the book for her. She was here today with me, and we were talking. I brought up the subject of MN and that I had asked for advice, help etc etc. She asked if she could read all the messages from you all. She did, with tears in her eyes.

I do hope it has planted a seed and she can begin to realise and think about the reality of the situation she is in. I personally think deep down she knows it is wrong, but has been 'head played' too much to think clearly that she deserves so much better.

Fingers crossed xxx

If you are reading this little little mist, then take the advice of the many women writing on this thread. Leave and don't look back. Imagine being with him when you are 70 or 80. Retired looking back on a lifetime of misery.

He won't change, he is telling you who he is. Those nice times are the fake him, the real him is the nasty miserable man. Don't think you will change him and definitely don't show him this thread in the hope it will convince him to change, he will just use it as a stick to beat you with.

I hope you leave soon, all the best.

Hi everyone, just to let you know that my daughter did come away with me and my partner. She is beginning to relax but still a bit jumpy, also waking up in the night with a panic.

I know it is early days but she has decided that enough is enough and is not going back to her emotional and physcological abusive life with her partner of 3 years.

I can see her smiling and laughing whilst she is out of the situation and miles away from him. She can now see the wood for the trees and fingers crossed, her life will now be a much better one.

Thankyou all for your honest opinions and much needed advice and support. xx

Good luck to her

This is the thread
www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2268977-The-Abuser-Profiles

Give her lots of hugs and a warm bed
And hope to goodness she doesn't want to go back
Fingers crossed but you are right to get involved. She won't know what she feels but if she is settled with you and getting those hugs hopefully it will keep her safe
Please let us know that she is ok

Fab news OP

Thank you for your update. If your DD ever wavers, tell her she can come on MN and ask anything she wants. There are (sadly) a great many of us who have experienced emotional and physical abuse in a relationship.

Tell her she is worth so much more, and there are many men out there who aren't like this.

If he decides to be 'good' and promises to change, please encourage her to think of the bad times (there will be many). Above all, stay strong and united.

Wishing you and your DD lots of strength. There's a much better life out there for her x

That's great news OP.

Wishing your daughter much happiness and peace in her new life xx

great news, OP

please tell your DD that if she ever wants to come on here and PM me, she'd be very welcome to. sometimes it helps to talk things over with a person completely unconnected to your life

best of luck

xx