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Original poster

How do you think your relationship would fare if you got really ill?

28 replies

EenieMeenieMinieMo · 02/05/2017 15:35

I'm in a so-far very successful marriage (17 years), with kids. He's my best friend, we still fancy each other blah blah. I'm very lucky.

But as we get older, I wonder... what will happen if I ever get really ill?DH is very impatient with illness. I have about 48 hours to get better when I get unwell, before his patience runs out and he gets grumpy and snappy with having to look after me. The one thing I worry about (much) in terms of the future of our relationship is what happens if (as becomes more likely now we're middle aged) I get really ill. Anyone else in the same boat with this concern?

OP posts:
Launderetta · 02/05/2017 15:44

Hi Mo,
We were in a very similar situation to you. Then I got very ill - chronic stuff with big physical impact, nothing much will improve, no one's fault.
No point lying: it was life changing, devastating. But tbh we're both pretty chuffed that I'm still alive & not bed-bound!
We simply adapted. We love each other, still fancy each other, we just adapt & carry on but from a different start point.
Fyi DH is domestically incompetent & probably will never change!
In your case, I honestly wouldn't worry unless it happens.

NurseButtercup · 02/05/2017 15:49

DH is very impatient with illness. I have about 48 hours to get better when I get unwell, before his patience runs out and he gets grumpy and snappy with having to look after me

Reading this makes me feel a combination of sad and angry. What happened to the "in sickness and health" part of you wedding vows?

One of my closest friends developed breast cancer and had a mastectomy. Her husband of 5 years couldn't cope with her going through chemotherapy and how ill she became and her only having one breast. He left her and they're now divorced.

MatildaTheCat · 02/05/2017 15:55

I suffered a serious and permanent injury after 22 years of marriage. DH has been pretty fantastic about taking over a lot of the physical stuff like cooking and heavy shopping.

Three things have helped: firstly, being able to pay for help with things like cleaning and gardening. Secondly, I have brilliant friends who have done all the emotional stuff with me ( dh not good at this), finally, his day to day life hasn't changed all that much. He still works, goes to the gym and does his weekend hobby.

Also our DC were grown up so he didn't have to take over childcare. It does absolutely suck and we both dislike our situation but he's stepped up brilliantly.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 02/05/2017 16:00

My DH used to get bad tempered and impatient when I was ill. I worked out what caused it. I have plenty of family. He didn't. And he wasn't confident about some things. As far as he was concerned I was the pole that held up our family tent, so if I collapsed disaster loomed. I tackled him on it in a humorous way, he sheepishly agreed that I was right, and he pretty much stopped doing it. If he tried it, I'd tease him until he stopped.

On a more serious note, my husband did become very seriously ill, and finally died. It took a year, and it was one of the best years of our marriage. When someone is that ill, all the trivial stuff disappears. All that remains is love. We were together 17 years, married for 15 of them. It was a long time ago now, but I still feel lucky to have had him, and that amazing year.

CMOTDibbler · 02/05/2017 16:04

I acquired a disability 13 years into our marriage. DH has been amazing in dealing with the fall out from that.

My dad was like your DH - never one to be a carer at all. But when mum developed dementia, he has really stepped up to be her carer and vastly exceeded my expectations. Many people would have put her in a home years ago, especially combined with his terrible health, but he's determined not to. And though she doesn't know who he is, his love for her really shines through.

Adora10 · 02/05/2017 16:05

That is so sad; grumpy and impatient, he sounds utterly horrible.

My partner I know for a fact will take care of me no problem because he is kind by nature but also because he loves me and I do him; I couldn't be with anyone that I thought felt that way about me, a hindrance for being ill, this place gets worse every day.

Blinkyblink · 02/05/2017 16:07

One of the reasons I'm divorcing my husband.

Me being ill was an irritant. Absolutely no sympathy or tenderness whatsoever.

Whereas when someone in my family I'll, I want to march them to bed and mollycoddle them.

Chasingsquirrels · 02/05/2017 16:11

I wondered about this a few months ago while DH was dying of cancer and I'd just taken an indefinite leave of absence from work to care for him - what he would have done if the situation had been reversed.

He'd have been fantastic in the looking after me, but not sure how he'd have approached the work aspect.

I'll never know.

Fifthattemptatusername · 02/05/2017 16:23

My dp is totally unsympathetic when I'm ill with stomach bugs, coughs, cold etc and when we first got together had said if he was ever disabled or terminally ill he would not want me to stick around. Then I was diagnosed with a brain tumour... he was amazing. He was there holding my hand through it all. After major surgery and a year of rehab where I basically had to learn to walk again he was there - calm and kind. I am now back to work. I still have niggly after effects that will be with me always and if I get sick with a cough cold etc I get no sympathy. However I know if I need him he's there's for me.

LightYears · 02/05/2017 16:24

How does he carry on when he's ill?

Original poster
EenieMeenieMinieMo · 02/05/2017 16:26

Launder, CMOT and Matilda: I'm very sorry you've had to face what to have, and am very pleased to hear your respective DHs have basically stepped up to the mark.

Chasing and Prawn, I'm so very sorry about your respective DHs. It must feel impossibly sad sometimes.

Thank you everyone for sharing their thoughts on this one.

OP posts:
Original poster
EenieMeenieMinieMo · 02/05/2017 16:27

fifth, that sounds so hard, and I'm so pleased to hear how great your DH was. I guess you really never know...

OP posts:
Original poster
EenieMeenieMinieMo · 02/05/2017 16:29

Light, to be fair, he's very impatient with himself too. He's tried to go to work and to play football with a temp of 40 in the past...

OP posts:
Olddear · 02/05/2017 16:29

My husband would step up to plate, as I would for him. I hope it never comes to that, but he would pull out all the stops for me.

LightYears · 02/05/2017 16:38

I'd tell him that it's making you really anxious and worried that he won't be there for you when you'll most need him, see what his reaction is. Then I'd judge him on that.

LightYears · 02/05/2017 16:42

Maybe he's worried about you both getting older and illness maybe effecting either of you. Sounds like he was in denial when he was ill, pretending it wasn't happening. Maybe if you both have a good talk about it, both of you could be more at ease with what the future might hold.

raspberrysuicide · 02/05/2017 16:44

I became disabled and my dh of 14 years treated me so badly I decided I'd be better off on my own.

PolynesianGirl · 02/05/2017 16:49

Hmm in two minds about it. I have a chronic illness and TBH DH didn't give me any support until I finally got a diagnosis and even though I had been unwell for a very long time before that.
He still gets things wrong though, as in wants to help but has no awareness of what is and isn't an issue for me (and will a rogue he is right until we do xxx and it's clearly too much for me)

It taught me that if I get another illness and I can get a diagnosis, he will step up again but will likely struggle 'to get it right' even when everything is spelt out for him.
If I am just 'unwell', he won't get it at all....

I'm quite weary of growing old and I'm not planning to have real proper support from him.

PolynesianGirl · 02/05/2017 16:52

Btw it has nothing to do with him unkind etc... he genuinely doesn't get what is and isn't too much for me. He can't get his head around the idea that I can't do xxx if he can etc....

GerardWay · 02/05/2017 16:55

I've been very ill for the last 6 months or so. Been married over 20 years. My DH is a workaholic & impatient. But he's been a star. I won't say he's found it easy but he's even been willing to give up our business to look after me. He loves me & was terrified I wouldn't be here much longer.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 02/05/2017 16:59

I would probably die. I had pneumonia a few years ago and was fairly out of it with a high temperature for a few days. He was just bringing me glasses of water and waiting for me to recover. Fortunately my Mum called around because she had been phoning me and H had been answering my phone and telling her I would call her back when I woke up and she got worried. She insisted that I saw a doctor. The next serious illness that I get after Mum dies will probably be my last as H thinks that illness is entirely avoidable by strong willpower, so succumbing to illness is just a character flaw.

candlelit35 · 02/05/2017 17:29

2 years of mental health problems with DH had strained the marriage, undoubtedly. We're in individual counselling trying to unpack it all. I think I did my best but there were times where looking after him, children, house and my career was so overwhelming that I was unreasonably angry with him / at him. We're recovering though.

I think he'd be an excellent career were I to need physical care in the future, not so sure how he'd cope if it was a mental health issue or a mental state deteriorating disease such as dementia.

Every day really is something to behold and be thankful of.

Welshmaenad · 02/05/2017 18:15

Same as Blinky, when I became ill a few years ago my then DH was unsympathetic and testy. It was all about how inconvenient it was for him and how I couldn't do the things he enjoyed any more.

I left him 18 months ago and have just filed for divorce siting the above as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Sad, maybe, but I feel so much happier in myself now I am not in a relationship with someone who wants me to feel guilty for being unwell.

Islacornx · 02/05/2017 18:30

My parents are currently getting divorced after several decades of marriage, with the way my dad treated my mum since she's been unwell being the main reason. In her mid 40s she had a sudden viral infection attack her nervous system and became paralysed down one side of her body, which hugely impacted her face making it look as though she'd had a stroke almost. My dad was never a caring person and my mum says she will never forget how disgusted he looked when he first walked in and saw her face when she was in hospital. She had to learn to do everything again and still cannot eat or drink properly or close one of her eyes despite having had several reconstructive surgeries to help repair nerve damage and make her face more symmetrical, he didn't show an ounce of care for any of these surgeries. She had another operation on her face last year and decided to keep it from him and he's not even noticed Hmm
He's never been out of the house anywhere with my mum since she became paralysed because of the way she looks and has barely even spoken to her.

I'm not saying this would happen in every marriage however, as pp have shown! I understand that when someone gets badly ill it can change your whole life and your partners but I think if the love was 100% there in the first place then nothing should change and they should be there to care for their partner Sad

BarbarianMum · 02/05/2017 18:41

You know, you can seek medical help yourself American. Single people do it all the time. You don't need his permission.

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