Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is he even interested?

38 replies

user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 15:20

Bit of background here, fb friends with a guy I met via a work project, he moved jobs, countries etc and is presently working/studying in America.

he recently started chatting to me on fb one night with a few drinks on board and it went on from there. We were chatting about what we both wanted, I have left a long term relationship, he a relationship that was long term and very controlling etc etc, things progressed, some "adult" conversation etc etc, he is due home soon and we were chatting about meeting up etc. WE both said we wanted a casual type friendship etc etc although there was mutual attraction that we could have nearly a fwb type of thing all good although as things went on I knew I was developing feelings for him. I have noticed though that he never initiates contact with me although he will respond when I contact him. I also notice that he can sometimes be chatting online to me then disappear off.

i forced myself to go out on a date (which I told him about) and he was very enthusiastic about it etc etc. I made a point on saturday of cutting our conversation off when we were chatting but saying I needed to head out. I have not contacted him and of course he has not contacted me although I can see he has been online. This man is 10 years younger than me and I honestly feel so foolish even writing this. He isnt interested is he?

OP posts:
Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 02/05/2017 15:26

Maybe he was until you informed him of your date. . .
He joined in your enthusiasm about the date to save face. .
Then he left you to it. .

Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 15:32

I would love to think that Just but it doesnt ring true. if he was interested why doesnt he contact me ever? he told me himself that he was afraid of dating or getting into a relationship as he just couldnt be close to someone again.

I wouldso love it if he was interested though

OP posts:
rizlett · 02/05/2017 15:35

so you forced yourself to go out on a date to 'test' him to see if he was interested?

just ask him.

NotHotDogMum · 02/05/2017 15:36

He doesn't sound interested, but is up for chatting online, I don't think this is what you want, however. Sorry.

Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 15:37

no, i forced myself to go out on a date to try and shock myself out of the feelings I had for him. To put some perspective on things.

Im making a fool of myself I think.

OP posts:
MaverickSnoopy · 02/05/2017 15:38

What you are describing sounds just like what I went through with someone about a decade ago. Of course whose to say it's the same but in my case I developed feelings and wanted more, he displayed the same signs as the guy you're in contact with, but I couldn't read them. In the end it spelled disaster. We tried to be friends and fwb at the same time. It just didn't work.

I think it seems like he probably just wants fwb, especially if he has never instigated conversation. If someone is interested they generally put some effort in.

User16357472 · 02/05/2017 15:39

Does he know the reason you went on that date? Honesty is the best policy in these situations! There is nothing worse than your mind doing overtime when it can be stopped by a simple message asking. What's the worst that can happen. Smile

RalphMalph · 02/05/2017 15:46

I have been in this position as the man. I can't vouch for him as it depends if he is a confident or shy type man.
I know some women mention dates to try and get a jealous give away reaction but it doesn't work. Mentioning a date will make him think you are putting him the friend zone and not interested. Putting a brave face on is it what I did, even though I was upset.
He may not make a first move as he may not really want to know how the date turned out. Or assumes you are now preoccupied.
As I said it depends on the man he is. If he is all cock sure then maybe he was after a quick shag. If he's a more quiet type see above.
10 year age gap is pretty irrelevant too nowadays believe me.

Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 15:49

Maverick what were the signs saying? - that he wasnt interested?
he doesnt know the reason I went on a date user and im loathe to tell him. I feel like im emotionally invested at present and he isnt. He has told me directly (and I him, as at the time it was true for me) that he isnt interested in a relationship, it frightens him and he cant go there. He wants me as a friend and is attracted to me etc but nothing else. This was said between us over the weeks only now Im checking my phone every 2 seconds and am so upset when I see him online messaging but not contacting me. I agree maverick - I put the effort in as im interested - he doesnt so what is that saying?
Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 15:51

ralph he asked me how the date went and I told him great but that I wouldnt be pursuing anything further as I dont want a relationship with that man and wouldnt mess him around.

my gut tells me that he isnt interested in me that way and is keeping me at a distance. he is very defensive also if I ask him how he is or say he seems down etc. I feel like an old fool who cant take a hint [embarrassed] and Sad

OP posts:
JK1773 · 02/05/2017 16:05

I had a similar thing to this and a very close friendship online with a distant friend. We both initiated contact mainly. He started visiting me for an hour or so about once a week as we lived quite close. Nothing ever happened and we never discussed it. I'd always get 'good morning' and 'goodnight' every day for about 6 months. When I bit the bullet (after a few drinks) he came round straight away. This was midnight. He told me then he had a GF!!!! He'd been stringing me along the whole time. I was very down after that! Cut off contact. What a twat! Be careful with your feelings

NurseButtercup · 02/05/2017 16:06

We women are terrible at over analysing situations, I'm trying my best not to do this anymore to save my sanity.

If you can, try and focus on his words and actions you said WE both said we wanted a casual type friendship

Based upon what you've shared with us, his actions appear to be reflecting a casual type friendship.

You've developed feelings, so you no longer want a casual type friendship. So the question is, do you be brave and tell him how you feel? Or stay quiet and wait and see what happens?

I think - you should try and be brave and tell him. Good luck if you decide to go ahead and tell him Flowers

Gingerbreadmam · 02/05/2017 16:11

i'm sorry but i dont think he is interested and from the sounds of it was quite clear he wanted a fwb.

in my experience the 'friend' bit doesnt count you just see each other / hear from each other when either of you fancy the 'benefit'.

You will meet someone who feels the same way back.

Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 16:12

i honestly havent the nerve to put myself out there. I come across as so confident, very much so to him. I listen when he is worried etc or trying to express himself if he is down but I told him I promised I wasnt interested in anything with him other than friendship and I feel I have said it so often that I cant now change my mind about it. He has said he likes me, finds me physically attractive - quite directly if you know what I mean - but then radio silence.

OP posts:
Adora10 · 02/05/2017 16:19

Trust your gut, he doesn't sound interested in anything other than chatting online.

Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 16:24

yes Dora i agree. and even then only if I contact him first. He is contacting someone though, its clear as day. If he is on messenger on and off non stop really yet I dont get a message then someone else definitely is!

what do I do or say when/if he does get around to messaging me?

OP posts:
LellyMcKelly · 02/05/2017 16:27

Nope, not interested. Probably still has the girlfriend, or a new one. Cut your losses.

Original poster
user1491812680 · 02/05/2017 16:30

This is so difficult. I cannot believe I am behaving like a love struck teenager over a guy whom I told I wanted nothing more than a hassle free "friendship".

OP posts:
Snailfoot · 03/05/2017 03:07

I don't know if someone always being on messenger means they are contacting other women though? Some people check their Facebook an awful lot, and use messenger instead of any other form of contact?

Or am I wrong? Maybe!

Snailfoot · 03/05/2017 03:11

Also I have been in situations with lots of online contact and it sounds daft but I kinda kept a log of who contacted who for about a week, who ended the conversation and how many questions were asked by each side to keep the chat flowing. It really helped to show me one person wasn't keen at all, but a later person was. In the first instance realising that meant being able to backtrack with dignity

LadyB49 · 03/05/2017 03:18

Sometimes folk are logged on but away doing other things.
However, I think he's casual, even less than casual, he never instigated a call ever.
Time to move on .

TheNaze73 · 03/05/2017 07:10

He's interested in FWB but, no more than that.
Sounds like he's lit the fires with 10-12 women & is sitting back now & is seeing who's keenest

ptumbi · 03/05/2017 07:19

Sorry, OP, but youve 'developed feelings' for a man who lives the other side of the world and who is in a relationship, and you have 'chatted' to online?

Honestly, with respect, get over yourself. You have, at best, a crush; at worst a clingy desperation. Save your 'feelings' for someone real, who deserves it.

PinkHotel · 03/05/2017 07:21

I agree. You had already discussed the terms of your 'relationship' with each other (i.e. casual friendship).

The fact that he doesn't initiate contact is a big tell as far as I can see.

I'd forget it if I were you.

BarryKwipkee · 03/05/2017 08:28

Be v v careful.

I had, not a relationship (because he kept calling us friends) with a man who observed none of the boundaries between friendship and relationship because he had told me we were friends.

I just couldnt process it tho because i wanted him so badly and the dynamic felt so right, to me (but obviously something wasnt right for him) i just wasnt processing the information correctly.

He also used to tell me that he hoped id find a more meaningful relationship.....

I had a moment of lucidity when he was upset because a woman he' d been chatting to online politely and clearly said to him that she hadnt spotted that and for her it was all about a relationship, not necessarily a serious one right away as she had a lot going on, but a relationship.

Well! He had the rug ripped from under him at last. He labelled her ''sad' for being so obsessed with a relationship that she shut down their conversation.

It was the moment of clarity. I saw that he had utmost respect for his own agenda and none for hers. Hers was 'sad'. I respected that woman for her higher boundaries and i learnt from her.

I hope you will get turned off by this guy. Cos a mature aware man enters in to a relationship/whatever its called knowing that feelings are at stake. A fuckboi or a mcbuddist will just use you. Either for sex or for a stopgap relationship. My own mcBuddist used me for a relationship. He basically had a gf there to listen, support, laugh with.... but he owed her nothing and she knew it.
so glad i bailed first.

Swipe left for the next trending thread