is he even interested?

[user1491812680]

Bit of background here, fb friends with a guy I met via a work project, he moved jobs, countries etc and is presently working/studying in America.

he recently started chatting to me on fb one night with a few drinks on board and it went on from there. We were chatting about what we both wanted, I have left a long term relationship, he a relationship that was long term and very controlling etc etc, things progressed, some "adult" conversation etc etc, he is due home soon and we were chatting about meeting up etc. WE both said we wanted a casual type friendship etc etc although there was mutual attraction that we could have nearly a fwb type of thing all good although as things went on I knew I was developing feelings for him. I have noticed though that he never initiates contact with me although he will respond when I contact him. I also notice that he can sometimes be chatting online to me then disappear off.

i forced myself to go out on a date (which I told him about) and he was very enthusiastic about it etc etc. I made a point on saturday of cutting our conversation off when we were chatting but saying I needed to head out. I have not contacted him and of course he has not contacted me although I can see he has been online. This man is 10 years younger than me and I honestly feel so foolish even writing this. He isnt interested is he?

For me the signs were lots of chatting online which always gave me way too much hope. Talking about fwb and not wanting more but he always said things that made me think he did want more, like at valentines wining and dining, buying me presents and giving me a very soppy card. Saying all the right things that made me think he wanted more. Showing an interest in everything. On the flip side he was very evasive. We would be mid conversation online and then disappear off but would be visibly online (turns out there were several others he was chatting to). He became quite distant and less enthusiastic and I was the one initiating contact. At one point he said he wanted us to be together but then I think he must have suffered amnesia because he denied ever saying it. I started seeing other people in the hope that it would distract me and make him jealous. He was only ever enthusiastic about it and ironically concerned at how well the would treat me. One say he told me he needed space and we didn't speak for weeks until he announced via Facebook that he was in a relationship.

If I could go back and speak to my former self I would tell myself to have some self respect and not to fall for the positives when the negatives were so overwhelming. Long term it caused me a lot of emotional damage and trust issues. Even now (happily married with kids) I don't let myself think about it because it was such a bad experience. Ironically he contacted me a couple of years ago to apologise. I ignored it completely.

If you have feelings for him then tell him. Apart from when you worked with him you only really know the version of himself that he is showing you online.

Apologies for typos - on iPad with wriggly child on lap!

'McBuddhist' is fantastic, not heard it before and it's a perfect description of a particularly wanky ex

OP, your entire internal monologue is about the fact that you don't know what he thinks about you. Do you want a life of second guessing, or do you never want to have to ask the question 'is he really into me'? Because there is a man somewhere out there who will not want to leave you in any doubt.

Some people genuinely prefer the former or don't want committed relationships. But if you want the latter, I'd say this is not your guy. I'd also go with the old Mumsnet adage: when a man tells you he doesn't want a relationship, believe him and stop wasting your time.

Do you even want FWB arrangements? If not, why even think about settling for it?

Whichever it is, make it about what YOU want, not an obsessive grind about whether he wants you.

What's a "McBuddhist"?

Oh you know, he reprimands you peacefully for becoming attached to him while suggesting tantric shit such a looking in to each other's eyes while having sex. Intellectual Hipster fuckboi who doesnt want to put a label on it and he has enough buddism to back up his lack of inclination to commit.

I would say he has been honest about wanting a casual thing wth you (hence his subsequent casual behaviour) whereas you have not. You are looking for signs and talking about your date etc to try and evoke a bigger response, and now it's not working you are stressing over it and putting it on him rather than examining your own behaviour.

You either tell him you are more keen on him then you originally indicated or try and get your feelings back under control.

Coming from a bloke, he isn't interested in a relationship. It's clear to see. I can't understand why so many women struggle to see the most obvious signs.

We struggle user because flaky men who can't communicate and don't have the decency to just have an upfront and honest conversation. (I say men, I'm sure there are similar women out there too)

OP, I've just had a recent fwb situation which was quite similar. Shy guy, self admittedly a bad communicator, not good at expressing himself. It was exhausting, the mixed signals, the excuses why he couldn't see me. In hindsight I was chasing him like a mad woman, excusing his shitty behaviour because "well he won't instigate, he has a fear of rejection" "he's shy and doesn't want to put himself out there" - he would always eventually reply to my messages, so that must be something right? Wrong!! He loved the attention, I was an ego stroke to him and seeing me was at the bottom of his list of 2 dos. But if he threw the odd bread crumb, or fake interest he knew I would still be there to stroke that ego when he wasn't feeling so macho.

Cut your losses now and don't give any more headspace to it. If he wants to see you then he will find the motivation to drop you a hi.
I tend to find that any man I start over analysing, or talking about my friends too much in a "what does this mean?" way - is not good news. The good ones come easy, you message them and not worry about a reply as you know its coming. You can say it how it is without the added anxiety.

Hope you get what you want, with it being this man or someone who doesn't make you doubt.

Sorry, I'm with user.

So many women willing to tie themselves up in knots to explain a man's behaviour when the obvious, "he's just not that into you" is as clear as day.

I blame the narrative some women accept that men are clueless and hapless and don't know what they really want. Of course they do.

I can't see why grown ups can't just have honest adult conversations though? Perhaps it comes down to personal preference but if I'm not interested in someone I will give them the compliment/polite rejection/compliment sandwich. It never fails, its easy to accept and if a guy continues to pursue then you can be more firm.
The men I've experienced who have never out right said that their not interested, have given vague clues that they are, that always do respond to messages but don't instigate meetings..yeah sure with hindsight you can see that they clearly were not interested but when you're in that situation and you want to think they do like you, its very difficult to walk away. But maybe that's just me, I tend to be attracted to cold and emotionally unavailable men. I would much much rather someone just said "look I'm flattered but I'm not interested in pursuing this any further, I wish you well in the future".
Some men are scared to be straight, and quite frankly - what's the harm of having female attention. Its nice to feel wanted.

I think it gets confusing when someone likes you just enough - not enough to commit, but enough to not shut things down.

And if so being liked just enough isn't really good enough is it?

Thanks all for your various opinions. I have decided to cut my losses, i think any other way will only lead to pain for myself and its best to stop it now before it goes any further.

I've been thinking about you OP. Fwiw if you mean something to him he will come running and will mean it and prove himself.