Husband cheated ...it seems many times.... broken....

[brokenbird]

I am in total shock - classic text from OW - he fessed up to her and then ....others!! All just sex - no emotional attachment - it is all over and felt best not to tell so as not to hurt me. I guess OW put paid to that. No protected sex with any of them and for what it's worth they are all married with kids. To add to this DD (who adores her father) about to sit GCSE's so have not chucked him out for her sake - for now and tried not to scream and shout as this will impact on her exams and wellbeing. A mothers love huh? I am in limbo between now and end of GCSE's and I'm going mad. Admit we were not perfect but thought we were OK which is why I am stunned. He has sworn never again, he will change, apologised, going to GUM clinic, counsellor booked and will do anything to save marriage - if not has said I can have everything?! Other than infidelity (which is just sex he says) he has been good husband?! Said me finding out has been wake up call. Yet if OW had said nothing he wouldn't have told me so in a strange way glad she did - and it opened the door to confessions of adultery throughout our marriage - which weirdly he didn't need to tell - transpires I know one of the OW (always was a slapper but it takes 2 I guess). Another killer is that he says a few of my friends have had affairs (yes they have but it was not my life or frankly business and I stayed out after I made clear I didn't approve) and yet I have stayed friends with them so why take a different stance with him? Did my actions give him a green light? So much to think about yet - hurting badly - I can't think straight. Not sure I want to share with friends/family either as risk truth will out to DD. Am I making sense?

If he doesnt understand that this is a world of difference away from friends cheating then he is not someone you will ever get through to.

You know he has to go. Can he not say he has to go away for work to dd? At least til the exams are over?

He says that you've forgiven friends who have cheated. Were you married to these friends? Did you take vows? I assume not. He is an arse of the highest order. Whether you continued friendships is totally irrelevant and he is acting out of panic and seemingly trying to shift the blame onto you.

I find it unbelievable (literally) that he will now (that you have found out) stop sleeping around. Why not before? Why not after one or two? Because he was quite happy while he could get away with it. He will probably stop and then after time start again. I might not know him, but any man who can cheat with several people, will never change.

You have to put yourself first. It's admirable that you want to put your daughter first but your husband will use this time to try and talk you round, I think you know that. You could easily explain away a period of absence - helping a relative with something or going away with work etc.

Do you have someone you can talk to?

To cheat on you is one betrayal but to me the unprotected sex is worse!

To put your health and life at risk???

What a prick! Poor you OP, have you thought about talking to a counsellor on your own who specialises in these situations? My mum did and it really helped her to make a decision on what to do and then feel strong in that decision.
Good luck OP

So he's been unfaithful throughout your marriage.

Had unprotected sex and put you at risk of diseases. Not only from the OWs, but their husbands, because who knows if they've been faithful.

Got busted by the last OW and says he'll change

Felt the affair was over so need to tell you By that logic he'd have carried on and never told you about all the future ones either.

*He wasn't about to stop cheating..

He's a serial cheater

Your friends didn't take a vow of fidelity with you. TBH that statement of his would really piss me off.

He's basically led a double life you're entire marriage.

He had no regard for you and as a serial cheater, he's not husband material IMO.

One affair... You could work on with a remorseful spouse. Infidelity was his second job, so he became a master of deception and left you non the wiser.

He can tell your DD he needs to you travel with work and get out of the house.

It's just sex = he has no regard or respect for you and your marriage; he actually thinks it's A ok to go about having sex with various women, well because he can and because he thinks it's just sex.

Fair enough your daughter is an obstacle for now but I'd urge you to get rid of this absolute embarrassment of a partner, as well as a father, he has make a fool out of all of you and put your health at risk.

There is no coming back from this; if you believe he will change then you are mad; he won't.

I would get him out of my sight tbh, tell your daughter he's had to go working away.

Exams finish within 2 short months or 7 weeks and counting - if he leaves for that amount of time my daughter will go spare and guess there is something wrong. You are right however he is messing with my mind. I said our marriage is quite another thing to a friend having an affair - but somehow it ended up sounding like my double standards? Thanks for your support team MN - I am seeing a therapist next week - seems like a lifetime away but they are the best in the area so worth wait hopefully.

What breaks my heart is the destruction of my family - for flings - what the hell do I tell our girl - at 16 she is going to be so damaged and she doesn't deserve this?

So sorry to hear this - unbelievable what some people are capable of. And the comment about your friends having affairs is just ridiculous!

I would try and arrange for him to be out of the house as much as possible over the next couple of months. Obviously not enough to concern your DD.

Don't worry about how she will take it. My DCs were surprisingly ok with our split and even finding out about their Dad's cheating.

For now you should just concentrate on your own wellbeing and supporting your DD in her exams.

I think she will be fuming with him and upset for you, but suprisingly resilient. They see it so much at school these days.

What an absolute wanker to make you feel you have double standards. No. Just no. If he tries that on again tell him to go manipulate someone else cos you're done. FFS.
He should be begging for forgiveness not shifting blame or rationalising the unforgiveable. Please don't discuss it with him any more.

Since he's a master at deception I'm sure he can work out a way to be out late for work and not have dinner with you until exams are over, alternating with nights off for you while he spends time with DD? That worked in my case for about a month until school holidays. Then HE can tell her.

I know it's devastating but he won't change so time to look forwards, get counselling for yourself and ultimately meet domeone who deserved you. There is another life it just takes time and strength. Use your anger as everyone here told me. It works x

*someone who deserves you

He is only sorry because he got busted. You need to think of this as the main point in all of this. He has risked your life and is as cavalier about it as fuck. Make a whopping chuff chart and mark off the days to the end of DDs exams and that is FO day. Seriously he sounds incapable of even beginning to understand how he has fucked this up.

I'm so sorry that you've been let down like this. No you're not wrong in thinking and feeling the way you do and it's good that you've responded quickly to heal yourself by seeking counselling.

When the shock wears off and it will it's the extent of his lying that will mess with your head. You and your daughter deserve a better man than him.

Sending a big virtual hug and

Generally he was in the "begging for forgiveness" camp and then he threw in the swerve ball which made me think manipulation and ...help MNers. Or is he now grabbing at straws?

I have made very clear that were it not for exam time he would be out.

The thought of even dating again fills me with dread - who was it said that once in middle age we are the bottom of the feed tank? I got it so wrong this time when it mattered so much? Self respect and confidence destroyed. I feel ashamed and I know I shouldn't but why did it happen to me? Like I'm not good enough?

He is saying to wait until we have both been for therapy before I decide my next step.

I get that you can't tell him to FO yet but you must as soon as you can, otherwise you are giving him the green light to carry on abusing your trust because that is what he has done and god knows how many times; he sounds quite the player, luckily you've not caught anything but you must get an STI check now to ensure you are ok.

Tbh OP, being on your own for the rest of your life sounds preferable to be associated with this complete and utter slime ball.

He is a complete and utter tosser who needs to take 100% ownership of his actions. He has no redeeming qualities. You wouldn't need therapy if he had kept his dick in his pants instead of wagging it like a dog at anything with a pulse.

If you are contemplating therapy do it alone for yourself and bin this tosspot as soon as you can. Your daughter will adapt. If you keep him it will be a shell life which will do a lot more damage to your daughter.

Don't even worry about dating again at this point, just get through the next 7 weeks and get that shitbag out of your house! Yes, DD will be upset, but it's his fault, not yours. You can be a positive role model her for in the sense that she can see you are standing up for yourself. But sorry you are going through this.

GUILT - right now he is feeling the guilt.
He will NOT 'let you have everything'.
Sorry but we've all been there.
Heard it all.
As soon as they realise you are serious they start to back-pedal.
Just watch it happen.
Can you sleep in separate rooms and just live as separately as possible for now?
No washing, cooking, cleaning, ironing for him!!!
Get yourself to a GUM clinic quick sharp.
You want your own ALL CLEAR!
Then get to a solicitor and see where you would stand when you separate.
I totally understand why you can't boot him out right now.
Fake it 'til you make it for now!
Get your 'ducks in a row'

You have 7 weeks to get your house in order and decided what you want to do now.

Agree he will start minimising everything and backtracking

Oh I have booked my own therapist - no way do I want him there.
We are living very separate lives under the one roof. If his GUM check (please god) is ok do I need one still?
But yes I need to think about my plans - finances fill me with horror. I know he will have to have a cut of course as where will my daughter stay on access visits? I really don't want a fight about all that stuff - not strong enough at the moment anyway.

Yes, get your own STI check.
That's an absolute must!

It is all very frightening.
But you'll get through it.

He is a serial cheater and will cheat again 100%, that is who he is
To prevent that you will need to monitor him 24/7 and I am afraid even then he will find a way

I'm so sorry op.

But your daughter WON'T BE damaged, she's nearly a woman, yes it will be hard but as soon as her exams are over tell her. Don't keep pretending everything's OK , none of this is your fault!

You should say to him if it's just sex then he won't mind you doing then same dickhead

I couldn't forgive this. You'll forever be wondering who he's with and what he's doing everytime he went out. It would be torturous

I was in your position but with 2 DDs doing GCSEs! I got told he was having an affair around this time (by a friend who knew one of his work colleagues) but he denied it - he still denies it but he's now marrying her! He had already had one affair that I knew about but I've been told about others since. Others are right, it's very unlikely that a serial cheat will change so you do need to end it or accept that he will never be faithful. We didn't separate properly until after they got their results but the atmosphere in the house was awful and they guessed what was going on anyway. It may be worth contacting the school to ask for 'special consideration'. I was worried really worried about my girls but they coped really well with the divorce and got excellent grades in their exams too. I'm sure your DD will cope just fine too.