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Relationships

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Original poster

Whose surname should baby have?

43 replies

BeautifulLiar · 02/05/2017 06:53

I had four children with my ex husband. They all have the same surname. I also have this surname and don't plan on changing it unless I remarry.

Ex H was a violent, abusive, drug taking alcoholic who was never there for me and the DC and then left me out the blue when DC4 was less than 8 weeks old. Obviously I was heartbroken but over the past year I've really turned my life around and now I could shake his hand for leaving. I have no contact with him now. The DC occasionally see him.

I'm pregnant with my new partners baby. It's very early days but he's desperate for the baby to have his surname. I can see his point of view completely; he doesn't want his child having my ex husband's surname. I don't either, particularly, but nor do I want one child out of five to be the odd one out!

Opinions?

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 02/05/2017 06:54

Why not your surname?

neonrainbow · 02/05/2017 06:55

As your name is also your exhs name the baby should have new dps name.

Firenight · 02/05/2017 06:58

The baby should have your name really but you could always double-barrel. Then, if you marry your partner and change your name you will have a link there too. Indeed, nothing to stop you tweaking your name now.

Maroonie · 02/05/2017 07:01

obviously you don't want the baby to feel like the odd one out but in a way it will be- it's the one with a different dad.
There will be other differences- different grand parents etc and when your other DC see their dad I assume the new baby won't go.
the same name won't change any of that.
Would you consider double barrelling the babies name?

SoulAccount · 02/05/2017 07:05

Revert to your maiden name and keep it whatever happens marrriage wise. Give all your children the names of their respective parents, hyphenated.

So older kids ExName-YourName, new baby DPName-YourName.

Emboo19 · 02/05/2017 07:19

Hmm, I was always adamant I wouldn't have a different name to my dc and when I had my dd, I stuck to that. She has my surname and my boyfriend was ok with it at the time.
Now though he's feeling a bit put out (a few people have asked if she's his, and others have presumed she's baby A and he's had to say no she's B) and I'm now feeling a bit guilty.
We've no plans to marry (my choice!) and I'm now considering changing her name to be double barrelled (which I'm not really a fan of)

In your case I can understand even more why your partner wouldn't want your ex's surname, to others it would seem like the baby is also your ex's.

I'd maybe double barrel or go back to your madien name, only then you wouldn't have the same name as your other children.

Original poster

BeautifulLiar · 02/05/2017 07:25

Aagghh I didn't think of other people assuming baby is ex's. That's awful!

Definitely not maiden name. I don't want that connection to my parents, they have caused hell for me. And it's not a nice name anyway!

It's so difficult. I think I'm sure then I change my mind. Dp is fantastic and he'd be absolutely gutted if I used ex husband's name.

To those saying double barrel my name, do you mean now? Change it by deed poll? I'm not sure if I can deal with all the hassle while battling morning sickness :(

OP posts:

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 02/05/2017 07:36

I changed my surname to dh first name when we got engaged!!
Ds has that as his surname too.
My other dd have their df name as they didn't want to change it. Nc with him but they said it's who they are - not a connection to him.

Emboo19 · 02/05/2017 07:41

I honestly never considered people presuming my bf wasn't dd's dad, it seems to be so ingrained in people (professionals too, doctors etc) that a child has the fathers surname though. I think it's wrong, but it is upsetting for her dad.

I wouldn't change my name by deed poll if it's early days though.

In your case I'd probably double barrel baby's name with your current name then dp's and agree to ony use dp's for everyday. But you'd still have that link to yourself and your other children on the birth certificate.

SoulAccount · 02/05/2017 07:43

Emboo: your DP could change his name to yours...

Original poster

BeautifulLiar · 02/05/2017 08:01

That's quite a good idea Emboo. Are you "allowed" to give a baby an official name but use a different name in every day life?

OP posts:

Emboo19 · 02/05/2017 08:07

Yes op, I officially had my mums maiden name, but was always known by my dad's, except on official documents, passport, exams etc!

He could Soul and he says he would, it's a bit too close to being married for my liking though. And I love his surname and it suits him, couldn't think of him with my name or me with his either!

ChevalierTialys · 02/05/2017 08:13

I gave DS his daddy's surname because it was more important to him than it was to me. His older child had originally had his name but her mother changed it to the new boyfriends surname (by lying to deed poll about DPs involvement) and has refused to change it back ever since. The feeling of being cut out and replaced with the new guy cuts DP to the bone.

When DS turned 1 I changed mine to DPs name. We have no plans to marry but I want the same name as my son.

Somewhat tougher in your situation, with 4 other DC to think about. For what it's worth, I really don't think your DPs child should have your ex husbands surname.

Original poster

BeautifulLiar · 02/05/2017 08:25

That's pretty much what's he's just said Chev. In a much less polite way. Bloody hell :(

OP posts:

angieloumc · 02/05/2017 08:55

I have three DS's to my XH. I also have a DD, who has my surname (my married name) so same as her brothers. It just wasn't going to be any other way. Her father wasn't happy but that was just the way it was (we split up in the end but not because of the name).
I would do the same again if I had another (though at late 40's not going to happen)! Nobody ever wondered, at least to me, if DD belonged to XH.

debbs77 · 02/05/2017 09:00

I changed my name to new DP surname without being married. In the hospital the baby would've been referred to as 'Baby ex husband's surname' and that felt totally wrong

chloesmumtoo · 02/05/2017 09:30

Was much easier for me as ds had my name anyway(didnt marry so insisted on my maiden name), so when I later met dp and then had dd she took mine aswell as to keep dc's the same (dd had a middle name to relate to dp instead). I hated the thought of dd being different to me and ds at school so understand completely.
In your situation, its a tricky one and can totally understand your new partner not wanting your ex H name for his child. Personally out of the question. You dont really have much option in your situation, esp being that you dont want your old maiden name either.
Chev has mentioned the best idea, change your name to dp's and possibly double barrel yours with your married name too but give baby dps name only. You would still then link to both names- new dp and previous married name. Would the names work together? All children then relate to you too.

Emboo19 · 02/05/2017 09:31

It's definitely complicated op. I think your partner does need to understand that it's also yours and your other children's name as well as your ex's. Can see why that's difficult for him though.

I think you need to think long term too. I'm presuming your other children know they share their dads surname, what if they ask why new baby has their dads name but isn't his? How is your ex likely to react to the new baby having his name, not that I'd care for his benefit, but is he likely to say things to your other children about it?

I know you can't predict these things, but do you think if you split with dp, he will still be involved with your child?

What do you think will be easier to explain to your dc. That dc5 has a different dad so different surname or that dc5 has same surname which is dc's 1-4's dad's name also, but he's not dc5's dad, but you also have that name as you were married to their dad and not dc5's.

Apologies....I've confused even myself a bit there and don't mean any of it negatively. I just think if I were you I'd imagine the possible questions and answers for the different scenarios and see which feels most comfortable to answer.

BlueSunGreenMoon · 02/05/2017 09:36

I'd double barrel the baby's name - your surname-dp's surname.

Unless you are planning to revert to your unmarried name, then I'd double barrel it with that.

FrenchMartiniTime · 02/05/2017 09:38

I would be appauled if I was your partner and you gave our baby your ex husbands surname.

I would use your partners surname. Your children won't notice the difference, plus if you get married you'll end up with the same surname anyway.

BlueSunGreenMoon · 02/05/2017 09:41

If they get married op might keep her name. Particularly as it is the name of her other dc.

SandyY2K · 02/05/2017 09:47

The problem with double barrelling in this case, is that it means your baby will have your Exes surname as well.

Under the circumstances I can understand why he wouldn't want the baby to have that surname used either formally or informally.

Howabout you give the baby DPs surname, then double barrel your surname with your DPs surname. That way you'll have a link in name to all the children.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 02/05/2017 09:55

That would be like your partner being married but he took on his then wifes name. They split but he keeps his married name and plans too marry you, would you want to have that name? It was originally his ex wifes name. I'm not saying just give his name but there are other options.

Original poster

BeautifulLiar · 02/05/2017 12:33

DP has just suggested getting married but I'm not even divorced yet so don't want to rush into that!

I quite like the idea of changing my name to Dp surname-my surname, then giving the baby Dp's surname only. Then as mentioned by PP I'd still be linked to all of the children.

Not sure who asked, but I absolutely wouldn't put it past my ex husband and his family to mention it to the children if my new baby had "their" name. And he wouldn't be pleasant about it either! So that's a good point.

I'm assuming it's fairly easy to change my name - do I just get the deed poll forms from a website? My passport is still in my maiden name (and expires soon anyway) so I would just leave that. But I'd change my driving licence and everything right?

OP posts:

Janey369 · 02/05/2017 13:30

It's free to change your driving licence but costs to change your passport so it's a good idea to wait till it expires, that's what I've done.
I downloaded the deed poll form for free off the internet and printed it on nice paper. I did three prints and got my witnesses to sign all three so if anyone insists on the original document I have spares

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