Whose surname should baby have?

[BeautifulLiar]

I had four children with my ex husband. They all have the same surname. I also have this surname and don't plan on changing it unless I remarry.

Ex H was a violent, abusive, drug taking alcoholic who was never there for me and the DC and then left me out the blue when DC4 was less than 8 weeks old. Obviously I was heartbroken but over the past year I've really turned my life around and now I could shake his hand for leaving. I have no contact with him now. The DC occasionally see him.

I'm pregnant with my new partners baby. It's very early days but he's desperate for the baby to have his surname. I can see his point of view completely; he doesn't want his child having my ex husband's surname. I don't either, particularly, but nor do I want one child out of five to be the odd one out!

Opinions?

Thank you Janey.

Unfortunately we've just had a big argument about it. Feel like one of us will be unhappy either way

In your scenario, I was one of your 4 older children. My sister was the equivalent of your baby.

We older ones were from our mother's first marriage. Our sister's father was our mother's DP. They weren't married.

My sister was given the same surname as the rest of us. The reasoning was that it would make things awkward to have a different surname. My sister sometimes felt the odd one out because of having a different father. Having the same surname helped her to feel more like 'one of us'.

I think it would have felt awkward for the rest of us too if the message we received was that our name wasn't good enough for our sister, and that she somehow needed to be marked out as being different for the rest of us.

It may be a surname that belongs to your ex-H, but it's also a surname that belongs to you and your other children.

"as being different from the rest of us"

Ferris, that's exactly my reasoning. He just doesn't understand.

quite like the idea of changing my name to Dp surname-my surname, then giving the baby Dp's surname only. Then as mentioned by PP I'd still be linked to all of the children.

I think (as I suggested), this is a good solution all round.

Regarding your DC5 feeling different, they will grow to know that the rest of their siblings have another dad.

If they are visiting dad, DC5 won't be going, so I don't think that's a good enough reason to give the baby your Exes surname.

Honestly has if I was a man, I'd feel terribly insulted about it. It would feel like a slap in the face.

Sometimes it's so important to place yourself in the other person's shoes.

Imagine if it was your son or your brother who was the DP in this scenario. It's like being sidelined (from his POV) that his child would have the surname originating from the abusive Ex H.

There's no way I say it that it sounds right.

Ferris, by that thinking, it's also saying that her DPs name (father of the child), isn't good enough for the DC.

Good enough to be a dad and but not for the child to have his surname.

OP, what's the age gap between DC4 and DC5 going to be?

Will they even be in school together?

"Good enough to be a dad and but not for the child to have his surname."

But you could equally say that the OP is good enough to be a mother but not for the child to have her surname?

Growing up, we all knew very well that we had different fathers. It was never a secret. I can only post based on conversations I've had with my sister over the years about how things felt from her perspective.

My children have a double-barrelled surname, although neither of the names used are their fathers. My DD uses both of the names (for example, she's Elizabeth Coburg-Gotha... except, obviously she's not) whilst my DS insists on only using one of the names (eg: Frederick Coburg... except not). The names are my maternal great-grandfather's surname (Coburg) and my father's surname (Gotha). Legally, my surname is Gotha, but everyone knows me as Coburg.

I've never married, fully intended on being with ex for the rest of our lives - which obviously didn't happen - but as my DD isn't biologically my ex's child, I was adamant that she and her brother have the same surname as one another. Not necessarily me, but each other. That was important to me.

However, OP, I can understand your partner's viewpoint if you have kept your ex's name as your own (understandably because of the children you and ex share together). Because when that baby is born... it will be Baby Ex's Surname, irregardless of what you choose to later register it as. Unless you deedpoll your name now/soon/before birth. Legally, you can even give your new baby a surname entirely different to your own. You might be Smith, your DP might be Jones... but the baby you share together could be Walker. Have you considered amalgamating your surnames in a different way? Taking part of yours and part of his and creating a new one for the baby you share with your partner? That might be a solution.

Is this also serious?

Would you expect your current partner to have his child take the last name of another man?

Why not ask if he has any ex partners, maybe you could take one of their names... that is how crazy this question is.

SMH

If your CURRENT partner had kids with an ex and his kids had her las name, and because he didn't want an "odd one out" he said take her last name would you be happy?

Would you be happy having a child with the last name of an abusive, alcoholic, drugtaking woman your partner used to be with?

If you say no then you have no argument.

After reading this thread again....

I have friends who have bro's and sis' with diff surnames. They're all happy, because they all know and can be proud of the fact they are tied to who made them who they are.

How can a person feel like he/she is part of a family with 2 parents when they have someone they're not related to's name?

But all this seems like a LOT of trouble just so YOUR feelings about how your child MIGHT feel being left out of having a name?

Seriously?

I'm sorry, but giving the child a surname that is neither the OPs or her DPs is simply ridiculous to me.

That just sounds like pure spite to not give the child their father's surname in part at least and opt for a name you've plucked from the sky or just happen to fancy instead.

DC 4 and DC 5 will be at everything together. They'll be less than two years apart.

We've agreed now to give the baby both of our surnames, double barrelled. I hope it works. With the girl's name we both like I think she'd be the only one in the country :)

We've agreed now to give the baby both of our surnames, double barrelled.

Glad you've reached an agreement. Is he happy now then?

Yeh, he seems to be! I quite like the names together actually.

Excellent.

Some double barrelled names are quite nice. I remember a friend who decided to double barrel her surname when she married and her DH liked it, so he did the same.

They have kids now and all of them go by the double barrelled surname.

Thanks,sandy

Glad you've come to an agreement

My DP would hit the roof if I suggested our baby's surname was my ex' name
Likewise if he suggested we give it his ex surname !

Glad you've found a solution you're both happy with op.
Mine and my boyfriends names do actually sound really nice together, think we need a serious talk about dd's surname