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Original poster

Are your kids like this with DP/DH? A bit AIBU

39 replies

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 20:42

I've spent 17 years with DH. DD is 13 and DS is 11. I know it's going to kick off when DH and DS spend time together. Today I asked him to take them out. I always have to ask that's why I'm divorcing the fucker They got home and DS came up to me and started complaining about DH not getting finger rolls for the BBQ When DH came in DS went quiet and disappeared upstairs. DH came in and started complaining to me that he's not allowed to listen to his own music in the car because DS didn't want to listen to it. Every fucking time there's some bloody argument. it feels like I'm refereeing between them.

AIBU to think that when you're in a car, if someone doesn't want to listen to what you want to listen to then you turn the radio off or find something you both want to listen to? DH says kind of : my car my music, but not in so many words. What would you say if DH came in and said 'I'm not even allowed to listen to my own music anymore'

There's lots of other stuff but that's just one example. I'm trying to find out what the majority thinks really and am questioning everything.

Disclaimer: we're mid divorce and unfortunately cohabiting atm. These problems have been going on for years.

OP posts:

wonderingsoul · 01/05/2017 20:55

Personally imo the driver gets finaly say on what music is played.

If my dp had said that to me id have asked him why he let ds choose. Hes driving he gets final say.

Theres obviousely alot going on but i think you should pick your battles.

ifeelcraptonight · 01/05/2017 20:56

My car my music. I amuse myself greatly by having annoying songs for the pick up late at night from parties. Crazy frog anyone ?

GloriaV · 01/05/2017 20:58

Why are you getting in the middle of THEIR squabbles?
Don't do it.

ChicRock · 01/05/2017 21:00

I'm with your DH, my car, my music.

Having said that, your DH needs to grow up and deal with his child himself rather than looking to you to referee them... but your DS does sound like he can be a bit of a brat.

Original poster

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 21:07

DH would have switched the radio off, not let DS listen to his music.

Interesting to hear others views on my car my music. Perhaps I'm a push over

I tend not to get involved but have in the past when things get really shouty and slammy. I won't have it. On this occasion, I just said something non committal. I'm just fed up of them both coming to me and complaining, especially DH as he's an adult ffs.

OP posts:

Original poster

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 21:08

Yes DS is very trying. Brat is a bit insulting, no?

OP posts:

NellieFiveBellies · 01/05/2017 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MerryMarigold · 01/05/2017 21:12

Sounds like my dh and my boys. Sometimes I have to walk away. Often I have to remind dh he is the sky and boy to engage in petty squabbles but grrrr...I do often feel like I have another child.

Toffeelatteplease · 01/05/2017 21:13

An 11 year old shouldn't be dictating what music is and isnt played to his dad.

I'd sit them both down and point out how unpleasant it is that both of them come and moan about the other when they come in.

Then jointly with your DH I'd tell your son that as a child it is none of his business whether his dad chooses to get finger rolls or not and not his place to complain about his father's choice of music.

ifeelcraptonight · 01/05/2017 21:14

To be fair. If you're divorcing he's hardly DH.

And you sound like you're siding with the child.

Why were the finger rolls such an issue ?

MerryMarigold · 01/05/2017 21:14

Sky= adult

Renaissance2017 · 01/05/2017 21:15

Does your son always run to you with problems because he knows you'll take his side over his dads? It's not going to make for an easy relationship post divorce.

HardcoreLadyType · 01/05/2017 21:18

The car radio thing is a red herring. (As are the finger rolls.)

When they moan to you, say, "that does sound very annoying" and leave it at that.

user1471548375 · 01/05/2017 21:21

Wow. A lot of strong opinions about the sons 'brat' behaviour. I'm wondering how on earth an 11 year old living with two Co habiting but divorcing parents is coping?!

Music in the car? If it makes him happy I'd let him listen to just about anything, I'd buy him as many finger rolls as he wanted, and only when I was sure that both mine and the STBXH had impeccable behaviour would I start looking beyond that for solutions.

DermotOLogical · 01/05/2017 21:23

All sounds super childish. I agree re driver chooses the music. WTF is the issue with finger rolls?

Sounds like you are fed up with being referee. Why does your dh even tell you this stuff?!

SheldonsSpot · 01/05/2017 21:25

Your contempt for your husband comes across loud and clear.

I wonder if your DS has also picked up on that and so thinks it's ok to talk to his dad like dirt and come running to you telling tales.

BackforGood · 01/05/2017 21:25

What Hardcore said.
Don't get involved in this.
Oh, and yes, there will likely be a few years of dh and ds clashing as he (ds!) goes through puberty. It's a "Only one male in the pride" thing. They do come out the other side.

Silverdream · 01/05/2017 21:30

He's squabbling like a child but don't get involved.

I always listened to the kids music. This gave me a chance to know what they are interested in and to chat to them about their world.

They found nothing funnier when I joined in with a rap. It's all good fun.

Original poster

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 23:18

Sheldon - you may have a point there, although contempt is a strong word It's tricky because I don't agree with how STBXH deals with DS but he won't listen. But then I don't think he agrees with me on my parenting.

I do not give DS any back up or side with him. DS wanted a hotdog, him being super childish is to be expected as he's 11. When he comes to me moaning I tell him to go and talk with his father, not me.

thanks for your blunt words. I'll have a think about the points mentioned.

And quite right rolls and radios are red herrings

OP posts:

PookieDo · 01/05/2017 23:43

Me and my DC fall out about car music all the time. It is our most annoying argument. We like some of the same stuff but often someone feels that they have been treated unfairly and not had 'their song' and it is up to me to referee. I can't imagine anyone giving a crap about it if I complained to them about it! I do try to be fair but I find teen DC to be quite stubborn and shreiky about anything deemed unfair and the music in the car thing seems so much more important to them than it does me.
So I wouldn't get involved but I would also advocate a one song each approach if someone asked me for advice. My song then your song kind of thing

WatchingFromTheWings · 01/05/2017 23:52

We have the 'my car, my music rule' in our house too. If I'm driving I want it to be to music that doesn't want to make me drive over a cliff.

Pallisers · 01/05/2017 23:56

I wonder if your son is picking up on the separation tension and almost feels he will be rewarded for being annoyed or hard done by by his dad. It might even be subconscious on his part. He knows you are divorcing him so brings you stories of him being annoying.

I mostly listen to what the kids want in the car (within reason). I agree with PP - it is a chance to find out what they are listening to, and we have had some conversations about lyrics etc.(Rhianna???) Plus I love hearing my 2 girls sing along in the car.

Astro55 · 02/05/2017 00:09

I think this is down to patenting styles -

DH - man of the house - my car my music

DS - raised to have choices - asks for something else

DH never would have date ask his father to change the music

DH feels it's his turn to be boss -

DS disagrees and wants to share the music orbhave a turn

Good luck - sounds grim

Cricrichan · 02/05/2017 03:00

We each get a song. Except when I was mourning Prince.

TheNaze73 · 02/05/2017 06:53

Sorry to say it but, it sounds like your DS is being a bit manipulating

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