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Original poster

Are your kids like this with DP/DH? A bit AIBU

39 replies

ANewDawn · 01/05/2017 20:42

I've spent 17 years with DH. DD is 13 and DS is 11. I know it's going to kick off when DH and DS spend time together. Today I asked him to take them out. I always have to ask that's why I'm divorcing the fucker They got home and DS came up to me and started complaining about DH not getting finger rolls for the BBQ When DH came in DS went quiet and disappeared upstairs. DH came in and started complaining to me that he's not allowed to listen to his own music in the car because DS didn't want to listen to it. Every fucking time there's some bloody argument. it feels like I'm refereeing between them.

AIBU to think that when you're in a car, if someone doesn't want to listen to what you want to listen to then you turn the radio off or find something you both want to listen to? DH says kind of : my car my music, but not in so many words. What would you say if DH came in and said 'I'm not even allowed to listen to my own music anymore'

There's lots of other stuff but that's just one example. I'm trying to find out what the majority thinks really and am questioning everything.

Disclaimer: we're mid divorce and unfortunately cohabiting atm. These problems have been going on for years.

OP posts:
Astro55 · 02/05/2017 07:19

Actually it sounds asnin Mum has a better relationship than dad does - he'll have to step up when you separate - it may improve their relationship

Cantseethewoods · 02/05/2017 07:26

At the end of the day, quite a lot of parents have "personality clashes" with their kids. The one between my DF and Dsis went on for about........ eighteen years. Who was in the wrong? Both of them and neither of them. Could never quite figure out if it was because they're too similar or too different, but there you go. They get on well as adults, weirdly.

It is HARD living with someone who just seems pre-programmed to get on your nerves.

My DD drives me nuts at times, which, according to everyone else is because she's a "mini me" (my mum laughs a lot at what DD has done as I did most of them myself!)

Crumbs1 · 02/05/2017 07:39

Mmmmnnnn. Cohabitation when going through divorce must be pretty uncomfortable for everyone concerned. The children must be pretty muddled as to why you can't be together anymore......but wait, you are still living together.
Add into that teenage testosterone when sons often start being bolshy to the alpha male and things will get a bit squabbly.
Not sure you need to add or heighten tension though.

Oblomov17 · 02/05/2017 07:43

"DS wanted a hotdog, him being super childish is to be expected as he's 11."

No. I don't agree.
I think a lot of what you have written, speaks volumes of how you almost favour your children/side with your children/etc, more than you do your husband.

I don't agree with that. It leads to resentment in marriage. And children who are quite powerful, controlling, aware of how to play the game, and entitled. Not good.

Astro55 · 02/05/2017 08:02

DH came in and started complaining to me that he's not allowed to listen to his own music in the car

Sounds like he's 4! He's a grown up he needs to deal with it fairly at the time - shouldn't come running to you

Dozer · 02/05/2017 08:37

I've always hated being trapped in a car with loud music I dislike.

The kind thing for DH to do would be to take turns.

TempusEedjit · 02/05/2017 10:52

I agree with your H on the music in the car, he's the adult and the driver so he gets final say. I appreciate you didn't side with your son verbally on this occasion but he probably picks up on your body language or overhears disagreements etc else why would he feel comfortable coming to you moaning about his dad as though he's his equal in the family hierarchy like a sibling? He's 11, he should be able to express an opinion but ultimately it's not his place to have the final say.

"I don't agree with how STBXH deals with DS but he won't listen"

This sentence says an awful lot. Makes me wonder if the "he won't listen" regarding your H might relate to other stuff where your H should be entitled to do things his way without your interference (obviously not if he's doing something serious and leaving you to pick up the pieces). Unless there's a massive drip feed coming you need to step back and let your H carve out his own relationship with his kids. Likewise your H needs to stop moaning to you.

mum11970 · 02/05/2017 11:20

Being super childish has never been expected or tolerated in our house. My 12 year old would not strop like that over a finger roll and my choice of music. Crikey even my grandchildren would accept there are no finger rolls and they're 5 and under. Seems like a lot of moaning over nothing. Sulking gets you nowhere in this house.

GloriaV · 02/05/2017 14:29

I've always hated being trapped in a car with loud music I dislike.

I remember years and years ago being in a car for ages with Meatloaf on replay - AAAAAaaaah never listened to him since.

Whathaveilost · 02/05/2017 14:42

I agree with the car thing being a red herring. Bet in the car we either let DS have his music on, after all I'm normally in the car by myself and can please myself what I have on the rest of the time, it's interesting to see what his musical taste is like and why not let him feel valued?

I think you DH is being ridiculous.

Original poster
ANewDawn · 02/05/2017 16:29

Astro - yes very much so

OP posts:
Original poster
ANewDawn · 02/05/2017 16:33

Well there seems to be a definate split in opinion. Thank you all. I will have a good think about things. I also want to go on a parenting course again. The last one was when DS was 1.

OP posts:
Whathaveilost · 02/05/2017 17:12

I found music in the car was a great talking point and a good way of getting to know them especially around the age of 13 when they are beginning to find their own identity and what they like ( mine thought he had discovered the Kllers and looked at me in disbelief when I said 'oh. Yeah, 'Jenny was a friend of mine'is my favourite by them!!)
DS used to ( and still does) pick a song band, whatever and the conversation would be around bands and other stuff. We make recommendations to each other ' hey mum, what about this.....' and play something he had discovered on Spotify or YouTube.

Sometimes when they are at that age it can be hard thinking of interesting things to talk about that isn't around school and homework so it was an easy win. Of course I had to introduce him to Nirvana, Pixies and Joy Division!!

But as I said before there is other stuff going on. In this case if your DH wants to take the 'my car, my rules' approach , well that's up to him. I'm glad I didn't.

happypoobum · 02/05/2017 17:17

The driver chooses the music. It's the law.

I am in the camp that thinks your contempt for your DH is creeping in here and I suspect nothing he does is right. I had to live with XH for a few months whilst I raised some money to get him to fuck off and it was awful so I do sympathise.

I remember I used to have to leave the room because I couldn't even stand the sound of him eating. ACtually I think even his breathing annoyed me.

The answer short term is to minimise how long this drags on for.

Long term, you may find that their relationship improves once they are both out of what must be a toxic atmosphere. He might really annoy you by turning into Disney Dad Grin

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