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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

would i be better of alone??

39 replies

lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 13:47

following in from my 'feel so alone and he wonders why' thread. (sorry can't do links) I have been having problems with DH for a while now, and am wondering if I would be better off without him.

Trouble is, I don't think I can afford to bring up 3 children on my own. Does anyone know how much I can get? I rang the jobcentre about it and they said I would have to fill in forms and go for an interview before they could tell me how much I am eligible for.

I don't really want to be on benefits as I hate to be seen as a sponger, but I don't like the thought of leaving my children. I have always vowed to stay at home with them but at the moment, I don't see as I will have any other choice.

I don't know how I could manage on my own or if I should stay with him?

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 06/07/2004 13:52

Well the answer is - you would cope. I existed on income support for quite a while after my marriage broke up and tbh it wasn't fun, but it was WAY better than being in a shitty marriage.

Have a look at the DWP website for info about income support rates

boudicca · 06/07/2004 13:54

also the CAB site,and WWW.adviceguide.org,sorry can't do links

tammybear · 06/07/2004 13:55

if you ring CAB they can give you a rough estimate as I rang them up before I decided to officially break up with exp. They told me roughly how much income support I would be entitled to and other benefits. You could also do part time work and you will get help with childcare costs. I agree with spacemonkey. I have been on my own for 10 months on income support etc. and feel so much happier than when I was with exp even if I do have to watch what I spend.

tammybear · 06/07/2004 13:58

do you think you should just stay with him because of the kids and that you're afraid you wont manage on your own, or do you still want to be with him?

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 14:05

i do still want to be with him in a way but not with the way things are IYKWIM. I can't stand being here at the moment. I am so afraid. Most of all, I don't want my children think I am a faliure. I bet that doesn't even make sense does it??

OP posts:
maisystar · 06/07/2004 14:05

hi lonelymum, have just read your other thread. i don't think you can go on as you are. maybe if you did leave him he would realise what he's missing and get himself sorted out, or you could in fact find you are much happier on your own and not want him back!!

i am a single mum and it is hard to manange finacially but at least the money you get is yours and you choose how to spend it. and you won't be on benefits for ever. i haven't worked since ds was born (he is 3 1/2) but have done several training courses so when i go back to work i can hopefully get a good job and support us both.

xxx

tammybear · 06/07/2004 14:09

i agree with maisystar. and you do make sense lonelymum as i felt like that. dont worry you're not alone.

spacemonkey · 06/07/2004 14:11

it does make sense lonelymum

i stuck with my husband for 11 years because i didn't want to be a failure

i do feel guilty that i ended it, but hey guilt seems to be an inevitable part of motherhood for one reason or another!

i'd definitely suggest that you go for some counselling with relate or similar (on your own if dh won't join in) - it will help you clarify your true feelings and from that you'll know what to do

spacemonkey · 06/07/2004 14:14

i so wish i'd had mumsnet when i was going through all that

good luck and keep posting XXX

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 14:29

i just wish someone could make the decisions for me!! would make the thing a whole lot easier.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 06/07/2004 14:31

I know. It's such a huge responsibility isn't it. That's why you need to be sure that you are doing the right thing.

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 14:34

i dont think i will ever be sure tammybear

OP posts:
Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 14:34

spacemonkey even....see i cant get anything right!!

OP posts:
tammybear · 06/07/2004 14:35

i found when i wanted to split up with exp, i always had a voice in the back of my head saying that it would be easier to stay with him for security and finance, but i realised i wanted more than that. it took me about a month to split up with him as he kept making me feel guilty about leaving. i think you will always have a doubt as it is such a big change, but do what will make you happy. but do look into everything first.

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 14:37

thats whats happening with me at the moment

OP posts:
tammybear · 06/07/2004 14:45

are your children happy?

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 14:55

they seem to be....i suppose them picking up on 'bad vibes' will be inevitable (sp?)sometime though even though we don't argue in front of them.

OP posts:
spacemonkey · 06/07/2004 14:57

My husband and I didn't row in front of the kids either. Our relationship had degenerated into indifference and I really didn't think that was a good example to set the children. I'd rather they see their mum and dad happy and separate than miserable and together.

tammybear · 06/07/2004 14:57

children seem to pick up bad vibes. dd can. a sixth sense or something do they see dh much and get to spend much time with him?

tammybear · 06/07/2004 14:58

exp used to always start arguing in front of dd. i kept saying to him dont argue in front of her, but he doesnt listen. he kept making her cry, bless her

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 15:00

not really....like i said in my earlier thread....he spends lots of time doing weights and messing with his car. They want to spean time with him but he just moans and shouts at them

OP posts:
tammybear · 06/07/2004 15:01

my exp is like that. when he comes to visit dd, he doesnt play with or anything, he just sits there and either watches her or the tv. really makes me

Original poster
lonelymumof3 · 06/07/2004 15:02

i just want to curl up in a corner and fade away at the moment

OP posts:
boudicca · 06/07/2004 15:04

I've been on my own for nearly 27 years,apart from a couple of years with a very abusive d(!)p.As long as you have someone to turn ,to even VR MN'rs you're better off on your own if being with someone is making you miserable.

tammybear · 06/07/2004 15:14

oh lonelymum, i wish i could be of more help, it is difficult and a horrible feeling i know