I dont think I'll ever get over this

[Sickofthisalready]

Ex left 10 weeks ago for OW. We have DS age 3, so cannot go NC.

Since he left its been a complete roller-coaster and he really did treat both of us like absolute shit, but things have now settled down and he's sticking to the contact arrangement with DS.

I just cant seem to get over it. We were together 10 years and own the house jointly which im still in.

No matter what I do, its just not getting any easier. I am so unhappy and lost. Recently he started being a lot more friendly, invited me for a drink with in laws (who asked me if there was a chance we would get back together), met up with one of my family, has asked if he could stay at the house one night, answered my calls and texts immediately, called for no reason and commented that id changed and started doing all the things he'd always wanted me to.

All of this made me think he was regretting leaving and maybe an announcement that he wanted to come home was about to happen. He has always maintained that he only see's OW one or twice a week and I know this is true due to his contact arrangements with DS. But he is still seeing her and its killing me.

I find myself obsessing about them. I cannot deal with being replaced so quickly and easily. I cannot deal with him choosing an OW over his DS.

I just dont feel any further forward than from day one. He is on my mind 24/7. I am so sad that my DS no longer has his daddy here, and for all the things we will never do together like take DS on holiday etc.

I do have days when I feel stronger and think im not going to let him break me but I also have some very dark days, when if it wasn't for DS I worry what might happen.

Is this normal, do I need professional help?

It sounds perfectly normal to me. Be kind to yourself, it hasn't been that long. He is not planning on coming back, no matter how few times per week he sees the OW. He is still seeing her. He is just glad that you are 'behaving well', as that makes him feel less guilty. Indifference is the best revenge, but it takes a long time to get there. If the dark days get more numerous, then go to see your GP. you might feel better after a chat with a counsellor, but please don't convince yourself that he is coming back. He isn't.

You're doing a great job and remember, he chose to leave and to cheat, and this is not your fault.

He doesn't want to get back together.

He wants to have his cake and eat it. He wants his girlfriend on the side and for you to be a warm and lovely wife who is available to him if he wants to use you for anything. If he doesn't actually want to use you for anything then you don't exist for him. That's the reality.

It has only been 10 weeks so I think your behaviour is quite normal. But you do need to try to detach from him. I think you need to put proper boundaries in place. No to socialising with him, no to him staying over and communication is to be about your DS only. It is probably the only way that you can move on in your mind. Be busy - try to focus your mind on other things. Easier said than done, I know.

In your OP, you talk constantly about what he wants and what he does. What exactly do you want? It sounds like if he decided to come home tomorrow, you'd be overjoyed and accept him back without a murmur. He knows that. He is living his life, knowing that he can always come back to you no matter what. And at the moment you will accept any crumbs that he will throw your way. That makes him hugely powerful and you hugely powerless. You have to find a way to take back the power for yourself.

10 weeks is no time at all! Be kinder to yourself. He won't break you. You are your own person and will find strength, even if you don't believe that right now - you will, honestly. Hundreds of thousands of other people - men and women have been where you are now and have come out the other side stronger and wiser.

It's going to take you ages to get over this, sorry. But you will. Be kind to yourself and don't let him cross your boundaries- no staying overnight or family meet ups.

It's very early days. Your feelings are totally understandable.
He's taking the piss. If he wanted you back he would leave the OW and make an effort. He is having his cake and eating it and will continue to do so as long as you both allow him to. (I've been there and done that and it went on and on)
You can go NC, make it clear that you are only going to contact him when it's to discuss your DS and don't be drawn into anything else.

commented that id changed and started doing all the things he'd always wanted me to.

Oh, so now that you have made efforts to live up to his standards, his Lordship is now willing to grace you with his presence and company - don't you let those standards slip now!

Breathtaking arrogance - tell him to fuck off.

What an arsehole!

I'm two years on and still feel like that op, I just don't talk about it because everyone thinks I'm fine.

All I can offer is that the bad days and times get fewer. I suppose that eventually they stop altogether. I hear that you can speed the process up with minimal contact, and by dating again, but I haven't managed to do either.

What I am quite good at is pretending - to him - that I no longer care. I think you need to fake this if you can, for your own dignity, for your dc, as a tiny act of revenge.

Good luck. It happens to the best of us and is truly devastating.

All I can add OP is that you're not doing yourself any favours by thinking he left your DS for OW... it sounds like he's still around for your DS and your relationship is over, not theirs.

Thanks for the replies everyone.

Kaitlinktm- just to elaborate the reason he left was mainly my fault. Since DS was born Ive neglected him. Since he has left I have finally realised why I did this and this has allowed me to be able to change. I knew I needed to change for me aswell as us, but I suppose I took him for granted and never thought he would actually leave. Thats what makes this even harder its mostly my fault. Dont get me wrong he has plenty of faults which is why the neglect went on for so long. I think we got stuck in a catch 22 situation, but deep down I just wanted us to work things out.

Jamaicanbobsledder - your right. I think I just find it hard to understand how he can not want to see his DS everyday. When he is with OW its like DS doesnt exist.

"Since DS was born Ive neglected him."

By this do you mean you were busy raising your/his child and looking after your/joint house? I'm struggling to picture neglecting a husband when your raising his kid?

When he is with OW its like DS doesnt exist.

I left an unhappy marriage OP and not a day goes by when XH has DD that I don't miss her but it doesn't mean that leaving was the wrong decision. I make every effort to see DD (50:50 care) and when I don't have her she's never far from my thoughts. I wasn't going to stay with her father for the next 30/40 years though on the basis of having 10 years or so before she grows up to see her more.

When DS was born he was quite ill. We were backwards and forwards to doctors /hospital and it wasnt until he was 5 weeks old I decided to go private and he was diagnosed and subsequently got better within the next month.

I struggled enormously with him as he literally cried 24/7. I think that coupled with him being my first, being quite an anxious person and then ex returning to work just took its toll.
Im pretty sure I had PND but didnt want to admit it as I thought that would make me a failure. Ive always somehow felt responsible for DS start in life. To make this up to him, I thought I needed to be with him every minute of every day. I have never left him overnight, and until recently didnt feel comfortable letting anyone else look after him.

This obviously meant that my relationship with ex suffered immensely. I just had no time for him, I didnt want to go out with just him as it meant leaving DS. Everytime he tried to touch or kiss me I would tell him to get off. As you can imagine our sex life was non existant.

He started to not want to be here, and would go out as much as he could drinking, which caused arguments and things have just spiralled from there. He became a compulsive liar too.

I cannot get past the fact that I realise all this now and want to make things right but its too late.

10 weeks is nothing at all. This is a long road and there will be highs and lows. Please accept that this is complex and there are no magic fixes.

Looking back is all well and good but a reasonable person does not decide to cheat because his wife is caring for a sick child. It was not your fault. We all make mistakes but his was way more treacherous than any mistake you made.

Your sex life may have non- existent but I can tell my ex and I had plenty of sex and he was still shagging someone else.

'He became a compulsive liar' - are you sure he wasn't always like this? Some thing to think about.

I always say this but please read the website Chumplady. Saved my sanity.

Oh my goodness OP you weren't neglecting your husband at all, he isn't another child for you to lavish attention on, you are partners and parents together and your baby was ill and needy and you were prioritising your DS while your DH was making himself the priority. It's been 2.5 years since I left my abusive XH and I am only just learning not to apologize and try to win his favour. You are doing amazingly, be kind to yourself. I had to have about six months hibernation when I moved out before I even began to be unfrozen again. It sounds like all your responses are totally normal, maybe some counselling would help your self esteem and help with processing the PND?

please dont apologise for not making husband priority at that point. To be frank these needy guys expecting and wanting a family but still always expecting to be number 1, with you running around after them like a cross between social secretary, Nigella Lawson, and a harem really annoy me.

Dont get me wrong he has plenty of faults which is why the neglect went on for so long.

And has he addressed his faults at all - or is all the self-improvement down to you?

You see, all this about him being neglected gets my goat. You BOTH had a sick child. You BOTH should have been worried about him and you BOTH should have prioritised him. Why should you be pandering to him? Is he another child.

Did he support you - emotionally I mean - did he pick up the slack in the house? Did he refrain from pestering you for sex when you were worried and exhausted? If not, you could equally say that he neglected you.

It bothers me that you blame yourself for him leaving - especially now that he has made overtures to you saying that you have now toed the line. You seem to be giving him a lot of power over you.

Yes, this: "It bothers me that you blame yourself for him leaving"

My dd1 was clingy and between that, breastfeeding and some co-sleeping I was pretty much touched out for over a year. I had no interest in hand holding, hugging, kissing etc my husband. I needed to not be touched. He understood, and supported me in caring for our "high needs" baby. Having a baby is difficult on everyone. How much of the slack did your partner take on?

kaitlinktm - No he is still a compulsive liar. I try to get on as best with him for the sake of my DS, but it hurts that he still lies. He will let DS down and lie and say it was because of work but I will then find out it because he was with OW.

I dont want to make excuses for him but I think he's very insecure and couldn't deal with not being my number 1 anymore. He is very very selfish and his happiness comes before anything and anyone else even DS.

I only work part time so I suppose I just expected to do all the stuff around the house. He literally did nothing here now I come to think of it. No DIY, no helping with the finances. I think he justified it by earning a good wage. If you asked him he probably couldnt tell you how much either of us earned each month, or how much our mortgage was etc as I took care of everything.

Writing this makes me realise he really isnt a catch at all. Especially now in the financial mess he's in. I found out when he left that hed run up 7k of debt all spent on drinking and going out. Why then can I not see this as a lucky escape and not be pinning for him. Why am I absolutely gutted that he's with someone else. He is already lying to her. There's no way she'll know about us spending time together with DS or him asking to stay here

He's not coming back. To do that to a family is not a decision, he'd have taken lightly.

You loved him for ages so you won't be able to switch it overnight, particularly if he's giving out mixed signals. Even the fact he's with ow will have added an element of subconscious competition. It's unsurprising really that you're pining and jumping through hoops to please him and show him he's made a mistake.

For now just keep building up your list of reasons why you're well rid of him, and eventually your head will convince your heart.

Don't accept blame for this. You spent your time looking after his children and home; he chose to let you do this with no support and then betray you. He has shown you how little he values you. He will continue to sleep with both of you if you let him and as soon as he has an excuse again, or you get sick, fat or old, he will leave you again.

I keep reading the same story over and over on MN of a woman having a hard time and her partner doesn't appreciate anything she does but just sees how it affects him. Stay strong.

There is no way I'll be sleeping with him. It actually repulses me now that he could walk out of here and straight into her bed.

As much as I want to know he regrets what he's done, I dont show this. After the initial begging, pleading, promising to change I told him enough was enough and that what he does and who with is absolutely fine with me as I was relieved to be rid of him. But of course then I got scared that id pushed him further away. Im so pathetic. But as far as he knows as long as he doesn't let DS down, I dont give a fuck what he does.

No matter what I do, its just not getting any easier. I am so unhappy and lost. Recently he started being a lot more friendly, invited me for a drink with in laws (who asked me if there was a chance we would get back together), met up with one of my family, has asked if he could stay at the house one night, answered my calls and texts immediately, called for no reason and commented that id changed and started doing all the things he'd always wanted me to.

The only way to get over him is to stop any unnecessary contact. Start putting firm boundaries in place. He doesn't get your company at his parents, or get to stay stay at yours, or even come inside. Drop offs should happen at the front door, contact should be minimal, by email and text. If he's still on your social media, delete and block him. It's the only way you'll get him out of your head.

the reason he left was mainly my fault No, love, that's just another one of his complusive lies.