is this an abusive relationship

[user1493567361]

I have been a lurker for a while however I finally decided to post today as my husband just left today. I just wanted some external feedback on my situation and whether I am crazy or there is something I should/could have done differently.

Firstly I a met my husband abroad he had been deported from the UK, after a prison sentence (I know this sounds awful already). Anyway I was on holiday we clicked, and fell for him, he was quite honest with the fact he had been to prison and deported etc I guess I just believed people make mistakes etc. Anyway fast forward 8 months we got married, more due to the fact that I lived in the UK and he was abroad, I couldn't just move (my parents wouldn't have allowed me unless married) and he couldn't come over. Don't get me wrong I didn't feel pressured I genuinely thought I was madly in love and wanted to marry him. We got married and moved to the Far East together, I got a job and we were relatively comfortable, he couldn't work as it took a while to sort out his visa stuff, and jobs are pretty hard to come by in Asia unless you're an expat. Anyway did that for three years I got pregnant moved back to UK left him Asia we lived apart for about 1.5 years, as I got a scholarship to study and worked in UK, I regularly sent him money again as he had no income. I then got a job in Europe and he moved over to Europe with me 8 months ago. I fell pregnant very quickly(currently 8 months pregnant) he recently got a job 6 weeks ago and started working. That's our background now the main issues I have with him is his temper, when he gets annoyed or we have an argument he insults me belittles me, and says all sorts of things he is okay to swear at me in front of our three year old. About two months ago we had an argument as I didn't like the way he told our son off, I mean he can be a bit annoying but aren't all two year olds. So I told him not to shout at him like that and he went ballistic, this cumulated in him dragging me across the room pulling my hair, at one point I got in bed with my son to settle him and my husband jumped on the bed and stood over me, I was terrified he would kick my stomach me being pregnant and all. Anyway he apologised for that and suggested next time I could approach him in a less confrontational way but his actions were completely wrong. So we moved forward, fast forward to last week and we argued about my son being in nursery, I'm due to go on maternity so will be at home, so he said we should take him out, I said I would prefer him to continue to go as he is picking up a new language and it is good for him to go as I will be knackered with the new baby and no time for a toddler. Anyway he was pretty irate about that and said we couldn't afford it, now I agree whilst it won't break the bank I guess we could save that money, so I suggested I would do some extra online work to cover the expense. He was still adamant that we should take him out, again this disagreement deteriorated into him insulting me, apparently I am a bad mother and wife, immature (he is 11 years older) he also threatened to slap me as that wouldn't affect my pregnancy. Fast forward to this weekend he came to speak to me and said it's best if I start my maternity immediately and go back to the UK to have the baby as we cannot live together (I was not speaking to him) and he wouldn't not tolerate this, giving me three days to leave. Anyway I tried to speak to him today and said I cannot leave so abruptly my maternity is to start in two weeks, I am 36 weeks pregnant, I don't have a home in the UK ( I could stay with my mum) and that I would prefer to stay and have the baby and if he still felt like that after the baby is born we could make plans on how to deal with it. He went ballistic again called me stupid, insulting me that I don't know how to be a wife, that I have underestimated him and he will in fact leave right now and is not coming back. So he packed his bags, continued shouting insults to me, transferred £1500 from my account and walked out.

Yes, he is very abusive. He has physically and verbally assaulted you and financially abused you.
Can you go somewhere safe - either your mums or, if you can keep him away from your home wherever you are in Europe, perhaps get your mum to come and stay with you there?

Surely you don't have to ask if this is abuse? He is absolutely vile to you and you need to get rid of him ASAP. You have a young child (and another on the way) to think about. They should not be living under these conditions.
Its good he has left, don't let him come back! I really think it would be best if you did go and stay with your Mum. That way you are well away from him and you have some support.
Did you essentially steal £1500 from your bank account?

Sorry, that should have read 'Did HE essentially steal.....'

Have you blocked him from your bank account? You need to do that.

Yes he's been abusing you and largely now he's found a job he has no use for you anymore. A wife and babies isn't what he wants.

Can you keep him locked out and is there someone IRL who can be with you?

There is no doubt about it, one hundred percent- yes this is an abusive relationship. While it's normal to argue with your partner, it's not ok for him to insult and belittle you- this is emotional abuse. When he grabbed your hair, this is physical abuse. I hope you can get away from him and have someone to support you in doing so.

He has left the house, I think i should be okay here, I am going to change the locks tomorrow, my mum lives in the UK so unfortunately I do not have any family here, i am going to get my mum to come an stay with me because I am due at the end of the month, so will need her support. Do you think I am being naive in thinking that this is it, my mum is very worried he could come possibly hurt me before she comes. But he has never really struck me, just threats and dragged me around a little bit.

According to him I am very unreasonable, and provoke his anger, and I should learn how to speak to him, even my mum said I should have just agreed my son wouldnt go to nursery, I understand that maybe the nursery thing is a bit dramatic, however I do feel like it is important for my son to socialise, learn a new language etc. And yes whilst we are not rich, I was prepared to do extra work to cover the expense. I mean he wanted us to go on holiday which would cost more than one months nursery fees.

Yes I have blocked my account, he does not have access to it anymore.

He transferred money from account, as he said he made past contributions so he was taking it back, when he moved to Europe he did come with £2000 or so ( which he got back from the deposit of the house and selling our old furniture)

The nursery issue is completely irrelevant. That is NO excuse to behave like that. And actually I think its reasonable to know that you might struggle to cope with 2 children for a while so keeping your toddler in nursery is fair enough. Please get the locks changed ASAP and if he threatens you in any way, involve the police. Please make it clear to him that he can't get away with this abuse.

This sounds terrible. Yes, he's definitely been abusive towards you. If he's dragged you around that's physical aggression and completely out of order. I think it's a good idea to get your mum to come asap so you have some support.

If your family are in England and that is where your support is come back right away, now! What are you going to do with 2 little ones, away from home and alone? If he is suggesting you come home then do. When your baby arrives he might try to stop you leaving and could get legal orders basically trapping the children in whichever country you are in. He's abusive. Come home please

Yes he is abusive. Yes he could get much worse (what he's done is already seriously abusive).
Your mums attitude to you somehow provoking him is startling. I doubt he has ever dragged a man across the floor by his hair when he disagreed with him? Or threatened to slap his boss when they disagree? Why shouldn't you have an opinion on nursery/fees since you effectively kept your husband for so long? Your mum's attitude to this sort of thing (and therefore the messages you got growing up) would probably tell you a bit about why this man didn't ring alarm bells sooner.
I think you and your DC have had a lucky escape. I would think that returning to the UK might be a smart move from a child custody standpoint.

He is awful, poor you, he is doing the classic thing of making you believe that it's your fault as you have provoked him. It's not.

Please go back to the UK as soon as you can. Can you just leave your job early?

its really hard to accept the idea that its abuse, you know I know he has temper, he did tell me, before we got married, but naively thought because I am quite calm myself, it wouldnt be an issue.

I just feel so low, when he says like I am stupid, bad mother and bad wife etc recently we havent had sex or much if any affection for quite a while and that is just because being pregant coupled with the incident where he dragged me I just became emotionally detached, I know men need some physical affection but I just couldnt bring myself to.

I forgot to mention whilst I was in the UK he cheated on me, I saw a video of him filiming a sex act with another woman, but he turned it around and said i was sneaky and insecure for going through his phone, I kind of just let that go, i guess he was alone out there in asia. But things fundamentally changed since then, and him coming to europe was really a last ditch attempt on my side to make things work, despite me being generally unhappy with him.

to be honest my mum is/was supportive of me leaving him, just felt like i should back down on the nursery thing to keep the peace, until i had sorted my self out to leave him. My mum and him do not really have a relationship as he has been extremely rude to her several times, one time he called her and told her I have mental health issue and should die, so my mum has kept her distance from him.

He's an abusive bully and you're not safe OP. You've put up with too much already. Please leave him, come home and make sure you and your babies are safe

Oh, my goodness, pet!

You are well shot of him!

I agree with pp that coming back to the UK would likely be a smart move in terms of future custody of the children, and also it would be much safer as by the sounds of things he can't legally get into the UK.

It is very difficult for me to understand how you could even wonder if this is abusive or not! But then I suspect this is actually just a further sign of his abuse - brain washing and destroying your self esteem.

Please do not underestimate how dangerous this man is. You are not safe with him.

Please, please make plans to get away from him permanently. Don't take the chance that he could come back.

You have been lucky (poor choice of word really) so far that you and your children have not been hurt but these things tend to escalate. More women are murdered by their partners than you would think. None of them thought it would happen to them in the beginning. Even if it never gets worse, is this what you want for the rest of your life? Is it what you want your children to grow up with? Is it the kind of relationship you want them to aspire to as adults?

If I were you, I'd seek immediate legal advice with regards to getting back to the UK as soon as possible (you are taking his child with you so it may not be as simple as hopping on a plane).

To be honest I don't think he is that interested in taking my son, apparently he is a spoilt wingy brat. He cannot enter the UK legally at the moment so us being in the UK he won't be able to do much. My mum is coming this week, just sorting out her flight and stuff. I am I naive to feel safe knowing he can't enter the property I haven't reached the point where I think he could physically harm me. I just think he shoutsand bullies me to scare me. I don't want to have to stop working early and uproot myself, I only get statutory maternity pay as well so I need all th3 money I can get, plus being abroad I am not entitled to any UK benefits except child benefit ( I work for a UK employer but based in europe) . I think culturally it's accepted that men can have a hot temper and are the head of the homes women are to be submissive, me being born and raised in the UK I guess I am not the traditionally cultural I think that annoyed him as well, which is why he says I don't know how to be a proper wife. My mum was in an abusive relationship she finally left when I was 16, I still remember vividly when my stepdad used to best her and throw her down the stairs and me and brother felt helpless and just cried ( until I was old enough to call the police). I just feel silly I have managed to repeat the cycle, my son hasn't witnessed any proper physical aggression just shouting, but he heard my husband say he will slap me and now my son has been saying he will slap me too. I know it may be coincidental but it's pretty alarming to hear from a 3 year old.

Darling don't get your mum over there, come home to her with your babies

Why do people stay with abusive partners, especially if there are children involved. If you don't have any self respect for yourself at least think of the harm you are doing your children.

pixie victim blaming at its finest. The victim of DV/DA is not the one harming their child. The perpetrator is doing that. You have no clue what you are talking about. The psychological damage that an abuser can do is unreal and it's not always as easy leave as you obviously think.

Are you on glue or something, Pixie?