Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Just given BF ultimatum over smoking ☹️

46 replies

Britainsgottalent · 28/04/2017 19:56

Been with my BF for 5 months he was a heavy smoker since teens , I knew this before dating and thought it wouldn't be to much of an issue .
How wrong was I the constant need to go outside for a fag ultimately got me down not to mention the disgusting smell that clings to you and your hair and clothes .
In Feb he quit with patches I was so proud of him then Boom he got hit with a viral infection that left him in coronary care for a few days , he's going to be on heart meds for the rest of his life as the lungs filled with fluid and his heart over compensated and it caused damage to valves . Now today he went to see s consultant who told him it will never improve and he had to adjust his life style . I found out from kissing him that he's started back smoking again , I was so upset but thought ok it's only one or two but now it's more and more .
Today I've had enough just messaged him and said I hate it and I'm worrying over his health and he's smoking and not taking responsibility for his own well being , he has a young child who he needs to be around for it's not just about me here . Anyway the silence since I've sent the txt is deafening he has said before and one tells him what to do , Ever in the past so he will have spat his dummy out .
Can he not see how he is killing him self , he stood in front of me short of breath yest , he's very pale and lost a lot of weight . Just feel Shit I love him dearly but I think I would walk away cause I can not watch the man I love puffing on a cigerette when I've seen him hooked up on a drip and so poorly . Please advise me have I been wrong to express myself should I have just said nothing ?

OP posts:
Bluntness100 · 28/04/2017 20:03

What's rhe ultimatum? The body of your op gives no ultimatum, did you give one and forget it to mention it?

He sound seriously ill, pale lost weight etc that is not just smoking or a heart condition, is he very ill ?

TheNaze73 · 28/04/2017 20:05

I agree with your sentiments however, I think you'll lose this one.

LostMyDotBrain · 28/04/2017 20:05

I'm afraid you can't dictate how he regards his own health. If he wants to smoke, he will. 5 months with you won't cure that addiction. He has to want to stop for himself. You knew he smoked when you got together. It's fine for you to change your position on that but you should just accept that you're not compatible rather than throwing around ultimatums.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks · 28/04/2017 20:06

Be prepared to walk away op. .

category12 · 28/04/2017 20:07

It's up to him what he does with his own body. I would walk if you cannot bear to watch him choose to smoke.

Wolfiefan · 28/04/2017 20:07

He's an adult who can choose to smoke if he wants to.
He was a smoker when you met.
Not sure what you hope to achieve by an ultimatum. He won't stop unless he wants to.
I can see why you would worry about him but you can't force him to change.

PurpleDaisies · 28/04/2017 20:07

If he's lost a lot of weight without trying he needs to see his doctor.

You are perfectly entitled to decide smoking is a red line for you.

Original poster
Britainsgottalent · 28/04/2017 20:17

I just said I can't stay around and watch you smoke as it's so bad for you , if that's what he chooses to do . I'm only asking for some advise here , I'm not horribly throwing ultimatums around . I've kept quiet for ages over this .
It's still early days so he's got to build himself up , he's having ref appt at the hospital so being reviewed . It's hard to see him struggle for breath then smoke how could anyone get their head around that . Think I've lost the battle as he's said he can't believe I can switch love of for something so trivial , Jesus it's cause I love and care for him I feel this way , Why can he not see that ☹️ Wish I'd said nothing now

OP posts:
WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 28/04/2017 20:31

Personally I wouldn't date a smoker as I can't stand the smell, and the regular "going out for a fag" is irritating on dates. But you knew he was a smoker so I don't think you can now complain, although I do see where you're coming from RE him smoking when it's making him unwell. I would lose so much respect for someone who didn't actively try and quit when they've been so ill and been advised to by doctors. That's the problem with addicts though; some give the impression they'd rather die than deal with their addiction. It sounds like he'll dig his heels in as well as he won't have anyone tell him what to do!

whattheactualfudge · 28/04/2017 20:37

Sounds like Congestive Heart Failure. NOT MEDICAL ADVICE! Just exactly what happened to my Dad and then that's how it started....pale, lost weight, shortness or breath. He also had fluid retention in his legs.

He does need to stop smoking but as a smoker, I can tell you that even if you want to more than anything, giving up isn't always possible. Especially when you're stressed. I know loads of idiots on here are going to lay into me but it's true. I know all too well.

SandyY2K · 28/04/2017 20:55

I think you need to walk away and tell him you're doing so because you love him and can't bear to watch him like this.

Original poster
Britainsgottalent · 28/04/2017 21:53

Thanks for the replies , he's ignoring me so I think I have my answer , known him since we were kids and know all the same people this is going to be hard to move on from , I just feel so sad about it . It's not his fault he is ill and I'm more than happy to support him in giving up any way I can , he lasted 2 months then went back to it . My hair has even smelt of smoke when he was stroking it as we had a cuddle it's disgusting , he's not bothered to even hide it now . He is stressed at the moment , mummy's boy issues that I have to contend with also , not looking great if it . I love him so much feeling rubbish right now 🙁

OP posts:
sarahmum27 · 28/04/2017 21:53

You've been together 5 minutes and you're already dictating his life Hmm

He has an ADDICTION your nagging will only make it a million times worse.
Yeah encourage him, but don't put pressure on him. It should be him that makes that call not you.

Original poster
Britainsgottalent · 28/04/2017 22:02

Wow nice response in his life 5 mins , get a grip I was the one sat by his side in hospital for a week , I've known him all my life , the dating is a recent thing , don't comment if nothing positive to say , why is mumsnet like this there is always one isn't there .

OP posts:
category12 · 28/04/2017 22:04

Er, it probably -is- his own fault he's ill.

You can love someone but it doesn't make you well-suited to each other. You can love each other and make each other miserable as lovers. Love isn't enough.

Give both of you a break and let it go. You're not compatible.You could still be friends.

forumdonkey · 28/04/2017 22:07

I've got to say, you knew he was a smoker when you met. He's a grown man who is fully aware of the risks, you can either accept it or leave him. On a practical level e-cigs are very successful in quitting

MamaHanji · 28/04/2017 22:36

It's hard being with someone who is a smoker when you aren't. When I met my partner we were both heavy 20-30 a day smokers so we just smoked together all the time. When I fell pregnant with our second (obviously I stopped smoking when pregnant with my first. Hardest bloody thing ever) we both agreed that he would stop and we would both never go back. He's been smoke free for over a year now.

You can't stop him smoking. You know that. But you can say 'I won't stand around and watch you kill yourself' and then you need to move on. It sucks, but you can't crack an addiction unless you want to. And he obviously doesn't want to.

I would do the same in your situation and just say 'i won't stand around and watch you kill yourself.'

KingJoffreysRestingCuntface · 28/04/2017 22:39

He has an addiction.

And he's going through a shit time.

I agree that smoking is slightly grim but you're being a bit mean.

I know I'm overweight but have a complex relationship with food and an ultimatum won't stop it. I imagine smoking is much the same.

dustmotesinthesun · 28/04/2017 22:54

I think smoking is one of those things you have to want to give up yourself. You can't make him sadly .

I dated a smoker. Honestly never again. His cigarettes were more important than me and I hated worrying about his health. His smoking seemed to dictate everything day to day.

sarahmum27 · 28/04/2017 23:13

No op I said you've been together 5 minutes, not in each other's lives 5 minutes.

When you've been together a few years and you're set on planning a future together, then you have a right to tell him what to do with his life.

He was a smoker before you got together, so what did you imagine would happen after you made it official...That he'd suddenly lose the most powerful addiction known to man, because of you?.

I think you're going about this the wrong way, that's all.
Why don't you buy him a decent vaper as a gift, some more patches. Anything to encourage him. Just try to understand what an addiction is. It's not like giving up chocolate. If you nag a smoker, the first thing they'll want is a cigarette guaranteed.

Beelzebop · 29/04/2017 01:43

As a smoker I am well aware I am an addict. As such though it is only fair to tell you that ultimatums don't work with addicts. X

BusterGonad · 29/04/2017 03:42

Smoking really isn't that hard to give up if you chose to do so, he's being a bit of a twat really, if he's got a child he needs to stop.

user1491572121 · 29/04/2017 03:50

I think if you can't be with a smoker then it's best to leave them.

I am an ex smoker and my DH put up with it for years; he was so worried about my health. He would periodically nag me but he then realised this didn't help.

So he went out and got me a very good quality E cig and begged me to just give it a go.

I did and though it took me almost a year, I now only vape...he supported me. That's not the same as an ultimatum.

RedStripeIassie · 29/04/2017 03:52

You can't make someone give up something they have no intention of tackling. Believe me I've tried and failed to do this.

C0untDucku1a · 29/04/2017 03:59

It has been 5 months. Going on about how much you loves him sounds like dramatics.
He said nobody tells him what to do? tht sentence to me makes him sound very difficult. Petulant. Does He work?
Ignoring you over this is immature.
You dont smoke and he does and doesnt make it so it isnt unpleasant for you. Seriously i dont see why youre continuing with this relationship.