Just given BF ultimatum over smoking ☹️

[Britainsgottalent]

Been with my BF for 5 months he was a heavy smoker since teens , I knew this before dating and thought it wouldn't be to much of an issue .
How wrong was I the constant need to go outside for a fag ultimately got me down not to mention the disgusting smell that clings to you and your hair and clothes .
In Feb he quit with patches I was so proud of him then Boom he got hit with a viral infection that left him in coronary care for a few days , he's going to be on heart meds for the rest of his life as the lungs filled with fluid and his heart over compensated and it caused damage to valves . Now today he went to see s consultant who told him it will never improve and he had to adjust his life style . I found out from kissing him that he's started back smoking again , I was so upset but thought ok it's only one or two but now it's more and more .
Today I've had enough just messaged him and said I hate it and I'm worrying over his health and he's smoking and not taking responsibility for his own well being , he has a young child who he needs to be around for it's not just about me here . Anyway the silence since I've sent the txt is deafening he has said before and one tells him what to do , Ever in the past so he will have spat his dummy out .
Can he not see how he is killing him self , he stood in front of me short of breath yest , he's very pale and lost a lot of weight . Just feel Shit I love him dearly but I think I would walk away cause I can not watch the man I love puffing on a cigerette when I've seen him hooked up on a drip and so poorly . Please advise me have I been wrong to express myself should I have just said nothing ?

I think yore getting a bit of a tough time op. You haven't done this to nag but because I imagine you are scared seeing your dp I'm hospital and don't want it to happen again. It's completely understandable and hard.
I do think though that texting wasn't the best approach a supportive conversation starting with how much you love him and are worried may have been better. If he wants to stop you can help him and support him and there is lots of support out there to stop smoking but it is his choice and to put it into context I've seen people with close family members who have died because of smoking still carry on smoking heavily despite this

I completely understand where you're coming from. Smoking is a nasty habit. But it is a terrible addiction. I know someone who was a smoker, and alcoholic, and a weed addict. He was specifically advised to NOT quit smoking until he'd been sober/straight for at least a year as quitting smoking was actually harder than weed/booze. He has quit the first of this year and so far so good.

BUT, you can't dictate to your BF what he can and cannot do. It's his decision and his addiction. All you can do is decide if you're going to hang around and watch him slowly kill himself. I wouldn't.

Good for you, OP. You drew a line in the sand. You're allowed to set your own boundaries.

It's up to him now.

Some of the replies have been very helpful so to those thank you , to say I'm being dramatic for saying I love him baffles me but hey that's munsnett for you . What has it got to do with if he's working or not but to answer that question yes he does and is back at work . Obviously caring about someone's health is wrong then , I've been supportive massively so through out the last few months . You try having some one you dare I say it again love struggling for breath in front of you . If not for me for his child that should be a massive reason and wake up call I would of thought.
I know about addiction as my friend was an alcoholic I know how hard quitting an addiction is . Thanks again to the nice mumsnetters who are positive and helpful rather than the negative nellies that pick apart your post and give you a rough time for asking for help to clarify a situation that is obviously an upsetting one

I absolutely stand by you OP.

I had this situation with my DP. Three months into being with him, I knew I couldn't be with a smoker and told him, even though everything else was great and I loved him. All went quiet for a couple of weeks and then he told me he'd given up.

Ten years later we're still together. He maintains that he didn't do it for me, that he just wanted to give up, but that's just his ego talking. It doesn't matter either way, he's a resolute non smoker now.

Some of the replies have been very helpful so to those thank you

All you wanted was an echo chamber

I know about addiction as my friend was an alcoholic

Having a friend who's tackled addiction doesn't mean you truly get it I'm afraid. If you think the logic of him being ill with breathing issues should translate into him wanting to quit, you really don't understand at all.

Ultimatums do work, but not necessarily in the preferred direction.

You have set your boundary on this, and his response (or lack of) will tell you whether you are more important than smoking or vv.

When he says he can't/won't stop, make sure you protect that boundary. I don't know if you can go back to being friends, but it looks likely you have no future with him as bf/gf.

I couldn't. E in a relationship with a smoker.

Bearing in mind you have only been in a relationship with him for five months I would cut my losses here OP.

He isn't willing to take responsibility for his health despite an extremely serious health scare and despite having a child. I just wouldn't want to be with him.

Speaking as and ex smoker it doesn't surprise me that has started again, you become accustomed to smoking while dealing with both good and bad situations you develop a reliance on having a smoke while dealing with them.

He's in a bad place at the moment, while smoking won't help his situation he has years and years of it being a conditioned response for him to smoke at times of stress and worry.

Hopefully the doctors will drum home hard that he is rapidly killing himself by doing so and he will make the decision to do it for himself.

That said I understand that you will not want to watch the decline if he doesn't give up smoking for good and YANBU to make that choice.

If your BF wants to smoke he can do. It's not illegal. If you don't want to be with a smoker then you need to end the relationship. You can't force someone to do something if they don't want to.

As an ex-smoker I have to say that you really don't understand the addiction. He is stressed right now because of his health problems, smoking is a way to cope with stress because it eases stress levels for a short while (and then makes it worse till your next cig but hey, that's not the point here). All those years he coped with stress by smoking some of it away. He probably doesn't have the skills to cope with stress on this scale right now. Your ultimatum will only make the stress worse.

Tbh I think you should walk away. You sound like this situation is too difficult for you. It IS difficult, but he needs different help than the one you are givibg right now.

What exactly do you want here? There are no magic words you can say to make him stop. You can give all the ultimatums you want. They're meaningless to an addict. All most of us are saying is that you can't make him quit. It has to be his decision. He won't quit successfully for you. He has to do it for himself.

If someone gave me an ultimatum about my smoking, I'd leave them. It's a maniupulative way of getting someone to do your bidding.

This was one of the ways my ex-partner tried to control me. He was fine about it at the start, then perstered me to give up then yelled at me when I failed. Bastard.

Just walk. Ultimatums don't work.

You've been together 5 minutes and you're demanding a lifestyle change. Yeah that's gonna go well...

Just wow

Wow

OP ignore the nasty comments.

Nothing wrong with you've put. Whether you've been together 5 months or 5 years, you have a right to voice your opinions towards your partners behaviour. And fgs that doesn't make you controlling some posters will label you controlling for absolutely no reason!

Ultimatums do work however they don't always choose the option you're hoping for. You have to remember that.

If he's going to choose smoking over his health when his partner and child both want him to stop, then isn't it best you find that out now than in 4 years when you have your own child together? At least if he chooses smoking over your relationship you're never gunna have a child with him who may end up without a father because he's chosen fags over his health.

Because if you came back here in 5 years saying your partner wouldn't stop smoking even though he's killing his health and your child will most likely end up without his dad, you'd be slated for having a baby with him knowing full well he smoked.

Sometimes you can't win on here OP.

It's funny because if you'd said he had an addiction to porn most people would be telling you to leave him until he'd received help - not once would you have been labelled controlling or unfair.

It doesn't matter what the addiction is, if it's damaging their health and affecting their child's life, or your own life, you have every right to give an ultimatum.

I don't think anyone is saying not to give an ultimatum. Just to be realistic and to realize that they don't work with addicts so not to be disappointed when it doesn't work.

I don't think OP is being 'controlling', I think she's being unrealistic. And the only thing that's relevant about the length of her relationship is that they've been a couple for a very short time for her to expect that he'll listen to her. If she was a wife/partner of 20 years maybe he'd be more willing to listen. But a gf of 5 short months? Not so much.