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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My stupid crush....come and sort me out please

51 replies

Mikethenight2good · 28/04/2017 18:08

Before I start, I am married with a young family. I have never, and will never cheat on my husband. I grew up with a parent whom had affair and it was horrible for all. 30 years on we still live with it. I struck gold when I met my husband. Below is not some stupid affair about to start. It's a stupid crush. And I seriously need to get over it.

There is man whom is working on a project for us, and I have developed a stupid crush. He is seriously fit, he actively listens to me, comes up with solutions to problems and very successful in his line of work. He also treats me and the children respectively (where as in the past previous people who have worked on our projects haven't).
I find myself acting like I am 13 again! I found myself disappointed that he wasn't on site today. I am conscious of what I wear, how I look. I find excuses to talk to him. It's ridiculous!
I would never act on it. Never. But I do need to stop. I don't want to be making a fool of myself.

So come on peeps, sort me out. I can't talk to anyone in RL about this.

OP posts:

Piratesandpants · 28/04/2017 18:13

I think you just have to ride it out. Maybe just enjoy it as s bit of harmless fun - particularly as you are clear it's just a crush that won't be acted on.

Cinnamon2013 · 28/04/2017 18:17

Following, for, erm, a friend...

Emmageddon · 28/04/2017 18:18

If you're not going to act on it, then you're not going to make a fool of yourself. If you were single and were hoping for some intimate action with this man, it would be different. He's probably just one of those charming, charismatic blokes who make everyone feel that they are important. Enjoy the crush, it'll end soon enough.

Supersmith · 28/04/2017 18:24

I had a crush whilst I was being trained when I started my new job last year. The guy who was training me was the one who I totally fell for and I couldn't stop thinking about him. It was so hard as I was trying to impress him and he was still teaching me new things.
After the training I was moved to cover another store and start in my new position. I can still feel the crush still there, there's little things I still do just so I can speak to him and hear his voice.
I've been with my fiance for 10 years now and have never cheated and never will. This crush was a confusing and difficult time for me when it was at its peak.

Asmoto · 28/04/2017 18:24

If you want to 'cure' yourself - avoid him as much as you can, and try to stop yourself thinking about him - if you can be out of the house when he's there, that would be ideal. I'd also suggest avoiding posting about him in future - you're indulging 'mentionitis' which is a prime perpetuator of crushes.

Your other option is simply to enjoy it as a fantasy, as pps have suggested .

Original poster

Mikethenight2good · 28/04/2017 19:01

Unfortunately avoiding him is not going to be. Hubby is not around in the day to liaise with him.
Supersmith I totally get your post.

OP posts:

noego · 28/04/2017 19:02

You have already made a fool of yourself posting on here. How old are you FFS.

TresDesolee · 28/04/2017 19:07

I sympathise, I get stupid crushes myself. But FWIW I agree with Asmoto - you're indulging the crush with this thread. (Not trying to be mean, I've done much worse!)

If you really want to get out from under the crush you have to be incredibly disciplined about it. Actively stop yourself fantasising, leave all liaison to your DH even if it means delays, talk to the other guys but not to him. Don't let yourself find excuses to talk about him.

If you don't really want to get out from under it then by all means carry on

redexpat · 28/04/2017 21:28

You're not alone. I have a thing for the psychologist who helped diagnose my child. He is gorgeous, actively listens, and is clever. But I don't think I will ever bump into him again.

mycavitiesareempty · 28/04/2017 23:08

The first thingame is don't feel bad. It'sucks natural, human, understandable. Just being happily married doesn't preclude meeting other people you find attractive.

I would say, just enjoy it. It can be a good prompt to start taking care of yourself, your needs and desires again.

My best friend had this recently. She didn't act on it but we had some hilarious convos as a result and she now looks absolutely fabulous!

Smeaton · 28/04/2017 23:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

maitaimojito · 28/04/2017 23:20

I've experienced this before with a guy at work. It's so odd to feel like a fifteen year old again when you can't stop thinking about someone.

I just enjoyed it while it lasted and found that work was a bit more interesting until it fizzled out. I must have got bored of the idea eventually, although I still think he's a lovely guy.

Aquamarine1029 · 28/04/2017 23:57

I think you need to be kind to yourself! You have a crush as many of us have had. A crush is mostly based on fantasy, and a little fantasy never hurt anyone. You love your husband, so maybe make a little effort to transition those fantasies to him.

Original poster

Mikethenight2good · 10/07/2017 11:50

Ok so this is definitely more than a crush, from my side anyway, he doesn't even realise. I saw a picture of him and his girlfriend and they look very much in love and I have felt heart broken ever since. Stupid eh?? I have managed to avoid seeing him by getting DH to liaise with him lately. My head is totally screwed and I just want to cry.

Part of the issue is everything is not great within our relationship but hubby is denial. We both need to work a bit harder but we have fallen into being very functional with each other and no romance. We don't do anything. We never have people round, we never go out, trying to get him to go out for the day over the weekend is painful. He is always tired. The weather is glorious and we seem to do nothing. I feel so lonely as I don't feel I have anyone to talk about it too in real life.

OP posts:

Tazerface · 10/07/2017 12:18

I've had crushes. I indulge the thoughts of wild sex and holidays and it being perfect. It normally resolves itself when they say something or do something I don't like, or if we just stop spending time together.

I never have and never would act on it - for me, I allow myself to fantasise every so often because it's the same as thinking about a celeb you like. They represent a bit of escapism, that's it.

I just ride it out. The feelings go after a while. Imagining them having a shit on that perfect holiday is a good crush killer .

yetmorecrap · 10/07/2017 12:29

Ok I say this to everyone who posts about crushes, I've been in the receiving end having found about husbands crush from 11 years ago on a 20 year old and he was in his 40s , She worked with us, 8 months ago I found a load of love songs written about her and also recorded(he's a musician too) I also found that he carried on a lot of texting between them for years and frequently did the 'must meet ups' on FB, I never saw those till after I found the song evidence, I never looked to be honest, I asked to be her friend on FB and as soon as I was could see all his comments. Be very very careful of crushes, unless you keep it to yourself and don't act on it in any way it can come back to bite you on the backside, it's totally changed how I see my husband, I always thought 100% totally loyal for all his other faults and I am now undecided whether to stay with him , he tells me just a crush that went too far on his side and she knew nothing but even if that's the case it cannot change the fact it's changed my feelings . Therefore I say get a bloody grip

chips4teaplease · 10/07/2017 12:31

It's normal, it passes, keep yourself under control and all will be well.

Original poster

Mikethenight2good · 10/07/2017 14:00

Right have done some retail therapy online to make myself feel better and have blocked him on social media so I stop stalking him

OP posts:

yetmorecrap · 10/07/2017 15:12

Nice move Mikethenight . Distract yourself!!

AutumnRose1988 · 10/07/2017 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mylittlepony6 · 10/07/2017 19:06

Google "limerence"........it sounds like you are experiencing it......

chips4teaplease · 10/07/2017 19:20

Limerence is far, far worse than anything you've described so far, OP. I've had it, it's a psychosis.

URaflutteringcunt · 10/07/2017 20:45

I'd agree. Limerance is awful and all consuming. I get crushes too, I'd never mention them to anyone and they pass quite easily and quickly. They can be fun if kept inside your brain and don't affect your behaviour i.e. Stalking on FB, thinking about them all the time etc. Esp the songs yetmorecrap, that does sound quite unthoughtful and indulgent of your DH.

Even when things are going well with DH I might still have a small crush. I'd never ever act on it or even say it out loud! It makes me feel young again 😂

Notmyrealname85 · 10/07/2017 20:54

Well you can file a lot of these under "he's just being professional"...

But.. I don't think people get real crushes unless there's chemistry tbh. So tell yourself he's just being professional and how useful that is to you and then...

Remember it's in your control. Half of your yearning is knowing if he'd reciprocate. Imagine he said he liked you, half the mystery is gone. Imagine he does like you - it's actually all in your control what you would do (i.e. Not go there!). When you realise you do have control, it helps somewhat.

Total sympathy for you tbh!

Notmyrealname85 · 10/07/2017 20:56

(Is not knowing if he'd reciprocate, should've said...!)

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