my brother's wife just told him she hates sex!

[chillyogawine]

Not sure where to start with this but thought I'd get some sane opinions from MN. Going thru my own marriage breakdown, I am leaning on family members and although I used to be very close to my bro, what with kids etc we have drifted apart. Anyway recently he has been a total rock of support to me. A couple of nights ago he confided in me that he was unhappy, he said he loves his wife (hes been pretty much infatuated with her since they first met and she knows he adores her) but she has always been physically very cold. She hates being touched by him. She is a warm and lovely person in every other way but even I have noted over the years when he goes to hug her she stiffens up. Anyway she has told him apparently several times that she finds sex a chore and a duty, something to tick off the to do list. I said well after so many years of marriage we all can feel like that, but he says that she doesn't even pretend to like it and when they do have sex its routine and bad. he was very open, they haven't French kissed for over 5 years, just peck on the lips/cheek, she doesn't let him do anything intimate except straight sex and its all about her and not him, so he says and she often has to get drunk before sex. He says the relationship works otherwise, they have kids and he is hands on and adores them and he earns the money, she doesn't work, and they have good friends. They never do anything just the two of them though, only with friends or as a family. He wants her and doesn't want to leave but feels so sad all the time. Again the other night she actually said that she hates sex full stop. I don't know if I am the right person to give advice as I am separating from a partner that cheated on me! I suggested counselling but she says she doesn't think they have a problem and she's happy as things are.

We go by the info given as with every post here. There's always another side of the story in any post here, and this is no different.

My DB confided in me when he was having marital problems before he got divorced. Of course I know that what he says is from his perspective, but I do not believe he would have any reason to lie to me, as I'm sure the OP feels.

It's not about sex being a trade off for paying bills, sex is part of a healthy marriage for most people. How many people would choose to even live with a flatmate that was cold towards them, much less a wife.

If a marriage isn't considered consummated without having sex, why do some people think it's just one parties decision to unilaterally stop having a sexual relationship once you're married, with no regard for how their spouse feels.

That's assuming there are no medical issues or any mistreatment going on.

Unless both parties choose to have a none sexual relationship, then you can see why it will be an issue.

Then such women (or men) act totally blindsided when their spouse leaves them for someone else.

Love is right there in the hierarchy of needs of human beings. Everyone has a different love language.

If a husband or wife just dismisses their spouse's needs, then be prepared for the consequences of that.

The problem is having only one income and getting divorced is costly.

Not to mention, you can't use a low sex drive as a reason for divorce... Even though there have been times in my relationship where we have only had sex twice in the space of a year. I feel old before my time.

I don't understand your point about wanting sex on her terms. Surely, we all want this. Whether we get it is a difffent matter!

What I meant was that (from what OP reports) she's selfish in bed - he has to get her "there" and she doesn't then give a toss about how pleasurable he's found it. Kind of like a guy banging away until he cums and then leaving his partner to sort herself out.

I get that we're only getting one side (pretty much always the case on here) but she sounds like a nasty, selfish piece of work. To tell your partner that you're repulsed by them...?

I would bet she's having an ea or full blown affair.

They're not sexually compatible.

Just as the rejection must be impacting your DB's MH, I can't imagine getting drunk to enable you to have sex with your H is having the best impact on his wife's MH either. There's nothing wrong in your DB's wife not wanting sex (it's her body), just like there's nothing wrong in your DB wanting sex in his marriage, the problem for both parties, is that they're in the wrong relationship to have those expectations.

He has to decide if the current situation is a dealbreaker. If it is, then he has to communicate this to her and be prepared to leave if nothing changes.

And to the poster who called the wife frigid, what an ugly misogynistic label that is. No one is entitled to sex with another person and marriage doesn't change that fact.

Well there is no medical reason. She pretty much went off sex soon after they married and over the past 6 or 7 years doesn't let him kiss her or touch her or hug her. She has told him outright that sex is a chore and an effort and she hates it. not dislike but hate, her words and doesn't like being touched. He loves her but probably could pay her more attention maybe. I've said I'd babysit for them but she always cancels me at the last minute. My brother is going to see a counsellor on his own as she said that she's happy and she can't help the way she is and that's that. Like it's ok to just say to your partner i don't want sex but that's your problem not mine. But yes think him getting counselling may help him understand himself, her and them as a couple better. Relationships are hard.