This is sooooo hard ...

[Giraffey1]

Sorry for the brain dump, but I have n one else to talk to.
I told my H mid March that I was very unhappy in our relationship, that I didn't love him anŷ more and that I thought we should split up. It all spilled out during a silly row and I've apologised many times for having told him such devastating news In a very bad way.
I've also told him I didn't plan for it to come out this way, that I had been a coward in not saying anything before - but that I hadn't wanted to h.urt him.
Truth is, I've not been happy for so long I can't remember what it is like to be. Intent in our relationship. We've not made love for years ( he has zero sex drive but doesn't see this as his issue, thinks it is down do may wanting to'be at it like rabbits'.)
He has not had a job for about 9 years and has. Ade no effort to look for one. If he was a house husband I'd be delighted, but he he does little to no housework. Any hoovering, cleaning of sinks etc seems to be left to me when I am not at work. I leave for work at around 6.45am most mornings and get home any time after 7.30pm. I have a long drive each way on motorways that are always chocca.
Tonight he had a meltdown at me. I am appalling, have completely ignored our wedding vows (for better, for worse, well what happened to tha) and a number of other choice adjectives.
He rightly complains I've dropped all this on him without any warning, but forgets the previous times I've tried to talk to him. How I have given up telling him what I really think and feel because he only takes it personally and gets upset.

Someone on here once asked me what I was getting from this relationship. I tried writing a list the other day and the only two things I could think of were that he took the bins out, and cooked me supper when I came home from work.
I'm thinking I need t o get out of here and give us both space. Oh, but guess who pays the mortgage?!!
Sorry, just needed to vent, thanks for listening.
Feel free to tell me if I'm ianunreasonable cow ....

I'd absolutely ditch him. Does he sit around all day if he's doing fuck all? You sound so much better off

You are not being an unreasonable cow...but you are being a martyr and a slave. Joan of Arc springs to mind reading your post. Marriage is supposed to be about pulling together and mucking in...he hasn't got a job, and he does few domestic chores...you can see what is in this marriage for you, and it is clearly not sex. Get some legal advice, sell the property and liquidate any assets as part of your divorce settlement. You will be better off financially without this leech in your life...and more than able to find a place to live (perhaps nearer work so you have some 'me' time?). Your divorce on the grounds of unreasonable behaviour (no job, no sex, no help at home) would very probably be a straight-forward matter and liberates you to a new life. You could even afford a cleaner then, and they can put your bins out!

This is just not sexy!! I'm amazed you would be interested, is he amazing looking or something? I would say sod this for a game of soldiers but it's clearly down to you, I can't see him leaving will make any difference, unless he has a trust fund or massive savings, he is contributing zilch financially as it is. You are not an unreasonable cow one bit. He is an ungrateful tw**

I mean 'what is in this marriage for him'...it has been a long day!

You've wasted so many years on him. Do you really want to waste even more? You know what you need to do.

Sorry, what? Why the fuck have you been there as long as you have? He's a moron if he thinks you're unreasonable. Lazy git.

Girrafey: I have been where you are. SAHD by choice (made no effort to get a job, even a part time one). I would have been happy for him to be at home had he made the most of it and actually enjoyed it (I worked from home so was always present when the kids were around and a very hands on mum outside of work hours). But he became miserable, totally removed himself from his friends and family. He tried to do a few things, but gave up after a few weeks. He was quite good at housework, kept the house spotless, he became OCD about everything. I guess it was his only focus so he threw everything into that.

He became a bit depressed, drank a lot, was very inpatient with me and the kids and over the last three years became more and more emotionally abusive. It was hell in the last 18 months. Now I am a hugely empathetic person, during this time I made him a GP appointment, he was put on anti depressants but didn't get a repeat prescription or return to his GP when they ran out. Didn't feel like he needed them. I encouraged him to go out, leave the housework etc. I would have been happy, so long as he was happy, he wasn't.

He got very insecure, projected his low self worth onto me, I became almost a prisoner in my own home because every action I did meant I had him in my head wondering if he would get pissed or angry with me. It was suffocating.

So 12weeks or so ago, I told him it was over, and a week later left with the kids. I left him in the house, which I still pay for, because I knew he would never leave or sort himself out enough to provide a good place for the boys. Its been really tough, he has been very erratic but things (fingers crossed) look like they are settling down.

A relationship should be a partnership where both sides feel supported and loved. Your husband does not show you that. He is probably stuck in a complete rut, and he wants you to help him find a way out of that, but you ain't his mother. The last year before I left I really made an effort to make him feel better about himself, to intitiate sex more, to be more jokey and light with him. It made him worse, it gave me my answer. If you want to make it work, put 100% into it. If you don't you know what you need to do.

Good luck.

So he's complaining that you just dropped this on him...but what did he think was going to happen? How could he possibly imagine that you were happy with no sex, a cocklodging husband who didn't work or clean the house and what sounds like zero communication?

Did he just think you would put up with it forever? Why? What kind of background does he have that would make him think this is an acceptable way to behave?

Thanks for the plain speaking, everyone. I think the problem is that I have been doing the drip feed compromise over the years to the extent I'm now suffocating. You don't realise at the time what's happening - but the cumulative effect is very damaging.
I think H exists in a small bubble where low self esteem and absolutely zero self awareness, along with his passion for music, is all there is room for. Not once has he said since I told him it was over, that he loved me. Nor has he asked if there was something he could do differently to make him change his mind. He just projects everything onto me so it all becomes my fault.
Last night he was complaining that he has no family or friends he can go to for support. I tried to say that I understood, that this wasn't my fault, but that it couldn't be a factor in deciding how I felt. I long to tell him it is time he took some responsibility for himself, for the trail of failed friendships and family relationships he has left in his wake, for getting a job and getting a life. But I don't see the point because he Just Won't Get It.
I truly don't understand how he thinks that no sex / no job / no housework etc is a recipe for happiness! I don't know that there is anything in his background to make him this way inclined, but he has always been 'always right' and has expected most things to just drop in his lap with no effort on his part.
As for his comment about just dropping the bombshell, he has clearly forgotten the previous conversations / arguments we have had.

It has not helped that when we first got together, he told me it was important for me to tell him what I was thinking and feeling. Trouble was, when I did, he always took it personally, would get upset and make me feel the bad person for having a different view or opinion. It made me go back into my shell and avoid confrontation.
This morning he told me he is moving into the spare room. Frankly, whether we share a bed or not seems to be immaterial given that nothing ever happens in it! But I think it is probably a good thing as it is another step in the separation journey.
At the weekend, I am off to see my girl friends back where I used to live. They know we are splitting up but not the detail. I think I will end up moving back there, and they might be willing to lend me a spare bedroom or garage to help out in the short term. It would be closer to work too, and would mean I wouldn't have to start my new life on completely new turf, if that makes sense.
Thanks everyone, for listening and replying, really helps.

Good luck

Hi OP again: he;s conditioned you into not talking about how you feel, he told you to open up, then when you did he reacts badly so you find it difficult to do again. I have been there I know how you feel. His low self worth is not your problem. He is projecting onto you.

How long have you been together, so you have kids? I think you know what you need to do and it will be tough believe me, as it seems from what you say you do love him. But honestly he won't change, he might do after you leave.

My EX has suddenly realised after 12 weeks that he needs to stop drinking, he has lost a stone in weight and telling me all the right things, fact is too much damage has been done. i wasn't worth it when we lived together, his fear is driving his change. If he changes for good, that is great for his next partner, but its too late for me, so much damage has been done.

Good luck.

Pudding21, I am sorry you are going thru similar pain, but I am glad you've taken the steps that are right for your children.
I don't love him any more, I haven't for a long time. A lot of the time I don't even like him as he is very critical of other people, can be racist and is always right.
We don't have children, but have two dogs and two cats. The cats are really his, and it was his choice to have the dogs (we never discussed this, it just 'happened' as he decided it was going to happen). They are. Nearly 12 and 9 respectively and TBH leaving them will be the hardest thing.
He has suffered from depression in the past but denies it and won't accept he needs any help. He refuses to even register with a GP never mind see one, and relies on an acupuncturist for anything medical. This has just added to the challenges or sharing a life.
Think you are right about how someone else's low self esteem gets projected onto the other partner - we find ourselves being made responsible for everything and anything that goes wrong.
I have suggested we get people in to do the DIY stuff that needs doing and he rejects this, saying it will cost money (!) and that it will mean he will have to tidy up, and it won't, apparently, feel like home if someone else does the work. The work he has left unfinished for years ...
I have said I will move out if that helps him get his act together. No, he isn't going to force me to do that, he says.
I've suggested he take himself off for a week and visit friends to get some space and perspective. But no, that will cost money, and how will it help.
I've tried. I've tried really hard. But he really has to sort himself out and I'm done with it.

Sounds an awful situation, however you're looking forward now and starting to formulate a plan which is positive.
I have don't have any real knowledge about this type of situation, however I would strongly suggest you get legal advice before moving out without a agreement in place. You would not want to find yourself in the situation of having to continue to pay mortgage etc, living a distance away and then trying to arrange to sell the property.
Best of luck

Sorry you are going through this OP. But it really does sound like you will be much better off without him - he's just lashing out as he's probably hurt and has realised how much worse off he will be without you!

So... no job, no contributions to housework or finances, no affection... What did he expect to happen? And what does he actually DO all day?

Glad you are seeing some girl friends this weekend.

You don't love him, you admitted that so you know you are doing the right thing. I still love my EX, we were together 21 years, leaving someone you love because of their awful behaviour despite loving them was the hardest thing I ever did.

So will you leave the cats and take the dogs? I had to leave my cat behind as essentially she is more his cat than mine (she is very loyal to him and I felt I had to leave him something). it was hard, but that wasn't the hardest part about leaving.

The hardest part has been the guilt and missing someone who has been a huge part of all my adult life, like you he has few friends (although a few have rallied round him), doesn't have a great relationship with his family, has no job, minimal prospects. My advice would be to be as kind as possible, unconfrontational and know what you are doing is the right thing. Keep a diary etc. Good luck.

GreenFingers - what does he do all day? I think he mostly sits and listens to his beloved music, or sits on the computer searching out CDs to buy. He buys stuff pretty much every day, I think it's a bit of an addiction for him. I've not said anything recently about this except to point out it is an expensive time of the year with twins car services, my car MOT and car tax all due. Has he stopped ordering stuff? No. But I am keeping shtum for now because I don't want any more rows and he will have to change his behaviour soon enough.
He takes the dogs out for a walk but only once. I will hate to leave them behind but I work all day so it wouldn't be fair on them. And he wanted the dogs, he needs to be responsible for him. That will include the vet bills and insurance payments.
I am trying my best to stay cool and calm, to be non confrontational and get past this stage with the least amount of stress, pain and angst .. on both sides. He m trying to be kind too as I feel that's important. My mum said the same thing. He isn't making it easy right now but I will persevere.
I've not booked my free half hour with a solicitor yet but I may well do so soon.
Pudding21, am interested in the diary suggestion. What sort of things should I be recording?

When I left I started to document how I felt about everything, all the emotions I was feeling. I started to realise quite how controlling he had been and how much my head had been fucked with. I wrote daily at first and now probably every week or so when the shit hits the fan again.

I just had a very difficult hour phone conversation with him, so I will document that and just what happened and how I felt. He did the whole call me, then hang up. So I was worried he was drinking again, so stupidly I called him. He clearly isn't listening to me but for me its trickier to disconnect because we have the kids. It might go smoothly, but expect him to fall into a complete heap and beg you to come back when you do finally leave. Make sure you are certain in your head why you are leaving, write all the reasons down. Keep it clear as it can all get a bit foggy along the way.

I think I am co-dependent which is making it hard for me to detach, but I am trying as much as possible and not beat myself up about the process. Essentially I do love him, care about him, despite him being a shit a lot of the time (and nice the rest). Its hard to undo that connection, but perfectly possible. I know it was the right choice and in 2 years time hopefully can look back and be confident in that decision.

I am sorry this is so long. But I don't know where else to let it out.
You know, for years and years I used to keep a diary. Quite soon after we got married I went on a pre-arranged holiday with my long-standing .girl friends to NewZealand. When I came back, to cut a long story short, I found out he had been reading my diary. I was so shocked.- I trusted him Nd he read my private thoughts!
I feel so wrung out tonight. I've been abroad for work. Got up at 4.15am on Thursday to get the flight. Got home today at about 8pm. He has gone to a friend to stay the night. I have no idea he is or how my husband knows him. Got home to find all the kitchen services cluttered and dirty. The sink was full of dirty stuff. There were pots and pans and cups etc from Wednesday all waiting to be washed up. Plus stuff he had used yesterday and today while I had been away.
I went upstairs. He had done sorting in the spare bedroom which he used like a walk-in wardrobe, with his clothes piled, several feet deep, on the double bed. I had a laundry basket full of stuff for ironing. He had left the contents on our bed in a very large bag. This split when I tried to move it off the bed.
So I I did all the tidying up and cleaning in the kitchen and the washing up. Not about being a martyr, but about being unable to stand the mess and needing to clear up so I could make me some supper.
Because the clothes were all over the bed, I sorted them out. Three bin bags went to the car for charity, the remainder I bagged to take with me.
No messages on any of my phones or the home landline. Then at 9.30pm the phone rings. I am on the loo! Answerphone message f on him in really cold tone asking why I have not replied to any of his messages or texts. What meeages and texts? None on any of my three phones!
I call him and he is pretty vile, talking over me as usual and not listening to what I am saying. Why haven't I replied to his messages? Why has the vet not called? (Why would I know? I have been in Germany!). I ask him why he has not called the vet to chase up on the blood tests as obviously I cannot do this and I did suggest to him he should do this).I am in the middle of telling him I will try ringing tomorrow and he hangs up on me. This makes me so angry. WTF does this achieve?
I ring back and in my mission as peacemaker and being the better person ignore the fact he has Jung up on m. But he says he has hung up because I am 'having a go at him'. His favourite phrase.
He is being so vile! I know I have pulled the comfy rug from under him but he is 57 for god's sake, not 7!
I can't go on like this. It is neither right nor fair.

Phoning him all those times was insane. Him hanging up on you not you hanging up on him is insane.

You are not a peacemaker. You are permitting a vile man to be vile. You are making it easy for him. You are not stopping him. That is not peace making.

You are not having a go at him but I don't understand why not. You bloody should be. It is interesting that you treat it like was an insult as if having a go at him would be a bad thing.

Get him out of your house.

Rabbit (hope you don't mind the abbreviation) ....
I only rang him twice, not sure why you thought it was 'all those times'.
Probably one time too many though as he has form for this - has hung up with n lots of people in the past! Like he thinks this is clever.
. I am bending over backwards to be as pleasant as possible because in the short term I have to be here every day ....am I doing the wrong thing?
Get him out of the house? How?

Stop being pleasant. He isn't worth it.

Do not clear any of his mess and do not engage when he is like this

I understand you feel guilty and want to keep the peace - but stop. He will use any opportunity to make you suffer 'like he is'. So just dial it back, communicate only when necessary and STOP clean g up his mess! You can give the place a heart scrub once he's out if you want, but he's punishing you and you are allowing yourself to feel punished. A breezy 'yeah, right', and leaving his crap where it falls is the only way to go, I'm afraid!

Sorry for the typos - it's early and my eyes didn't work before 10!

In your shoes I'd, close any joint bank accounts. I would not fund anything of his lifestyle he can buy cds using is own income.

Go see a solicitor.

Clear out the house. Put it on the market and begin divorce proceedings.

Why on earth are you running around after him letting him be abusive to you and treat you like his personal slave and cash point?