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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

This is sooooo hard ...

40 replies

Giraffey1 · 26/04/2017 00:29

Sorry for the brain dump, but I have n one else to talk to.
I told my H mid March that I was very unhappy in our relationship, that I didn't love him anŷ more and that I thought we should split up. It all spilled out during a silly row and I've apologised many times for having told him such devastating news In a very bad way.
I've also told him I didn't plan for it to come out this way, that I had been a coward in not saying anything before - but that I hadn't wanted to h.urt him.
Truth is, I've not been happy for so long I can't remember what it is like to be. Intent in our relationship. We've not made love for years ( he has zero sex drive but doesn't see this as his issue, thinks it is down do may wanting to'be at it like rabbits'.)
He has not had a job for about 9 years and has. Ade no effort to look for one. If he was a house husband I'd be delighted, but he he does little to no housework. Any hoovering, cleaning of sinks etc seems to be left to me when I am not at work. I leave for work at around 6.45am most mornings and get home any time after 7.30pm. I have a long drive each way on motorways that are always chocca.
Tonight he had a meltdown at me. I am appalling, have completely ignored our wedding vows (for better, for worse, well what happened to tha) and a number of other choice adjectives.
He rightly complains I've dropped all this on him without any warning, but forgets the previous times I've tried to talk to him. How I have given up telling him what I really think and feel because he only takes it personally and gets upset.

Someone on here once asked me what I was getting from this relationship. I tried writing a list the other day and the only two things I could think of were that he took the bins out, and cooked me supper when I came home from work.
I'm thinking I need t o get out of here and give us both space. Oh, but guess who pays the mortgage?!!
Sorry, just needed to vent, thanks for listening.
Feel free to tell me if I'm ianunreasonable cow ....

OP posts:

Cricrichan · 29/04/2017 08:51

What fuzzy said! I'm speechless.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 29/04/2017 14:10

Both of your phone calls were inappropriate. He left the house a state, then left a message brimming with lies about contacting you. Now if you had called him back to shout "this why we are getting divorced you cunt" before hanging up then that would be reasonable. But you engaged with his shit and even stayed on the line when he was being vile.

Get him out of the house. Step 1 see a solicitor. Ideally one who specialises in domestic abuse.

You have told him you are getting divorced. It won't happen unless you make it happen. Which means putting your mental energy into getting yourself to a solicitor etc instead of putting the energy into trying to understand why he is a total cunt to you.

Why have you not seen a solicitor? What is stopping you?

kaitlinktm · 29/04/2017 16:17

Disengage from him as much as possible - what are you gaining by being nice apart from giving him a massive superiority complex and making yourself a massive target. I would be inclined to show him what it's really like when someone "has a go at him":

You left the house a pigsty - thanks for that
How can I ring the vet (about the dogs YOU wanted) when I am abroad?
Putting the phone down doesn't mean you're right - it just means you're being a nob.
Why do you keep buying yourself more CDs?

Also, what messages was he talking about - had he left any or was he delusional.

I really do feel that you will feel better when you have seen a solicitor (even if you have to pay) and then you will know where you are - what your rights are and what you can expect. You can ask stuff about if he is reluctant to leave the house etc and when you know your stuff, you will be in a better position to not put up with his superior shit.
Try and let it glide off you. I agree with PP that you shouldn't be tempted to move out - that house will never be ready for sale if he is there alone.

Get that SHL booked for straight after the bank holiday!

Original poster

Giraffey1 · 03/05/2017 00:42

Thanks for the replies, everyone. Not ignoring your words, have just been away for a few days and not on line much.
I have not been to a solicitor yet but I am planning to do so. I am trying to find our if my works employee assistance programme covers this for free. If it does, I will go this route for advice. If not, I have recommendations for a couple of good family law solicitors locally and I will be getting my free half hour, and maybe more depending on what I decide.
I have spent the bank holiday weekend with my girlfriends and I've decided I am def not moving out. He will not get his backside into gear unless I am here to put the pressure on. They all have garage space that they have offered me so I can store stuff, and spare bedrooms that are mine to use any time I like. I plan to get as much of my stuff shifted out (then he really won't have a leg to stand on when he says half the mess is mine!) in stages.
I've realise if don't have very much in the way of furniture .... a bed (but I am going to dump the mattress) that dismantles ... a couple of bedside cabinets ... a couple of book cases ..... a small pine table, two chairs, and a dining room style table and four chairs. ... a dressing table and stool ... pretty much everything else is just ad hoc stuff like cheap chests of drawers etc that I will be happy to junk.
I've realised that most of the furniture I had when we moved in has gone and the remains stuff like sofas and music cabinets are his. There are a couple of bits we bought together, but most of that I don't care about either.
I'm going to tell him I want one of the pianos, and the John Lewis coffee table. But I think that's all. I want to go and be free of all his clutter and mismatched stuff and just start, pretty much, again. And have what l like and want.
All this will make removing my possessions a lot easier, I think.

Thanks for listening, if you've made it this far!

A lot of my next steps will be taking place this weekend as he is going away for three days. You can be damned sure that I will get a lot more done in that time than he managed to do while I was away last weekend!

OP posts:

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 03/05/2017 10:36

Good for you. Best of luck.

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 11:16

Girl, I just don't get it. I really don't get why you would put up with this abject and total, entire, waste of space person. Where did you learn all that? Who taught you you had to do that?

You say your mission is to be a peacemaker and to be the better person. That would possibly be appropriate if you're in any relationship with a sane and ordinary person who pulls their weight, emotionally and practically, but who has their flaws eg they're trying their best. Whereas he is nothing but a leach and makes no attempt to even try, let alone try his best. He has no intention of trying. He's like a giant goblin baby in nappies dominating your house and your life, going waaaa waaaa and gimme gimme.

He's moved out to the spare bedroom - was that meant to be a punishment?? Hahaha what a joke! He is bleeding you dry, all the while acting like he's gods gift and you'd be lucky to have him. He's a total joke.

But you let him, and abase yourself over and over. Where did you learn that? Genuine q. Do you belong to a faith that teaches peace, love, forbearance? The faith I belong to says do not cast your pearls before swine - or, to quote directly,

Do not give dogs what is sacred; do not throw your pearls to pigs. If you do, they may trample them under their feet, and turn and tear you to pieces.

That about sums up your situ op. He is a pig of a man.

You say you're leaving him his stuff... but who paid for 'his' stuff? Where did he get the money from to buy two pianos? What is he living off? Rhetorical q. But do have a look at what you've actually paid for, which makes it yours.

Original poster

Giraffey1 · 03/05/2017 12:46

Not sure that I have said anywhere that is my mission to be the peacemaker. I certainly don't feel I have any such mission. I cannot, however, change the kind of person that I am,. And I accept that this has contributed to the position in which I now find myself - in that I have always avoided confrontation and no doubt, acted as an unwitting enabler for his behaviour.
Springdaffs (great user name btw), I do get what you and others are saying and it is encouraging me to take a more dispassionate view of things.
I will make sure I walk out of here with everything to which I am entitled ...

OP posts:

springydaffs · 03/05/2017 20:22

On 28 April at 2329 you wrote:
I ring back and in my mission as peacemaker and being the better person ignore the fact he has Jung up on m.

Direct c+p! You said it, girl

I don't mean to make you feel ashamed, just to call you out on how you're erm encouraging his behaviour by being passive and 'kind' and bending over backwards for this complete pisstaker him. He is appalling! And you're so focused on not upsetting him he's running rings around you.

H exists in a small bubble where low self esteem and absolutely zero self awareness,
oh my dear he is very aware of what he is doing. Very. Low self-esteem? pah. His self esteem is rocket high - look at the cosy deal he's got for himself.

I am trying my best to stay cool and calm, to be non confrontational and get past this stage with the least amount of stress, pain and angst .. on both sides. He will be very very upset his little nest - that you're paying for through the nose with your very life - is going to be taken away from him, so don't kid yourself there's any way to ease it for him. As it is, you are paying the full price in extraordinary stress and unhappiness - and have been for some time - in order to keep things stress, pain and angst free for him.

It's war you're facing here: killed or be killed. He has every intention of killing you, as you have seen.

I'm sorry to be so blunt, though. I appreciate you find this whole thing very hard

Original poster

Giraffey1 · 04/05/2017 22:06

Ha! I see I've been hoist by my own petard there - I see i did use the 'mission' word, but I honestly don't feel it is my mission to be a peacemaker, or whatever. I think it is more about the habit I've got into over the years of avoiding confrontation , without realising just how entrenched the habit has become.
He does live in his own little bubble and entirely lacks any self awareness. This means he has no notion of how others see him, or his actions. This is made worse by his inability to admit he might actually be wrong. I think he too has got into habits which have made him very lazy and unmotivated. Not that he can see this, of course.
I'm trying really hard focus on me and what I want, and thinking about the steps I need to be taking. I know it is time for me to stop being his mother!!!

OP posts:

springydaffs · 04/05/2017 22:37

You paying for all his toys might have something to do with his 'lazy habits'. As well as running around after him, clearing up and tidying up behind little coochy coo.

You've got to do something about your fear of confrontation op. It's contorting your life! You're not alone with this btw - ie think there's a name for it. Ie it's a thing. How do I say this... you've got it baaad.

springydaffs · 04/05/2017 22:42