I don't know what's wrong with me

[bluebells29]

I've NC for this. Mainly because it's possibly identifying and I'm frankly just feeling ashamed of myself. I really need some help.
I got pregnant with my on/off partner (not a massively long relationship, but I'm sure he's the only man I've ever loved) when I was in my mid 20s. At the time I was skint, unemployed (highly qualified but depression since finishing uni meant I couldn't hold down a job), I was living on a mattress in my mums house. Partner was the one good thing in my life. I'm ashamed to say it but I wasn't particularly careful then. I was in a terrible headspace anyway but maybe I on some level wanted a baby, just someone to love, or something to focus on. Or a way to keep him in my life. He was probably a narc, was never this great guy I thought he was at the time, but I just couldn't see it. So I was pregnant and while I went through the motions of attending the abortion clinic I just couldn't go through with it. Even though it wasn't the right time for me at all, I couldn't abort my baby. My mum and sister were supportive (family is also very pro life and I didn't really have other friends at the time). I went through the pregnancy alone- partner wanted nothing to do with it- got back into work, had the baby, lived with my mum the first 6 months then finally landed a better job and was able to move into my own flat with dd. We have been ok financially since then. She is now just over 2.

But as work has got better and I've been promoted, as I've made new friends, my depression has really deepened. I feel like I've been shell shocked since my pregnancy. Just getting through life. When dd was a baby I often just couldn't cope. I'd shout or cry or even feel real resentment towards her. Now she is a beautiful, incredibly clever toddler and I still feel like I'm shocked. Like if I could go back and change getting pregnant, I would. My friends are all getting married, having babies with men they love, doing great in their careers, travelling. I am completely dependent on my mother for childcare who herself is very manipulative and quite narc- I can see that now because I've been trying for so long to read self help books and understand why I threw away my life and why I was so desperate. I feel like I will never have true happiness. I hate myself for saying this because I should feel so lucky for having dd but most of the time I don't. I wish i was free. God I feel terrible for saying this. I love her so much but I hate my life.

I recently met a man by chance who I really like. I never thought I'd meet anyone again who I genuinely liked. I've seen him 3 times and slept with him and I haven't told him I'm a mother. I feel so guilty, I don't know why I haven't told him but it's like my mental health must have massively declined again to be avoiding the conversation like that. I don't know if he will be ok with it or not but I feel guilty for denying her. It's just been so nice to not have to be a mother or have that "single Mum" label hanging over me for once. I'm such a shit person. Sorry this is just rambling. I don't know how to fix myself. I just need someone to tell me it'll be ok.

You dont want him to know because u hold such harsh judgements against yourself, there is nothing shameful about being a single mother, infact you should be proud.
Sounds like you have had a rough time but those are the times that make us, remember; once you hit rock bottom the only way is up. You should hold your head high and be thankful that your life seems to be on the up. Maybe the damage caused by the people you have been surrounded with have had a massive impact on how you view yourself but seems to me like things have have been thrown at you and you have handled it all the best you could. It is a shock having a child but your child is number 1 now and you need to give her the best possible life you can provide. I would advise you to speak to your doc/ councillor about your feelings regarding being a mother as they will help you get some perspective on your life and your emotions. Best of luck to you and your dd, and take it all in your stride x

Thankyou tired. I never thought I saw it as shameful, I thought I was a feminist. But I know I haven't felt right since I was pregnant. I feel lost.

You have done wonderfully well to bring your daughter up alone and that's really admirable. But now you need to take care of yourself. Go to your GP and tell her how unhappy you are, and how depressed. Ask for help. You are not lost, you have just gone a bit astray, that's all, and with the right help all will be well.

Have you ever thought maybe you could be suffering from PND? I know some women who didn't realise they had it until their children were 7/8 years old.

You're so brave for saying (typing) all that out. It must feel good to get off your chest.

You clearly love your DD.

And you seem to have met a nice guy. If he is a nice guy then he may be a little shocked but if you explain to him how you have to us then he might be fine with it.

If he says it's a dealbraker then he obviously isn't right for you.

I know it seems so hard now but I think we're only given what we can handle in life.

Sending you virtual hugs OP

I think sometimes we're astonished by things like depression and PND and low self-esteem. How can this happen to us? Well, let's look at the evidence:

You finished uni, couldn't find work, spiralled into depression, went to live with your mum.
You met a narc and embarked on a poor relationship
You got pg, he disappeared
You had a baby, worked your arse off to care for that baby, sorted out work, sorted out a flat, sorted out everything
As a consequence, your 'world' has narrowed - am I right? You work, take care of the baby, don't really see very many other people?
Meantime former friends are moving on with their lives in what you feel is the 'right' order
You've met a man and just for once, you want to have a bit of fun so you haven't told him you're a parent, which is making you feel guilty.

Woman, I'd be on my knees by now. You're a motherfucking superhero and it's small wonder you're depressed/questioning your life/just really bloody tired.

Continuing to develop this relationship while not mentioning your daughter isn't a good way forward, but you know this or you wouldn't be posting. I too suspect you have PND and that it's an entirely understandable reaction to your circumstances. I think a trip to the gp or some counselling would help you start to take back a little bit of control.

But you're amazing. Seriously, you are.

Thankyou to above posters. Yes it does feel good to say it all, but I also feel sooo ashamed reading it back. I hate the fact that in order to explain properly why I held this info back, I will have to be really open and show this guy i barely know a side of myself that I don't like. He will probably just think I'm a total crazy person and shit mother, and maybe I am. I should have just been fucking honest. Today I am feeling so low if I could go back in time I would.
I think I've had PND since before dd was born. My family is very wary of social services for some reason (not sure why, we never had any involvement from them) and have scared me off asking for mental help.

Thankyou so much Lonny. Your post meant a lot. Seriously.
No way will I continue to withhold this from the guy I just wish I could make him understand it without freaking him out. I fuck everything up.

Ach, it's only been three dates, it's OK to hold some things back.

SS aren't there for hard-working, tired, single parents who put their child first last and centre, my darling. They're certainly not there for people with depression, whether it's post-natal or not...

I was really worried about SS when I realised I had PND and didn't tell anyone for months. I have had help from my GP and councelling and the HV has been supportive. Not once we're SS mentioned. Hope that eases your mind.

And I totally agree with Lonny - You are a mother fucking superhero ❤

You sound amazing op. I wish i had done any of the brilliant things you have

Wow, we have very similar circs. How old are you OP?

I think I'm a few years ahead of you (add to the single parent of one child an abusive marriage after that, 2 more DC's, a divorce and a horrible addictio and you'll get a glimpse!) so I want to give you some advice. I wish I could go back and tell my 25 year old self the same...

You are brilliant. You didn't give up on your DD. You love her and I can 100 per cent tell you she loves you. It's hard and draining and scary. You have a job! And a flat! You have done so well. Your friends needed partners to take those leaps but you've done it yourself. Amazing. The fact you haven't told your new guy is nothing. Nothing. Don't beat yourself up about it. I'm sure he's not opened up his life to you either. Tell him when you are ready but don't be ashamed either way. You don't owe him an explanation. If he's bothered by your DD he can go fuck himself.

You need to start looking at yourself, not from the critical point of view of the self but what others see. You are strong and resilient and clever and attractive and a fighter. I'm 37 now and I'm only just starting to realise that I'm not perfect but I'm not shot either. I'm right where I need to be. You will be fine.

You can never have good mental health when you are trapped in a narc's web.

I would gently suggest to you that your only focus should be getting yourself away from your mother. You won't be ready for a decent romantic relationship until you are free of her influence.

Your mother destroyed your mental health. You are giving her the opportunity to do the same to your daughter. You have to stop that.

You might want to Google daughters of narcissist mother's. There are many resources out there. You are not alone.

Gertrude, I'm 28. I'm really sorry to hear about the time you've had. You must be incredibly strong. I would've just crumbled under all that.

Thanks for the words of confidence. I have been beating myself up internally over so many things it is crazy to read people saying that I shouldn't be feeling this way. This has been my normal for ages. I find that I always either intentionally or unintentionally seem to come across as a weak person to others because of my circumstances and that's what has brought me to this pass because recently I can't believe I've now just started to neglected to mention I'm a Mum. I'm a liar and an idiot. I don't want to be it felt like self preservation like so many things do. But I know it's a symptom of a wider thing I need to sort. I think this guy is nice but tbh I don't really know him yet, I guess that's why I'm protecting myself like this. I've never asked him any wuestions about his past. That's not an excuse I know. It seems like he likes me a lot but in my own head once he knows this he will just forget all that. I guess I do feel really ashamed. I had low self esteem my whole life anyway. I hate it because on paper I seem to be doing well and I am independent. But inside I'm just a mess.

I don't know how to get away from my mother. I rely on her to enable me to work for at least the next year or so. I want so much to distance myself. And I want to go to gp I just don't know what they can do. I don't think I want anti depressants. I think counselling might help me.

Can I say, its absolutely fine not to mention you have a child to a stranger, you shouldn't feel guilty and should absolutely enjoy your dating without worrying. If the guy is worthy, he gets full disclosure when you're ready. Then its his choice how he feels. My DP had no idea until at least a month or so of dating that I was a mum.

Lesismjserable you have no idea how much less shit that made me feel. I felt like the worst person in the world.

I'm glad you feel a bit better. All good parents feel a whole range of guilt, why? Because ultimately even on their worst days they love their children and care about them and how life's twist and turns affects them.

bluebells29

Tell you what. You a bloody sight stronger than what you think or perceive yourself to be . After what you've been through its a wonder your not raving away baying at the blinking Moon;!

A bit of latent PND wouldn't be surprising at all, are you speaking to a medical professional about it at all? I think you should. That dosent mean you'll be labeled with anything but it would be I think beneficial to you to even talk to someone would be good.

and Mr Right maybe?.

OK just tell him, you don't have to tell anyone all about yourself by date 3 if he's a decent bloke then he'll accept this, if not or he throws a wobbly then he's not the man for you.

If i were in his position hearing what you've coped with I'd be well impressed to hear it all, shows what a strong lady you are!.

So stick that in yer pipe and smoke it - as my olde gran would have said!

But you're amazing. Seriously, you are.

This.

I'm not just saying it. You express yourself extremely well if your op is anything to go by. It was a 'joy' to read - iyswim - bcs you have great clarity.

What stands out to me is a theme of regret - you wish you hadn't become a mum, you wish you'd told your bloke you're a mum: you wish you could turn back time. You don't trust your judgements and think you constantly fuck up. You don't fuck up but I appreciate that's how you feel at the mo.

If your mum is difficult then your lifelong depression would have something (a lot) to do with that. Also, troubling childhood issues can rear up when we become parents ourselves...

Yes to going to the gp and ask for specialist counselling re your conflicted feelings about being a mother. You're far from alone with that btw.

I would also suggest you get some private therapy - take a look at the BACP site, click 'find a therapist' to get a list of therapists in your area. Have a good look at each profile, narrow it down to therapists you like the look of, contact them. Many offer a sliding fee scale, just ask, if £ is an issue for you. However, having a trained professional in your corner is worth its absolute weight and worth making sacrifices for..

I have nothing but compassion and admiration for you. You may feel you're a fuck up but it's very clear from the little you've said that you are far from a fuck up. You do remarkably well considering all you are dealing with

(I also agree you don't need to be telling this guy you're a mother - it's none of his business, for a start.)

Sorry, not good advice re therapy. I suggested private therapy if nhs therapy takes a while to come through, which is likely. If at all tbh. Nhs mh funding is practically nonexistent. You will be offered eg cbt which teaches good baseline mh skills but you need more specialist and focused therapy. Hence pay for your own therapy to get the ball rolling.

OP
One thing that comes off the page like a mile-wide neon sign is how horribly cruel to yourself you are. Which makes me wonder exactly how cruel your mother had been to you.

You are not s horrible person. Not telling a man you've been on 3 dates with that you're a mother does not make you a liar. You owe him nothing.

You do not fuck everything up - you have s degree, you've had several promotions, you run your own house, you have a happy healthy 2 year old daughter. None of that is 'fucking up'.

You are not a fuck up but I highly suspect you allow individuals to stay in your life who tell you in one fashion or another that you ARE a fuck up and you are internalising that message.

I'm 14 years on from you. I have s narc mother. I've had one abusive relationship after another, I've had my heart absoliutely torn to shreds, I'vd had crippiling depression, anxiety and insomnia since 18 (on and off), I've had s break down, I've teetered on the edge of alcoholism for years, I have two wonderful children to two different fathers, one of them has a disability, I home educate, I am completely reliant on benefits - I am STILL not a fuck up.

Get thee to a good therapist, get your mother out of your life (best gift my mother ever gave me).

You're going to be ok.

As for this new man -please tread carefully because your wankbadger radar will be broken, a guarantee courtesy of your childhood. You''be already had one wankbadger, don't get another. Give Women's Aid a call and see if they have The Freedom Programme in your area, if they don't you can do it online. Read Lundy Bancroft, Susan Forward, the Out Of The Fodg website, the Stately Homes thread here, any good book on The Drama Triangle. All this will help you to bolster your self esteem, iron out the horribly creased thought processes you have about yourself, help you understand the dynamics of abusivd relationships, help you to understand how you function within abusive interactions and how to operate within a new different framework so manipulators do not yank your chain, give you a group of supportive individuals who have been through the crucible of narc parents and have come out the other side.

Be kind to yourself

Great post doidont

Thanks to all pps. I've been re reading responses and thinking about this a lot. I feel like I've been trying to figure out for years why I have such shit self esteem and why I feel so desperate to please others or always blame myself. Literally in almost every situation I find myself assuming the fault lies with me. I am so bad at being assertive because I am so scared of what the consequences will be from other people. I think my mum was very abusive in hindsight as even as an adult she tries to massively affect my emotions so that what she sees as the "right" outcome happens. she has made me very dependent on her since I had dd and while I'm so grateful for her help I almost wonder whether without it, though my life would be much harder, I might feel more confident about myself and just be able to stick up for myself. I went through such scary times telling various people I was pregnant. My boss at the time (it was a fairly new job), my dad, my dd's father. I don't know why I was so ashamed of it. I still am, I guess by simply avoiding the convo with this new guy I am going back to my "comfort zone" of denial and fear. Maybe, as one pp has said, it might actually be a sign of my twat radar going off, maybe I can sense that his reaction wouldn't be good or that he's not a safe person for me. I hope not as I like him but it's only just really occurred to me. I have been trying for some time now to get wiser to dangerous people and to trust my instincts.
Honestly people telling me it's ok that I haven't told him about dd yet has been a weight off my shoulders. I will bring it up when I next see him, I don't want to have to have a heavy conversation and make myself sound like a victim, but I do want him to know that I am self protecting for a reason and that things have been hard for me. Until you guys have said on this thread I never really counted all the things that I have actually done well. I never feel proud of myself. Just this constant underlying shame like I'm living the wrong life or like I'm not equal to other, single childless women my age.
I don't understand the mess of my feelings.
Sorry for another ramble!

Reminds me so this little ditty;

"They fuck you up your mum and dad
they don't mean to but they do;(

They give you all of their faults and some
especially for you!"

Bluebells - it ain't your fault really it isn't.

But you just need convincing on that with a right professionals involved you can change all that. Have a word with your GP for a start and keep posting as much as you like on here:-).

Ramble on as much as you like. Its what MN is here for!

Do not reveal all to him. If he is a twat you are giving away far too much information for him to use to his advantage.

If you feel you need to tell him you're a mum just tell him - in casual conversation and not in an apologetic way because you have nothing to apologise for.

The way you describe your fears and hang ups is exactly how you have described me: frightened to piss people off. This makes you very vulnerable so to protect yourself please do not give away your weaknesses to someone you barely know. A master manipulator will know exactly how to use that information and you will be played.