I don't know what's wrong with me

[bluebells29]

I've NC for this. Mainly because it's possibly identifying and I'm frankly just feeling ashamed of myself. I really need some help.
I got pregnant with my on/off partner (not a massively long relationship, but I'm sure he's the only man I've ever loved) when I was in my mid 20s. At the time I was skint, unemployed (highly qualified but depression since finishing uni meant I couldn't hold down a job), I was living on a mattress in my mums house. Partner was the one good thing in my life. I'm ashamed to say it but I wasn't particularly careful then. I was in a terrible headspace anyway but maybe I on some level wanted a baby, just someone to love, or something to focus on. Or a way to keep him in my life. He was probably a narc, was never this great guy I thought he was at the time, but I just couldn't see it. So I was pregnant and while I went through the motions of attending the abortion clinic I just couldn't go through with it. Even though it wasn't the right time for me at all, I couldn't abort my baby. My mum and sister were supportive (family is also very pro life and I didn't really have other friends at the time). I went through the pregnancy alone- partner wanted nothing to do with it- got back into work, had the baby, lived with my mum the first 6 months then finally landed a better job and was able to move into my own flat with dd. We have been ok financially since then. She is now just over 2.

But as work has got better and I've been promoted, as I've made new friends, my depression has really deepened. I feel like I've been shell shocked since my pregnancy. Just getting through life. When dd was a baby I often just couldn't cope. I'd shout or cry or even feel real resentment towards her. Now she is a beautiful, incredibly clever toddler and I still feel like I'm shocked. Like if I could go back and change getting pregnant, I would. My friends are all getting married, having babies with men they love, doing great in their careers, travelling. I am completely dependent on my mother for childcare who herself is very manipulative and quite narc- I can see that now because I've been trying for so long to read self help books and understand why I threw away my life and why I was so desperate. I feel like I will never have true happiness. I hate myself for saying this because I should feel so lucky for having dd but most of the time I don't. I wish i was free. God I feel terrible for saying this. I love her so much but I hate my life.

I recently met a man by chance who I really like. I never thought I'd meet anyone again who I genuinely liked. I've seen him 3 times and slept with him and I haven't told him I'm a mother. I feel so guilty, I don't know why I haven't told him but it's like my mental health must have massively declined again to be avoiding the conversation like that. I don't know if he will be ok with it or not but I feel guilty for denying her. It's just been so nice to not have to be a mother or have that "single Mum" label hanging over me for once. I'm such a shit person. Sorry this is just rambling. I don't know how to fix myself. I just need someone to tell me it'll be ok.

Well yes, that's the worst case scenario - and good to bear it in mind, just in case. But most men are bog standard ordinary types. Good to bear that in mind, too.

Sounds like you have a bad case of FOG - fear, obligation,guilt. Very common if brought up in a disordered household.

Have a look at John Bradshaw's 'Healing the Shame that Binds You'.

Many of us are on this road to healing and recovery following a disordered childhood btw. It's generally referred to as the recovery community - not to be confused with recovery from addiction. Tho tbf most of us have problems with addiction ie self-soothing practises that get out of hand.

Back to update. Sorry... this is quite long.

Thanks again to previous posters. This thread helped me so much last week to see things with a bit more perspective. I feel like I've spent so long apologising for myself or trying to find ways around angering/hurting others, assuming that how I feel is secondary to how they feel. It feels a bit like a survival thing. My mum taught me to be a master of the white lie, she hated the idea that anyone would be angry at her or that even if she did something objectively bad that she would have to face consequences. She would lie about anything- if she was an hour away from picking you up she would tell you she was half an hour away even though you'd be then waiting for the extra half hour. She would do big stuff like moving all my stuff out of the family home when I was in my last year at uni and not telling me until I was meant to be coming home for the holidays "because she knew I'd react badly". I feel like she prob had a shitty childhood but in turn she is still so immature and careless of others. I try hard to not be like that but I'm conscious of how much I twist the truth for what seems like benign reasons but really is out of fear of what the other person will do. Also because she would be so abusive if you did something she didn't like, I can even now predict when she will go off on the defensive furious that her preferred outcome didn't happen. Again.. rambling.. but I actually hate dishonesty. I am very straight and honest in a lot of ways so I hate the fact that I know I am also capable of being disingenuous even if it's to protect the other person, or myself... ugh I can feel the self anger bubbling up just typing this! I have spent so long trying to iron this stuff out but I don't know if knowing that I should change means I can change.

Bringing me on to the guy I'm seeing. It's been 4 dates over 4 weeks, I just spent an afternoon, evening, night and morning with him while dd was away. Wary as I am of most men, I've tried to be objective and watch his behaviour closely to see if I think he's someone I could trust. It's weird but I felt like I had to explain me being a mum on date 1 or I was a shit person, the previous posters on this thread have gone some way to make me realise i didn't have to do that if I didn't feel comfortable. I felt like he might just be after sex/casual and that my instincts were steering me away from letting him into my whole life because of that. But.... he's lovely. I really do think he is a lovely man. Little things he does/says and he seems very genuine. We had the most fun today/yesterday. We click in all sorts of ways, both geeky about the same stuff, same sense of humour, both very close to family and enjoy our work. We agreed our sex is the best either of us have ever had (I don't know why, but it's just real compatibility there.) which is great. He sent me a lovely message shortly after I left today saying he couldn't wait to see me again and had a lovely time. His mum knows about me by name (which seems a big deal as she's a very dominant Irish mum who wants him coupled up!)
I came away today feeling not anxious, but as though we had both opened up a little bit. And as though I could trust him not to throw away what we have if I tell him I'm a mother. I feel like I was waiting to feel a little more secure that he actually liked me for me.
But now doubts are creeping in and I feel full of regret that I didn't have the conversation. It's been a month. We are beginning to learn about each other's lives. I know he likes me and wants to pursue this because he has been clear about it. I have a little burst of confidence from that but I feel that awful self doubt creeping back in. Why didn't I just fucking tell him? I'm so scared he will run away, but there's no way to get around it. I have to put myself on the line and I'm terrified. Some have said say it casually but it's hardly a casual fact at this stage. I will explain that I wanted to wait til it seemed like we were both interested in pursuing something but I still feel like a liar and a bitch. I'm not ashamed of being a mum, I do believe that, but he will probably think I am a horrible person or at best just a bit unhinged. I don't know if it makes sense to bide your time over a biggie like that. I wish I could trust myself and just have the courage when I need it. Feeling quite low after a really high 24 hours.

Do you need help thinking up the words to tell him?

Re read the thread. You are not a liar or a bitch. You are sensible.

You really really need to stop any dependency whatsoever on your mother. I think that's actually the thing most likely to scupper your new relationship.

If he gets wind of the crazy mother and your crazy pandering to her, he might think oh dear red flag, back away sloooowly.

Rabbit - yes, i just have no idea how to approach th chat with him. Mainly because like I say, I'm so used to having to find ways around pissing people off to avoid the awful anxiety and panic I get whenever I need to say/do anything I feel isn't ok.
It would be so hard for me to break away from my mother for financial/work and childcare reasons. That's a whole other thing I need to think through.

Now you've thrown in the domineering mum I'm having second thoughts I'm not going to lie

Les what do you mean?

In my experience and from reading on here the domineering mum is just never good.