The in-laws, the ex-wife and me

[Appleandbanana123]

I am trying to make sense of what's deemed reasonable and what isn't.

I have never met my new in-laws, who live on the other side of the globe, and they are coming over to England in few week's time. During their time here, they will be staying with us for a week, after which they are going spend a couple of weeks with DH's children and DH's ex-wife. That's all well and good, and great for the children as the youngest one has never even met his grandparents.

However (and this is when I really feel that I am simply not cut out for the reality of the modern family set up), when they go over to where the children live, DH will be taking them but I haven't been invited to go along. So in my mind, we are back to the 'playing happy families', where there's no place for me.

Funny though that when I once mentioned meeting up for lunch with my ex-in-laws as DS and I were considering a trip to near where they live (DS sees them at least twice a year; they live abroad too but in Europe), DH was fuming. I don't understand then why I have to always be so understanding about everyone's needs etc. I can't make sense of how I fit into all of this, what my place is or whether I even have a place in the grander scheme of things! Or does it mean in situations such as this one, I will always have to make way for the children's mother as her role is simply so much more important than that of the little new wife??

Actually my friend is non the other side of a similar situation

He buggered off lives abroad and now has a new family - his parents won't accept that the marriage is over and he refuses to divorce her on religious ground (married for life and all that) so they still treat her as his wife - she is but still! So how his new partner feels must be similar - but my friend is not happy to be stuck married to someone she doesn't want to be

How so Imperial? I am not considering divorce as an option just yet...

Just to recap: we have a two bed house for the three of us. DH's children don't stay very often and live 3 hours away. The in-laws will be staying with their grandchildren and the ex-wife for two weeks.

However, he seemed to think that it was totally out of order for me to meet up with my ex-in-laws for lunch, with my DS (no ex-h).

Yet his Ex will be staying with her Ex in laws (his parents).

So your son hasn't got accommodation sorted by your H, and his parents are boarding a flight?

I have to be honest here. I don't think it's right that your son has to vacate his home because of step grandparents in law.

Your H should find suitable accommodation for his parents,like a serviced apartment or hotel.

Does your husband get on with your son? Does DS like him?

I really would not like my child forced out of their home under these circumstances.

I'm so weary of doing things, that my child could later bring up in life as me allowing them to be treated unfairly.

Unfortunately, people with DC can be challenging in relationships for the new spouse.

I think it's obvious your in-laws don't care much for you. They may just be unfriendly or there's an underlying reason for that.

In reference to the name, was a big issue made of it?

Is it your Ex Hs name that you kept?

Basically, I just need to somehow turn things around or take some form of action which will stop me feeling this rubbish about it all. I can't control other people's actions but I can control my own. Also, I suspect that the in-laws and the ex are about the children rather than her, but that's by the by as it's about how their visit is making me feel.

No big issue with the surnames. For personal reasons, I've always kept my family name / never changed my surname. It's probably more me seeing things like the post by the relative, seeing the ex's name and feeling like I don't belong to the little gang. Probably just me being immature but my head & my heart are in a state of utter confusion at the moment...

That's my point about DS...he's the only one actually being inconvenienced in all of those, and for people who really couldn't care less about us two.

So...the in-laws came and stayed for a week. They also took turns staying with DH's ex and children for a total of 3 weeks.

Then they left and are currently visiting friends in France. On Facebook, the mother-in-law posted twice about a wonderful time with the ex and the grandchildren, and once about places that they visit whilst staying with us. A couple of photos of them with DH but absolutely no mention whatsoever of either me or DS.

Am I obsessing over this? Being unreasonable? Going crazy? Surely at least one mention to say 'lovely to finally meet...' or similar. No, of course it is not a popularity contest but some form of acknowledgement as the newcomers in the clan would have been nice.

I am now trying to digest two things:

• the ex who after almost 10 years still refers to DH's family as her family and always seems to be given centre stage
• DH's family who for some reason don't really give a toss about the new wife and her son

I hate how this whole thing is making me feel, and that I am allowing it to get to me.

Oh and they were friendly and pleasant during their stay with us - some consolation

Could you make some comment on the Facebook posts - So glad you enjoyed your visit, it was lovely to meet you, hope to see you again soon... Something like that? A little bit PA I suppose, but they may simply not be aware of what they've done. They may also be posting for the benefit of friends and family who know your DH and his ex and kids. Not that that makes it better, but they may not be aware of what they've done.

Have you spoken to your DH about this? While I agree that his children should come first, that doesn't mean you don't even feature on the list. He should be making sure that you are happy and content, even if you're not included in the grandparents/grandkids scenario.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low about the whole thing, and I hope it gets better soon.

Do the PILs friends and family know that your dh is divorced and with a new wife?

The Facebook nonsense is an irrelevance to the real issue here. You need to talk to your husband about how you both feel and how his behaviour in side lining you and his contempt for your son make you feel. Your son was boarded out like an inconvenient pet. I cannot believe you let that happen.

I would delete them from FB and next time say they need to stay in a hotel as DS needs his room.

Also leave DH to it. Are you expectedly to cool/clean for his children?

Don't worry about things on Facebook. I think they will have a different connection with his Ex because of the children.

His Ex calling them family isn't a big issue. They are her children's grandparents and always will be. So in a way they they are her family. Might be awkward saying my Ex in laws and family for her.

You can't make his parents behave differently towards you. As long as you are pleasant and welcoming towards them, leave it be.

Your son has grandparents who love him and doesn't need anything from your in laws. I would suggest you also maintain a good relationship with your ex in-laws. As your son's grandparents, they are relevant in your life too.

The key thing is that you have a solid relationship with your husband and you express things you aren't thrilled about, but not to the point you want to change him. He also can't control how his parents behave, so don't attempt to raise that as an issue, unless they behave inappropriate towards you or your son.

His parents have known his ex for what must be quite a long time, she has perhaps also met some of their friends / relatives, and she is the mother of their grandchildren. They have only just met you, their friends and relatives don't know you, and you are not the mother of their grandchildren. So they are less likely to mention you on FB for their friends and reatives to read about. Is how I would understand this.

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I can sympathise with your frustration but I feel really sorry for your son. You mentioned he was upset at being left out of the theatre trip and I wonder how being moved out of his own home for that week would have done for his feeling of security. I'm not criticising you as I understand you were in a difficult situation but I just feel so sad for him.

Thank you all!

As far as Facebook goes, I agree to disagree with the replies. Of course we may say that it's only social media but I can't help interpreting as how they see and feel about me: invisible, not worth a mention in passing.

As for DS, he was actually happy with his week of freedom and no house chores. It doesn't make it right and it was far from ideal, but he's in a different stage in his life than a number of his friends in terms of being ready to move out (he'll be sharing a house with some of his friends when they come back from inter railing).

I do have a very good relationship with my in-laws, but I see my ex's family as his family.

Anyway, thank you ever so much for your words of support. I can't control other people's behaviour but I can control my own, which means not letting this situation affect me somehow.