The in-laws, the ex-wife and me

[Appleandbanana123]

I am trying to make sense of what's deemed reasonable and what isn't.

I have never met my new in-laws, who live on the other side of the globe, and they are coming over to England in few week's time. During their time here, they will be staying with us for a week, after which they are going spend a couple of weeks with DH's children and DH's ex-wife. That's all well and good, and great for the children as the youngest one has never even met his grandparents.

However (and this is when I really feel that I am simply not cut out for the reality of the modern family set up), when they go over to where the children live, DH will be taking them but I haven't been invited to go along. So in my mind, we are back to the 'playing happy families', where there's no place for me.

Funny though that when I once mentioned meeting up for lunch with my ex-in-laws as DS and I were considering a trip to near where they live (DS sees them at least twice a year; they live abroad too but in Europe), DH was fuming. I don't understand then why I have to always be so understanding about everyone's needs etc. I can't make sense of how I fit into all of this, what my place is or whether I even have a place in the grander scheme of things! Or does it mean in situations such as this one, I will always have to make way for the children's mother as her role is simply so much more important than that of the little new wife??

[Appleandbanana123]

Thank you all!

As far as Facebook goes, I agree to disagree with the replies. Of course we may say that it's only social media but I can't help interpreting as how they see and feel about me: invisible, not worth a mention in passing.

As for DS, he was actually happy with his week of freedom and no house chores. It doesn't make it right and it was far from ideal, but he's in a different stage in his life than a number of his friends in terms of being ready to move out (he'll be sharing a house with some of his friends when they come back from inter railing).

I do have a very good relationship with my in-laws, but I see my ex's family as his family.

Anyway, thank you ever so much for your words of support. I can't control other people's behaviour but I can control my own, which means not letting this situation affect me somehow.

[kimball]

Sorry to hear about your difficult situation. I can sympathise with your frustration but I feel really sorry for your son. You mentioned he was upset at being left out of the theatre trip and I wonder how being moved out of his own home for that week would have done for his feeling of security. I'm not criticising you as I understand you were in a difficult situation but I just feel so sad for him.

[ravenmum]

His parents have known his ex for what must be quite a long time, she has perhaps also met some of their friends / relatives, and she is the mother of their grandchildren. They have only just met you, their friends and relatives don't know you, and you are not the mother of their grandchildren. So they are less likely to mention you on FB for their friends and reatives to read about. Is how I would understand this.

[SandyY2K]

Don't worry about things on Facebook. I think they will have a different connection with his Ex because of the children.

His Ex calling them family isn't a big issue. They are her children's grandparents and always will be. So in a way they they are her family. Might be awkward saying my Ex in laws and family for her.

You can't make his parents behave differently towards you. As long as you are pleasant and welcoming towards them, leave it be.

Your son has grandparents who love him and doesn't need anything from your in laws. I would suggest you also maintain a good relationship with your ex in-laws. As your son's grandparents, they are relevant in your life too.

The key thing is that you have a solid relationship with your husband and you express things you aren't thrilled about, but not to the point you want to change him. He also can't control how his parents behave, so don't attempt to raise that as an issue, unless they behave inappropriate towards you or your son.

[Zarah123]

I would delete them from FB and next time say they need to stay in a hotel as DS needs his room.

Also leave DH to it. Are you expectedly to cool/clean for his children?

[Categoric]

The Facebook nonsense is an irrelevance to the real issue here. You need to talk to your husband about how you both feel and how his behaviour in side lining you and his contempt for your son make you feel. Your son was boarded out like an inconvenient pet. I cannot believe you let that happen.

[EnidNextDoor]

Do the PILs friends and family know that your dh is divorced and with a new wife?

[JayoftheRed]

Could you make some comment on the Facebook posts - So glad you enjoyed your visit, it was lovely to meet you, hope to see you again soon... Something like that? A little bit PA I suppose, but they may simply not be aware of what they've done. They may also be posting for the benefit of friends and family who know your DH and his ex and kids. Not that that makes it better, but they may not be aware of what they've done.

Have you spoken to your DH about this? While I agree that his children should come first, that doesn't mean you don't even feature on the list. He should be making sure that you are happy and content, even if you're not included in the grandparents/grandkids scenario.

I'm sorry you're feeling so low about the whole thing, and I hope it gets better soon.

[Appleandbanana123]

Oh and they were friendly and pleasant during their stay with us - some consolation

[Appleandbanana123]

So...the in-laws came and stayed for a week. They also took turns staying with DH's ex and children for a total of 3 weeks.

Then they left and are currently visiting friends in France. On Facebook, the mother-in-law posted twice about a wonderful time with the ex and the grandchildren, and once about places that they visit whilst staying with us. A couple of photos of them with DH but absolutely no mention whatsoever of either me or DS.

Am I obsessing over this? Being unreasonable? Going crazy? Surely at least one mention to say 'lovely to finally meet...' or similar. No, of course it is not a popularity contest but some form of acknowledgement as the newcomers in the clan would have been nice.

I am now trying to digest two things:

• the ex who after almost 10 years still refers to DH's family as her family and always seems to be given centre stage
• DH's family who for some reason don't really give a toss about the new wife and her son

I hate how this whole thing is making me feel, and that I am allowing it to get to me.

[Appleandbanana123]

No big issue with the surnames. For personal reasons, I've always kept my family name / never changed my surname. It's probably more me seeing things like the post by the relative, seeing the ex's name and feeling like I don't belong to the little gang. Probably just me being immature but my head & my heart are in a state of utter confusion at the moment...

That's my point about DS...he's the only one actually being inconvenienced in all of those, and for people who really couldn't care less about us two.

[Appleandbanana123]

Basically, I just need to somehow turn things around or take some form of action which will stop me feeling this rubbish about it all. I can't control other people's actions but I can control my own. Also, I suspect that the in-laws and the ex are about the children rather than her, but that's by the by as it's about how their visit is making me feel.

[SandyY2K]

However, he seemed to think that it was totally out of order for me to meet up with my ex-in-laws for lunch, with my DS (no ex-h).

Yet his Ex will be staying with her Ex in laws (his parents).

So your son hasn't got accommodation sorted by your H, and his parents are boarding a flight?

I have to be honest here. I don't think it's right that your son has to vacate his home because of step grandparents in law.

Your H should find suitable accommodation for his parents,like a serviced apartment or hotel.

Does your husband get on with your son? Does DS like him?

I really would not like my child forced out of their home under these circumstances.

I'm so weary of doing things, that my child could later bring up in life as me allowing them to be treated unfairly.

Unfortunately, people with DC can be challenging in relationships for the new spouse.

I think it's obvious your in-laws don't care much for you. They may just be unfriendly or there's an underlying reason for that.

In reference to the name, was a big issue made of it?

Is it your Ex Hs name that you kept?

[Appleandbanana123]

How so Imperial? I am not considering divorce as an option just yet...

Just to recap: we have a two bed house for the three of us. DH's children don't stay very often and live 3 hours away. The in-laws will be staying with their grandchildren and the ex-wife for two weeks.

[Astro55]

Actually my friend is non the other side of a similar situation

He buggered off lives abroad and now has a new family - his parents won't accept that the marriage is over and he refuses to divorce her on religious ground (married for life and all that) so they still treat her as his wife - she is but still! So how his new partner feels must be similar - but my friend is not happy to be stuck married to someone she doesn't want to be

[Astro55]

Well they seem to be visiting DH - so bigger off for a week - cheap flights to Spain?

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't want to be in this marriage. I wouldn't want those in laws. I'd want to find somewhere for my son and me and to be left in peace. I couldn't bear all that, tbh.

You realise your husband's children will always take priority over you and your son?

[Appleandbanana123]

I am FUMING!!!

I've just seen a post by that in-laws that they are boarding their flight. Well wishes from various people, including the ex-wife. Also a family member telling them to give their best to DH, his ex and his children. It was pretty bad that his family took no interest in our wedding. Worse still that his parents show no interest in DS and I (remember not as much as a Happy Birthday message on Facebook). What is it? Is it because I didn't buy into the family surname? Is it because I haven't been around for long enough?

To add to it all, I expected DH to get DS' accommodation sorted for when the in-laws are with us. In spite of all my prompting (nagging), he still hasn't - 2 weeks to go until they come to stay with us.

I so so hate being in this situation. I admit that part of it is down to my own I securities but the whole situation just makes me feel like a second class citizen. I am already hating every minute of their stay with us...how awful is that?

Please, help. How do I turn this around? The week with us is going to happen, whether I like it or not.

[Nanny0gg]

What relationship do you have with your DH's children?

Do they never stay with you? Is your home not their home too?

It would make more sense if your in-laws met their DGC at your house, not the ex's.

[FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty]

Your H is a hypocrite. If I were you I'd book to visit your ex-ILs with your son the week DH's parents are visiting, then you can remove yourself from the awkwardness and let him play happy families with the ex while you have a legitimate meet up with people who actually care about you and your DS.

[Stephdufc]

I would not be happy in this situation either. I would definitely be asking him what his plans are with wether he would be staying over at ex wife or just driving there and back... if he stays there why not arrange to meet with your ex in laws at the same time with your son ? (If that's an option)

[Trollspoopglitter]

Why did he think it was out of order for you to meet up with your ex in laws? I don't understand. Obviously, he must consider your son to be capable of going to see them independently of you given his age... So I don't understand why he minds what your relationship with two other adults is.

[AdaColeman]

I would be upset if my teenager was left out of a family event too, it seems as if your DH doesn't see him as a real part of the family.

The business of leaving you in the dark about plans, and only revealing them at the last moment, is a classic control technique, often covered by the excuse of not being organized enough to plan ahead.

If I were you, I'd be thinking very hard about my future.

[Appleandbanana123]

Hi kath6144

It really wasn't a question of needing his permission, and I may have confused matters when I mentioned it. I only included in the post as it's double standards to tell me that I should be delighted with his arrangement to go and play 'happy families' with the ex-wife, children and his parents (whilst the current wife sits at home, as though she might as well not exist - sorry, right or wrong that's how it feels to me!!!). However, he seemed to think that it was totally out of order for me to meet up with my ex-in-laws for lunch, with my DS (no ex-h).

The whole situation, and maybe it's just what you get with these crazy modern family arrangements (which I should have realised BEFORE remarrying that it really isn't for me). One person ends up doing all the accommodating, and having to deal with feeling brushed aside when your face doesn't fit it with the occasion.

[Appleandbanana123]

I can see your point about the theatre but seeing that DS is the one being dislodged for the week and that he's not likely to see them again any time soon, I was quite shocked the DH didn't at least ask.

Overall, I am the defensive as they really haven't bothered with me at all and the whole arrangements with DH's contact with his children invariably creates issues between us.

And you are right that DH is by nature a last minute person but he will also keep me in the dark until the last minute when he knows something is likely to be an issue.

As for my ex-in-laws, DS and I were considering a trip to the country they live in, to visit its capital city for a few days- DS has been to the country countless times but has never had a chance to explore the capital and I am keen to see it again. Meanwhile, the ex-in-laws said that we should let them know so that we could at least meet up for lunch one day - they are 2 hours from the capital - or we could go up for the day (lovely town on the coast). It was very much at the planning stages but when I meninotes it to DH over dinner, he didn't like it all which was utterly unfair and unreasonable. Anyway, the plan is on hold BUT ONLY BECAUSE in the meantime the ex-husband has decided to go back home for Christmas (and DS too, which will be wonderful for him and the grandparents) and both DS and I have had to re-shuffle our holiday arrangements. Otherwise, rest assured that I would have gone ahead with our plan regardless of DH's views on it!!!!

I am not a victim; I understand that I've chosen to be in this situation when I married DH. However, this is just sh*t. Always having to step aside, all these relationships to manage, the whole bloody contact / visit arrangements. When you take DH's endless / countless dramas out of the equation, my life with DS is just so uncomplicated. Even considering the whole A level (coasting & refusing to work) nightmare, it's simple and peaceful.