He is driving me insane AIBU

[Lennielala]

I have been with my DP for 3 years now And we have a 1 year old DS together and another on the way and I feel very much like a single mother. I feel like He doesn't consider us everyday he just says "right I'm going out" he will leave at 10am ISH and come back later on at night, usually once DD is sleeping. I call him and he just always tells me "I'm too busy to speak to you" he thinks it isn't his job to help look after DS and always tells me to ask for help from other people if I am 'struggling' he always says "ask my mum she is there to be used" when I say no you're the dad not your mum he just says I'm too busy.
He is a self employed worker, he owns a few flats which occasionally need work done to them when a tenant moves out etc.
Normally he will give me an ETA for coming home say half5 but will return home at 9pm.

AIBU to ask him what time he will be home? AIBU to get annoyed when he comes he late every night and I feel like my DS is missing out on a relationship with DF and me missing out on a relationship?

In the past when he'd come home late I'd tell him I was annoyed and he would say I know I need to help you more and ask for a cuddle, then I'd cuddle him and he'd do the same the next day. Now he gets annoyed that I don't want to cuddle him. Lastnight he told me he'd be home at half5/6 after leaving at 10am and he called me at 8 where he was at his mums to tell me he was having something to eat and would be home soon. He came home just after 9.
It's tough looking after a little person with bad morning sickness etc.. I'm so worried about being on my own with 2 babies when I eventually give birth to this one. He hasn't helped much at all with DS1. I have never been to a hair appointment/doctors app etc on my own, I always take my baby because he just is never ever here.

He tells me that I need to respect he is working hard but then tells me he feels sorry for me because I'm always on my own with little one! I feel so neglected and feel like my baby isn't getting the time with his dad that he deserves.

DP despite sometimes telling me "I know you need more from me" doesnt normally see what's wrong with his behaviour

[Camnico]

Hey Hazel, I'm sorry that must have been tough for you too but I'm glad you had some help!

The issue with my DP is that he thinks his mum should have LO 3x a week which I'm obviously not happy with, but the even bigger issue is that he DEMANDS I help him with his small jobs, he falls out with me if I don't help paint and tells me I'm not willing to be part of his life because I won't help him with his work (I have done several times in the past and been treated like crap for it)

Even 2 weeks after I had baby he practically forced me to help him and MIL at his (2 day a week 3 hours) cleaning job where I totally overdone it and was in so much pain the next day.

Thing is, whenever someone takes LO for me he makes my life hell if I'm not using that to help him paint. He just always says it's me that should be helping him paint/clean while his mum has our son.

He will NOT pay for help. He would just force his DM on me. The she comes here and makes backhanded comments that make me feel crap :( x

[Camnico]

@Holdit you're so right lol. I really do need to do that, that's a good response. I just need to not let him turn it around on me

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

So what if he turns it around on you? He can believe you are the worst person in the world, it doesn't mean you are.

Just get out.

[SugarMiceInTheRain]

You own the house, you're not married. If you end the relationship/ chuck him out, that's it - he has no claim to the house, particularly if you've made his stuff available (eg dropped it at his mum's or left it on the doorstep.) Kick him out and change the locks. He's not going to change, he's made that clear. And you seem to have made it clear to him that you'll put up with him treating you like this so he does. Do you have any family/ friends of your own for support?

[Gazelda]

It sounds as though he is using you. He and his mum are so tight, you are to be fitted in when it suits them. And I don't know where his DC fit in.
Honestly OP, please tell him to leave. Tell him it's because he's been putting you and DS last. He's been putting work first then his Mum 2nd. He hasn't helped parent his son, he hasn't supported the mother of his child.
He probably won't hear what you're saying, but you never know that some of it might register.
But don't let him back in.

[Siwdmae]

So pros and cons list to help you clarify. I couldn't live like this, he's an absent father basically.

[Camnico]

So yesterday he obviously left at 6:40, o tried calling him all day (I'm an idiot) he ignored all my calls and kept turning his phone off or hanging up on me. I started to feel really distressed. Anyway so me and my sister decided to go to his flat he is working at (8ish) when I got there he was outside and he said "I know I've been horrible today but can't you take the hint?" Huh? What hint? We spoke on the phone about 10am and he was nice to me to then ignore me when I try get in touch hours later. Anyway he let me up because he'd previously asked me to go see his progress. His mum was there and he said "are you not going to say hi" so I said hi to which he told me I was rude. Anyway we start arguing slightly, he grabs my arm and his mum comes in and says "it's not even worth it" she walks back out the room and he tells me to "get to fuck out his house" so I say fine! I start waking towards the front door and his mum just moves in my way and stands in my face with a big smile on hers. I said "can you get out my face please" I tried to go left and so did she, I asked her again to move, he was just standing there watching. Then I go right and she does the same, by this point I am actually shaking I dunno why, maybe adrenaline but I say to her one last time "get out of my f**king face" and he goes right mum cmon and I turn around and go back into the house cause I can't get out the door. They said some pretty horrible things to me "you have mental health issues" his mum said "so what if he leaves the house early and comes back late everyone does that" I kept asking her to stay out of my business and she was just basically saying no. She kept telling him cmon let's clean just ignore her. I stood there crying like an idiot saying how can you treat me like this? MIL turns around and says "you don't need my son you have your dad at you disposal" (btw I don't) I then said "why did you get in my face like that?" She said "to show you I won't be intimidated by you" ummm what the actual hell, why would I try to intimidate her.. I've never done this!! anyway that's the short version

As soon as I left his mum apparently said to him something along the lines of "I'm sorry about all that, I really don't want to fall out with anyone" I feel like she's doing that to make herself look very reasonable and to manipulate the situation and her son!

Later on I call him and he starts telling me the way I treated his mum was disgusting. Apparently regardless of her being confrontational I have some serious issues and until I apologise to his mum then he is going to stay at hers and support her. He said she is the hardest working woman he knows and I'm just lazy. Which isn't true! He said that his work will always come before me and DS as that's the way he's been brought up and by me not helping him at his work I'm disrespecting his mum (I don't know how, that family baffles me) anyway I'm absolutely devastated, I feel stupid for ever getting into this situation with this man. To be told I front of his mum "I don't bloody like you" and to be sat here crying over it just makes me feel worse. I dunno what to do I am unbelievably sad. I'm normally a very private person but I'm actually thinking about calling women's aid just for someone to speak to. I just wish he'd put us first a little. Never going to get that though!

[neonrainbow]

What on earth posessed you to inflict this man on a second child as a father?

[Camnico]

Good question because I'm an idiot? He seriously has a way of making me feel like these things that happen are all my fault, hence why I came on here to get an outsiders POV

[swampytiggaa]

Get your locks changed x you are in a strong position with your house x and very good luck x you and your children deserve so much more than this x

[Gazelda]

Please, please, please end this relationship. He is worse than useless. His mother will always create conflict with you and between her son and you. He's told you that you and his DC are not his no.1 priority - is that the sort of partner and dad you want for you and DC?
Pack up his stuff and get your DSis to take it all round to his mums. Tell him it is over and that you'll be in touch in a few days to talk about how he can support his DC. Then switch your phone, email everything off.
Go out/waffle on here/lose yourself in Netflix (or CBeebies). But don't try to talk with him, it's only hurting you more.

[Camnico]

Thank you @swampy :) x

[robinia]

You aren't an idiot, you just got yourself emotionally invested with the wrong guy.
You need to be strong now and kick him and his abusive mother out of your and dcs' lives.

[Kelpie666]

Lennielala Hi. Thought I would check in with you to see if you are any closer to stopping the rot or are you still banging your head against that brick wall?

[winner137]

Hi guys, Ive just joined to post this, so hope I follow the correct protocol.

Best case senario it seems this guy has narcissistic traits, from the interaction you posted involving him and his mother, I suspect their family has a bit of twisted dynamic, it also seems as if you are being scapegoated.

As its impossible to diagnose someone from a forum description my suggestion is take a look at out of the fog, read through some of the forum posts on there, see if you recognise any of the documented patterns of behaviour in your other half and/or his family.

If the forum stories are familiar to you, there is much support there for those leaving these types of manipulative relationships. For warned is forarmed.

I suspect that you are now the family scapegoat, he is the golden child and your babies will be forced to take on the same roles in time.

Please be very very sure if you stay with him to try to work things out. These issues always seem to magnify as time goes by. Emotional abuse ALWAYS gets worse, never better. You deserve more as do your babies.

[Squishedstrawberry4]

Give him a choice. Either take part in family life or leave

[inlectorecumbit]

No don't give him a choice--the choice is yours OP. l hope his stuff is packed and dumped ,locks are change and number blocked.

He is a cunt and so is his DM. Get rid of them both

[Camnico]

Hi guys OP here.

Thanks for your supportive comments. Things have been getting worse to the point where I feel it's not in my child's best interests to be around his DF (hold the D) and especially the DM (again hold the D) and this is a reason that makes me scared to leave him. He's told me if we split up he will take my DS to his mums on his days because she has "a right to see him" and it's "not my business to dictate to her how and what she can do with my son" - apparently.

The only thing is, I feel like I don't have Proof to show that this isn't in my child's best interest, him and his mum come across so well to do around others and I just feel like the 'silly little girl' with nothing more than a vendetta.

I just don't know what to do.

[Motoko]

Ring Women's Aid, they will be able to give you advice.

Was your sister outside when you went to the house?