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Original poster

Single parents in a relationship - half a life?

50 replies

Tuliptime · 23/04/2017 21:53

Just wondered if there are any of you out there after divorce that are now in a relationship, but for various reasons can't live together? And how you feel about it? I am in this situation and just somehow need to square it with myself. I still want that ideal of living together but for us it can't happen. I'm in a LTR with a lovely man. My children live with me, his children live with me. We both get on great with each other's children, but trying to bring them all together under one roof is not in their best interests so we wouldn't do it. Neither of us would uproot our children again and change schools, they've been through enough - and we couldn't afford a house big enough anyway! But just sometimes, it really gets me down that are lives are entwined but still essentially so separate. I wouldn't swap it because he's great but having finally found someone who is just so right for me, it's just sad that we're together, but not together if that makes sense. I just need to accept it and square it with myself. Wondered if any of you wise people had managed to do the same! Thanks

OP posts:
Lovemusic33 · 23/04/2017 21:58

So hard, I think for me I would have to walk away because the thought of 'never living together' would destroy me. How old are the children? Is it possible that when they get older you could live together?

user1487175389 · 23/04/2017 22:02

I would try to look on the bright side. You don't have to fall into a mundane rut where you're sick of the sight of each other. You'll always have things to talk about because you're not living in each other's pockets. Youre not shoving all your dcs into one house and expecting them to put your wants above their feelings. You're doing the right thing.

heyday · 23/04/2017 22:03

I can imagine that it's quite difficult but it may be a whole lot harder if you did in fact all live together. Just make the most of what you have.

Original poster
Tuliptime · 23/04/2017 22:12

Gosh sorry obviously meant his children live with him! User and heyday, that's exactly what he says and although they're good points and very true, it still niggles me that after a lovely weekend, I always start the week on my own. This bit is shallow, but running a house on your own is so hard practically and financially and I'd love to think that at some point things would get easier. But we've got about another ten years if we wait until the children are independent. I know things could change, but they won't in the near future. But, he's a great man and I'm lucky to have found him, so I just have to find that acceptance! Thanks for replying

OP posts:
Cafechocalatte · 23/04/2017 22:51

I am in exactly the same situation. Me and my dp have 6 children between us, both have our children full time, and no way we can live together in the near future.
I've made peace with it, not sure dp has.
Message me if you want to chat

Hermonie2016 · 23/04/2017 22:57

You may have rose tinted glasses about living together.Whilst there are practical benefits there is always a trade off when sharing a house which just isn't apparent yet.
Blending a family adds a layer which can test even the strongest relationship. Do you live far from each other so midweek not possible?

StrongerThanIThought76 · 24/04/2017 03:25

I'm in your shoes too, we live 3 streets apart. It breaks my heart to be on my own so often despite being in a relationship. There are fewer and fewer reasons why we can't both sell up and buy together but he keeps delaying and making excuses and I'm at breaking point of feeling both adored and rejected that he won't move on to the next logical step.

TheNaze73 · 24/04/2017 07:57

If it can't happen, it can't happen. Just enjoy what you have in the now.

Temporaryanonymity · 24/04/2017 08:01

I am a single parent and I although I am not in a relationship, the situation you describe sounds like my ideal. I would not want to move a man into our house, or us into his. I also value my independence above all else.

JigglyTuff · 24/04/2017 08:08

I feel exactly the same as you Temporary. A relationship with a man who lives 3 streets away sounds absolutely perfect to me!

jeaux90 · 24/04/2017 08:59

I'm a single parent and in a relationship. It's complicated with kids etc too.

Honestly I love it. We see each other a couple of nights a week. It's bloody perfect.

I focus on my career and kid and have some lovely time with him too.

Works really well, but I think you have to shove aside the social norms of what's expected.

Mintychoc1 · 24/04/2017 09:10

I'm in a similar situation, but we've only been together just over a year so I'm not fed up with it yet! It'll be 10+ years before we could live together. I'm happy with things the way they are now - it feels like a good mix.

LesisMiserable · 26/04/2017 17:36

I've been with DP 2.5 years, we're getting married in July - will be at least four years before we live together - I call that perfection to be honest!!

Cafechocalatte · 26/04/2017 18:16

How did you get your do to agree to living separately after marriage Lesis ?

ocelot7 · 26/04/2017 18:56

I am in the same situation but we/kids are older so might be possible to live together in a couple of years...I accept that I have to do the travelling for now as he has domestic responsibilities [kids+pets] which I don't but still find the shuttling between my 2 lives quite wearing

On the bright side for you OP - its great that you have a lovely relationship! I had no social life when my DC small so was alone for years at the stage you are now. Its better than that!

Dozer · 26/04/2017 18:59

I think it sounds difficult, but not as difficult (for you and the DC) as living together in the circumstances, and would be a shame to end an otherwise good relationship over it.

LesisMiserable · 26/04/2017 19:15

We met online and live 60 miles apart. I have a DD who is going into gcse year so not moving her and he's just started developing his career so he's happy where he is too. He could absolutely commute but for 2.5 years we've been seeing each other 5+ nights/days a week and it works like magic, we're both happy. The way we see it we have a home by the sea and one in the city, happy days Smile

Threes3 · 26/04/2017 19:21

As I live full time with someone, your situation sounds perfect!

Cricrichan · 26/04/2017 19:26

I think it's an ideal situation. You have a great relationship which isn't marred by having different views on parenting , your kids have less chance of falling out or affecting your relationship, you get the excitement of seeing someone because you don't live together and nobody's moaning or bagging about who does what.

Enjoy it!

ocelot7 · 26/04/2017 19:52

How do you manage to see each other 5x a week when so far apart Les? We are an hour apart (1 hr 40 in rush hr) hence only w/ends

LesisMiserable · 26/04/2017 20:15

I go to him Tuesday night, leave him Wednesday lunchtime. I go to him again Thursday night, leave Friday morning, he comes to me Friday evening, leaves Monday morning. Or me and DD go to him for the weekend. In school holidays (he works in education) he generally brings all his work over and stays with us for the whole break.

TheOriginalFactoryMum · 26/04/2017 20:37

I am in a similar-ish situation except my partner doesn't have kids. He was working abroad when we got together but when the contract ended, moved north and rented a flat to be near me and hopefully move in at some point. That was over three years ago - my eldest girl was 12 then and still has not accepted the situation so we've not moved it forward to getting together under one roof. He's completely understanding but at the same time a bit frustrating for him esp as he commutes weekly to London for work as well!! I feel torn between trying to keep my kids happy and secure in their own home and wanting to preserve the amazing relationship I have with my partner.

Cafechocalatte · 26/04/2017 20:58

TheOriginal I totally empathise as I am in the same boat. DP would move in to mine tomorrow if I asked him (I have the bigger house) but it is definitely not the right time for my DCs. He says he understands but I know he is getting impatient.
Trying to put my children's interests first

ocelot7 · 26/04/2017 20:59

*Les: I don't know how you can stand all the commuting! It never occured to me to do so much to-ing & fro-ing hence mostly w/ends & usually go straight to work on from there on Mondays...but my house is suffering as I'm nevefr there to get on top of things!

FactoryMum that's tough - I'm not sure I could be so patient waiting for DD to come round. At 15 her social life is probably about to take off so hopefully she may become more amenable - does she not want you to be with anyone or dislike him specifically?

Cafechocalatte · 26/04/2017 20:59

Oops

Putting my children's interests first while trying to have a happy relationship with DP is tough.
I'd happily do what Lessis is doing and marry while living apart but I know DP doesn't want that Sad

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