Single parents in a relationship - half a life?

[Tuliptime]

Just wondered if there are any of you out there after divorce that are now in a relationship, but for various reasons can't live together? And how you feel about it? I am in this situation and just somehow need to square it with myself. I still want that ideal of living together but for us it can't happen. I'm in a LTR with a lovely man. My children live with me, his children live with me. We both get on great with each other's children, but trying to bring them all together under one roof is not in their best interests so we wouldn't do it. Neither of us would uproot our children again and change schools, they've been through enough - and we couldn't afford a house big enough anyway! But just sometimes, it really gets me down that are lives are entwined but still essentially so separate. I wouldn't swap it because he's great but having finally found someone who is just so right for me, it's just sad that we're together, but not together if that makes sense. I just need to accept it and square it with myself. Wondered if any of you wise people had managed to do the same! Thanks

It works for us. Personally I love driving over to see him. Always get butterflies on the way

It's not that she doesn't want me to be with anyone or that she doesn't like him particularly; she doesn't want him in her space. She's very close to her dad, he lives a few miles away and they see him twice a week. He left me for someone else but they still live apart too, although they see more of each other as they work together and obviously he has five nights free and I only have two, and one of those mid-week when my partner is away! My daughter is not very sociable and so spends a lot of time at home, so is a constant disapproving presence ... it's like I'm the teenager sometimes, getting frowned at! Last year we all went on holiday for the first time and it was pretty awkward, despite the fact we all had our own rooms. People keep saying to me ' just go for it and they'll come round' but it's really hard when it's your kids who've already had their lives turned upside down with their dad leaving.

Factorymum that sounds a bit like my DPs DC who is same age and lives with him. He takes the view that she cannot stop him having a relationship & says that she would be in her bedroom most of the time anyway - not just because I'm there.
I'm only there at w/ends during which I try to make myself scarce part of the time & encourage them to do stuff without me. His elder DC is completely chilled with me and I'm hoping the younger one will come round a bit
BTW they split/divorced long before me

I did this for seven years. We split up almost two months ago; no contact since that day and I'm still wretched. I wish we hadn't split up. I know I should "move on" but it's easier said than done.

Yes sounds very familiar although my DP seems to be retreating further and further, almost like he feels like he daren't make the effort any more. As he's not a parent, it doesn't come naturally anyway and I really feel for him. I don't think I could stand it if it were the other way round! Both his and my own parents divorced when we were kids / teenagers and so we are probably extra-cautious about upsetting my kids. However it's been nearly five years since their dad left and three since I've been with partner so it seems like it's more healthy to move on. The younger one is much more accepting but I'm worried as she enters the teenage years it will all start again

I do have grown up DC but also had a SM so am mindful of doing the wrong thing with DPs DC!
I sacrificed having a relationship at all when my DC was young as I didn't think anyone would treat my DC as their own (after my SM experience!) and couldn't have that happen but in some ways I very much regret those many lost years without a relationship
Factorymum can you broach it with yr DD? She will have her independent life very soon so it would be a shame to lose yr relationship in the meantime...Actually a that age my DC was urging me to get out there!
Diodati was yr split to do with DC and/or never being able to move in together?

**ocelot7 I have tried to broach it on many occasions and thought things were improving, until we had a row last weekend... I asked her to think about what would makes things better and she just replied 'I don't want to talk about it'. She's often said I should wait until she has left home. I can't contemplate DP moving in with this atmosphere as i know it wreck the very lovely relationship we have as well as being extremely stressful for me in the middle!

Factorymum You are in a very tough situation. I wonder if at some level she still hopes you & her DF will get back together but she is being unfair on you - especially as her DF left you - though I realise a 15yo can't see a situation from someone else's viewpoint... Does she not see all around/have friends in blended families?

I'm in the same boat. Been with DP 5 years, he has his DCs 50/50 including every weekend and I have mine 6 days a week. We only live 20 mins apart so can meet for lunch on days we're not together.

I do feel sad that we won't have the commitment of a wedding or moving in to legitimise our relationship, but I do look forward to seeing him on a Sunday after a few days apart - having a little space from each other feels good. I'm an introvert and need me-time to recharge. Sometimes I wish I'd met him sooner and things could be simpler, but we are where we are.

We have looked into the practicalities of living together but the finances (I'd lose tax credits with a live-in partner), the size of house we'd need for 8 of us and the different parenting styles etc would cause a lot of problems.

But however much I rationalise why it's not a good idea to live with him I do feel like I'm missing something. In reality that something is a load of extra washing and tidying up and it feels like we can't really be 'partners' but boyfriend sounds lame. He does help to support me financially (has offered to pay off my credit card debts and buys things for the house etc as he spends some of his time here) but it's my XH who is still on the mortgage.

.

Feedme that's really tough too! Is there any way he can adjust his days so that he has some free w/ends or more time at the w/end (assuming you both work)?

And being defeated by the practicalities - a house big enough for 8 - what sort of age are the children?

FeedMe I have the problem with the size of house my partner and I would need also. I have four children, he has two. We would need a mansion!

I'm a double-lifer too. Boyfriend of 2 years, I have 3DC and he has none. I spend most of my child free time over at his house, which has the advantages of escapism, in that I'm not tripping over toys or feeling compelled to do housework to the same degree as I would at my place (although obviously I still chip in over there). We both like our own space and as a result don't argue or anything.

He has no intention of being step-daddy and I definitely prefer keeping my 'mum' life separate from my 'single person' life. He has met the kids a good few times, and bizarrely I have a close relationship with his mum who sees the kids on a regular basis and I talk about them to him all the time so it's not like I'm putting massive barriers between my two lives. He also thinks of really sweet practical things that would benefit my DC, like fitting extra plug points for my gamerchick DD etc. or sends little presents like if he gets promo bits from work he'll blag 3 for my DC.

However, I know the relationship is probably doomed to a degree as I don't think my two lives could ever truly converge. I certainly don't want to live with another man ever (been burned!) and I don't think family life would suit him at all. But we're happy enough with how things are I think. He jokes that I have 50/50 residency of my DC and he has 50/50 residency of me

However, I do find it tough at times. As a pp said about having a lovely weekend but then starting the week alone - I always feel really down on a Monday. The living out of a suitcase for half the week does grate. his mum does his washing so I haven't really got the option of leaving clothes here. Having to pack loads of options when I don't know what our plans are / what the weather will do etc. It's also annoying but quite amusing that I have this double running shopping list in my brain of the contents of both my and his fridge/cupboards

Sometimes I wish it could be a more socially 'normal' relationship, but I quite like the separateness on the whole. I think it allows me to be more my old pre-DC self in terms of my personality. More fun, reckless, carefree type thing. Feel like I'm living two very disparate lives, for bette or for worse.

A lot of people would kill for the double life

They certainly would (sounds ideal to me).

ocelot, he likes having the weekends with his DCs. Their mum is a bit of a party animal so is usually hung over Sat & Sun all day mornings, so he generally has to wait until she is up and about to take them round to her.

It was supposed to be a midday changeover on Sundays, but previously this has been 4/5pm. I got a bit fed up of hanging around not knowing if he was going to be here for lunch or dinner on a Sunday so he has been a bit better about keeping in touch if it's going to be later.

We do sometimes all get together on a Friday or Saturday night, and have attempted family holidays but tbh the stress of everyone together along with the different parenting styles have made them a bit hard work for me!

There is something to be said for the part-time life but as much as I can come to terms with it in my head, my heart still feels sad that we aren't a 'proper' couple.

My dp is currently ill. Nothing I can do to help - he wants/needs to be at home on his own in bed. If we were living under the same roof I could keep checking him, pottering about the house, doing household jobs, sending drinks/snacks/meals up. But no, there's nothing I can do and I feel utterly useless, excluded and helpless.

Make or break time soon for me I think.

What excuses does he give, Stronger ?

I know what you mean about the 'half a life' thing. We call it 'the bubble' - it feels like being on holiday EOW. So very grown up and restorative and peaceful. But then that is also very absolutely flipping marvellous nice, and very different to a life where there would be stress (all dc under one roof, with ensuing tension and chaos - I quite like grappling with my teenage strife in privacy) and drudge, drudge drudge, plus, I feel shielded from the horrifying possibility that things might slide into me being the default person to cook/do laundry etc.. and never taken for granted... therefore my relationship feels more equal and therefore better. Translating this sort of relationship into a co-habiting situation is the Actual Holy Grail. It's good to be realistic about things. I do fantasise about how much nicer it would be to move in... then I give myself a slap! I found myself looking on wistfully at the sight of a white wedding as I passed a church yesterday. Slapped myself good and hard then too hahahaha!!!!!

Tempting to question whether it's the right relationship when really the tension comes from this weird feeling that things have to 'progress' to co-habitation and that it's not happening.

Mind you like Mintychoc1 am only 14 months in.... ask me in a year's time and I might feel differently!

Salty - countless reasons. Money, diy projects, parenting differences, housework standards differences, got to wait until the kids are older. Even used the ex wife's new relationship as an excuse for a while, we split up for some time after that!
Kids on both sides are used to the non-arrangement. I hate the every-other-Sunday-evening blues.

I've been separated (now divorced) from DCs dad for over 16 months. I've been dating for some time and got to 2 month period at several points and the issue of how things work in the long term has always been an issue.

While my ex lives with GF (was OW) and is childfree most of the time (has over night once a fortnight), I rely on few hours here and there often with my mum helping. Does anyone else feel annoyed with the inequality than often happens at separation? I do!

I have introduced 2 BFs to DCs at 2 month stage as I get fed up with having too little time, then I've found out it doesn't work and have had to end it. Not to my DCs making it harder but to BFs not being able to fit in. I want a normal adult relationship and think I have to pressure my ex to have DCs more, so frustrating that he doesn't help more!

Anyhow so this thread is v interesting as sounds like others in the same boat but on longer term situation!

Lana sounds like yours is more a useless ex issue, I had this problem but managed to get him to have proper contact in the end.

Stronger those do sound like excuses. I think guilt can sometimes cast a murky sheen on these decisions.

How to balance the needs/wants/lives of the dc with the needs/wants/lives of the adults and the relationship.

Very modern day conundrum. I don't know the answer.

Salty;you are right he is useless!!

Sorry everyone I started this thread then kept remembering then swiftly forgetting to check it - does anyone else do that?!! Thanks to everyone for sharing, it's interesting and just something I'd never thought through till I got in a LTR. I still don't like the half a life but know that we can't live together for so many practical and emotional reasons and actually since writing my wistful post, I'm back to valuing and enjoying the time I get just me and the children and actually don't want to give that up either! But then I worry, if I really loved him wouldn't I want to be with him all the time?!

Sorry for not doing more personal replies, it's late and I'm shattered but if I leave it till the morning to do a more thoughtful reply I might forget again!! Single parenting... always tired, or is that just me?!

Yes Tuilp, me too! I tend to swing between loving my independence and enjoying the quiet time when he's not around, then the next day wanting to be wifey and have the domestic bliss set-up of my dreams (which would actually probably end up finishing us!)

Be careful what you wish for I guess!!

I understand how you feel. I wonder whether my relationship breaking up though is partly because my DP and I moved in with kids on both sides. I was in a 'flexible' position because my child and me were, well, pretty willing to make a new start!

Whereas his children and him were almost living like they will still part of his first wife and her family. Same rules etc. There were lots of ructions because of this, with me and my child having to change.

However, for me I don't think I'd have liked to live separately - as I really wanted to have another child and also I just wanted to feel like a family, with someone to come back to every day. I was kind of sick of dating and had had years of seeing someone every weekend. Wanted more.