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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I discovered my girlfriend's Twitter account and it's upsetting me

45 replies

jinniefromtheblock · 23/04/2017 17:31

I've been in a relationship with another woman for about 11 months now (both 27) and over the past few months I've been concerned about her behaviour. She's withdrawn loads and it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm bothering her just by texting her or asking to see her. She just seems really snappy all the time and when I ask what's wrong she just say's 'nothing, just in a bad mood' but she's been saying this for weeks now and won't elaborate.

I happened to discover my girlfriend's Twitter account. You're probably going to scold me for this but her account was on private, so I created just a false account and followed her. When she accepted I was quite upset at what I'd found. There were tons of negative tweets and there were several things that I knew were related to me (even though she didn't say my name or anything). There were things like "i can't be doing with company today" posted an hour before i was supposed to be going to visit her. There were lots of angry, depressed tweets about all the things she hates. She'd also "liked" a lot of tweets that annoyed me. For example, I love the band You Me at Six and she knows I love them, yet she 'liked' a couple of tweets that said "You Me at Six are the crappest band ever" etc. I just don't understand why she's been holding this grudge against me in secret. It's not like I can confront her either because I stalked her page.

I'm at a loss. She seems to be getting increasingly hateful and mistrustful of me, but whenever I pull away she's all nice to me again. Sometimes she does subtle angsty things like change her whatsapp profile picture to "just her" instead of "both of us" and at the same time she'll be distant from me. But if ever I ask what's up she'll make out like I'm being paranoid. I think she gets jealous of me going out with other people, but she doesn't actually like going out so I can't win.

This is becoming torture. I don't want to break up with her because I love her :(

OP posts:
curtainphobic · 23/04/2017 17:35

Whilst I understand you're having a hard time I suggest you speak to her. It works better than setting up false twitter accounts. You're both 27. Move on.

Original poster
jinniefromtheblock · 23/04/2017 17:39

I've tried to speak to her, she shuts down. She's never been good at opening up and when she senses that I want to have a heart-to-heart its like she deliberately withdraws

OP posts:
JigglyTuff · 23/04/2017 17:41

She's being horrible in the hope you'll dump her. Do it. Honestly if you stay with her while she's being shitty to you, it will destroy your self-esteem.

Gallavich · 23/04/2017 17:41

You might love her but she doesn't seem to like you much. For your self respect you really shouldn't put up with this.

usernumbernine · 23/04/2017 17:42

I'm really sorry but she's just not that into you.

She's making it clear she doesn't feel the same as you do.

Foldedtshirt · 23/04/2017 17:43

Please dump her! Why would you want to be with someone who treats you with such disdain. She sounds really nasty Sad

Chops2016 · 23/04/2017 17:43

Hmm you say do come across paranoid tbh.

Why do you think that her liking a negative tweet about a band you like is a "secret grudge" against you? She is allowed to have different musical tastes..

Why do you see her changing her whatsapp to a pic of just her as angsty or a dig at you?

Nothing you have described sounds angsty or hateful at all. It does sound like she could be depressed, though.

Do you often interpret her actions as aimed at you in a negative way, like the examples here? If so, that may explain her not wanting company and feeling low. That would really, really do my head in as well!

WallisFrizz · 23/04/2017 17:43

This will not improve, end it whilst you still have your self respect in tact. I mean that kindly.

elQuintoConyo · 23/04/2017 17:46

Just tell her "this isn't working for me" and don't get drawn into any discussions.

You aren't compatible. Move on, dust yourself off, and find someone who you are compatible with. Chalk this one up to expetience.

ijustwannadance · 23/04/2017 17:46

She's clearly an attention seeker who doesn't want you to have a life away from her.
I very much doubt she will change. Nonway I would stay with someone like that.

LozzaChops101 · 23/04/2017 17:46

Sounds like it might be time to start detaching from that relationship. I think you probably deserve better than what you have at the moment. She sounds very emotionally controlling.

pallasathena · 23/04/2017 17:49

Do you think she enjoys the drama of it all? Some people do you know, they get a real buzz from upsetting people, making up, withdrawing again...rinse and repeat.. It gives them a feeling of power and control and actual pleasure in hurting, in some cases emotionally destroying, the other person in the relationship.
You say you love her but I would suggest that what you really love is your idea of her. And its intriguing is it not, being kept on your toes like this? Obsessing about her to such an extent that you hack her twitter account?
You need to have a serious talk with yourself OP.
Cut your losses. Life really is too short to get over invested in people who play mind games.

AllTheWittyNamesAreGone · 23/04/2017 17:51

It shouldn't be shit 11months in

Find someone more on your wavelength

saturdaysaturday · 23/04/2017 17:53

She sounds more 17 than 27! Very childish

OnionKnight · 23/04/2017 18:03

Ditch her, it shouldn't be like this eleven months in.

happypoobum · 23/04/2017 18:05

Dump her and move on, she doesn't sound very nice and this relationship is turning you into a different person.............

ElspethFlashman · 23/04/2017 18:07

The relationship is as dead as a very dead thing.

LilaoftheGreenwood · 23/04/2017 18:07

She just sounds like bloody hard work tbh. Worst case scenario it's all deliberate manipulation, best case she just sounds a mix of self-hating and needy. Probably somewhere between the two (otherwise she'd be parading the weird tweeting in front of you).

Sadly however loving one is to that sort of person, IME it's never enough. They're never "up" where you are for long, in that basically content and open state that you might think of as natural/neutral. There always has to be some psychodrama going on and you don't have any control over whether you're a part of it.

If you're sufficiently caring and attuned to her needs to find that subtle, angsty stuff upsetting (which I would) it's not going to work for you. Maybe these people end up with crass, bluff sorts who don't care about their angst, I'm not sure, but I don't think it's a personality type one can acquire.

Bleurghghghgh · 23/04/2017 18:09

Urgh, anyone posting PA tweets would put me off regardless of whether they were about me or not. Try to talk to her OP, and if she doesn't engage then end it. You'll soon realise you don't need this negativity and constant chasing.

PS I love YMA6 too - I met them once in a pub. To this day it was one of the best things ever. We talked about caravans.

Obsidian77 · 23/04/2017 18:20

Your relationship sounds like a non-starter. Find someone more deserving of your love. Sorry.

BlondeBecky1983 · 23/04/2017 18:25

27? You both sound about 15.

newnoo · 23/04/2017 18:28

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Isetan · 23/04/2017 18:29

Here's a tip, if you don't want a relationship with someone with the emotional maturity of a sullen teen, then don't go out with one.

Relationship wise you could be doing better, which begs the question, why the hell aren't you?

newnoo · 23/04/2017 18:30

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

Guavaf1sh · 23/04/2017 18:32

I agree with all the rest - you're young and she sounds like a nightmare - dump her