I'm never going to be free of him am I?

[Littlemissindependent]

Have been divorced from my exh for nearly 2 years. Have dd3 together. He has a child arrangement order which states he sees dd eow. When he manages to stick to it. For the most part we have a civil relationship for dds sake, despite the financial/emotional abuse.
However, he seems completely determined to continue to make my life a misery. He thinks he's entitled to know where I am, what I'm doing and who with. I'm too scared to ever make plans for the weekends dd is with him because I know if he gets wind of it he will deliberately find a way to ruin it for me. He calls constantly. And because I haven't answered his call this evening he starts with the passive aggressive messages demanding to know how HIS daughter is if it's not too much trouble. I feel myself panicking every time his name pops up on my phone. I don't know how to escape him. And if I try and facilitate handover without us having to interact, he accuses me of being selfish and setting a bad example to dd. I just can't see any way out and it's making me so so unhappy

[CocoaLeaves]

Not Skype, he can see into your home then, phone only.

[newdaylight]

Don't worry about wasting womens aid's time. They'll be able to give direct and practical advice quickly, due to experience. Give them a call.

[Littlemissindependent]

Thank you. It's such a relief to just get it off my chest and not be told I'm overreacting. I'll give Womens Aid a call on Monday. I don't know how to handle the going no contact thing because I just know he'll use it against me. He's already dragged me through court once where I was absolutely ripped to shreds, I don't think I can face that again.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Get a new phone. Keep your existing number but stick it into a cheap payg phone. Put that phone in a drawer and turn it on only at the pre-arranged times times you set up with XP, as other posters have recommended.

And do phone Women's Aid. They are exactly here to help you.

[HeavenlyEyes]

I agree separate phone - and make sure everything you post online is private and visible to your own contacts only. Blocking him clearly is not enough. And post bare minumum to your friends also for a while I think.

[DancingLedge]

Keep on venting and getting support here.

[ChickenBhuna]

All the court require from you littlemiss are the things I detailed above with regards to contact with your daughter. They won't rip you to shreds as long as you do those three things.

Contact can only be pushed as far as a 50/50 leisure time split so be prepared to say yes to that.

Try as hard as you can to separate access and his bullying behaviour. Access to DD is okay , anything else is not.

[Pearlmum1]

Sounds identical to my situation but I've finally got it under control.
First I called a domestic abuse help line..she was amazing
She advised to be blunt and factual by text only if possible..only about dc. Completely ignore any other subject/threats/name calling
I never reply to abusive texts now
I did advise him after my phone call to the helpline that I had taken further actions and am now logging every text etc. That I would call the police if he harrased me, he pretended to go to a solicitor etc..i just ignored
I collect my dd, just great her, take her away, no talking to him/no eye contact
Try to keep to your main arrangement..like EOW because he will use any change to accuse you of all sorts...if he does totally ignore. They get bored as they have been feeding off you!
I imagine that I am a strong silent statue that takes no nonsense..never engage in him! Never fall for a dog story, or if he tries to be your friend..its a tactic to reel you in.
Good luck, it will get 1000 times better if you follow this..be prepared for the initial tantrum..but ignore ignore! If he comes to your house outside of an arrangement with Dc, call the police. Repeat until he gives up!

[Wallywobbles]

Get your Dd to answer phone if it's him.

[Pearlmum1]

Forgot to say, get your daughter a cheap phone that he can call her on.
Get another cheap phone for contact arrangements with him. Then you can look at your phone without the dread!

[springydaffs]

I took out a restraining order on my ex for less than this (tho same ball park).

Yy to WA, this is precisely what they're there for. Get your local WA office on their site - easier to get through than the national helpline, tho you can call the helpline at night, easier to get through then 0808 2000 247).

I had all sorts of stuff included in the restraining order eg he couldn't come beyond my gate etc. He pretty much backed off after that.

[WorknameJimEllis]

His weapon against you is that you are a good person, and want to be thought of as nice.

I've found in these situations (no kids involved with mine, but a manipulative twat who I was breaking free of ) once you lose that instinct to be though of as 'nice' or 'reasonable ' they loose 99%of their hold on you.

You will never win if you try to be nice, they will always find something in that to beat you over the head with.

Instead when he starts his whining pathetic shit about how unreasonable or horrible you are just say as pp suggested ' yes, i am, suck it up buttercup ' and cut the call, walk away. You are under NO obligations to be nice, polite, fair or reasonable.

I am amazed, even years later how empowering the realisation was that I don't have to be nice. I don't have to pretend to be nice. I can be selfish and that is just fine. It doesn't matter what some twatbadger thinks.

Totally agree about getting a 'batphone' that is normally off or silent just for him to call on, and blocking him on your other. ( tell him you've changed network or something due to a fraud on your old number and had to Change it)

Also check for spyware, seems suspicious if he always knows your plans.

[WorknameJimEllis]

Oh, and yes

You are NOT overreacting

It IS harassment

It IS illegal

And it is illegal because it is abusive, scary, undermining and horrible to live through. The justice system recognises that and takes a very dim view.

for you.

Talk to women's aid. They will take it seriously too.

[Littlemissindependent]

I'm scared that even by posting this on here I'm opening up Pandora's box. I've kept everything to myself for so long, with no outlet and nobody to speak to and now I feel like it's snowballing.

[jeaux90]

Ok so I had this from my narc ex.

Sorry OP but it's hard. You have been conditioned by him to behave and respond in a specific way.

The way to deal with this is only ever ever respond to text about your dd and arrangements and you absolutely ignore everything else. Never get drawn into any other conversations. Never respond to anything emotional.

Set the time at which he calls her.

You need to really stick to this.

Xxx

[TheSeaPriestess]

If he is like this on the phone, never answer the phone to him. As pp's have said, get a new phone and tell him that all future communications are to be via text or email only. Start keeping a record of his communication with you. You can get the police involved if he doesn't back off.

I would also consider selling your existing phone and laptop or at least getting them checked for spyware or key loggers. I would also start a completely new fb account in a different name and tell only the friends you trust about it. Change every single password to every website you use, including MN.

You don't have to take this shit op. Just do not engage, ever. Get a third party to do handovers if at all possible and don't feel guilty. Have zero tolerance for his bullshit. You could be the nicest person in the world and it would make no difference, he will still be a nob.

You can do this! Fuck him, he's history. You've already done the hardest part. Sending you love and strength.

[MsPavlichenko]

This would not be a waste of time for WA so call them. And look at Freedom Programme. And consider than allowing him to continue to control you will impact so negatively on your DC.

I have been where you are, appeasement doesn't work.

[nicenewdusters]

Excellent advice from pps. This is a game for these men, and the normal rules of engagement don't apply in this game. You have to stop acting as you normally would, i.e you don't need to be considerate, polite, thoughtful, generous, kind. Forget how you want to act, how you think you should - none of that matters. What he thinks? Totally irrelevant. What other people may think? Totally irrelevant.

You can't co-parent with these men, because they can't do it. They're too selfish, too self absorbed and it's all about them. Avoid face to face and phone contact wherever possible. Try and keep it to text and email. Never respond to anything that is not about your dc. Remain focused on the facts and arrangements, never rise to insults etc.

Think of yourself as a grey rock, immovable, plain, boring. Everything he says and does will eventually just bounce off you. It's really hard to start with, because it's not in your nature to be like this, and he knows it. This is why he's "winning" the game just now. But now you know the rules, and how to play. There are lots of us in your position. I promise you it can be done.

He's not in control anymore. It's your life and you can do what the hell you like. Give him a nickname and think this to yourself whenever you have to have any dealings with him, it takes the sting out of things. Just because he's so f*ed up he can't walk away and concentrate on being a good parent doesn't mean you can't.

[Aquamarine1029]

Unless it's when he has your daughter, do not respond to any of his texts. Screw him.

[pallasathena]

scootinFun is spot on. He can only make you feel bad if you let him. You can't control what he says or does but you can control how you react so play him at his own game and at the same time, teach your daughter how to be a winner.
You need to find your inner warrior OP.

[TimelessReality]

Great advice here.

I would only add to keep records of abusive texts or harrassment. Keep copies.

I would not hesitate to see a solicitor for a consultation in your shoes, if only to clarify the law for myself. It might cost a couple of hundred pounds as a one-off, but it may be worth its weight in gold. Also try WomensAid as people have said. Knowledge is power!

But as people have said you have no need to have any contact with him except on pick up re. daughter, and there may be ways to minimise that as others have described.