I'm never going to be free of him am I?

[Littlemissindependent]

Have been divorced from my exh for nearly 2 years. Have dd3 together. He has a child arrangement order which states he sees dd eow. When he manages to stick to it. For the most part we have a civil relationship for dds sake, despite the financial/emotional abuse.
However, he seems completely determined to continue to make my life a misery. He thinks he's entitled to know where I am, what I'm doing and who with. I'm too scared to ever make plans for the weekends dd is with him because I know if he gets wind of it he will deliberately find a way to ruin it for me. He calls constantly. And because I haven't answered his call this evening he starts with the passive aggressive messages demanding to know how HIS daughter is if it's not too much trouble. I feel myself panicking every time his name pops up on my phone. I don't know how to escape him. And if I try and facilitate handover without us having to interact, he accuses me of being selfish and setting a bad example to dd. I just can't see any way out and it's making me so so unhappy

[TimelessReality]

Great advice here.

I would only add to keep records of abusive texts or harrassment. Keep copies.

I would not hesitate to see a solicitor for a consultation in your shoes, if only to clarify the law for myself. It might cost a couple of hundred pounds as a one-off, but it may be worth its weight in gold. Also try WomensAid as people have said. Knowledge is power!

But as people have said you have no need to have any contact with him except on pick up re. daughter, and there may be ways to minimise that as others have described.

[pallasathena]

scootinFun is spot on. He can only make you feel bad if you let him. You can't control what he says or does but you can control how you react so play him at his own game and at the same time, teach your daughter how to be a winner.
You need to find your inner warrior OP.

[Aquamarine1029]

Unless it's when he has your daughter, do not respond to any of his texts. Screw him.

[nicenewdusters]

Excellent advice from pps. This is a game for these men, and the normal rules of engagement don't apply in this game. You have to stop acting as you normally would, i.e you don't need to be considerate, polite, thoughtful, generous, kind. Forget how you want to act, how you think you should - none of that matters. What he thinks? Totally irrelevant. What other people may think? Totally irrelevant.

You can't co-parent with these men, because they can't do it. They're too selfish, too self absorbed and it's all about them. Avoid face to face and phone contact wherever possible. Try and keep it to text and email. Never respond to anything that is not about your dc. Remain focused on the facts and arrangements, never rise to insults etc.

Think of yourself as a grey rock, immovable, plain, boring. Everything he says and does will eventually just bounce off you. It's really hard to start with, because it's not in your nature to be like this, and he knows it. This is why he's "winning" the game just now. But now you know the rules, and how to play. There are lots of us in your position. I promise you it can be done.

He's not in control anymore. It's your life and you can do what the hell you like. Give him a nickname and think this to yourself whenever you have to have any dealings with him, it takes the sting out of things. Just because he's so f*ed up he can't walk away and concentrate on being a good parent doesn't mean you can't.

[MsPavlichenko]

This would not be a waste of time for WA so call them. And look at Freedom Programme. And consider than allowing him to continue to control you will impact so negatively on your DC.

I have been where you are, appeasement doesn't work.

[TheSeaPriestess]

If he is like this on the phone, never answer the phone to him. As pp's have said, get a new phone and tell him that all future communications are to be via text or email only. Start keeping a record of his communication with you. You can get the police involved if he doesn't back off.

I would also consider selling your existing phone and laptop or at least getting them checked for spyware or key loggers. I would also start a completely new fb account in a different name and tell only the friends you trust about it. Change every single password to every website you use, including MN.

You don't have to take this shit op. Just do not engage, ever. Get a third party to do handovers if at all possible and don't feel guilty. Have zero tolerance for his bullshit. You could be the nicest person in the world and it would make no difference, he will still be a nob.

You can do this! Fuck him, he's history. You've already done the hardest part. Sending you love and strength.

[jeaux90]

Ok so I had this from my narc ex.

Sorry OP but it's hard. You have been conditioned by him to behave and respond in a specific way.

The way to deal with this is only ever ever respond to text about your dd and arrangements and you absolutely ignore everything else. Never get drawn into any other conversations. Never respond to anything emotional.

Set the time at which he calls her.

You need to really stick to this.

Xxx

[Littlemissindependent]

I'm scared that even by posting this on here I'm opening up Pandora's box. I've kept everything to myself for so long, with no outlet and nobody to speak to and now I feel like it's snowballing.

[WorknameJimEllis]

Oh, and yes

You are NOT overreacting

It IS harassment

It IS illegal

And it is illegal because it is abusive, scary, undermining and horrible to live through. The justice system recognises that and takes a very dim view.

for you.

Talk to women's aid. They will take it seriously too.

[WorknameJimEllis]

His weapon against you is that you are a good person, and want to be thought of as nice.

I've found in these situations (no kids involved with mine, but a manipulative twat who I was breaking free of ) once you lose that instinct to be though of as 'nice' or 'reasonable ' they loose 99%of their hold on you.

You will never win if you try to be nice, they will always find something in that to beat you over the head with.

Instead when he starts his whining pathetic shit about how unreasonable or horrible you are just say as pp suggested ' yes, i am, suck it up buttercup ' and cut the call, walk away. You are under NO obligations to be nice, polite, fair or reasonable.

I am amazed, even years later how empowering the realisation was that I don't have to be nice. I don't have to pretend to be nice. I can be selfish and that is just fine. It doesn't matter what some twatbadger thinks.

Totally agree about getting a 'batphone' that is normally off or silent just for him to call on, and blocking him on your other. ( tell him you've changed network or something due to a fraud on your old number and had to Change it)

Also check for spyware, seems suspicious if he always knows your plans.

[springydaffs]

I took out a restraining order on my ex for less than this (tho same ball park).

Yy to WA, this is precisely what they're there for. Get your local WA office on their site - easier to get through than the national helpline, tho you can call the helpline at night, easier to get through then 0808 2000 247).

I had all sorts of stuff included in the restraining order eg he couldn't come beyond my gate etc. He pretty much backed off after that.

[Pearlmum1]

Forgot to say, get your daughter a cheap phone that he can call her on.
Get another cheap phone for contact arrangements with him. Then you can look at your phone without the dread!

[Wallywobbles]

Get your Dd to answer phone if it's him.

[Pearlmum1]

Sounds identical to my situation but I've finally got it under control.
First I called a domestic abuse help line..she was amazing
She advised to be blunt and factual by text only if possible..only about dc. Completely ignore any other subject/threats/name calling
I never reply to abusive texts now
I did advise him after my phone call to the helpline that I had taken further actions and am now logging every text etc. That I would call the police if he harrased me, he pretended to go to a solicitor etc..i just ignored
I collect my dd, just great her, take her away, no talking to him/no eye contact
Try to keep to your main arrangement..like EOW because he will use any change to accuse you of all sorts...if he does totally ignore. They get bored as they have been feeding off you!
I imagine that I am a strong silent statue that takes no nonsense..never engage in him! Never fall for a dog story, or if he tries to be your friend..its a tactic to reel you in.
Good luck, it will get 1000 times better if you follow this..be prepared for the initial tantrum..but ignore ignore! If he comes to your house outside of an arrangement with Dc, call the police. Repeat until he gives up!

[ChickenBhuna]

All the court require from you littlemiss are the things I detailed above with regards to contact with your daughter. They won't rip you to shreds as long as you do those three things.

Contact can only be pushed as far as a 50/50 leisure time split so be prepared to say yes to that.

Try as hard as you can to separate access and his bullying behaviour. Access to DD is okay , anything else is not.

[DancingLedge]

Keep on venting and getting support here.

[HeavenlyEyes]

I agree separate phone - and make sure everything you post online is private and visible to your own contacts only. Blocking him clearly is not enough. And post bare minumum to your friends also for a while I think.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Get a new phone. Keep your existing number but stick it into a cheap payg phone. Put that phone in a drawer and turn it on only at the pre-arranged times times you set up with XP, as other posters have recommended.

And do phone Women's Aid. They are exactly here to help you.

[Littlemissindependent]

Thank you. It's such a relief to just get it off my chest and not be told I'm overreacting. I'll give Womens Aid a call on Monday. I don't know how to handle the going no contact thing because I just know he'll use it against me. He's already dragged me through court once where I was absolutely ripped to shreds, I don't think I can face that again.

[newdaylight]

Don't worry about wasting womens aid's time. They'll be able to give direct and practical advice quickly, due to experience. Give them a call.

[CocoaLeaves]

Not Skype, he can see into your home then, phone only.

[CocoaLeaves]

You will not be wasting Women's Aid's time, they know that men can use contact to continue to abuse. They will help you with boundaries.

Get a second PAYG phone for him to contact you when he has DD, if he needs to, block everything else, and do not respond to messages. If you think it benefits DD, then agree a time for phone calls, but not every night! That is a way of checking on you. Tell him to stop harassing you or you will call the police. Keep a log of all attempts to contact you beyond agreed times.

Is there a third party you can suggest he contact for any emergency changes or issues?

Then take legal advice if he continues to harass you.

[scootinFun]

You know what? if that's how he's going to play it - earn it!
He says 'poor me, your being unreasonable' and you say 'damn straight, suck it up buttercup. Here's the number to call between whatever time you think is reasonable. Tell him it will be turned off before and after those times. Advise him that you are there to handover his child for his precious time with her and you need no more chat than a hi and a see you at pick up time.
You're not going to win this. No matter how reasonable you are you will never reach his high standards - so confound him by not even trying. Honestly, life's too short for putting up with arseholes like this.

[RandomMess]

Give him 2 evenings per week at x time on skype.

Don't tell him he contact you about contact, it's fixed, if he doesn't turn up he doesn't turn up.

Please do speak to WA they are the experts.

[Frouby]

I had this.

I arranged for handover to be done by my mum. I haven't seen him face to face for 9 years.

I stopped replying to phone calls and txts. Just completely blanked them. If dd was with him I answered with 'yes? Is dd ok? Good'. And put the phone down every single time.

Eventually I got court to agree I could be nc with him and he wasn't to contact me.uness it was an emergency regarding dds immediate medical needs.

I am still not free of him because of dd. Having a few issues atm. But for the last 9 years issues have been minimal. Which causes less disruption to dd. I really don't understand why so many women allow abusive men to continue to abuse when you have done the hard bit and walked away.

You don't have to see him or speak to him unless you have absolutely no one els3 who can do handover. You absolutely do not have to answer his calls or reply to his text messages. You don't even need to read them. Just because you have dcs together doesn't mean you have to 'co parent'. You each parent your dd seperatly.

You will move on a lot quicker if you go nc with him. And check the security of all your apps and media and phone. He is finding out stuff somehow.

Or you could absolutely have a lot of fun with that. Imagine when he sees the whatsapp messages from your new bloke. Or the welcome email from Tinder. Or the FB pm of a large penis covered in jam.