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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He scared me (poss trigger?)

50 replies

LottLott · 22/04/2017 07:09

My DP and I went out for a meal last night. I was driving so wasn't drinking. He had four cocktails and a pint in three hours.

On the way home, DP started acting a bit weird, like giggly, trying to tickle me and pulling my skirt up whilst driving. I told him to stop and after a bit he did.

When we got to his front door, he started acting a bit aggressively, pulling me about and trying to put his hand down my shirt in the street.

We then went in and up to bed when he was being really rough with me. I told him he was hurting me and that he was starting to scare me but he didn't stop until I started to cry. I started to cry because I was genuinely frightened about what he was going to do to me. There was a moment when he was lying on top of me, holding both hands above my head and he seemed really out of control and I knew that I was in a really vulnerable position.

He then didn't take any steps to reassure me that it was ok. He just started saying that i was just tired and whingey and had had a personality by-pass in the last hour. Apparently my problem was that I hadn't drunk enough.

We don't live together so I just left at that stage but now I'm worrying I made a mountain out of a mole hill. Whilst he was being really rough and hurting me, he was laughing, we were both fully clothed at all times so he didn't actually force me to have sex with him. I don't want to upset him.

I just feel so confused and needed someone to vent to.

Thanks for listening - I'm not really even sure what I'm asking. Sorry!

OP posts:
GinAndSonic · 22/04/2017 07:11

How long have you been with him? He sounds like a prick. Id dump a man for this, im a rape survivor and don't take kindly to this shit.

OutnumberedbyFurchesters · 22/04/2017 07:12
Flowers

I didn't want to read and run, I'm sure someone will be along soon with some great advice for you. However you are NOT making a mountain out of a molehill I would have reacted exactly the same way.

Sorry that this happened to you.

hesterton · 22/04/2017 07:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Vegansnake · 22/04/2017 07:14

I'm sorry,you must of been scared...I'm afraid I wouldn't see the man again..as a teenager I ended relationships for slightly less than that ..good luck x

choccybiscuit · 22/04/2017 07:14

I would have been terrified too! You definitely did not over react. I'd get away from this man asap!

highinthesky · 22/04/2017 07:16

Drink merely brings out an existing tendency.

Thank your blessings you have seen this behaviour before you became more committed to DP.

Original poster
LottLott · 22/04/2017 07:17

We've been together four years. This is the second time he has done something like this. This time it was worse than the first time.

I love him but don't want to be with someone who frightens me in bed and doesn't seem to care.

OP posts:
laundryelf · 22/04/2017 07:19

Don't apologise, you did nothing wrong he was totally out of order! He should be upset, he ignored you when you told him to stop and didn't show any concern when you got upset. Red flags all over this, please protect yourself and dump him, he scared you and doesn't care. Dump him and block his number.

43percentburnt · 22/04/2017 07:23

If the roles were reversed would have stopped when he was said stop? I'm guessing you would have. I'm guessing you would have apologised if he had cried.

Instead he blamed you for not drinking enough...

What he did last night is part of who he is. You won't change him. He thinks it's acceptable. Personally I'd dump him over it. You didn't over react.

Heirhelp · 22/04/2017 07:24

You did nothing wrong and his behaviour was total out of line. My biggest concern is that the moment he believed he crossed the line he blamed you and did not except responsibility for his behaviour.

If my DH thought I was intimidated by him at any time or scared in a sexual situation he would be devastated and his first concern would be to make me feel safe.

highinthesky · 22/04/2017 07:24

I love him but don't want to be with someone who frightens me in bed and doesn't seem to care. Wake up and see that he does not love or respond you, otherwise this wouldn't have happened in the first place.

You know what you need to do. It will hurt like hell now, but is in your long term interests so be your own best friend.

highinthesky · 22/04/2017 07:25

^respect you

laundryelf · 22/04/2017 07:25

Sorry slow typing! Second time, definitely end it. You may love him but he doesn't feel the same way about you, you don't treat the person you love like that. Just because you think you love him doesn't mean he is good for you. You deserve better.

CheekyLoki · 22/04/2017 07:36

Next time he will go even further and you won't be able to stop him. What if you are asleep and woken up by him raping you? You are not supposed to be afraid of someone in a relationship. This prick is abusive and doesn't give a shit about your feelings. And the bastard is trying to make out like you are the one at fault! And you don't want to upset him? Are you for real?

Original poster
LottLott · 22/04/2017 07:40

I am for real I'm afraid. It seemed like I had upset him. He didn't seem
bothered that I was upset but he seemed upset that I thought he would do anything to hurt me.

Thanks for the advice everyone.

OP posts:
Heirhelp · 22/04/2017 07:50

He was upset that you did not want to have sex. What will happen the next time you are not up for sex?

CheekyLoki · 22/04/2017 07:50

So what would have happened if you hadn't started crying? He probably would have continued his shit.
If a man really wants to fuck and is aggressive you won't be able to stop him. I would seriously question my future with him.

Heirhelp · 22/04/2017 07:59

The classic MN phrase springs to mind 'when someone tells you who they are listen'.

Ellisandra · 22/04/2017 08:15

Why do you say you don't want to upset him, when he's perfectly happy to upset you?

You know when people say it ALWAYS happens again and it ALWAYS escalates? Well, you know that with him already.

Maybe you're thinking it's only twice in four years...
I know that not everyone wants marriage and children, but many do. And those are well documented trigger points for abuse to ramp up.
He doesn't love you and doesn't respect you and he will continue to frighten and hurt you Angry

Flowers
ptumbi · 22/04/2017 08:26

you 'don't want to upset him' is a classic abuse tactic. They have you bending over backwards to keep them happy, while you are doing stuff you DO NOT WANT TO DO!

If you don't want to do it, you should not have to, to keep him, or to keep him happy.

This is the second time it's happened, and it's escalating.

Next time will be worse. Don't let there be a next time.

He's a bad'un.

HopefullyDothButterNoParsnips · 22/04/2017 08:42

Please end it with this man. You know it isn't ok. You know he will do it again. Just get out now love. Hope you're ok! You need to be strong and leave him.

picklemepopcorn · 22/04/2017 08:43

So he says it is your fault that you didn't enjoy him bullying you? You didn't enjoy him demonstrating that he had no interest in your enjoyment or consent?

You know what to do. His opinion is of no value, as his behaviour demonstrates. Time to move on.

squirreltrap · 22/04/2017 08:48

Is trying to avoid getting raped by your partner your ideal relationship?

End. It.

Don't overthink this. Look at actions not words.

AhYerWill · 22/04/2017 09:07

You are definitely not making a mountain out of a molehill. In fact you are massively underplaying how nasty this is.
Please see this as a wake up call that you are not in a healthy relationship.

Being with a man that repeatedly stamps all over your boundaries is a sure-fire recipe for misery. He won't change, and he'll carry on stepping over bigger and bigger boundaries.

I expect my DP to treat me better than a stranger would. You tolerate behaviour from your DP that you would call assault if he was a stranger. I'm not blaming you for his behaviour here - that is entirely his fault - but by not drawing a line and saying 'I cannot be in a relationship with a man that thinks it ok to assault me, despite my obvious protestations' you are effectively giving him a green light to stamp all over your boundaries again.

Look at your life with him - are there other things he does that make you feel uncomfortable? Every time you feel a bit uncomfortable about something he's doing - that's a boundary being stepped over - once you reach fear - you're into massive red flag boundary stamping. In a decent relationship you should be able to say 'please don't do that it makes me feel uncomfortable' and they'll stop doing it, no argument, no trying to convince you it's ok really, no ignoring your request to stop.

princessconsuelobananahammock · 22/04/2017 09:21

Fairly recently DH & I were in bed & just messing around & play fighting. I think I was in the same position as you, he had hold of my hands above my head & but he was tickling me. I suddenly became v aware that he was much stronger than me & I was totally powerless. I told him he was scaring me & to stop. So he did. He was horrified that he'd scared me & extremely sorry. That's the response you should have got. He needs to go Flowers

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