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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He scared me (poss trigger?)

50 replies

LottLott · 22/04/2017 07:09

My DP and I went out for a meal last night. I was driving so wasn't drinking. He had four cocktails and a pint in three hours.

On the way home, DP started acting a bit weird, like giggly, trying to tickle me and pulling my skirt up whilst driving. I told him to stop and after a bit he did.

When we got to his front door, he started acting a bit aggressively, pulling me about and trying to put his hand down my shirt in the street.

We then went in and up to bed when he was being really rough with me. I told him he was hurting me and that he was starting to scare me but he didn't stop until I started to cry. I started to cry because I was genuinely frightened about what he was going to do to me. There was a moment when he was lying on top of me, holding both hands above my head and he seemed really out of control and I knew that I was in a really vulnerable position.

He then didn't take any steps to reassure me that it was ok. He just started saying that i was just tired and whingey and had had a personality by-pass in the last hour. Apparently my problem was that I hadn't drunk enough.

We don't live together so I just left at that stage but now I'm worrying I made a mountain out of a mole hill. Whilst he was being really rough and hurting me, he was laughing, we were both fully clothed at all times so he didn't actually force me to have sex with him. I don't want to upset him.

I just feel so confused and needed someone to vent to.

Thanks for listening - I'm not really even sure what I'm asking. Sorry!

OP posts:

Bananalanacake · 22/04/2017 09:28

So your problem was you weren't drunk enough? of course you weren't drunk, you were driving, I'd dump him just for being that stupid.

Hermonie2016 · 22/04/2017 09:53

Please listen to your instinct, it's there and you can trust it.

I let stbxh when he scared me during an argument.It was the lack of connection, something in his eyes.He was also cross/insulted/indignant when I said how I felt and for me that was the line crossed.Your partner must have compassion for you if not you are at risk.

I was with stbxh for 15 years, it was not easy to separate but the alternative was to live feeling vulnerable.I think for them it's about power and control over another person.Be glad you know.No one should ever feel frightened and his reaction is a double warning.

We always hope relationships will work out but sometimes you have to draw a line on behaviour that isn't acceptable as you deserve much better.

scoobydoo1971 · 22/04/2017 12:39

Heirhelp is right...when someone reveals their true character, listen and act upon it. Alcohol didn't turn him into this person, it just worked on disinhibiting his behaviour. He distracted you driving...he doesn't care about your safety...he didn't care about consent in bed...he doesn't care about making you happy and was keen on focusing upon his own needs. Run away before it escalates. If you don't, he will put it down to a lover's tiff and think it is acceptable to conduct himself in this way as you will put up with it.

JK1773 · 22/04/2017 13:09

This is totally unacceptable and you deserve better. Your DP is outrageous. His response should have been as 'princesses' DP reacted above, not to blame you. He's an abuser

Original poster

LottLott · 22/04/2017 15:55

Thanks everyone. I did say to him that all he needed to have said was ssorry and then been a bit more gentle. Instead, I got a full on inquisition about how whingey I was.

OP posts:

ptumbi · 22/04/2017 16:48

And are you going to put up with that OP?

What are you going to do?

AnyFucker · 22/04/2017 16:53

He is a rapist in waiting

Are you going to stick around to find out how far he goes next time ?

Original poster

LottLott · 22/04/2017 19:02

I know I need to end it. I've been seeing a counsellor about my issues and we are working together to get me out of this relationship.

I feel totally beaten and have little strength to fight but he crossed a line last night. I think this is the final straw.

I remember back to before we got together and I was much happier then. My self esteem was much higher and I didn't have half the issues I have now.

OP posts:

BIWI · 22/04/2017 19:05

You think this is the final straw?

My goodness, LottLott - this is the final straw, surely? What is stopping you from seeing that?

DancingLedge · 22/04/2017 19:07

It's your life. You don't have to fight him, just end it.
You deserve better.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 22/04/2017 19:10

What is stopping you from pulling the plug on him right now and ending this relationship via a text message?.

You only need to give your own self permission to end this so called relationship.

neonrainbow · 22/04/2017 19:10

It sounds like hes pushing your boundaries to see what he can get away with. I would never be able to trust him again if it was me!! Please dont feel you have to stay with him. A kind and loving man will never make you feel afraid or make you wonder if he will stop when asked.

Guiltypleasures001 · 22/04/2017 20:52

It sounds like he was acting out some kind of rape fantasy, the drink emboldened him, I would seriously consider dumping him, and watching your back for a while.

ImperialBlether · 22/04/2017 20:54

This is only going to get worse. He sounds really horrible, tbh. All of it sounds horrible. I'm so glad he doesn't live with you.

I think you should end it. As you say, you were happier before you met him.

Aquamarine1029 · 23/04/2017 03:58

Oh my god, please leave him. This is not normal and it is NOT ok. This is assault, plain and simple. You deserve better. Don't listen to all of his bullshit excuses.

TheMythOfFingerprints · 23/04/2017 08:26

You said he was upset that you thought he could hurt you?
You didn't think he could, he was hurting you, and not for the first time.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 23/04/2017 08:48

When you say you and your counsellor are working together to get you out of the relationship - I'm a bit confused because I thought you said you didn't live with him? Can you not therefore simply break up with him?

Apologies if I'm missing something.

eddielizzard · 23/04/2017 08:51

i would ltb. he's minimising and trying to make you feel bad and that it's all your fault so that he can go further next time. make sure there isn't a next time.

Kewcumber · 23/04/2017 08:53

I don't want to upset him

Shame he doesn't feel the same

Original poster

LottLott · 23/04/2017 09:39

TheOnlyLivingBoy we don't live together no but I haven't had the mental strength to end it. My counsellor thinks it's because my self worth has been worn down over the years to the point where I feel worthless.

I don't know how I've gotten into this situation. I am or I was a strong confident woman. Now I'm not so sure.

I know that it's not right how he acted. I'm off on holiday with my mother next week so I am going to take some time to think. Hopefully I will feel much stronger when I come back.

Thanks for your advice everyone. It's helped me get some perspective that my relationship isn't normal.

OP posts:

ptumbi · 23/04/2017 10:33

OP, Im not trying to be harsh, but I think if you just text him now, saying it's over, he'll know why. He will understand that he's pushed too far, been a violent abusive bully, and that's it.

If you wait until after a fortnight, when you come back and he/you are all back to normal, you are relaxed after a week away, he is pleased to see you after a week without. It will be much harder, when he's going 'but why? But WHy?'

You know why. He knows why. Leaving it another week (to get brushed under that carpet) is just delaying it, and drawing it out until things have blown over.
Just text him now - 'it's over. Please don't contact me again.' Block. Delete. That's all you need to say.

Best thing he's done for you - given you a cast-iron get-out.

And then go on holiday and think about how you have had the strength to get out of an abusive relationship on your own!!

Kewcumber · 23/04/2017 12:24

I am going to take some time to think

To think about what? Just how scared you're prepared to be by your partner?

Because once you accepted some, then I think you believe there is an acceptable amount of violence you think is OK. There is no line in the sand after that - just an increasing amount of/frequency of violence.

HandbagCrazy · 23/04/2017 12:43

OP, you know you need to end this and it's good that you're making steps to do this.

I just wanted to post a few basics that I think are easy to overlook when you're so far in you can't see the woods for trees.

1 - You deserve respect.
2 - You didn't do anything to 'end up' where you are now. You are not stupid. He wasn't like this in the beginning, you entered into a relationship with a nice person and he has slowly been showing you his real self.
3 - You shouldn't ever be scared of the person you're in a relationship with.
4 - The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.
5 - Not a single poster on here thinks you did anything wrong or are to blame in any way.

I'm writing this because when I was with my abusive ex, he messed my head up to the extent he punched me in the face and I ended up apologising to him for being so uptight.
With distance and time I can see how wrong that is, but when I was in it, it made sense to me because I wasn't worth much and he was such a good guy (or so I thought).
Now, my DH is lovely. Once or twice he's unintentionally done something that's made me realise he is much stronger than me and could really hurt me if he wanted to. Each time, he's realised I'm scared, stopped doing whatever he was doing, apologised (despite doing nothing wrong) and reassured me. That's what you deserve.

Have you read the sticky at the top of the relationship board? It's titled Now Listen up (I think). Read it, please.

Moanyoldcow · 23/04/2017 13:12

End it today. By text. Go on holiday and celebrate being free of that nightmare.

You are 'working' on getting out. You don't need to - don't live together, no kids, no joint finances - you can just end it - NOW.

Good luck OP. Think how free you could feel on your holiday.

sodabreadjam · 23/04/2017 13:54

Would echo previous posters. End it. If he has keys to your place, ask for them back. Pack up his stuff if there is any at your flat and ask him to come and get it. Ask someone else to be there when he picks it up.

You could then go on holiday with your mum with a sense of relief - you wouldn't have to be thinking about your next move.

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