Please convince me not to call my marriage a day

[Debbsyandson]

im bloody totally and utterly pissed off with husband.We have a 3 mth old son,and i was up with him from 1.30am this morning,he didnt get up with me once,claiming not to have heard him.So wheres he gone today?No he didnt ring his mum and dad to cancel (as they always go too)to say i had had no sleep,no he went out for the day racing on his bloody motorbike.
Im getting fed up of bring treated like a rubbing rag.Our son was very longed for but i feel all hubby wants is the niceties hardly feeds him,yes he changes him,gets him ready in the morning on weekends (in a fashion)doesnt wake up in the night with him except on friday night when i went out with my friends (first time in 3 mths )then as soon as i was up in the morn he was handed back to me,i hadnt even got dressed,sayinbg he had 2 mow the lawns,bath the dogs,etc etc and he was v busy and fed up...... poor bloody you

If anyone can remember i started a thread last year,when i was pg about him always racing,and me coming second best.I wanted him to give up,i know its not right of me but i wanted family time for us after he has raced all the yrs we have been together 14 to be precise,so we reached a compromise twice a ,mth,this is the 1st weekend,but inligt of last night i dont think he should have gone.If it was the boot on the other foot,i wouldnt really love my hubby and adore my ds but i cant carry on like this when he is in the house he is short tempered swearing all the time,i feel like im stepping on egg shells,and if anything he should be the one making allowances for me,im a first time mum with a 3mth old baby for f**ks sake.

I never expected dh to feed the baby but I do think you have a point about the motorbike. If you are going to do the bad nights, he should arrange for you to sleep in at weekends at least.

Maybe you should have a talk some time about what your expectations are for both selves and each other to do. Perhaps make lists first and then compare. Seems to me that each expects the other to do more than the other is actually prepared to do. And yet things need to be done by some one.

I remember your thread last year. So sorry he hasn't changed his ways
not sure why ew never expected her dh to help in the night - I certainly did and do... You made your baby together so you should look after him together.
A serious chat is definitely needed, or plan some time doing things alone so he can see what's it like being the one stuck in with the baby.

I think that if you had said twice a month for racing and this was one of those times, whatever last night was like, I'd have been fine with DH going.

It's the rest of the time you need to work on. Plan some things to do, be firmer about waking DH up to feed DS in the night if he doesn't hear him, etc, etc.

It's still very early days and you definitely shouldn't end your marriage three months into having a new baby because your hormones aren't settled, you are sleep-deprived and you need to adjust - and so does he.

Men don't understand it. I went through similar with dh when dd1 was born. Got so upset that i left him - withing hours he had begged me to come home and I did thinks changed for all of 3 weeks when went back to the same. SO left again when dd1 was 8mths old. dh called and begged I refused to return to much needed sorting and it couldn't be done if we are living together. Within days he had booked us an appointment at Relate. Would highly recommend Relate as you can freely talk about everything you feel without any judgment. Then he can have his say and together will leader you sort out what you both want from your marriage and how you move forward. we went for 3/4 mths. Now everything is back on track I've have dd2 and 5mth old ds. We can openly talk when things upset each other and resolve them without letting them build up to breaking point.
Your tried you have a new baby and you really don't want to leave dh as you asked mn members to talk you out of it. But you do need him to understand and communicate with each other.
Sit him down and try and talk if it doesn't work then ask him if he would consider somewhere like relate. He he says no tell him you feel that you are going to have no choice other than to leave him if things are not resolved. Guarantee he has no idea how you are feeling. He will not even know that your angry he didn't get up or went out today. Turned out at Relate that my dh had no idea how low and upset I was and how unloved, unwanted I felt since dd1 came alone. A new baby is a big change may be he has issues with your relationship too so please communicate and resolve them you'll be so much happier - my problems were 3 years ago and I have looked back since Relate.
Big hug coming you way

i really dont know what to do he has just rang me to see if i have managed to get some sleep errrr no!!!!!! ds is still awake ive played and played with him fed him 3 times, so dh suggestion take him out in his pram, oh yes sure even though im knackered.Oh your still in one are you i just feel like im in a lose lose situation and theres no way i can win!!! i dont want a life like this,where we cant even talk he just blows up at me and every other words fk this fk that!!

start doing something that dh is excluded from so you have a interest too, either sort a compromise re ds and his care or accept you have to do it, but trade off other chores with dh so he helps more in that sense also establish one day of a weekend once a month where you do sometjing as a family

don;t end your marriage

things will calm down

have you considered relate? or counselling ?

the first year after the arrival of a baby is a critical time

i guess you feel his priorities at the weekend are being together as a family , and his is doing chores and his fun stuff...

need to really talk...maybe you lie in on saturday, he does on sunday...

does DH spend time with DS on his own..take him for a walk, take him to grandparents?

Hi debbsy, I agree with hunker that 3 months in is pretty early to be making any drastic decisions about your marraige. You are still settling down to having a baby in your lives, both still in shock at the changes and possibly he's not handling it as well as he could.

I agree you need to sit down and spell it out to him.

I remember your thread about the racing. not that the baby is here, if twice a month seems too much, how about agreeing once a month and then you find something you can do one weekend amonth. That leaves you 2 weekends to spend together as a family, catch up on sleep etc.

And a swift kick in the balls soon wakes then up even if they can't hear the baby!

Others had said it before but no harm in saying again: the first year of having a baby is very hard. You are sleep deprived and both of you are having to adjust to not being free agents anymore.

You need to pick a time when you are not feeling angry with him to sit down and explain to him how you feel and how you would like things changed. But don't be too hard on him or yourself: it is bloody hard work and a tough adjustment when you have a baby.

You're feeling hard done by (partly justifiably) but being snippy with him when he makes the most basic enquiry WILL make him blow up at you.

I know it's hard when you're sleep deprived, but it's not marriage-ending stuff, I promise you.

Start a thread asking for help on how to get your DH to help you with more things and suggestions for where you can go to relax a bit and pamper yourself. It'll put it all into perspective a bit more if you don't feel resentful of doing all the baby care.

if i suggested relate his answer would be your the one with the problem,you go.Yes he does spend time with ds on his own lulu,but he doesnt bath him i even offered to show him how to massage ds (when have i got time for that i have to see to the dogs clean the garage out (thats where dogs are now its been converted) i hoover up dust polish.clean the kitchen and not every night but most night there is something in the oven for tea,then i bath ds i suggested we shared that and we did,thats dropped off now.I go bed at 8.30pm when ds has fallen asleep,he stays downstairs and watches more bloody bikes.I wish i could have an interest i want to start up yoga to loose excess baby weight,as ive told dh that i feel like a jelly belly,his answer it will go you just need to excercise,errr hello dickhead when do i have the time?he has not been near me in that dept i suggested something the other night and he said HE was too tired so bugger that,he only gives me a peck on the lips at bedtime hardly tells me he loves me.I feel so unwanted and unloved i feel like a rubbing rag i feel he has no respect for me and it hurts.

debbsy - you are not the first new mum to feel like this , you won;t be the last

if he will bath DS if you encourage him, keep encouraging it !

tell him what you want him to do...eg..."right, it;s 6pm, time to get DS in the bath.." and hand him the baby

or i'll ask DH to bath the DCs while i make dinner or do some house stuff, so i don;t feel like i am doing absolutely everything !!

it is a constant grind at first

i also think it is important you have something to do outside the home and family life , so you and DH can take turns being away for a bit

When you bathed DS together, how did it go? Did you let him do much? Quite often, new dads are sidelined by a new mum who huffs and tuts if they "get it wrong" so they don't bother trying after a while. Forgive me if I'm wrong, but is there a chance you didn't let him do much or roll your eyes at the way he was doing it?

i know but he always makes himself busy so i have no other option,dont get me wrong i love my ds v v much and love ding things with him and for him butb i also think hubby should do more as it is if ds crying hes handed straight back to me he doesnt even try to settle him.Im going out for a while with the pram to clear my head thanks all.

have you actually asked him to stay in one night a week so you can go to yoga?

You have to spell it out to him more, I think - if he tries handing DS back to you when he's upset, say you were just popping out to get a pint of milk, or about to get in the shower. Don't just take him back.

hunker i was doing that yes but i learned from on here it wasnt good so i bite my tonue,i bath him dh drys him then i massage him dh goes back downstairs (not to sit in his ass granted) he does do his bottles now and puts the washer on and dryer.Dh not bone idle he does do alot of housy stuff too,my fear is as ds gets older he wont want dh to do anything for him as always me that does it.

Comp he doesnt go out just makes himself busy doing other things.....

Don't worry about the future - you have a 3mo. DH prefers older babies/toddlers - he's better with the boys than me now. HONESTLY it will get better.

in that case I would go out so that he has to deal with the situation

Has he ever been left alone with DS? Or are you always there "in case" something happens he can't handle?

maybe try to pace your self a bit your baby in the day - do not do so much that you are exhausted when dh returns. also agree one evening a week for yourself, but make it easy for him in hte begniing, leave everyghin ready.
when he goes out to motorbikes with his parents, can his partnets look after baby?

midwife told me no need to abht baby every day so long as you make sure their bum nice and clean, and if bathing baby is causing strife, certainly not necessary.
baby massage is meant to be enjoyable for parent and baby, i dont htink there is any benefit in making him do it if he doesnt want to.

my dp vv rarely got up in night, never wahed bottles, i did all nappies, sickness etc, but i knew that he was not comfortable with that part of it and never expected him to which made it not a problem. all men do not feel the same about babies as women. now that my children are older he is fantastic with them.

Yes hunker i have left him alone with him and ds has been fine,i just feel my like has changed dramatically (which im glad of a love my ds to pieces) and he just carries on the way he always has done,and we just have to fit round that and if we dont he sulks then gets angry.

so really it is how your dh reacts that is the real problem, do you think he is a bit jealous og your bond with ds (realises he is no longer no. in your life)