Please convince me not to call my marriage a day

[Debbsyandson]

im bloody totally and utterly pissed off with husband.We have a 3 mth old son,and i was up with him from 1.30am this morning,he didnt get up with me once,claiming not to have heard him.So wheres he gone today?No he didnt ring his mum and dad to cancel (as they always go too)to say i had had no sleep,no he went out for the day racing on his bloody motorbike.
Im getting fed up of bring treated like a rubbing rag.Our son was very longed for but i feel all hubby wants is the niceties hardly feeds him,yes he changes him,gets him ready in the morning on weekends (in a fashion)doesnt wake up in the night with him except on friday night when i went out with my friends (first time in 3 mths )then as soon as i was up in the morn he was handed back to me,i hadnt even got dressed,sayinbg he had 2 mow the lawns,bath the dogs,etc etc and he was v busy and fed up...... poor bloody you

yes he could be gothic as he has said but only in a joking way nothing for daddy anymore

people often joke about what they find too difficult/ embarassing./ shameful to talk about seriously

the audacity of the man he has just come in given ds his bottle ds now gone to sleep ,and HE fell asleep with him,oh bless he must be so tired tootling around on a motorbike (sarky) of which i told him i think our marriage could be in serious jeopardy! His reply well f ing good cos im sick of your fing wingeing.
grrrr

Debbsy, I mean this kindly and seriously, but when was the last time you spoke to him fondly?

enjoy some me time if they are still alseep, biking can be physically tiring would it help if you both planned your time so you both get me time and family time that is definite

Debbyandson
i read your words and it's me all over again. your dh sounds just like mine. not to say it's your fault but now i realize that i did want dh to do everything i wanted. i never spoke to dh correctly just ordered and snapped. dh has told be that his f**king had enough and it's good i'm going. he didn't mean it it's said in heat of moment.
step back a bit do you actually ask him to do things as my dh said he wasn't a mind reader.
big shock to system having 1 child and whilst mums totally get engrossed dads don't. remember that he will be a bit jealous once it was just 2 now it's 3. he wants his wife as she was carefree, sexy up for it anytime. but children change us - natural. like i said yesterday i did leave dh for a fortnight and when he was faced with the light of day that i was totally unhappy and we couldn't communicate he agreed to relate. dh did say i should go alone as it's my issues causing problems when i initial mentioned it.
dh loves you he'd not want you to go what every he says in heat of moment but i remember it bloody hurts and now your left feeling unwanted, uncared able and unloved. my dh does as much as your dh and no more and i've accepted that thats all i'm going to get yes i still have a go when i'm tired but my dh is 46yrs and he's not going to change now.
it well pisses me off when dh sleeps on sofa with children when it's been me up all night with them and i'm tired. whilst they are put ds in safe place - go have a long relaxing bath - get ds ready for bed if he misses his night bath no big issue both have an early night after sleep you'll feel much more in control.
dh doesn't bath dc so when he gets in the bath at the weekend i just put dc in with him - at 1st he wasn't over happy just told him it was easy as i could quickly wash them get everything ready for when they get out and now that they were safe in bath. now dh loves bath time when dc join him find him writing on the tiles with bath pens - big kid.

Compo, the reason I did not expect dh to feed the baby was because I was breastfeeding. He was not exempt from anything else!

Debbs - if you are upset by dh not doing enough to help, how will ending the marriage help? Then you would have even less help.
Re threatening to leave as suggested by other posters - dangerous to play that card unless you really are prepared to carry out your threat.

thanks all charlotte yes thats just what it is like,and do you know hunker i dont know last time i said something nice i do order and probably snap(but its only through lack of sleep.Well last night ds went to sleep at 8pm stayed asleep till 2am then it was every 2 hrs,but dh woke for everyone of those 2 hrs,changed him for me,asked me if i needed any help,so i feel he is making an effort.Then this morn i was watching gmtv and mentioned i would like to go to York for the day dh said well we will go then i will take you on Mothers day,so i think he is trying but we will see how long it lasts

You BOTH have to try though - that's what I meant about you saying nice things to him. It's bloody hard work living with someone who nitters and gripes all the time.

You catch more flies with honey than vinegar - remember that next time you want him to do something.

It is SO hard when you're sleep deprived, I know that - I'm really not getting at you. But it WILL get better and I don't want you to ruin your marriage because you're sleep deprived x x x

"i hoover up dust polish.clean the kitchen and not every night but most night there is something in the oven for tea," If its too much then don't do it. There are two adults here - ok he isn't good at the hard baby stuff, put him in charge of cleaning the kitchen. Let standards slip. Thank him for what he does rather than rant about what he doesn't.

I had similar with DH. The thing is you have changed hormonally, you will never again be able to be separate from your child. I truly don't think this kicks in for most men until the kid gives them something back - the toddling, gurning, talking. And I don't think that in a bad way but in a nature intends kind of a way. He is still able to separate himself from the baby (hence why he doesn't hear baby at night), you are not.

The funny thing is I sound quite rational about it now. At the time I was insane with rage (and er don't forget the post pregnancy hormone rages either, most of my friends were borderline psychopaths for the first 3 months plus) and sent him to an ear doctor to get his hearing checked because I just couldn't understand how he didn't hear DS. (he got a note that said his hearing was fine but he should pay more attention to his tired wife )I also went to the GP to find out if men had some form of medical symptom that meant they had to have more sleep than women (apparently no, but women tend to deal better). I was just lovely as you can see.

It will get easier, I promise. Share the good stuff, don't let the drudgery be all you remember. really what matters is you and baby have a physical, essential connection together - something that he won't ever truly experience to the same extent.

(but tbh back then I'd have put sugar in his petrol tank or taken off the starter motor. Honestly I was just heaven to be with)

debbyandson
this is a 2 way street. i now your tired but it's so easy to slip back to snapping and instructing i did. may be sit dh down and say your sorry for being snappy and ordering him around. say you don't mean to it's just your tired and forgot that he too is still adjusting. he'll feel like his doing a lot of giving at the moment say you understand that he feels cut off and that your sorry and you didn't mean to say you wanted to leave but you were just tired. tell him you love him as much as every and say that you will try to communicate with him before things build up again. you'll find that he will understand your confused and he'll be a lot more forgiving and when you get snappy he'll more than say something nice to you about it. my dh now comes up and hugs me and says your tired and stressed aren't you. go have a break i'll take over for a bit and gives me a kiss and that's all i need from him it makes me sit back and see that once again i became funny towards him.
your dh loves you very much he doesn't want to loss you and you love him - this is the grounds of a long and happy marriage.