Shall I call the shots first?

[dollymix101]

Please read and help me I'm feeling so low and need advice and a general hand hold through this shitty time

Me and DH are struggling at the moment. About a month now and every emotion going I'm feeling so empty and numb. I'm crazy for him and could never ever ever imagining not loving him but he's recently said that he's confused about how he feels and what he wants in the future. That his life isn't how he imagined it would be. He's got the wife and kids that he wanted the family life ......Maybe having a midlife crisis I don't know but one thing he did say was that he feels he's dragged me down to be a person I wasn't when we met and that he wishes I would meet someone who could make me happy and that I would fall in love with. So then he could see me happy
Now to me that sounds like he wants me to be the bad guy if we were to split up? That I'd be the reason and he would be the victim surely?
I've told him that I will make things easier for him and that If he wants to call it a day then I will ask for a divorce and I won't make it bitter but I can't stand knowing that this one person I care so much for doesn't feel the same towards me.
I've been a mess but my friends have picked me up and I'm feeling strong at the minute. Can't say that I will feel strong when d-day comes and he "confirms" that it's over but for now he just keeps saying that I'm getting ahead of myself and that he wants us to work . Arrrrrrrgh I'm getting so many mixed signals and to be honest I feel like I'm being dangled waiting around for him to make up his mind. I feel like I'm worthless and that if he truly loved me he wouldn't have to wait around to see what he wants.

Yeah I suppose if he's gone this long living "this way" then something could have caught his eye your right

I hate the feeling of thinking that the one person you thought you would spend the rest of your life with is the only person you will ever love and the best you can get

How can you ever trust again when you put so much trust and hope into one person

I might speak to him tonight

Wish me luck

Might have wine first

And I suppose women never have a MLC.

We're not talking about a woman here, he's a man?

I'd have the same answer anyway, it's just an excuse to be selfish and treat your close ones crap so you get what you want.

I could totally understand if it was just the depression and I've read up on the symptoms of depression for men and sometimes the signs are not feeling love for their partners and lack of interest in sex and things .... but I've been depressed after having dc and I've never ever made him feel like I feel now. I still gave him affection and made sure he knew I loved him and appreciated him. He helped me out a lot and is usually a wonderful man who really does help me out and things but I feel I'm being made it to be giving him everything to do which isn't the case at all far from it.

I know everyone deals with it different and suffers different. It's just hard to understand and grasp that it's MLC or depression causing lack of feelings

I also say "cherchez la femme" however, in the meantime....kick the bugger out!

Don't allow him to suffer one single moment more of his tedious life with you all as a family. He can move out for a couple of weeks, entertain the kids EOW and a couple of night in the week and see his BIG SEPARATED FUTURE stretching out nicely in front of him, and see how he likes them apples.

You must stop taking the blame for what is HIS decision OP; nobody is perfect and yes at times perhaps you did neglect him, I bet he did the same too, we've all been there, fact is he has told you he wants to split up, big difference!

As above, you should tell him tonight you are not prepared to let your self esteem suffer any more so it's decision time for him.

Haha tondalaya very true I suppose I'm being exeptionally cruel not cheating on him to make his life complete

I feel this is a strange thread now completely backwards in fact! That my husband wants me to cheat on him so that I'm happy. Just so that I'm happy and no other reason that would benifit him

Adora I've explained to him multiple times that I for one know I am not perfect and that I've always believed that if something is bothering either of us then we need to speak up and sort it out. It's like if you break a bone it heals stronger than before. I think if something's wrong in a marriage you fix it and it becomes a stronger relationship for it. Surely it does because then the faults have been eradicated, we learn and move on happier . Doesn't happen if you don't fight though does it .... and can't fight if only one of you is willing to. He says he imagines the single life but then hears the word 'weekend dad' and can't bear it. I've told him he has not to stay with me for the kids whatsoever.

Getting a kitten instead is becoming a lot more exciting .....

Something will have to be said tonight because today's just been bloody awful.

You sound great, dolly. If he doesn't want you then he should set you free so you can find a great bloke that does.

I expect he wants you to keep washing his undies though while he "finds himself"

Tell him you are not willing to hang about waiting on his decision, this is your life and that of your children, good luck!

Anyfucker thankyou although it's definitely knocked my confidence and self esteem. I'm putting make up on before he gets home from work. Getting changed multiple times a day in different outfits thinking about which ones he said I looked nice in. Being careful with what i say around him or friends n family incase I look a dick. All because I'm scared of putting him off me more. I shouldn't have to live like that! I mean I'm even scared to death of farting in my sleep!!!!!

We are supposed to be driving up to London in July too for a weekend away together already booked before I found out that he I'm not what he imagined when he put together his dreams and aspirations lifeplan

Fucking nob

Sorry I need to get that off my chest. I'm getting angry now is like a rollercoaster of emotions all day I don't think I'm strong enough to go through this again tommorrow without Pinot for breakfast

Lovely, google the Pick Me Dance and then for Christ's sake stop doing it

In fact, the Chump lady website is made for you.

Hi OP
I'm so sorry you're going through this. All I'll add is that when my husband was seeing the OW, he checked out of our marriage emotionally. Everything I said or did got on his nerves. I remember him turning up to one of our 'date nights' in the foulest of moods. Clearly he just didn't want to be there. Interestingly, he also started to dislike my family (parents, siblings) with whom he'd previously had a very strong bond. He was effectively justifying to himself what he was doing, and turning against me enabled him to do that more easily.
He was also reluctant to leave, and ummed and aaahed over whether to be with me or her. In the end I had to be the driving force, and let's just say made the decision for him .
It's weak and it's pathetic, but men who have the integrity to firstly leave their wife, before embarking on a new relationship, are in the minority. There is generally always a reason to go, and that often comes in the form of another woman.
Maybe your husband is one of the good guys and genuinely unclear about what he wants, or depressed or having a mid life crisis. But keep your wits about you OP.

off for a google .....

You will find both him and yourself on those pages

Thanks deui I do hope it's no one else. I did tell him that if that's his plan to at least wait until we aren't married first. Jeeeeeeesus I bet she's a right slag if there is one! Arrrrrghhhh I just want to scream!

Good luck dolly. You can't carry on like this.

Hahaha anyfucker I've only looked at the top of the website when it came on and I'm howling ! I can't believe there's a website dedicated to this its awesome thankyou! I'm going to make the kids something to eat then have a good gander at the website. I've been sat on my arse all day on here and other things. I wonder if this is what was pissing him off in the first place ? Ahh no wait it's what he thinks I do all day compared to what I actually fucking do all day.

Well

That didn't go to plan

Are you ok dolly?

?

I wimped out

He came in from work so different to usual

Said that his tea I made him was really really good and said thankyou loads

Then he said " can I just say that you look so beautiful tonight. As soon as I saw you through the window I noticed you honestly do look really nice"

And I only had a glass and half of wine left and now I have no wine

I just wasn't strong enough to say anything after all that I feel pathetic.